STRRRREEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSS

ach. Why can't I just give this presentation right now so I don't have to think about it? I hate presentations. No matter how prepared I am for them, I hate the anticipation of waiting for them. It's stressing me out, and now is a time in my life where stress is the lemon juice on my papercut you know? The problem is. . . well, now I have to depend on myself to calm me down. nobody else. Damn. Damn. Had a long conversation with myself last night, about alot of things. Mostly stuff I've said or typed over and over again, but these days there's nobody to hear my late night chitterings, but me. Or at least, that's something that I shared, and now it's one of those things I can't. That was for you. ach. I'm too stressed. And I don't know who I need to do right by besides myself.

I hope Sam is ok. Maybe he'll talk to me tomorrow. Hopefully, by this time tomorrow, I'll be so relieved and giddy. But today I feel yucky. Stress used to be more fun. Now I don't have the strength for it.

AND NOW FOR A GLIMPSE INTO THE MIND OF AN EX-PHYSICS MAJOR:

And now, a short dissertation on the ass. Not that there’s never been on of these before. Once again, I would just like to stress that the ass is the most attractive (non-facial) part of the female form, and how nice it is when a Hotland female who is gifted in this area is in the computer lab with nice-looking, form-fitting pants.

Ok, I don't know why I feel like posting it, except that it's silly, and I know this guy. So, that's your moment of zen for today from The Story by Dave K.

I had a great dream, all in blue. In Hawaii. My brain makes puns even in its sleep.

THE CAMPUS IS EMPTY
LAST NIGHT I WALKED IN THE RAIN AND IT WAS GREAT



Whoever knocked on my door last night, SUCK EGGS.

I'll eventually, tonight, put in an entry of my marvelous adventure through 3-mile square in the rain with Nick and Tom, but for now, I must stop procrastinating!!!

I HAVE RETURNED

Ok, so i've read so much about cholera today my brain feels like it has its own sort of diarrhea going on. Delicious? Sorry, no accounting the 3-mile square walk today, except to say that walking in a spring rain is the best sort of cleansing ritual. The spring peepers were loud as hell, the farmland quiet and spooky, and all three of us soaked to the bone. Returned for hot showers in Henry. Don't knock on my door, you evil 3rd henryites. SLEEEP.

I went out on an actual date complete with window shopping and dinner no less! I get to go back to feeling like a complete rookie. There are so many little things that can trip you up, like what to order. I'm sure there's an instruction manual that would tell me what to do (actually, we found it at Waldens: "Complete Survival Guide to Dating.") I mean, as a girl, if somebody's paying for your dinner, and you don't know how much the other person is going to spend, you get a bit hesitant. So I ended up apologizing for ordering a 7oz salmon instead of 10 . . .because I'm a chronic apologizer. It will be my downfall methinks. Here's someone who was willing to let me order just about anything, and I'm all hesitant to order something that's 13 bucks. Vent vent vent. I sometimes shake my head at myself.

But enough about that. All and all, a really dizzily wonderful time. It's crazy how being happy can feel so strange and new when you've been miserable for a month straight. So now there's shrimp, salmon, and key lime pie all floating slowly about my stomach. My horoscope says not to take feelings of love too seriously today, as it will take all the fun out of it. Ok. You got it, evil planets.

I had a dream I was Anne of Green Gables pretending to be a nun so that this rigid Victorian lady would hire me for some job.

Had to think about that for awhile. If you want to hear my analysis, read on. If not, hey, you're free of my absurdity for a day. I wouldn't blame you.

The deal is this. If you've read any Anne of Green Gables stuff, or watched the endearing PBS series, you'd know that she was a rebel without a cause, in a charming sort of PG way. I mean, people always dissaproved of her antics, despite the fact they were never all that horrible. She got into trouble, she fell off roofs and broke chalkboards over boy's heads if they pissed her off. Yeah, total badass. She's representing me. I do bad things, you just don't often hear about them. But lately I have been getting sloppy, and deservedly so. I mean, I've been slightly bitchy, gossipy, naughty, violent, all because I've been worn thinner than monogrammed vellum stationary. So I feel like I've got to hide behind this exterior of properness, but the disguise is slipping when I'm not paying attention. And I'm worried society won't approve if I'm anything less than ladylike.

Well, screw that. Wearing the habit is more blasphemous I think. Although my idea of being "bad" isn't really extremely shocking, yet. But the 3-week is coming. Drunken orgies? only if I don't lose my balls . . . . . . . . . . oh wait.

RAIN RAIN RAIN



Caption for this picture: "Rocks Can Be Nice Too"
picture by Sam from Exploding Dog

It's lovely really. It's warm and soft and rainy, and I just want to go run around in it. I ran all the way to Jiu Jitsu tonight in my gi, in the rain, my silly yellow belt flashing up and down as I went. Wheee! Singapore noodles were bouncing in my stomach, but that's ok. I'll take any kind of food over Miller.

It's a peaceful day, and I'm keeping it work-free dammit. There's practically no one on campus, so maybe I WILL get some work done eh? heh, I better, or else insta-death Prudy Hall Style on Monday.

Here's a little treat for the heartbroken out there, although I was specifically looking for this for Dave. A little tender piece of the blues, you know? I Hope That Something Better Comes Along

NEVER WORRY THAT YOU HAVE NOTHING LEFT TO WRITE ABOUT BECAUSE YOU'RE TOO HAPPY

That's my lesson for today, kiddies, as I emerge from hibernating all day. So what's been going on?

I'm not telling you.

Why the secrecy? Because it's not my shit that's hit the fan. All I can say is I'm really dissapointed in someone, but he's still my best friend dammit. Man, you need help. . . you both do. Dave's taking care of another crisis. Rock on for getting it out in the open man.

Otherwise. . . I woke up this morning feeling like puking. Took some dramameine, and slept till 5PM. So here I am, on the other side of complete crisis, rubbing my eyes and going "what the fuck?"

More later. . .

ok, I'm back. There is news that will be spreading around quite quickly about me and another Henry-ite. Yes yes yes. There goes my mad scientist plan to see how long it would take for people to catch on. Oh well. I'm living again, and I'm so glad. And Dave, you are great to be so cool about everything. I wish I could claim to be the same way in a vice-versa situation, but I can't. But that's ok, time will tell on that one. Besides, Alice says I'm a badass, so I must be!

Last but not least: I wanted to thank Dave, Jason, Mary Beth, James, Bill, Adam, Nick, and Brie for being good people.

My heart goes out to our first-years who have been swept up into the soap operas of our lives. They are being strong right off the bat. And James, you're still underclassmen, so I'll lump you in this category.

Jason and Mary Beth suprised me with their help and concern last night, when I needed it most. I'm done judging.

Dave . . . well you know how I feel. He and I have known Sam the longest of anyone on campus, for goodness sake, we've lived with him for 2.5 years. Thanks for understanding, and helping, and defending Sam against the big brothers of 2nd Henry. They mean well, but it wouldn't help.

And Nick: thanks for being there, for being a great person, and reminding me I'm not chopped liver.

You know, in the end, I think life should be counted by the people whose lives you have touched. I look at all that has happened, and I can never be too thankful for my friends. Here's a toast to the people who didn't have to get involved, or get their shoulders all sopping wet with my tears, but did it anyway. You make living worthwhile, and you know I'd do the same for you. In a heartbeat.

Love and sleepy kisses,
-Amber-

BLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHH

sleeping the day away, yeah! Just thinking about how some people aren't worth the effort and emotion other people feel like tossing at them. I'm convinced that someone has cast some sort of enchantment spell on one persona and permanent stupid on another. I mean, how else could there be this much fuss? This much stupidity? Why does everyone have issues when they don't need them and none when they do? That's life. We're all young and still learning, I guess.

So to sum it up. If you can't be, with the one you love honey, love the one you're with. And if you don't have anyone to be with, just keep on trucking? Pills. . .making . . . me . .. quote. . .classic rock? ACH!

THE MORNING AFTER A CAFFEINE HIGH

You know what Life? You can just piss off. I'm sick of your funny little games. I'm done being in a soap opera. And I don't think pursuing happiness should warrant you tossing me back in there. I would tell you, dear Life, to go to hell, if you could. But I can't, so I'll just be pissy until you let me know everything is ok, ok?

Addendum: Ok, life, thanks. I'll let it slide this time

Love,
-Amber, not anitcipating the biochem test-

Here's the Dave

I am advertising now. Please ladies, don't tell me if you want him, but here he is and he isn't that scary REALLY! He requires very little sun and even less watering. Rotate his chair once every couple of days for even growth. He sings and plays the guitar and will also help you with html. What more could you ask for? I will require a small finder's fee. Talk to Nick if you're interested :)

Now Dave, you need never leave your room, for I am advertising for you. That's just how cool I am.

I'M TOO CAFFEINATED!! HELP ME!!!

I don't know how Tuesdays can be such rockin' days.

I left Colton (our old brick block of a science building) with some 70's guitar rock in my head. Yeah, I'm rocking. I read a little bit about cholera, and the presentation isn't going to be so monstrously hard as I thought. I still have alot of reading to do, though. That's ok, not freaking out yet!

Welcome back to Nick! Sounds like all kinds of fun-ness occured in Las Vegas, and now we've got many many flyers with naughty pictures on them. I have no idea how Dave's doing, although if you're reading this, Mau'dib, don't let that flickering screen seduce you for too long. The women, they are out there, but you've got to go out to charm them. Or else, get Sam to deliver another one (heh).

I'm really happy today. Good as grinning like a silly person. Yeah. Life gets better. There are two Sarah McLaughlan songs I've been dying to quote on here, but it could kill some of my less girly friends. But fyi, my songs for today are:
"Frankenstein" by Edgar Winter Group ( I think this is the rocking song I had in my head)
and "Fumbling Towards Ecstasy" by Sarah McLachlan (for lyrics that have meaning for me).

How can it be that I can waste so much time on the internet?


take free enneagram test

So yes, Life is a Cabaret Old Chum and I'm dancing my naughty dance for all of ye! Ok, maybe not. If I was, hopefully I'd get paid more or something.

My head is so firmly in the clouds right now. Looks like I'm going to Hawaii. Right now, I can't help but be focused on trying to find a place to live. It's insane how beautfiul it is there, and how freaking expensive. Fortunately, good ole Grandpa Garvin has set aside some funds for my education. I don't know, thinking about that always makes me feel spoiled. Like, how gratuitous of me to fund an internship for myself in Honolulu. But no. I was interested in the research, first and foremost, and I can't pass up this opportunity. Oh no. So, here I am, with something else keeping me distracted from cholera, and now I'm getting SLEEPY.

Dave has been having a rough day. I like to call them "relapse days" because that's just what they are: times when you relapse into feeling down and wrong when you have still made such progress. Giving up love is at least a 12-step program of some sort. I think I helped. I hope I did. Anyone want to date my ex-boyfriend? Don't tell ME if you do (smile). But maybe he needs it. He's still hung up on somethings (or people), and needs reminded that he is worth dating and loving. Rock on Dave, despite all that's happened, I hope you get to be happy. . . .As long as I'm happy :)

Anything else? Nick comes back tomorrow--we shall see what adventures he's had in Sin City! Sam is doing better, we've chatted lots and he's back to giving me a hard time, so he must be somewhat improved. Alice still continues to rock hardcore. Dave K. . .needs to update his Story so I can know how he's doing. Everyone else? why don't you be social and ask them!

Love,
-Amber-

eeek!

IT"S ALIVE!!! THIS ARCHIVE IS ALIVE!

Did you ever notice how many cool things you'd like to do when you realize you actually need to do work instead?

I've got to do some MoleCell tutoring today, and also start reading my infamous pile of papers--and all I really want to do is hang out and bs with my friends. This is what I get for actually becoming social I guess, but dammit, it's worth it. So here I am, procrastinating again. Darlings, it's good to be back.

Well, first off: The writers of "Buffy The Vampire Slayer" were beta-testing their plot devices on me, and that's why my life went to crap in such an uncharacteristic way. I finally watched the infamous wedding episode, taped kindly by Sam over break
(WARNING WARNING SPOILERS AHEAD TO ANYONE WHO FREAKING CARES)
So yeah, Anya is all excited and ready to get married to dear old lovable Xander. She gives this whole speech about how she didn't get love until she met him. How she always saw it as people just bringing pain to one another, but now, she gets it. And she begs him in her little monologue to take care of her heart, because it's all she has. This little speech is a voice-over of Xander running away in the rain. Yeah. SUCKSVILLE. Buffy breaks up with our blonde little Spike in another episode, because it's "killing her" on the inside to keep dating him. That doesn't sound familiar at all. I know, now is when I'm starting to really sound like a geek. But I love the show, and frankly, minus the demons and vampires. . .it's the most realistic show I've ever watched. It deals with real issues, in a funny but still dark and honest manner. Damn, I love that show.

Speaking of weddings, let me go off ala Alice style and say it's nuts. I've been sworn to secrecy here, but for goodness sakes, you told an entire lounge your plans, man. What the hell were you thinking? For the most part, see Alice's journal to get the rant I'm aching to give. It's fucking stupid, and when it was announced I just turned my head to the TV, because I knew the expression on my face was 1 part horror and 1 part disgust. For christ sakes, what the hell did you two just talk about? Perhaps she's relenting or something, but I thought the agreement had been to put that issue off for a while. This isn't awhile, since originally your plans were for this summer too. I know I should stay out of this, but dammit, it's so brilliantly stupid I can hardly believe it, and most folks would agree with me. You want to lose her? Here's a good way to do it.

Although, since fate and I are becoming such *close* friends, I am aware that because this sounds so on-crack, it is probably most likely to work. Because fate doesn't care too much for fairness, but insanity is damn entertaining.

Anything else? Not yet.

A Day Different From What Was Intended For It

Yeah, I had plans to do work today. I was going to read all kinds of great stuff on cholera. Well, I've got lots of great stuff on cholera, so I guess that's a start. Now I've just got to read it. Ech! But my room is very clean now, and I'll wrestle some more with the archiving in an attempt to record this madness for whatever warped posterity could actually be interested in this.

Today is a medium-to-good day. It hasn't been all ecstatic like yesterday, but it hasn't really been bad. I had a good philosophical discussion with Dave D. I showed him his initial e-mail proposal, composed 9/9/99. . . the start of our relationship. We had a good laugh over our intentions. We'd both just come out of serious relationships, been catapulted into Hiram all alone, and suddenly had found someone who liked us. There were vows of moving slow, taking things nice and easy. Yeah. I want to say we were naive, but that word always sounds so venomous coming from a person who feels more experienced. I think unassuming is the better term here. We had no idea what was going to happen, and now we do. This is where we skate the edge of wishing none of this had ever happened, and holding onto this as a good memory. Licking honey from the razor's edge? maybe. Maybe I just wanted to type that and sound super cool. Who knows.

Tried making a mental list of my ideal guy in my head, only to realize it sounded alot like people I'd already dated. That's not the point, is it? So that's a no-go. Moving on after all this is funny. It's exciting. But it's rather crazy too. "To go blindly seems senseless" Yeah. That's how it is.

Sensei tells me when I'm 21 he'll take me to The Lodge (strip joint!) for a birthday celebration the likes of which our dear Jason has seen and blushed severely at. I'm 25% scared and 75% really freaking curious. I was trying to work out in my head if it would be weird to have a bunch of half-naked to naked girls dancing for me. Frankly, I don't think so.

Sensei offered male strippers, and my immediate reaction was---IIIICKK! Dave put it best, that guys dancing like girls just isn't that sexy. I have to agree. Mainly, what I find very sexual about a guy is how they act and think (I'm attracted to prettiness, but it isn't the main factor at play here). I like smart guys with ego and humor and intelligence. And you just can't get that from a lapdance, you know? But girls. . girls are just plain pretty, and dancing girls are very sexual things indeed. So that's how I stand on the matter. I'm not ready to start questioning my sexuality right now. I'm in a state of ultimate flux. But that's something to chew on.

Another thing: why does it seem that to really be intimate with someone you need to see them naked and making funny faces? I was thinking about that. I mean, if Dave and I have shared so much, how come we can't be amazingly close friends without me wanting to snuggle up to him all the freaking time? I guess, in part, it is because we're human, and we aren't very good at true platonic love. Or maybe it's just me who's not. Damn, deep issues here. But getting actually intimate with someone IS a fast way to get to know someone better. I don't necessarily recommend it, but it's an irreversible state of knowledge. So chew on that too

So, off to a play tonight. Who knows what else. That's life for ya.

damn archives!!!

WACKAWACKA----WAAAOOOWWWWWAAAAOOOOW (my interpretation of rocking out, in prose form)

Our water distillation/filtration unit has malfunctioned, therefore our water is at pH 2 and our dear cloned E.coli don't care to much for such conditions--so NO WORK IN THE LAB TODAY! Now, I am just waiting for The Grind to open so I can grab a mocha and go back to lounge in The Lounge. Yeah, I'm on a big upward sweep into giddiness again, and I figure what better way to top that than with a big cup of chocolate caffeine?

Let's see. This weekend will be chock full of reading papers on cholera for my inhuman 30-minute report on the biochemical basis of the disease. Huzzah. After my decadent sushi run last week, I have no money with which to buy pretty things for myself, so that's right out. There's a play to go to tomorrow night, so that should be interesting or at least time-consuming. My vote is interesting though.

In general, I'm just not depressed. It's really freaking cool to me. All these things that bugged me. . . not so much anymore. I still am not pleased with the canoodling happenning in the lounge (canoodling, definition: to get all cuddly and smoochy and wrapped up with eachother in public). The temptation to buy a large rubber mallet is almost overwhelming. Please please please get a room. I can stand to see certain couples in public without spitting and cursing their existence--actually I just liked doing that for fun, so I'll probably keep it up as an homage to old gypsy fortune tellers everywhere. I am existing, and I'm living. Who'd have thought?

Let the lovefest continue!!!! ALICE IS THE GREATEST YEAH!

A GOOD THURSDAY

Who'd have thought it possible? Thursday is often my busiest day, packed with biochemistry lab where we have no idea what will be happening, to Chinese, to Genetics Lab. The genetics lab folks are on pure crack. It's rare thing to be in a lab with people having fun, and I am very thankful for this when it happens. We got out early today, so wheeee!!

Ok, so first off, ALICE ROCKS! We had a nice long chat last night, about all the horrible things that have happened this spring to both of us. She is a cool chica who's enough like me for me to understand on some level. I wish I talked to her more often. In Malaysia, we (Me, Alice, and Dena) were so damn close, and back at school I just see them by chance. I need more girlfriends.

Secondly, Nick is in Las Vegas showing off his portfolio and says he will bring me a present!!! TREATS FOR ME!! Hooray for good friends in strange distant lands!

Thirdly, Dave D. has made some modifications on his journal, and you can now gaze at his lovely face via his webcam. Now you can know what I was missing? eh, that was dumb of me to say, oh well.

Fourthly, ummm. .. somehow I have run out of word steam here. Dave and I are no longer depressed. It's a relief. Nothing feels so good and true after being depressed as just NOT being depressed. Being happy seems dangerous, being in love even more so. But to just exist without despairing---holy shit is it nice.

I had a nice time perusing my other's Dave's webjournal, The Story. Man, I thought I typed alot! I have my own acronym in the epic: SLFGH (Still Likeable Former Girlfriend of the Hero). Guess who the hero is. Should I feel privledged? Who knows. Here's my little nugget of joy for the day:

Although many readers may first think of this document as unfounded banter, one should consider the alternatives offered. After all, if Freud was considered brilliant for thinking that all actions revolved around the mouth, anus, and penis, does it not seem just as likely that all actions revolve around Dave?

--David K. "Davidian Psych"

You know, it's a lot harder to feel justified in writing an entry when you're not pissed or stressed or depressed.

Once I get past this Genetics test, and a meeting with my lab partner, and a tutoring session, and another meeting with my lab partner, I can get back to the business of having a really *nice* day. That may not be till 11PM, but oh well.

I'm pleased that the Lounge is becoming consistently populated in the late evening hours. Who knows, we may continue this revival of Lounge Culture and reach a new pinnacle of anti-social socialness. If you're interested in some past lounge culture, I recommend The Thinkery (www.thinkery.org). Pretty odd, and created by present and past Henryites.

Ok, please sacrifice your small mammals to the gods of science for me.

My brain has presently decided that working on Genetics for my test tomorrow is a silly thing to do.

Instead, it has decided I should compose a song that is alternately hard driving hate rock and cutesy pop, and occasionally moving over to a woeful blues number. What the hell. If only I played any instruments that could rock--all I've got is French Horn capabilities. Not that the horn couldn't rock. . .but, well, you know.

The weather is wet but now warm, so in my book it's a big "SUCK." I'm feeling rather punky. I'm not sure why. I'm usually pretty anti-punk. I guess I typically don't have the guts for it, and probably not even now. Fiesty fiesty fiesty. Just been thinking about how my heart is dead, or hibernating. It's like looking down and finally noticing your leg is gone. WOW! look at me mom! no heart!!!

work archive! work!!!

Dammit.

Ok, so that isn't happening yet. Oh, to be adept at such things. Today looks to be a decent day, as it's basically free of classes, just packed with responsibilities like TA-ing labs and working in the Genetics lab too. I had a weird dream last night, another one of those "back in highschool" things. I never cared for those. It always involves me feeling like I don't belong there, like something is wrong and I shouldn't be back in hs. And as soon as I figure out I shouldn't: I wake up. Fabulous.

Found a good duo of songs for today: "Yeah, Whatever" and "I Think God Can Explain" by Splender. Kinda mellow, a little guitary. . .wish songs didn't remind me of Dave even if he never sang them to me. I hope that passes with time.

A Day About Nothing

Really. And I'm rather content with that. Like wide, mellodramatic ripples in a pond, so does misc. crap still seem to rock our little Henry Hall community. For right now, Sam's possibly getting fired and feeling all around depressed--I guess it's his turn? eh. I'm feeling amorphous or normal, I can't tell, which is probably a clue I'm not normal. Somehow, I don't think I was or ever will be.

What do I wish I was doing? I wish I was off on vacation somewhere, running around doing frivolous things, exploring strange streets, eating treat-food. Just away from all of this. Well, not all of this. Just enough so that I could enjoy those other parts without worrying about how it will affect other people. I would just like to live. Enjoy life in all its absurdity, as fate suddenly dropped its interest in me and gave me a break. I wish it could be summer-weather, so I could wander around Hiram at night and not feel cold. It looks like I will get to go to Hawaii for my internship at the Kewalo Marine Lab (www.kewalo.hawaii.edu) although I may be waiting tables all summer to do it. Here's hoping, because if I ever needed a vacation, it was now.

WHAT THE HEY

Ok, technically this isn't two posts in a day, but it feels like it. But the weekend, in all its random strangeness, deserves it. So let's call this a weekend in review, shall we? New friendships were discovered, old friends died, people found new paths, others found new hands to hold when things got rough. What blows my mind is this: no one, in their right mind, could have ever predicted this is where we would all be. The things that have occured. . . mind-blowing.

Like, let's take today for example: In one single day, a death was made known (see Alice's log), Sam is in peril of being fired for no good reason, Barrie asked me over for a drink, Nick tells me Karen from my freshman year thought I was really cute but unattainable, Dave found a new way of living, and my old David from home told me that he's still thinking about me (not that it matters, since he's all the way in Philly, and I'm . . .here.) And not that it would even matter if he was here. . . I can't love anyone now, not for a good long time. It reminds me of sensei showing us pressure points and armbars and such, bending joints, grinning and saying "It just don't bend that way!" I don't think I could if I wanted to.

Well, I realized I can indeed move on, after a bad day which was probably not the final one either. I don't know this Dave. . . it's somehow better this way. I don't feel lost anymore, but I still don't know where I'm going. Or what I'm doing. I don't know the right way to make it through this, I'm making it up as I go along. . .Oh hell. Who knows. Onward and upward.

Spring Putting a Spring in my Step?

who the hell knows. I can't tell you when spring will finally get around to starting--it's been off and on here, alternating between snowy and swampy. Ohio, this dear state I live in, perhaps is trying to console me by alternating its moods as well? I doubt it.

Saturday was a supremely and utterly great day. James, Nick, Tom, Kelly, and myself went to Mandarin Buffet in Mayfield Heights for their lunch buffet--an enormous spread ranging from shrimp cocktail to General Tsao's chicken to sushi. I was overwhelmingly in heaven. On top of that, James ordered two boatloads (literally arriving in boats) of sushi and sashimi. My first taste of an actual slab of raw tuna. . . it was so freaking fabulous, my mouth has started watering all over again. Damn our yucky college food. Eventually, we paid our phenomenal bill and went to the mall at Beechwood Place. Then to Borders, where I had to stop myself from dancing down the aisle whilst listening to the new Gypsy Kings CD, and then discovered an odd book called "Making Out in Chinese" which includes many key words like "satisfying" and "yes" and "whore." Yeah, the world, as Borders contains it, is a wonderous place.

That evening, the Pink Floyd cover band "Wish You Were Here" played at Hiram to an unbelievably large crowd, for us. They haven't been here since my freshman year, but they still rock just as much. It was an event of great people watching, especially since a great percentage of the population was drunk by this point. After avoiding the drunken pack of boys who had settled down next to my crew, who were thereafter distracted by the grindings of Judy and Co., I went to the center to hang out with Dena and just sway dreamily to the music. Pink Floyd can take you away, if you let it. And I did. Because recently, the last place I've wanted to be sometimes was here. But life gets better, and Saturday is proof of that.

There is a silly saying: "Today is the beginning of the rest of your life"

Today feels like that, but it doesn't make it more important, or with greater import I should say. Every day is the beginning of the rest of your life, really. It's all about perspective. I choose for today to be the beginning of living the rest of my life. . .let's see how fate feels about that eh?

In other news: I am unenlightened. Maybe it is better Dave has suddenly become a totally different person who I can't understand or connect to much at all--then again, maybe he was that way all along, and I just didn't see it. Oh well.

Ramble on,
And now's the time, the time is now
To sing my song.

I PROMISE THIS IS A HAPPIER ENTRY

although, it's not like you can't just stop reading it if it *did* turn depressing. Heh. So, anyway. If you ever get to know me for any long period of time, you will find I am very much a super-mild manic-depressive: After I get super sad, to the point of utter despair, I zoom up into the heights of giddiness and joy. WHEEEE!!! So, judging by yesterday's entry, you can guess what I'm feeling right now. And Jiu Jitsu always makes me feel tremendously better. . .it never hurts to toss Jason around and kick him.

What was today's magic revalation?
Here it is: I'm not losing as much as I thought I was.
It's the blessed silver lining of thinking someone loved you more than they did (here there is a slight gnashing of teeth). Dave tried to help me yesterday, handing me over all his advice about life and happiness being this transient thing, references to insects added for flavor.
Unfortunately, most of that just didn't help. I know that someday I will die, and this too shall pass. But if life is so short, happiness can exist for a lifetime and still be transient, because we mortals are. The fact is, we're a weak species and we strive for order in a chaotic world. And Dave was my one bit of secure land in a sea of crap, and now it's sink or swim, you know? I have every right to be upset. But you know what? Holding grudges, being pissed, being hurt. . . what's the point really? All it does is keep you in the pain you're so upset you're feeling.

But Dave said one thing true thing, and I'm paraphrasing here: "With you, I know what I'm giving up. We'd get married, have some kids, and be sortof happy, and that's about it"

And this one time I'll relinquish it: He's right. That's really all there is for us. I want to be hesitant here and say that it's not a matter of how good a person he is or I am. It's not a question of who's good in bed or funny to talk with. No, the question is not worth, it's fit. And while we conform enough to eachother to be comfortable, we just don't connect enough. So what am I losing? What exactly is there to mourn? In the end, just disillusionment. It was a wonderful time in my life, and I was so very certain it would go on like that forever. But it didn't, and that's for the best, really.

On to general news: Tomorrow should be super fun! Nick and James and I and who knows who else will be going out for sushi, and maybe some window shopping. I'm so very thankful for these friends I have. Now if only the dating pool here at Hiram where a little deeper. . .Nah, why sweat it? I'm single, and I'll have fun with it, and hopefully that will include all kinds of fun!
A girl can only dream, and pray.

WARNING: entry of epic proportions

I can’t help it . . . didn’t have time to update fully last night. So now I’ve got more ground to cover—wheeee!! So let’s get this party started, shall we? (Cue furious tango music)

This past week, two students from Hiram died in a car crash, coming back from spring break. On this campus, such losses are really felt, and hard. I don’t remember either of them, but chances are I passed them on the sidewalk more than once. It is a cruel season indeed. Has anyone been left untouched? But all the drama seems over and done with. Sometimes it feels like fate was waiting for its blood sacrifice, and now it moves on, sated, to shatter someone else’s world.

Why do I try so hard to maintain ex-boyfriends as friends? I’ve wondered that a lot recently, as Dave seems to being going through his own rough spots, and I still check in on him, even offer to walk with him if he likes. Why do I overextend myself like this? Am I even helping him by being there at all? Am I just keeping myself tied to him? Can I ever let go?

I know I’m still gaga over him. I don’t want to be. Oh god how easy it would be to move on with life if I wasn’t. But I know I am. And I’m not sure what exactly I’m holding onto here. I mean, come on, he hurt me in ways I can’t even describe correctly with words. I try to reason with my brain. I say, “listen, he’s not right for you, he doesn’t feel the same way about you, he was already moving on before you did. You’re just still in love with being in love.”

Insert mental temper tantrum HERE. Throw in all the it’s-not-fair’s and why-couldn’t-it-be-me’s. Throw in some real true anger for good measure. That’s me, every time I remember a nice moment, every time a love song comes on the radio, when I wake up in the morning, and go finally to sleep at night. It seems like what I did wrong was make him happy, distracting him from finding himself—and I know that sounds dumb, and it isn’t exactly the case. Don’t think I’m that stupid. And besides, that’s still his issue, not mine. I just can’t figure it out enough to box it up and put it in the closet with the old love letters and tokens of affection. I’m stuck trying not to make eye contact. Hating him, loving him, missing him, and feeling so pathetic for it.

And what Alice said, in her journal, that’s true: I don’t acknowledge my pain other than here, in general. I’m supposed to get better. More than that, I’m supposed to be moving on with my life. I’m so goddamn tired of being sad, of questioning my worth as a person, and of bringing happy folks down with my obsessive reflections. I’m sad that I have to be the one, this time, to do all the wishing and clinging, and I’m sadder still to not be certain I should. I guess, if I can envy anything about crazy Jason, that would be it. He always knew where he belonged. He fought for it with conviction, and I distracted him for only a short period of time. And now, they’re happy. Good for them. As for me, I don’t know where I belong, or where I’m going, or when the hell I’m going to feel something other than surviving. The days seem too long, the hours stretch out one after another. The distance of my time alone is immeasurable.

I found a poem that I wrote my freshman year of college. Back when Dave and I where first going out, and Dave and Sam were still good friends. We all lived in one room together for a while, played video games, BS-ed. None of us were busy and anything that rocked our world back then was nothing in comparison. It was aimed at Dave, in general, so all the you’s and your’s belong to him. So, here’s something to add even more length to this entry.

A Time and a Place

Here. Now.
In this cozy little room,
With Christmas lights
and cookie jars
and pipe smoke permeation,
The three of us live together,
and my dear, there is laughter
and suddenly, this is home.
But, I meditate on the smoke
puffing out of your cigarettes
lingering, dancing in the air
before dissipating away.
These moments with you two
are sweeter than the second-hand smoke
and as comforting as your warm body
asleep next to mine
night after night.
Only so many nights
can we stay here,
be here,
in this time and place.
Vapors fading into lifetimes.

MORE TO COME LATER TONIGHT

I promised Nick I would not stay in this here computer lounge for long. Why, I don't know.

Today was the most sublimely beautiful day--all mild and humid and smelling like spring. . . and my mood wasn't so bad either. I will give full analysis later. Right now, I just wanted to say, It's Over. I'm calling it, and Fate can read this and decide to screw me over again. But for now, I'm saying the shit is over. Now all that is left is picking up the pieces, and moving on on on. Dave had a good quote on his AIM, from William Blake (one of my favorite guys). It was all about not grasping onto happiness, but enjoying it when it was here. It made me think of a poem, one I used to love back in higschool. It has new meaning now, so here goes:

Living...

To touch the cup with eager lips and taste, not drain it;
To woo and tempt and court a bliss--and not attain it;
To fondle and caress a joy, yet hold it lightly,
Lest it become necessity and cling too tightly;
To watch the sun set in the west without regretting;
To hail its advent in the east--the night forgetting;
To smother care in happiness and grief in laughter;
To hold the present close--not questioning hereafter;
To have enough to share--to know the joy of giving;
To thrill with all the sweets of life--is living.
........Unknown

So there you go. I can't say I won't cling to a love that is true, but hey, time will tell what I will do. (wow! I rhymed!)

Today, I woke up, rubbed my eyes, and thought to myself, "Today isn't going to be a good day." I guess it's right thoughtful of my brain to let me know right off the bat. It isnt' a bad day, really. I spent most of the day doing low-stress things in the lab, a little time sitting with folks (ok, started off with some awkward silence, but melted into pleasant fun), Chinese class, and then more lab time.

Today is rather odd--calm and quiet. You know, if love is indeed a battlefield, then I would best describe today's feeling as standing out in the middle of this battlefield, surrounded by dead bodies. The war is over, indeed. All that's left. . . there isn't anything left. It's rather dissapointing, somehow. All of that heartbreak, all the drama, the tears, two years of happiness is adding up to this? Dave says he feels like the last two years were a detour on the road to finding himself. I half agree with him there. I know I should be upset with such a statement, since it's saying that it did not help him, really. I hate feeling like all of that has been dismissed as "pleasant" But I understand. Today, it feels like we are left with nothing. And what's more, the whole wedge between our relationship was a disparity in feelings. So, chalk it up to unfair life, Amber, and move on.

I don't know how I'm going to treat love from now on. If ever my heart trembles in that direction again, and I'm sure it will in some way, will fear be there as well? how I would love now would be so different from two years ago, when I wasn't really looking for it. I remember saying it, looking down at Dave smiling up at me with those warm brown eyes . . .saying and realizing all at the same moment: "I think I'm falling in Love with you."

That moment wasn't for nothing. I think if you keep travelling straight through life in search of yourself, you miss alot of wonderful things along the way. More than that, it takes a wise person to know which path is the right path to be walking, and detours can still get you to your destination.

Night Time Musings

Why can't I just have someone to nap with? I mean, right now, it would seem just enough to have someone to share a bed with. That's all, nothing naughty meant by it. It would be so wonderful just to have someone else *there*. But it just wouldn't be a simple thing. It would involve finding someone who was ok with it, who I wanted to be there, who wouldn't mind the inevitable rumours. More than that, is such an arrangement even possible? Who knows, it's likely one of those improbable solutions of the minute. Besides, my room is a freaking mess.

Night time, it's the time when a person really feels most alone. Every night, going to bed alone, fighting a losing battle with the cold. . . missing the nights I spent up with Dave, just laughing and being silly. I miss falling asleep feeling warm and cozy and safe. Night time is the worst time. And in my heart, I get the feeling that it will be a long time before I have someone to share that time, in the space between waking and sleeping. An empty space in my life, and in my heart.

Ok, so enough of the weepy depressedness. I'm frankly so busy all the sudden I hardly have time to dwell on these things. I don't know how Dave is doing, but I know I'm kicking ass. Taking names. Easing into single life, which doesn't seem to be such a big deal for the people who've been here for awhile. But for me, it's been more than two years, and even before that I was usually dating off and on. Soooo. . here I am. I've gotten two internship offers--one of them notified me today and expect an answer by Friday. Doesn't seem like the best business policy to me. Oh weeelll. Now my options, aside from Hawaii, are Case Western Reserve and a research center in upstate New York (working on nanobiotechnology!). Who knows where I'll end up, this summer is as far as I like to think

ANYONE INTERESTED IN MEANINGLESS SEX?

heh, thought that might get your attention. Apparently, almost no one is. Bummer for me. It might as well not be possible. I'm starting to get a bit anxious here. . .and I'm not sure what to do about it. But that's fodder for some other rant--I'm sure I'll be just like this tomorrow too.

Let me just say that, I love hobby stores, comic book shops . . .the little spaces packed with geekdom as far as the eye can see. Every one of them, I always feel welcome in. Maybe it's the rows of familiar games, the gleaming displays of dice. . . or maybe it's that I have breasts and such things are a rare occurance outside the inked lines of a comic book in such a place. My kind, the roleplaying girl, is a rare breed--rarer still if we're decent looking. It's fun to walk in, and start browsing around like I have a purpose. I get to pretend to create this air of mystery. I always linger in the White Wolf roleplaying games section, look quizzically over the Changeling player's guide. They've got to wonder what I'm doing here. Especially when I obviously know my way around the place. It's an ego trip, pure and simple. But I belong there, and that makes it all the more fun.

Just this weekend, I journeyed to one such store in Ohio to buy a Pit Zombie Gnoll Chainail figurine (yeah!) for my brother. I did my routine, grabbed the box, and made my purchase. Just as I was about to leave, I heard a voice. . . small with a german accent:

"Excuse me, miss, could I persuade you to take a fortune cookie?"

I turned around. There before me was a typical sight--two young gentlemen hunched over a table covered with Magic cards. But there was something quite different about this scenario. . . the table was also covered in a field of fortune cookies. How they had gotten so many, I will never know. It was providence I guess. So one of the guys, the one to whom belonged the accent, a long ponytail, and glasses, dropped a broken cookie in my hands. I gave them my best pretty girl smile, feeling rather generous--can you see my hulking ego shining through here? And went on my way.

These days, it seems like fortune cookies never have fortunes in them. Only dumb proverbs or just lucky numbers. But this one, passed on to me by an oracle with a green Magic deck, had an honest-to-god fortune:

"Your love of music will play a prominent role in your life."

ok, I thought. Sure, why not? It wasn't until today, after I listened to the song Dave had wrote to the lyrics I had given him--a song composed in under 24 hours--that I realized, the fortune was true. Dave and I had just been talking about songs, how these days it seems so amazing that complete strangers could recreate our misfortunes so keenly true. Somehow, I offered up writing lyrics to a song, and he agreed to do the music half of it. I wrote it that night. The next day, there was a melody to go along with it.

Now, I know what you're thinking. "oh Gawwddd. . . a love song written by two jilted lovers! this has got to be the sappiest, silliest thing ever written!" Well, I don't know how anyone else would feel about it. But somehow I think we stumbled on to a little bit of something wonderful. It has made me more content, to blend our talents like this together, to give a little word to my pain, to our good days. It's been hard realizing that right along with not marrying Dave, I will not be raising his children either. I really wanted to. Wanted so much some day to blend myself with someone so wonderful. And in a way, that is what I'm getting to do now. This song, it's our lovechild, and it may sound silly, but it's true. We're both truly alone now. But maybe we've brought something better into the world, and we've done that together. Maybe the world doesn't suck completely. Nah, I think it still does for now.

Theme for today: enlightenment and dissilusionment--all in one!

Went out with my old highschool TV co-anchor Dave. Yes, two Daves in my life, although not simultaneously. This Dave, I fell in love with in kindergarten, and finally got to date him for one surreal summer before we went our seperate ways for college. I knew always that we'd never work out in the long run, but in the short term . . .He's a force of ego. The county math whiz who's always been unquestionably the smartest in every academic setting. He's the only guy to honest to God flirt with me, even wink at me in class. My point? Hold on but one moment:

As far as I can tell, my current hinderances to true happiness (tongue in cheek here) are being too pretty, independent, and most of all INTIMIDATING. I ask people, why don't guys approach me if I'm as pretty as you're saying. Their answer: THEY'RE SCARED.

Listen folks, I'm like, 5'6". I'm a girl. I'm a *nice* girl. Up until lately, I didn't really want to hurt people. What the heck do you think I would do? Say no? Fucking wimps. Whew. Ok, better now. Just FYI, when I got winked at, i got scared. I know it's scary, yes I do. The lesson I guess to learn is: I'll have to make the first move.

Ok, but there's more to this story. Some guys think they're ok with a girl such as me. But what if they discover they aren't? How I am supposed to avoid getting hurt by that--again? I have no clue. And moreover, I'm wondering how many worthwhile guys are NOT intimidated by me.

So I went out with Dave the Ego, because I knew in him there would be hope. So, as we traced the dark and strange backroads of Wheeling--there really isn't anything better to do, I asked him. I said "Dave, do you think I'm intimidating?"

He stopped the car.

And then he started laughing. "Whaaaat?" He said. He reached over and ruffled my hair and tickled my chin, like he used to, back when things were simple and the days were warm. "Nah. You're cute and sweet and smart, but you're not intimidating." (this is paraphrasing, as i suck at remembering converstations verbatim)

"lean over this way" I told him. And I planted a kiss on his cheek. He deserved it. He made my day. Why? Because, if I already found one guy already who is wonderful, who isn't scared of me. Who doesn't think I'm too much of anything, or not enough of something else. . . then there is hope. Odds are, there's someone out there who will fit this category. Somewhere, out there, there's gotta be someone who can love me, with all the love that I always end up giving. Mom told me that when I fall in love, I fall in love with my whole heart. It's the truth. Life is too short to love half-assed. It means I end up like this, but I still don't regret loving either Dave. When I said I loved them, I meant it. And I still do.

And now, I'm talking to my---no, not mine dammit--Dave. We're floating down from being pissed at one another, to just being in this misery together. It is tragic. There are so many things we have lost, and all just because we can't change the way we feel. I want to put my brain in a jar.

Went to sleep at 5AM, woke up at 11AM. Six hours is fabulous for a college student!

I got my hair cut today. It's not as dramatic as I was somehow hoping for, but better to be no this side of the spectrum than the other, you know? it's all flippy in the front, and I'm trying to get used to that.

I'm doing better than I thought I was. For the first time, in a long time, I'm moving on without a "training boyfriend" so to speak. I'm not waiting on any guy. I have no definite relationships waiting for me in the future. i'm just moving on blindly, bravely. It's absolutely horrifying, but a little exciting too. A whole wide world of possibilities out there--yeah Sam, you still have photographic rights :)

I've still got my nose stuck squarely where it doesn't belong. But I think, if I've got to let go of Dave, doing it in a way that is doing some good might be easier. I have no idea.

Another 2 post day! I am still pathetic and WV is killing me softly WITH BOREDOM

I'm not getting better now. It's a slow downgrade into thnking waaaay to much about things that simply don't help. I keep sticking my nose where it doesn't belong, in Dave's business. Waaay to far into it--but my curiousity is my death and I'll receive it. Having weird slightly erotic dreams again. Although I'd call this last one more disturbing than anything else.

I don't know. Sounds like he's in more suck than I am. I wish I could help. I'm trying, but it kills a little part of me to do it.

The true day doesn't start until 1PM

Yesterday was crap. Utter crap. It was a bad day of emotional relapse and falling prey to severe love withdrawl. It was suck. Dave has gotten to go out alot, hanging out with people his own age--and he sounds like he's gotten alot of healing done. I envy the piss out of him for it. Being at home is re-energizing, but it isn't healing. I spend my days at home, alone. My nights with my family. Yeah. So I unloaded on him, since he seems to have reached a point where he could take it. I felt better.

Today started out sucking just as much, but I knew it wasn't supposed to because all the fucking stupid horoscopes I read told me things were going to get better starting on the 7th. So I took a shower. Slowly, things sucked less. And now I just want to get back to Hiram. I'm ready to rock, just a little. Although I dont' know that my schoolwork will let me do so. Oh, and don't read horoscopes for hope. Mine told me things have sucked, they will get better for the duration of the spring and summer, but then in the fall they are going to suck again. Piss on the planets.

Two posts in one day. I must be pathetic.

Yeah, I am. But I don't care.

Yesterday, the issue was a strange dream which called my sexuality and sanity into question--yeah! Today, I was being called mentally to Oglebay Park. I was in the local sandwhich shop, when the smell of barbecued pork floated up my nose. . . and suddenly it was summer time in WV, all sweet and humid with the smell of campfire smoke and barbecue. Oh god, how I really really really want it to be summer. That evening, I actually ended up dining at Oglebay lodge, overlooking Shenck Lake as the sun set. All I could think of was how much I wanted someone to walk the paths with, in the summer, in the soft, sticky heat of July. But at the same time, I didn't want any such thing. It's another time where I don't know what I wanted.

Mom was telling me about the time my uncle divorced his first wife. She asked him, "What went wrong?" He said, he realized he wasn't in love with his wife. He was in love with the idea of being married. I've asked myself, many times, if that was what was happening here. I can't speak for the other side of this relationship.

all I do know, is that if I didn't love Dave. . . I don't think I know what love is. These days, what I miss the most is the good times, the lazy weekends, the times we didn't do anything but just hang out together. No deep converstations, no arguements, just being, and being together. We were so much alike, at the core, and I still don't understand why we weren't constantly sharing, why I didn't feel he was open for communication all the time, why I couldn't confess things to him, why we didnt' go on long walks in the rain and snow. I think, maybe, because I just wanted to be with him. That I was most happy just existing with someone, not pushing issues or causing strife. Just being. Is that enough to be happy? I don't know. And that too, sucks.

HELP ME I HAVE BEEN LOST TO COUNTRY MUSIC

Ok, maybe not completely. . .but it seems everything I pick up, from used books to CD's to movies, is somehow mirroring my life and speaking to me personally. I mean, maybe my brain is just hyper-senstive to this topic of relationships ending, heartbreak, confusion, new beginnings. Maybe on some severely subconscious level, I am finding these things on purpose. Maybe I need to, so that I'll see this from all different angles, and know that I'm not the only one to feel this way. Or maybe it's just sick torture--My brain delights in that. I picked up a Dixie Chicks CD, my last purchase in a decadent, frivilous shopping spree. Just an afterthought really. Who'd have guessed that every single song would mirror a thought, a feeling I had in the short time before now. Look at this:

There Is No Good Reason
I Should Have To Be So Alone
I'm Smothered By This Emptiness
Lord I Wish I Was Made Of Stone
Like A Fool I Lent My Soul To Love
And It Paid Me Back In Change
God Help Me
Am I The Only One Who's Ever Felt This Way?

Hell, check out the whole album, Wide Open Spaces. Ok, don't care how corny any of it sounds. For once, I really truly *get* country. One of my favorites, "There's Your Trouble" mimicks two instances when I was dating someone who was thinking about someone else--I recommend it for it's accuracy and delightful instrumentation. I dedicate it to them, minus the me loving part on the second one (sorry, man).

So today, in my journal of a love junkie, is a decent day. I went and showed my leopard gecko, Skeletor, to my mom's preschool class. Those kids are supremely cute and sweet. But I had some flashes of times when I thought about having kids with Dave, and that sucked. I don't get to dream about that now either. Ok, see, there's one of those mental landmines, just waiting for me to walk over it and feel sweet pain. But it's ok. It's that "Comfortably Numb" sort of hurt. I'm leaving it, slowly. It's a dull sort of pain, that feels more like a tightness, a lump in the chest. It never escapes.

Music for today: "White Wedding" by Billy Idol

That song fucking rocks. Why today's song? It's a nice day to. . .START AGAIN!!!

Ok, so that's not aimed at just me, but mainly at me. Mom and I went shopping, shopping, shopping, and talked alot about relationships over salads at Longhorn Steakhouse. Just like the old days. She had alot of advice, alot of good advice. What bit of wisdom did she pass along? That I should just stay out of certain issues that don't concern me anymore. And dammit, I've dealt with her too long to think she is wrong about that. See, I've got to let go, especially let go of Dave. It's hard when you live on this campus and see these people every day, and especially since I'm still going to love him as a friend for a long long time. But yeah, it's the last sorce of pain, wondering all the time what he's thinking and up to. And I keep saying, "Amber, you've gotta let go"

Good lesson to learn: your mind does whatever the fuck it wants to. It's in charge. You're not. I'm not going into a psychological debate on this one.

Needless to say, I'm having trouble listening to that one. Alot like when I was afraid of gremlins, but I'd still wait for the commercial on Drunk Driving that they'd appear in every day after Rainbow Brite. I would wait eagerly and watch all of it and then be fucking scared for hours afterwards. Yeah, alot like that. It, in a way, is desensitization. . . but it's also mental scab-picking.

I need to let go, and the majority of the time I feel like I have. More every day. But there are moments. . . . ack.

Mom also attempted to describe my perfect man. It involved "funny hair, interesting looking hiking boots, a desire to travel" Maaaybe she's right. It doesn't matter. If he appeared at my door tomorrow, maybe I'd go to Borneo with him. But my heart is still stuck other places. Come back when you feel like it, you evil crumpled thing.

Song for today: some celtic music

Spent too much time on AIM, and had to get up at the screaming mean time of 7:00AM to go to my sister's cheerleading competition. I spent my time picking out which cheerleader I would want to destroy first. Then, off to the Wheeling Celtic festival for music and shopping. THEN I got to go to Paradox Used Book Store and bought lots of cheap books. My favorite find has been a novel paralleling the love of two women in a harem (long ago) to that of two women in NYC (present day). Very sensual, should distract me a great deal, and also not remind me much of past love.

I'm experiencing patches of excellent moods, decent moods, and yucky moods. I'm navigating it, and my buddy Chris told me I was doing very well--it really helped to hear that. Maybe I'm doing well at something related to this mess. Didn't even try anything with Chris, which makes me happy as I was afraid I'd be dumb. Admittedly, my heart just isn't in it, and frankly I'm not sure where it is, but I have to believe it's coming back. It can't be far. . . it still hurts like hell. Ok, now I'll kick until I feel better. Peace and Love.