Weekend Vacation

Well, my horoscope for this week at freewill astrology told me that my original horoscope related to a haunted mansion theme: the future would hold the equivalents of skeletons in closets, stairways that led to nowhere, funhouse mirrors that distorted and confused my view of myself, being lost and frightened by things popping out of closets.

After a fateful dream, the astrologer said, he changed my horoscope to a funhouse theme. Good secrets would be revealed. Stairways will lead to new and exciting things I never would have imagined. The funhouse mirrors will show me new ways to look at myself, and the things that pop out at me will suprise and delight me.

As you may know, if you spatially close to me in Madison, my lab meeting was a double-edged sword. I've been working with this mutant strain, trying to learn how the genetic defects it has result in defects in its ability to form a symbiosis with the squid. And all the work I've been doing looks like there isn't a big defect. But the guy who worked before me on the project saw a defect, so I figured I was just doing things incorrectly.

So, at lab meeting I presented my data, and his, and we got most of the way through the lab meeting and one of the post-doc's said: "I hate to sound mean, but. . ." and then (in summary) told me that the defect they guy before me saw wasn't that large, and there were better projects for me to be working on. It might be time to cut bait on this project.

It sounds kindof horrifying. I stayed calm through the rest of the meeting. Everyone was very supportive. But after it was over, the afternoon was free and all I could think was: I might need a new project? After all the reading and work I've done and after presenting my plans for the coming year to my committee already? Do I have to start over again? I'm behind already!!

As far as I can tell, this happens to almost everyone in science at least once. You get really excited about a cool project, and you work and work and nothing comes out of it, and you have to drop it to work on something else. Because in this profession, data is your livelihood. If you don't have data, you can't publish, and if you can't publish, you'll have trouble getting hired. Also, for the grad student, you need data to have a prelim, and a PhD. . .

So I swore off lab for the weekend. On Friday night, Sarah took me out for drinks at Kimia Lounge and Crave: two nice, less undergrad-y bars in Madison. I got a drink in a carmelized glass, which involved setting the thing on fire! FIRE I TELL YOU! It made me so happy to spend the evening with her, because I know I have a history of dropping my girlfriends when a boy enters the picture, and I didn't want that to happen with her. So we got dressed up and had a small night on the town! Eventually I met up with Andy over at the Irish Pub--it's a recruitment weekend so he and Sharon and Roger and Rhett and Jeremy had all been busy hosting possible PhD students.

Got up around 10AM on Saturday and spent a lovely afternoon with Sarah--we hadn't been to St. Vinnie's in awhile, so we went to the East side of town for coffee and thrift shops. We went to Mother Fools for coffee, which is alot like the B-side for you Hiram folk, as it is just one room, but so damn cozy and cool you just can't help but feel comfy. We sipped our drinks and chatted, and at one point this older man (~60) came up and complimented me for using my hands so much when I talk. I thanked him, and he went on to ask if I was a natural redhead.

At this point, my gut turned a little bit. Being a relatively friendly young lady, I have had strange men come up and talk to me in the past. The general format is:
1. Get her attention (eye contact)
2. Say something friendly (verbal acknowledgement)
3. Either say something else nice or something so horrible and dirty that the girl wishes she had run away screaming when you came over.

We were nearing step 3, and with an intro like "are you a natural redhead" it could go either way. Thankfully, he smiled and said "Ahh, well that's the redhead personality [they are very expressive?]. He leaned in and whispered (although loud enough for sarah to hear:

"Gentlemen don't prefer blondes. There just aren't enough redheads to go around."

So that is my quote for the day, for the weekend even perhaps. I'm not a true, true redhead, but as somewhere in between redhead and brunette I'll take what compliments I can.

From there I went on to have a truly successful shopping day, and made a landspeed record for buying a swimsuit in under a half hour. God bless tankinis! They are both utterly more flattering for those of us with blinding white bellies, and also much easier to work with than a one-piece. REQUISITE GIRLY INFORMATION: It's mostly black but with a geometric design of light lime and aqua blocks running diagonally, and top ties around the back of my neck so certain elements cannot run away (although they do try to escape, it's a good kind of trying to escape).

Finally, I watched "City of God" with Sarah, which is a superbly well-edited film and absolutely must be watched. Just keep in mind it isn't a movie for picking you up and making you feel good.

Sunday has been much quieter. Went to bed Saturday night around 3:30AM, stayed in bed until 3PM, even though I had a dream that I was a vampire, and was being hunted down by some club of well-dressed (aka tux and evening gown) vampire hunters who kept trying to stab me with pencils. They finally caught me and were going to sacrifice me at dawn for their amusement, but I was allowed one phone call. However I had much trouble getting my contacts button to work on the phone. When I finally reached the person I was trying to reach, they asked me if I wanted them to rescue me, and I said no, I'd be fine. But I wasn't going to be. They were going to kill me, and I was crying.

After waking up, I wondered why I hadn't asked for that person's help, but oh well. The weekend has come and gone again, and this week will be challenging, like always. February is almost gone!

Weeee! why work on your lab meeting handout when you can BLOG?!

Just a slight sampling of procrastination. The week has flown by, as always, and Friday is nearly here. I'm giving lab meeting tomorrow. Technically, this is a weekly event where one of us presents a little of what they've been up to in the lab since the last time they presented. The function of this excersize is to keep everyone informed on what other folks in the lab are up to, and troubleshooting, troubleshooting, troubleshooting. And lord is my project in need of troubleshooting. . .

This weekend is another recruiting weekend for the MDTP program, which means senior-level undergrads will be visiting our departments and interviewing with our PI's and getting heaps of free meals to boot! I'm not hosting a student this weekend, so I might actually have some free time to go play downtown, which I've been craving lately with the change to nicer weather. State Street is pretty magical, what with all the little shops and peoplewatching to enjoy.

Oh ladies and gentlemen, the spring fever is growing ever more fierce in me. My feet are craving sandles and I want to go picnic and fly kites and smell the soil again. It is still a way's off, and so I put it on the shelf with my ocean fever, waiting for the lab-baby fever, daydreaming about everything under the sun instead of paying attention in lecture-fever . . . .

Well, hopefully I'll get some useful input on my project tomorrow. Data fever is also upon me, and man would it be awesome to move past making mutants to actually using them in cool experiments.

Getting older

Getting older is about dropping stupid hangups and finding new things to be afraid of.

Getting older is about bluffing everyone, even yourself, into thinking you are smart enough. And learning that's what everyone else is doing.

Getting older is about seeing more people as young.

Getting older is about more people looking up to you.

Getting older is about trying Love again even when you can't know it will be forever.

Getting older is about looking back and thinking you were so silly THEN.


Eeehhhh, life is pretty darn good right now. But it's getting near the fool moon and sometimes that makes me feel a little wonky and contemplative.

I think I'm really starting to live, as cliche as that sounds. Getting older, but I know 23 doesn't count as old. It's this newfound sense of ownership in my life that I'm digging. But of course, the happier and less-tortured I get the less artistic anything I type feels.

Lately I've had ocean fever and a touch of baby fever. Not want-to-have-a-baby fever, mind you. The wife of one of my labmates is due ANY DAY now. And I just find myself beyond excited for them, which is easy for ME to say since my life will change very little, and theirs so much. The ocean fever is this ever-growing craving for the beach. In my gut it grinds away and it's all I can do to keep the daydreams of me lazing about on a towel with the smell of sunscreen and sounds of the waves. . .

I'm so busy that the days fly by and the lecture courses are fraught with daydreams.

I handed back my first graded lab report for the lab I T.A. It was hard to have to give some poor grades. I can't define how being a T.A. and grading their work has changed me, aged me. But it has.

Thursday!

One of the great things about tuesdays and thursdays is that I am solidly scheduled for 75% of them. I mean, I blink and I've gone from reading before class to class to lunch to TA-ing for three hours to lab work and then home. It's over practically before I know it.

But of course, this is also exactly why they can suck.

I'm not saying today sucked. It feels more like I put up with alot of stupid stuff and made it through alive (in part because I fell asleep last night at 9PM and slept till this morning). And yeah, there is something impressive about surviving it.

Sure, it's my second year of grad school, but only now really am I beginning to feel like a real grad student. And while alot of that involves starting to feel like I'm learning how to think more critically, and learning more facts and concepts. . . alot of it is just learning to not care about stupid crap that isn't important. Like:

A)I do have important work to do, and my time is valuable. I used to think that I should attend every little thing and thoroughly read all papers before they are discussed. But my time is valuable. My sanity is valuable. My soul will inevitably be broken by prelims, so I should be choosy about my before-soul-broken time.

B)I'm not brilliant. Or at least, I don't have a snowball's chance in hell of being the most brilliant person on this campus. I should not be afraid of not knowing something. That is stupid.

I'm working on getting these two concepts hammered into my head, so that I can sleep a little better at night.

In other news, I have been handed my first packet of lab reports to grade. I'm of the opinion that my kids in my lab TA-ship are pretty smart, but damn do some of them have horrific handwriting! Grading these things makes me feel sort of funny-like. I have been entrusted with some sort of authority, and it feels good, but unnerving. Also I asked one kid in lab today if he could stop eating food in lab, please. He sipped his soup-in-a-cup and said he was just walking out of the lab with it. He still had a pepsi bottle behind his backpack. He's the same kid that I caught looking through the graded quizzes last week. I am being tested, methinks.

On a personal level, life is pretty good. Negotiating the "we're two friends dating in a close group of friends" scenario isn't very easy, but it's worth it, worth it, worth it. And frankly, I had a lovely Valentine's day that was the exact opposite of me wanting to claw my eyes out. Which is an obtuse way of saying it was exactly what I wanted.

Finally: DON MICHAEL POLLACK WHY HAVEN'T YOU POSTED RECENTLY!????!!!

Happy New Year's!

Ah, another year of the rooster.

According to the Chinese zodiac, I am a rooster. A metal rooster. This year is the wooden rooster. This has been your public service announcement.

Well friends and neighbors, we've entered the month of February, which has historically been a pretty crappy month. So far, it hasn't been crappy so much as just really really busy.

I presented at Departmental Journal Club on Friday, and that of course went well despite my freaking out about how it wouldn't. Then I spent the weekend sortof "coming down" off that adrenaline spike. The week so far has been decent, although with the V-day coming up who knows where things will go. I have a guy, so that's pretty darn good a start right there. We'll see!

Friday is coming!