I don't care if it's old!

What are Sundays For?

It's been quite the weekend, let me tell you what. There have been several nice, or at least integral flavors to savor throughout the Friday-Saturday-Sunday corner of the week.

The first is the foil-on-fillings feeling of people just plain not getting along. It's a kind of feeling you forget about when you get so busy that you never have many friends to begin with. It's a simple fact: people sometimes just don't get along with other people. But when it's people you care about, and when it's obvious enough that even I can tell . . .well it is something to dwell on. How do you fix a problem like this? Is it even possible to find ways to get a person to like someone they simply do not like?

Next is the feeling of simple, clean happiness. Of looking at someone and seeing lovely things in their face that you wanted to stare at for hours. The warmness of bedcovers, the comfort of doing nothing but play video games and fall asleep watching anime. So often, I've had to extract out the bitter confusion of starting life over after the big ending. Do you know how annoying it is to find yourself being happy again, and then watching your brain ruin it with paranoid or obsessive thoughts? That's what I've been fighting here. This weekend I was much more victorious. Now I'm just frustrated that I've had such a wonderful weekend but not really interacted with it as much as I would've liked. I haven't EXPRESSED my gratitude and happiness for it.

This is all WAY too abstract for a weblog. But I stick by my standards of only writing what I'd want anyone in the world to read, and so certain activities, experiences, and sentiments are never going to appear here.

So really, what I want to share about this weekend is that it was happy. I went to the farmer's market and bought myself honey straws. I spent two whole evenings away from home completely. I bought three beautiful paintings at St. Vinny's for twelve dollars total--two are sillouhettes of palm trees on sunsets, and the other is a pacific coast with a wave crashing down. I do miss the ocean sometimes. It was a nice weekend.

On a completely different note: I wanted to share some photos of my highschool pal Jonah, taken by one of his fellow photographers. They were just too lovely not to share! I really wish I would've gotten into photography as a hobby. There's still time I guess. I just love the way it can capture people. Sorry ladies, Jonah is taken.

An excersize in "too many months early, but still"

Don't you have something you like to think about when you get bored or bummed or in general when your mind drifts? Right now, I'm thinking about how nice it will be, in August, to have my own room. I mean, there are alot of general, practical reasons for me to have my own room. Mainly so Dave can get a decent night's sleep again without me wandering in at 1AM being the exact opposite of quiet (even if I'm TRYING to be stealthy). So really, I'm going to be doing Dave a tremendous favor by moving out.

What will also be awesome will be getting to put up all my lame and nerdy posters again. I'm definitely putting the Buffy Poster back up, and I also have my eye on a Johnny Depp poster as well (see, I'll admit it). But I swear there will be no life-size cardboard cutouts of Legolas. I swear in general, but here I'm serious. Seriously.

I'll also have my lovely queen size bed, which my parents gave to me. It's a lovely dark wood, with little pinecone finishes on the posts. My mom tells me that Dad rescued it from being thrown out, and that he took a terribly long amount of time and care to sand off the paint and refinish and stain it. I have no idea how old it really is, but it creaks horribly. However, it was the most wonderful moving-out-on-your-own present from mom and dad. I can't count how many times in the winter, in the afternooon, I'd hide under the the down comforter of that bed and fall asleep. And when I got it from Wheeling to Madison, and slept in it for the first time after all those years of dorm room extra long twin mattresses. . . . it was just heaven.

I've been trying to think of a theme for my room, and it's somewhere in the range of Thai Pavillion to Moroccan Love Den. I'd really love to put a canopy/mosquito net like covering over the bed, but I don't even begin to know how I'd make that happen. Ehhhh, it will probably just end up being cozy and geeky, and that will be quite enough for me.

Not at all the dream I wanted to have!

I had a dream last night that my cat Snow needed me to cut through her head to relieve some sort of sinus pressure. I was slicing through her skull (saggital section) so that it was being cut in half along the plane between her eyes. But I got caught up in it and sliced all the way through. In my dream I killed my cat, and then I realized that she'd died on Christmas Day in 2003.

I also dreamt I floated across the Ohio River to a zoo where there was a giant octopus and a Red Raptor Breeding Program. I awoke before any mayhem could occur.

So this weekend, I watched Kill Bill, Kill Bill Vol. 2, and Confessions of a Dangerous Mind. So there's been alot of "killers for hire" theme running through my head. \I wanted to launch onto a discussion of this topic, but really, I don't have anything novel to say about it. The most fun thought during that inner tirade was this:

How can you owe yourself anything, when to owe implies that you possess something that you should give to yourself. It's interesting how you can divide yourself into parts. Parts to control and owe, and parts that dole out rewards and necessities. I spoil myself alot. Work is never a main priority. Life is. And I don't mean that is some sort of "I'm a student of life, oh-so-enlightened" way. I'm just saying that work doesn't make me feel good about myself. I mean, I feel good when I do a good job, but I don't think I'll ever be like some of the other students, burning midnight oil forever and ever to get work done. I'm really nervous about keeping my sanity--it seems so tenuously attached.

My best memory of this weekend was walking up State Street with Ben, talking to my Mom on the cell phone, like I had promised her I would. She had suspected for a long time that things between Dave and I were closing up. "Someone once told me, Amber, that ending a relationship is a series of closing of doors" she would say. I think that's a correct, in this case. It is ALWAYS good to talk with her, and the weather was so beautiful--almost too wet and hot, but with a persistant wind. Everyone in Madison is so visibly happy; it is wonderful to be out walking amid so many smiling people.

Another week, no?

I love me my Rumi!!

A thirsty man calls out, 'Delicious water,
where are you?' while the water moans,
'Where is the water drinker?'

The thirst in our souls is the attraction
put out by the Water itself.

We belong to It,
and It to us.

God's wisdom made us lovers of one another.
In fact, all the particles of the world
are in love and looking for lovers.
--Rumi

Eehhhh, don't have much to say right now. Kindof sleepy. But it was a NICE day. Any day that hits 80 in April is a good one.

Who will you be stuck with at end of time? (sorry, no more pics) by chi_a_baidh
Your name is
Your sex is	MaleFemaleUndecided
Your favorite color is	RedOrangeYellowGreenBluePurpleBlackWhiteOther
You are stuck there because	everyone else died due to the wrath of God
For _____ years	58
With	Jackie Chan
He/She will think you are	beautiful
You will	slap them across the face
Created with quill18's MemeGen 3.0!

Yay!!! Jackie Chan is cool enough. I mean, I don't get to be with Alice and Johnny Depp, but hey. . .that's life.

The big news for today is that I finally told my parents the engagement is over. I know, I waited a long time. I wanted them to have happy holidays, and I wanted to be centered enough so that I can cope with whatever their reactions will be. Screw the past: I'm just happy I told them.

In OTHER OTHER news: I am beginning to believe my apartment is haunted.

I woke up in the middle of the night again, and had the feeling that someone was in the room with Dave and I. I saw someone standing in the doorway to the bathroom, but when I put on my glasses, it turned into the shoe rack I had just placed on the door that night. I'm just not digging the weird, repeated experience where I wake up and think that either:

A)Someone other than Dave is sharing a bed with me
B)Someone else is in the room

It's just weird. Me no likey.

Epic Weekend. Small Post.

I'm kindof dissapointed in myself for not recording more of what has happened over the weekend. Really, though, Friday was a one of those days so crammed full of experiences that you can hardly believe most of the things actually happened. Actually, I tried to sit down earlier today and recount how Friday played out, but I ended up getting bored with it. And if I find it boring, it's pretty darn likely you'll all zone out even earlier than right now. Besides, I'm still on the epic quest to get some good sleep. Lord knows the weekend wasn't going to hold much of it (NOT complaining).

I believe one of my millions of horoscopes for the weekend said to remain open to the possibility of meeting new people--and certainly this ended up being a good weekend to try that sort of thing out. I went to at least 3 events where I met new people, and still managed to hang out with my own crew of micro students. I also supported the great cause of gay marriage rights by attending a benefit concert. I heard wonderously good live music, especially from If Then Else. I danced and danced and danced some more too!

My friday, after the usual dinner-with-friends, roamed about Madison with the incomparable Ben. It must be said that it is through him I have experienced nights that lasted till 3AM. Late-night stumbles back from the capitol back to the dorms with all sorts of interesting people wandering state street. The people I have met recently are so terribly cool in comparison to me, I feel like. But it just puts me in a state of some awe. Sitting in a beaten up couch on the 3rd floor attic of someone's house, watching people leap happily to music or take nice soothing drags of substances I haven't smelled since junior high. . . .all I could keep thinking was wonderlandwonderlandwonderland.

I'll be the first to admit that I'm a huge stranger to any sort of night life that didn't involve staying indoors with five people or less. In Wheeling, and in Hiram, it was a rare thing for a large group of young people to get together for ANYTHING. So when I get to go to clubs or to dance parties, part of me just wants to sit in a corner and smile happily, watching all these people my age enjoy eachother's company. It still excites me to no end to see people wandering around campus in large drunken numbers at 3 in the morning. So I'm in wonder still. There are people dressed like true geeks, punks, creative people. Beautiful ranges of people.

Still, deep down I sometimes feel like some alien hidden in a human body, watching everything on earth with excitement--observing--but never really feeeling a part of anything or anyone. When I get insecure, this feeling gets worse. I'll sit and stare off into nothing and wonder where I am, and who I am. These are questions I never felt like I had to ask myself before now. Isn't that funny? I mean, these are big questions you think I would've gotten around to asking myself some time in the last 22 years. But no. So now, sometimes I feel lost. I don't know where my life is going, but I'm still continually amazed by it.

Wow, this has really been an abstract post. I'm sorry I have nothing specific to report. Alot of me drinking and dancing, and that's better witnessed than recounted.

Get up you're asleep at the wheel!
Get up you're asleep at the wheel!
Get up you're asleep at the wheel!
--Bloodhound Gang

For all the right reasons, and with the best of intentions, I haven't been getting enough sleep this week. I know some people can handle 5 hours a night, but I really cannot. I need at least 7-8. And when I repeatedly get less than that, I start to degrade like so much protein left on the benchtop. I start having weepy episodes late at night because I'm tired. You know, we all used to do that when we were 3 and needed a nap. It always takes me by suprise when I act that way now. But once, my dear Alice pointed out that often the evening depressive spells are because she just gets tired. And she is very right!

So tonight, in like five minutes, I'm going to put on my pajamas, do the nightly tooth brushing and face washing ritual, and go to bed. I'll get 7 hours of sleep. Wake up, debate on forking out about 7 bucks for the day and driving in, or riding the bus and not having transportation when the partying starts in the evening. I'm probably going to drive, since I bought 3 NEW CD's whilst at 1/2 price books and Frugal Muse that I'll want to listen to. My new baby additions are:

1. "Stereotype A" by Cibo Matto (ahhh, the lovely ex-Japanese duo I discovered on Jet Set Radio Future! Dreamy and food-oriented)
2. "One Fierce Beercoaster" by Bloodhound Gang (an awesome CD, reminds me of when I used to borrow it from Sam. Fantastic beat and narsty lyrics)
3. "Visual Audio Sensory Theatre" by VAST (One song they actually played on Angel. But really I like it because it makes me feel like I'm waking up in a refurbished loft apartment in the warehouse district. The sun has just gone down and I've been wearing the same clothes for three days. Waay too much metal jewelry that has left pinks imprints on my face. I exit via a window, sliding down the fire escape to my sweet motorcycle, and I zoom off into a night filled with neon lights reflected in oily street puddles. It's this genre that I can just barely taste and even less nearly describe. Leaning towards gothic punk where I can smell the subway stations)

Sadly, none of these CD's are new to me. 1 and 3 I found at the radio station, and had listened to during many a long afternoon of work there. 2 was a borrowed selection from the venerable Sam Ford. Who I still miss. WHERE ARE YOU!!?? Eh, that's what happens to friends sometimes.

Wish me luck in dreamland!

Alot out of Me

Well, I am confronted again with the eternal problem of needing to go to sleep, but wanting to reflect on my day and feel like I have talked with you all. Ok, at least fifteen minutes is acceptable. . . .

Today has been a good day, although it's been less than satisfying. I slept in--having stumbled in last night at 2AM (giddily). I woke up in a panic, realizing I hadn't scheduled my microscopy lab for the week, and it was possibly I had been slated for Tuesday. But thankfully, I was not--fear woke me up, and coffee kept me that way.

COULD IT BE ANY MORE GORGEOUS OUTSIDE? It was nigh' 70 degrees out, and bright shining when I finally made my way to the bus stop. On the number 50 bus, I settled in to reading my Cowboy Wally comic book, loaned to me by the lovely Ben. The bus grumbled on, and at some point I heard a voice behind me ask "What are you readin, stranger?" --a subsequent moment of panic while I tried to match the voice to hopefully someone I knew. Turned out it was Jeremy of the Longhair (from Sharon's Lab). It's always so unexpected to run into someone else you know on the bus! Yay for non-strangers!

I got on campus, ate lunch, and prepared for a call from Ned at 2PM. Originally, I had planned to spend the day being very productive and making some amino acid solutions. Unfortunately, by the time I got around to working on them later in the evening, I realized I didn't have all the equipment ,reagents, and sanity I would need. Sarah helped me out and kept me company while I swore at the flask containing Leucine that wouldn't go into solution. I left feeling like I didn't accomplish near as much as I wanted to, and that likely I'd wander in Wednesday morning and find out all my problems were solvable in five minutes, if only I had asked about them earlier.

Well, I wanted to talk a little bit about Life, and what a lovely evening Monday was, but now I'm damn sleepy, and I don't want to mess it up. Ok, goodnight.. . zzzz

Full Moon Monday

Well, it's been a weekend filled with goodies--alot of them really. Friday night was the typical great combination of sitting on the Terrace, getting delicious dinner with friends, and boogie-oogie-oogie-ing down at the Cardinal. My favorite friday night moment was dancing to "99 Red Baloons" on the topmost platform, with my hands barely touching the ceiling and feeling like I was above all the cares of the world. It was pretty darn magical.

Saturday, I grabbed a shower and then went out shopping with Sharon and Sarah. We went to a local arts fair, and frolicked joyously about the main St. Vincent Depaul store on the east side. We took turns bringing hideous vintage outfits to one another, but we also found some great deals for eachother. I was very excited to find a WVU mug, among other things. I drove us all out to the West Towne Mall so that I could get a REAL ACTUAL CELLPHONE. I trotted away with a really sexy new phone with scary voice recognition software--ACTIVATE!

Back at Sarah's house, both Sharon and Sarah gleefully put together dinner for us (myself, Ben, Andy, and Eric). I loved listening to the two of them banter back and forth in the kitchen, sharing all their expertise. They've got the mad cooking skills. Same with Andy and Eric: I like to listen to them consult one another on electrical wiring and other projects around Sarah's house. These are my friends!! Delicious risotto as well as spinach salad, and poundcake with sherbet for dessert! Then I was stolen away for a dance party over on the eastern side of campus.

A dance party? The closest thing to a dance party we ever had in Hiram was the infamous Bowler Hall "Stupid Party" which wasn't really that exciting. That was one dorm room with only a handful of people. Although this dance party in Madison started out small with me being the only girl and dancing replaced with watching The Big Lebowski, it soon picked up as more and more people arrived. It was an interesting event, to be sure. Ben's friend Conner helped to point out some of the guests, who ranged from theatre to student government to newspaper to, well, random grad students such as myself. I met alot of new people, although I only remember a handful of names--it was exciting to meet so many interesting people in one night. Eventually Ben and I wandered out of there, down the suprisingly loud 2AM saturday night streets of Madison.

This sunday was a bit quieter. Met up with Sarah, Sharon, Eric, and Andy (I brought me Ben) for a matinee viewing of Hellboy. Although my socks were never really knocked off anywhere in particular, I feel it's really worth the money to go see it. The special effects are good, the writing is witty though not Joss Whedon level witty. I kindof wish I had read the comics to see just how well it does it justice, but it was fun. Even had tentacle monsters. After dinner, spent the evening napping in a dorm room (another thing I had originally thought I'd never witness again). Then Ben re-taught me how to play Magic before reuniting with Roger (who had been gone to Kentucky for the weekend) at Perkins. So yes, a descent into geekiness is ocurring. But he's patient with my re-learning of the game, so it's actually pretty enjoyable.

So, the inevitable question is: what does this week hold for Amber, and the world at large? Frankly, I cannot tell. This monday marks another full moon, which is always interesting, and sometimes meditative. I've got a fair amount of things to reflect on from this past week, so I'll be busy. Now I must sleep, and hopefully not sleepwalk.

GET THEM OFF ME!!!

I woke up and there were spiders crawling all over the walls. Big, black, spindly-legged fat-bodied spiders. I freaked out, and from beside me I heard Dave mumble "It's ok. It's ok."

And then I stared hard at the walls and the spiders were gone. The walls had gone back to being clean and neutral. No spiders. I went back to sleep.

After a long but relatively productive day, I came home and apologized to Dave for likely badly startling him. I was expecting a laugh, or some sort of teasing for the strange event, but instead he shrugged and told me I'd been doing stuff like that for almost a full week now. Apparently, I've been getting up in the middle of the night, stealing all the covers, and walking around the room in the dark, then getting back into bed. Now, Dave is a horrifically light sleeper, so this undoubtedly has had a very negative effect on whatever friendship we have left. I apologized again, and he shrugged again:

"It's ok. I figure you must just have alot on your mind."

It's definitely the truth, whether I'm aware of it or not. I'm starting to have work in lab, so my brain has gone to gear-cranking on that. I've had bills to pay and cards to send. Also, I've been wrestling with the whole issue of dating again, and obviously that's weighing heavily on me. I think it's time. It's rewarding. But it also forces me to think about things I'd otherwise ignore. Like what I really should look for in a guy. Or wrestling with the "who do other people think I should date" vs "who do I want to date" issue. How do I juggle having a guy and having friends? Where do we go once the hormones wear off? How serious to I want to get here? BLARGH!!!

I'm mainly trying to live everything from day to day, both life and love. I'm happy with where life has me right now, even if the future is boiling over with unknowns.

As a side note:
you should all try this choose-your-own-adventure game--Brad The Game