I am really horrible at self-restraint when it comes to treating myself. Usually, this is a good, confident thing. Like: hey, I've worked my ass off all through my prior education; I deserve a day off. I had a crappy sunday, so I indulged in the following:

1. Purchasing of a handsfree setup for my cell
2. Hour-long soaking bath while reading Elle followed up by the hottest of showers
3. A full afternoon of AIM-ing people

Frankly, I pride myself on not being one of those people who continually sacrifice themselves expecting others to see it and validate them. I've watched mom do it for years. Compassion and compromise are good, but putting everyone else's needs first isn't realistic or healthy.

But the thing is, when it comes to indulging, sometimes it feels growling and nearly uncontrollable. And very clearly you hear the logical portion of your brain explain all the reasons for not doing something or taking something--for not drinking so much or staying up so late. But sometimes I just ache to give in, especially when I'm tired. I have a really loud Id; not just for food or boys or clothes or leisure. . . but between those four I sure do wear myself out with trying to negotiate it.

Overall, Monday was kindof lousy. Not enough squid hatched and the scintillation counter got stuck, so I can't do hard research for a couple more days, and I have lab meeting on Thursday--which means sitting down and saying "hey, I don't have much data. Can I brainstorm a bit with you guys?" (aka, I wish I was more productive by now, and I have to admit I haven't been). I know that I'm learning, and finally reaching a point where I'm making real progress--it is simply excruciating to have to experience the learning curve. Having to swallow my pride of years of getting A's easily to actually work and accept that I'm going to make so many mistakes before I actually get things to work. It's hard. And I like treats.

Possibly not interesting dream interp

I had one of those dreams last night. The kind that you wake up remembering so strongly that you feel like maybe you were supposed to get something out of it. There were a couple scenes:

1. I was at a science conference, and I had forgotten to attend a workshop all weekend and now I didn't have a project done and everyone else did (typical stress dream).

2. I was wearing some guy's boxers over my own undergarments, but underneath my clothes. I dreamt I was making out with that guy (STOP GIGGLING!) and I reached around to the small of his back, and there was a patch of his skin that was all flaky. I was pulling off pieces of skin, and so I had to draw my hand away.

3. It was a nice summer night, and I was angry at someone. So I went outside with a blanket and slept on mattress on the side of the road in downtown Madison. I was worried about being safe, but I felt I had to stick it out and show how brave I was. I woke up in the dream and couldn't remember what I had done with my clothes, but then I found them and walked home, only to realize I'd left my shoes by the mattress and needed to walk all the way back to get them.

All of these things were pretty memorable in the morning. And I have my own ideas for what each of them mean, but why bore you with even more details? The worst was that part of the dream I had a boy that really liked me and I felt loved and giggly and secretive. Those sorts of dreams are so enjoyable, but waking up and realizing that's all it was. . .ehhh, makes you want to sleep in, no?

Away from Home on Turkey Day

Ladies and gentlemen, there are several topics I wish to cover before I go to bed, and so I will outline them now:

I. On turkeys and cooking away from home
II. There is no kid's table here
III. Holidays are awesome and yet depressing

On turkeys and cooking away from home
First off, Sharon and I had a great time getting together our portions of our thanksgiving dinner in Madison. Like life, there are so many things about preparing the t-day dinner that your parents never told you, and suddenly you are supposed to know how to do. Like, say, cooking a turkey. Seems simple enough, but there are all these little tricks and secrets about how to stuff it, how to keep it juicy, how to pray to the turkey gods it doesn't catch on fire or never thaw.

I called mom during our preparations in the early afternoon with some turkey questions and managed to talk to all of my family. It was really nice, but bittersweet, because I could remember all the years I'd been there, all the times I'd taken dad's liver patte preparation for granted, and suddenly I needed to ask for that help. I missed them and wished I could be both at home and still here all at once.

There is no kid's table here
Sharon and I ended up having four people over for dinner--a party of six, which was really ideal for our apartment. There were no relatives or kids of any kind, just six 20-somethings working like champs to get the table set and all those t-day staples cooked. We took pictures of the full spread, and just relaxed and ate together and laughed and drank maybe too much wine. We were all so full after a most delicious dinner that we took a walk to Sarah's and visited her cats, and then came back for delicious pie. There is something to be said for spending a holiday with friends. It was very stress free, and everyone pitched in to clean and such. A very responsible and fun turkey day.

Holidays are awesome and yet depressing
Oh man, this portion could go on forever if I let it, so I'm going to try not to get out of hand here. . .

I love the holidays. I love buying and getting gifts. I love all the cooking and preparation. I love getting to see my extended family and little cousins and my highschool friends and watching silly holiday specials. The holidays are a chance to take stock of your life and be thankful for all your life has to offer you.

That said, it's really that "take stock of things" portion of the holidays that make me sometimes just want to curl up and die a little. Please do not get me wrong: there is alot that I look forward to this coming holiday season. I have a great job/career track, I have so many wonderful friends here. I love Madison--so full of things to do and genuinely decent people.

But heck, you know where the hang-up I have is. As a decent-looking, relatively pleasant girl the single world is my veritable oyster, yes? So many boys and parties in the future! That's pretty ok by me for the most part, but the holidays sometimes make me wish I was settled. This certainly doesn't make me unique--as far as I can tell, being single during the holidays can be a very cold sort of hell.

But last christmas was so hard. I remember at one point wandering through Walmart, with all the christmas carols droning on and on, and just crying every other aisle, because things were really going badly for me and Dave and I was beginning to really know it. I think mainly I'm not scared of being single, but (at this time of year) so mindful of the nice secure things I had with Dave.


Ehhhh, I will certainly be alright. I really did have a wonderful day, and it was well spent with wonderful friends. I am so lucky to have them. And lucky to have such a wonderful family. I am lucky to have known so many wonderful people and loved more than one genuinely grand guy. So thanks to whoever made that possible. It's pretty awesome.

Another edition of Alice-copying!

I can't help it, she finds the best quiz-like introspective things, and this one was just easy enough to win me over:

THREE THINGS I AM WEARING RIGHT NOW
1. Old Navy jeans that are too big
2. copper-studded double-belt that is also too big, but I rigged it to be smaller
3. "Amber Romance" perfume

THREE THINGS YOU HAVE BOUGHT RECENTLY
1. Coffee
2. MST3k: Cave Dwellers (rented)
3. Northern Exposure Mint Ice Cream

THREE THINGS ON MY DESK
1. Picture of my dad playing the Penny Whistle
2. 3 seperate post-it note stacks
3. A tube of special sand from the Dominican Republic

THREE THINGS I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT
1. Sleep, oh god yes, sleep
2. "Family and Friends"
3. Treats

THREE THINGS I WANNA DO BEFORE I DIE
1. See the deep ocean in a sub!
2. Get my PhD and be thoroughly independent
3. Find, experience, and keep True Love

THREE GOOD WAYS TO DESCRIBE MY PERSONALITY
1. I always give everyone way to much credit
2. I think *most* rules are there for a good reason
3. I love to indulge

THREE PARTS OF MY HERITAGE
1. Ukranian
2. Dairy Farming
3. Pioneers!

THREE THINGS I LIKE ABOUT MY BODY
1. My cheekbones--great with stage makeup!
2. My hair
3. My eyes--green sometimes and wideset, makes me feel special everytime I need to adjust the microscope objectives to fit the spacing.

THREE THINGS I DON'T LIKE ABOUT MY BODY
1. I got the pale, dry skin that probably isn't going to age well . . .
2. My belly
3. My back keeps cracking, and that doesn't feel very good.

THREE THINGS MOST PEOPLE DON'T KNOW ABOUT ME
1. It takes me awhile to really trust a girl.
2. I am allergic to Amoxicillin
3. I thoroughly enjoy all the things that folks don't know about me

THREE THINGS I SAY THE MOST
1. That's totally understandable
2. I'm sorry!
3. Beefs!

THREE PLACES I WANNA GO
1. Disney's Wild Animal Kingdom
2. The Caribbean
3. Greece

THREE NAMES I GO BY
1. Amber
2. Miss Amber
3. Newt

THREE SCREENNAMES I'VE HAD
1. Red M&M
2. Auryn31
3. ForeverNewt

THREE THINGS I WISH I NEVER DID
1. Date that one jerk drummer from youth orchestra
2. Worry so much about doing something right that I don't do it at all
3. Listen to myself too much and not enough to others

THREE REASONS I TOOK THIS SURVEY
1. I like introspection
2. I like Alice!
3. I'm waiting for squid to hatch, seriously.

The benefits of getting up too early on a Sunday

I woke up this Sunday morning at 8:30AM. This may not seem odd, but trust me, I am a champion sleep-in'er. I also had been up till 1:30AM last night, necessarily drunk--because I have taken a personal vow to never ever EVER sing Kareoke unless drunk. And I am a woman of honor, and cannot break this vow. I helped sing "Yellow Submarine" and "Country Roads" (duh, I'm from West Virginia), and led "Black Water"--although the key was totally different and that messed me up.

But hey, I drank lots of water, took 2 aspirin, and slept the night away. I woke up early in the name of science: I've been running some preliminary squid experiments over the weekend, and needed to take my squid out of the machine I had them in. It was good that I did this practice run, because certainly alot of things went wrong, and next time I will do alot better. Finally, I'm making progress towards some actual science research.

May I extoll the virtues of driving in a college town early on a Sunday? Barely anyone around, anywhere. However, that meant I had to work that much harder to go the speed limit. Driving around Madison to lab and back home again was lovely. Just very lovely.

I also made the best omellete I have ever made in my entire life. Why today, I do not know. But it was pretty magical: it slipped right off the pan, completely free of burns. Complete with sauteed onions and mushrooms.

So, here we go: Thanksgiving is coming and it will be the first one I have spent away from home. It's clear already mom is sad about it, and I am too sometimes. But I am enjoying how the town quiets down, and how empty the lab is. Sharon and I will be hosting a Thanksgiving dinner, so it will still be grand!

The Squid Stays in the Picture!

You know, I think really our lab often rides the press-coattails of the McFall-Ngai lab. Everyone loves a cute lil' squid, including Dave Barry. So in some ways, we here in the Ruby lab become all the more famous!

Very foggy and warm, eh?

First off, I wanted to announce that essayist Stephen Jay Gould is so awesome I want to hug him. At least, his essays are. I highly recommend them. Anyone who can write an essay called "The Four Antelope of the Apocolypse" is pretty cool, for one thing.

This week seems underlying-ly stressful. I mean, I haven't had much to actually do, but I feel the looming grumbling in the deep trenches of my tummy. I also haven't in general been feeling especially well. Maybe it's coming down from my five-coffee Friday (due to ASM) or toxins released into my bloodstream from that lovely, lovely massage. Or maybe it's just getting near the holidays and I'm not going home and I'm out of money already. These are not insurmountable problems, but they are the problems I face right now.

Not to get freaking Caroline-in-the-city-Bridgette-Jones on you, but I kindof want to try to remember how long I've remained single in between relationships. I know that ever since boy one it hasn't been too long. I think maybe for the first time, in maybe as long as I can remember, I'm just living life and not as a boy-addict. Do I think about boys? Absolutely. Maybe just half as much. I think it's mostly because I'm busier and have more friends and ways to spend my time now than I did in highschool and college.

I am nauseated by how cliched this probably all sounds, and also that likely this isn't very inspiring or intriguing. I'm wondering what it would be like to maneuver a holiday season as single. I haven't done that for likely 5-6 years. The holidays can be a really lame time to be single or unhappy, depending on what holiday parties you attend. But maybe that's life in general, just with really repetitive songs.

Very foggy and warm, eh?

First off, I wanted to announce that essayist Stephen Jay Gould is so awesome I want to hug him. At least, his essays are. I highly recommend them. Anyone who can write an essay called "The Four Antelope of the Apocolypse" is pretty cool, for one thing.

This week seems underlying-ly stressful. I mean, I haven't had much to actually do, but I feel the looming grumbling in the deep trenches of my tummy. I also haven't in general been feeling especially well. Maybe it's coming down from my five-coffee Friday (due to ASM) or toxins released into my bloodstream from that lovely, lovely massage. Or maybe it's just getting near the holidays and I'm not going home and I'm out of money already. These are not insurmountable problems, but they are the problems I face right now.

Not to get freaking Caroline-in-the-city-Bridgette-Jones on you, but I kindof want to try to remember how long I've remained single in between relationships. I know that ever since boy one it hasn't been too long. I think maybe for the first time, in maybe as long as I can remember, I'm just living life and not as a boy-addict. Do I think about boys? Absolutely. Maybe just half as much. I think it's mostly because I'm busier and have more friends and ways to spend my time now than I did in highschool and college. Not to mislead you though, because man, I still think about boys waaaay too much, at least, I should cut back when trying to focus on science.

I am nauseated by how cliched this probably all sounds, and also that likely this isn't very inspiring or intriguing. I'm wondering what it would be like to maneuver a holiday season as single. I haven't done that for likely 5-6 years. The holidays can be a really lame time to be single or unhappy, depending on what holiday parties you attend. But maybe that's life in general, just with really repetitive songs.

Living life requires alot of deep breathing

Admittedly, that's something I'm usually really crappy at. Sometimes--especially when I'm sitting around doing not much--I worry that I never breathe all that deeply. But then that usually makes me do it at least once, so maybe it's not so bad.

This weekend has required a margin of deep breathing, for sure. For one thing, that darn ASM conference nearly wiped me out for the whole weekend. Along that vein, hearing about everyone's great and interesting results made me slightly panic, because I have very little if any data of my own, and how many months has it been? I am trying to overcome my lack of strong experience with anything but cloning. I have so much to learn, it's making it hard to get any worthwile science done. But really, the worst thing that happens is that I don't have an abstract to submit for ASM, and Ned is dissapointed in me. Ok, that would be pretty devastating, but I'm trying to channel this fear and hyperventilation into getting an experiment working this week, and getting up the nerve to ask for help in making some mutants.

In other news, I had to take several VERY deep breaths to finally be able to tell Dave that I wish him the best in finding a nice girl to settle down with. I will not lie to you, saying that to him made my stomach all squelchy and panicky, but I did mean it. It just requires alot of deep, deep breaths--it has taken me nearly a year to get to this point, and I'm really proud of myself. I may feel mild dread, but I can rise above that.

On the bright side of things, I got a full swedish body massage today--all in the name of homework! One of my friend's friends--whom I also consider a friend--is learning to become a masseuse (spelling!?) and needs to log in a certain number of hours for her program. Although I don't think I could ever justify the expense of getting regular massages, I must say it was so wonderful and needed. I left with a legitimate glow about me, I think. It is a good way to start off a new week.

Have a lovely week everyone!

And lo, the weekend that was not a weekend appeared . . .

I spent nearly my entire Friday at the local branch ASM (American Society for Microbiology) conference from 8:30AM to 9:30PM, and then once again this saturday from 9AM to Noon. I heard some really wonderful talks, and got alot of cool, scientific ideas. Futhermore, I was happy with myself for being able to pay attention a little bit more than last year--that margin of focus is due I think to getting a little less confused with microbiology. What was really nice, I think, was getting to spend a little time with Sarah and Andy--at least I had someone to write notes to when the talks were not so good.

Unfortuantely, I am pretty freaking tired. I've tried increasing my coffee dosage to combat this, but now I feel pretty burned out. But it's ok, because I'll just make tomorrow as sleep-in and fun as possible.

I've been trying to play Silent Hill 4: The Room, but I find it maybe too scary. SO it's actually really an awesome game, but I keep thinking it's going to prevent me from going down into the basement to do my laundry because I'll be too scared--and I have trouble doing laundry as it is.

Inspiration, Codename Alice

Oh my, once again dear Alice's entry makes me want to write one similar to it. Today, I was captivated by Alice's release of her dream job ideas for the last couple of months. I realized I haven't really thought about that since perhaps highschool. So I thought, heck, why not take five minutes and see what comes to mind?

1. If this were the grand future, it would be ship scientist or ship captain. Off with a team of cool but down-to-earth people out in space, investigating the unknown. YES, the metaphorical nature of this, comparing it to working in a lab is a bit heavy handed, but whatever.

2. Journalist on one of the long-term research vessels of an Oceanographic Institute. Go from port-to-port, spend my time with all levels and kinds of people. Quiet moments alone at sea, elements of danger and discovery. . .

Crap, I should go catch my bus. I'd love to have a job that requires working with people, travel, mediation, and geekiness. And really the ocean would be awesome.

P.S. Halo 2 is pretty awesome, although not more awesome than the original

Wrong Shui Rocks My World

It really does. If you ever need a great gift for someone, that book is it. For instance:

Master Eu say: "If you only get out of life what you put into it, why not just keep it for yourself and save the extra time and energy?"

Also, there was something about Master Eu scraping the mold off the scotch egg he was mentoring. . . Anyway, it inspired me to put together a collection of portents that may be profound and define my future. Maybe.

1) I have I think a minimum of four paintings showing waves crashing on the beach, and none of them are hung up. Furthermore, I have recently aquired old photographs of me that I haven't framed yet.

2) Halo-fucking-2 is emerging at midnight, and The Ring 2 is coming soon.

3) I nearly ran over a really pissed off girl today on University Avenue, because I was looking to the left (University avenue at 5PM is freaking insane and I needed a window to speed out into oncoming traffic) and she decided to cross in front of me from the right. Also, the Great Lakes Driving School Instructor used my car as part of a lesson on parallel parking.

4) A police officer offered to handcuff my roommate to a post at the Farmer's Market. A piece of popcorn thrown at my face landed inside my shirt.

What does it all mean!?

Monday again? wha-what?

I know, people are always saying that the days go by faster and faster as you get older. . . but damn, this weekend went by so very very fast. Really, the days in general are so blurry. I don't spend much time at home at all, so maybe that's part of it.

The astrology site is spouting something or other about Saturn retrograding from now until March and all the big, dramatic things that is likely to cause. I'm not entirely convinced they are wrong. Sure, we make our own drama--but there seems to continually be more than enough going around. But I guess if I've made it this far, I can likely keep going and survive, so oh well . . .

I think maybe the highlight of my weekend was doing the corn maze out in Lodi, WI this weekend. It was grand for three reasons:

1. It got me (and Chris too) out into the country, and while I think both of us enjoy the city of Madison, it feels so undeniably good to get out in farmland again. It was warm, quiet, and starry. There is something just so very calming and cleansing about being out there.

2. We had a team of four in our group, attempting to find all the hidden locations in the corn maze. We enjoyed the quiet, and methodically went through the whole thing and found all 8 locations. Therefore we are awesome, and got a bag of popcorn each as a prize.

3. Indeed, there are mystical healing properties you benefit from when working through a maize on a quiet fall night with good friends. It was just so good on the most base of levels.

So another week approaches. . . I'm not typically a praying girl, but I think maybe I'd like to ask for some measure of wisdom and determination to keep me going with friends and happiness intact. As we move downward into the final weeks of the semester (don't deny they will be here shortly) Things can only get more interesting.

Workin' for the weekend

Alright, alright, I'm taking down the Amber-is-depressed alert from plaid to pink with little frilly fringes. I'm feeling a bit better, although I've got an exam today . . . and it's RAINY AND COLD.

Dreams for the last two nights have included zombies and a little girl dressed up like a liquor bottle from a hotel minibar. yay?

Starting in on a Shadowrun campaign as well, and it looks promising. Amber likes her cyberpunk.

Ok, off to study and drink coffee

Here I go again

Requisite depressive spell. Worst in the morning and at night--times when it's dark and I get to be reminded that I need to spend them alone. I'm not meaning to be all self-pitying, but that's where I am, and just need to type it for awhile.

I need to somehow make myself just be single for awhile. Having to list all the reasons I had to break up, it was pretty clear to me that I balk at long-term commitment. I'm happy to be with someone who likes having me around, but the minute they start looking like they are making plans--like I always want to to--I freak out and realize I need out before I spend more years of my life trying to talk myself out of being a jerk. I mean, my reasons were more than that, but it kept coming up. I don't think it is wrong of me to want to have someone who loves and cares about me, but it's not right for me to be untrusting enough to reciprocate those things. Few people deserve that sort of treatment.

Monday night, I cried for a long time on Sharon's shoulder, with the tired mantra of "I'm so tired. I just want to be better. It's too much. I don't want to deal with it any more." And yeah, it's my own fault for continually wanting to be with someone rather than be all by myself. I hate this part so much. More than that, I hate hurting Ben, and I hate knowing that I need to get out but at the same time wishing I could be that person that stays.

But hey, I'll get better. This is just the time that has to suck. Another set of happy endings has to be put on a shelf, and I enter another span of time where I fight this choking fear of being set up for a life of boy-islands with no final place I'm ever going to be happy living. That's what I'm scared of. Not that I'll be alone because I can't find anyone, but because I haven't found a way to be happy--and in the process I embitter a line of beautiful, intriguing guys who just wanted to spend time with me. That scares me. Depresses me.

That, and this fucking election. . .

Sometimes, a conscience is the last thing you want

I don't know how many tomes of poems and discourses exist on the topic of the human conscience. But I'm pretty sure they get around, at some point or another, to covering what I wish I could convey well, and that is that caring about other people can lead to hurting them, and subsequently hurting you--and what a conundrum that is. Me saying anything more than that would be trite.

It's been a heavy weekend and Monday. I'm really really really tired, and I feel like I've stretched myself too thin. I hope that by the next weekend, I've confronted what I've needed to confront, and mended what has needed mended. Thank you for reading my ambiguous entry.