Friday?

When the hell did that happen? Oh well . . . if you read Dave's weblog, you'd know he got a hefty amount of sleep. I got back at around 9:30PM and he was ALREADY ASLEEP. BaH. It was weird to go back to my room again, and try to keep myself occupied for 2.5 hours. Yeah, I know how silly it sounds. I'm well aware that if I spend my evenings outside of Dave and Sam's room, I somehow have alot more time and can do things like: clean my part of the room. So I cleaned like my mom with a purpose, and managed to get to bed at a decent hour (decent means midnight). I dreamt of all kinds of crazy shit, like a giant gecko-t-rex that was crashing through parts of my hometown (mainly Glen Dale) and trying to eat a Keanu Reeves look-a-like who was looking for some chick named Lorie. I also saw Kid Rock's car in my dream. I visited a Dairy/Brewery Plant, operated some equipment. . . bought some icecream. So there you go. Another night in the brain of Amber.

So what does my weekend look like? mainly more of the same from the week: read, do physics problems, go to Jiu jitsu, contemplate how close my grad school visitations are, and how soon all the crazy nostaglic anniversaries begin. BUT I am going to try to get up early tomorrow and watch some episodes of Buffy (NEW SEASON!) in the morning. It will be like Saturday Morning Cartoons only . . .. ok, not going to go into it. I also have all of my comics updating typically on the weekend (IF Keenspace doesn't flip out again). So hey, it's not so bad.

I am trying to remember to buy tickets for the IF dinner. If anyone else wants to go let me know, because it would be better to go with folks. If it's just Dave and myself we might get surrounded by weirdos! If we're lucky :)

I felt like posting but couldn't think of anything profound. . .

Yeah.

1) My physics class is horrible. I leave the lectures more confused than I would be by just reading the damn book. Alas, attendance counts. . .

2) I am now officially spending 3 fridays visiting graduate schools. Chicago Loyola wants my sweet science skills as well. I'm not psyched about them, since I have to ride in a taxi for the first time ever (IN CHICAGO) and also they haven't been extremely personable so far. But they are actually affiliated with a med school, so they are probably used to getting their way. So I'm motivated to go and be totally cool, since I've got excellent offers elsewheres. I pray I survive my journeys, and like at least one of the schools. Preferrably Uwisconsin: land of beer, cheese, and hippies?

3)Nick has totally revamped his site. I recommend looking at it. The link is, as always, on the side bar. Wait until the bubbles settle down on the screen before you click!

4)Am I the only one who thinks men's ankles are rather sexy? Probably :)

5)Unnerving story of the day: My friend/associate Nicole told us today that while she was tutoring a third grader, the child suddenly stopped and began drawing a line that looked alot like an EEG. The peaks in the line rose and fell, perfectly . . . uniformly. As he did this his eyes went blank and he began whispering "They don't know. See. They don't know. They don't know. They don't know." And when Nicole asked the obvious question "who doesn't know?" he answered:

"they don't know." and drew a little saucer with a ladderlike-beam projecting out of it.


Kinda creepy, no? I felt like I was in the beginning of an x-files episode.

well kiss me on the lips and call me suzie (ok, that's lame but my brain typed it before i could stop it). I think I got the comment thing settled, although all of these providers that don't use php seem to be a little buggy. . . .. . but so far so good! I love the internet!

Ambiguous statement of the day: I am a perfect gentlelady ;)

Jealous

I'm really jealous of everyone with their sexy blogs that allow comments. See, it would be great if blogger provided a comment option . . .then people could yell at me and I could feel justified at yelling back at them. . .because it's my page, damnit! (stomps foot). I've been sifting through some various scripts--my ability to cut and paste other people's hard work is exactly what has made half this page even possible. . . .but if anyone has an recommendations, I'll be glad to hear em'.

OH But please do note my semi-sexy dropdown menu for my archives--say goodbye to that hideous, monolithic column of dates!

Circle in the Sand

Oh dear lord, please excuse the hokey title. Want to think even less of it? Well it's actually the title of a Belinda Carlisle song that I really loved when I was little. Circle in the sand. .. round and round. . . .

Sundown all around
Walking through the summer's end
Waves crash baby, don't look back
I won't walk away again

Oh, baby, anywhere you go,
We are bound together
I begin, baby, where you end

HAH! I bet you didn't think I'd burst into song for a second entry in a row ;) I apologize, I'm getting ready to go bed and the sweet release of Extra Strength Tylenol is spreading out over my poor head. I had a horrible headache, I think a migraine, since all the lights were too bright and my eye felt like popping out of my head. BAH. I've just got songs on the brain, since last time. I find it especially cool that this song title came rather randomly out of my head, and here it is applicable to my life. Although, it's a love song, and in general a good love song applies to just about everyone.

Man, I like circles. I'm still contemplating getting my tattoo with circle and snake. It would be based on this:



although I'd want the snake a little more symmetrical. Yeah, I've been thinkin' deep. I made some progress on a story based upon the weird dream I had where I had escaped from a institution housing war refugees. It's of course very much more science fiction, and I'm trying not to borrow alot from "The Handmaid's Tale" by Margaret Atwood (a really fantastic book, btw). Thought alot about how, deep down, we're all made of four base pairs, and even deeper down we're all protons, neutrons, and electrons. . .too many science courses. . .

I wanted to get off my chest that I'm getting ready to celebrate the full circle of a strange year started in February. Man, I feel totally dumb to continually bring this up, but hey, this is what is on my mind. I've been checking my archives to get the timeline right. See, I've got to feel like I learned something: I'm always walking around thinking about how different a person I am now from a year ago. I mean, how did the Amber of January 27th feel and think? She didn't see anything coming, but is that any different from now? Actually yeah. I know now that freaking anything's possible.

And I've learned to stop clinging so damn tightly and blindly to things. I'm getting less jealous, less self-conscious. . . .I can just relax and love Dave to bits and not fret too much about it. I mean, I do sometimes, but you have to fret a bit. You've gotta confront the problems when they are small--which also means you need to recognize problems. That's alot harder than you'd think. But the point is, I can almost attain that state where my worries pass through me instead of infecting me. Very, very nice.

Caught by suprise

When you stumble onto a wonderful song, it's a beautiful thing. You can't really go searching for it. Well, you can listen to alot of songs, but usually you aren't looking for it when you find it.

I don't know how other people feel about good songs, but I know, for me, every good song is a new anthem for living, you know? There's something special about it that gets into the pores of your life, and I know that whenever I hear that song again, sometime in the future, I'll remember that part of life it stood as soundtrack to. Like, "Wish You Were Here" by Pink Floyd reminds me of my band days in junior high, running around the music room with my friends and singing. "Selfless, Cold, and Composed" by Ben Folds Five was playing the night on the car radio when I drove around with Evil Scott, and although I despise him, I love the song because it was a nice night when we sang along to the radio together. Moxy Fruvous and Blood Hound Gang. . . that's freshman year hanging out in Dave and Sam's room in Miller. "Ahead by Century" by the Tragically Hip? That's Dave playing with that band he was in early on, in Drury Hall. I got so mad because the sound wasn't too good and I could barely hear him sing. . . there's a whole slew of songs that belong in the Dave section. Then there's all of Linkin Park "Hybrid Theory", which basically I played waaay too much last spring semester. . .

Well, maybe the song I just found isn't that sweepingly great. Heck, not much interesting is going on right now, so it won't have some vivid memory attached to it, likely. But it makes me happy, and I want to hear it over and over again. So here's to you, "Cigarettes and Chocolate Milk" sung by the lovely Rufus Wainright: you've made sunday a better place.

Cigarettes and chocolate milk
These are just a couple of my cravings
Everything it seems I like's a little bit stronger
A little bit thicker, a little bit harmful for me

If I should buy jellybeans
Have to eat them all in just one sitting
Everything it seems I like's a little bit sweeter
A little bit fatter, a little bit harmful for me

And then there's those other things
Which for several reasons we won't mention
Everything about 'em is a little bit stranger, a little bit harder
A little bit deadly . . .

In Bad Taste. . .

Do people ever say something that's perfectly reasonable but it disgruntles you anyway? I'm sitting here thinking: man, that's great to know, but perhaps could you realize that maybe it's in bad taste? I understand I'm being ambiguous. I apologize, and Dave don't worry I know you're supposed to let me know when I'm being ambiguous

Sometimes I lament the fact that my journal is online. As much as I am exploring being honest and forthright this year, there are still several boundaries of impropriety I hate to cross. The first: being unecessarily sarcastic or mean. The second is letting my more vindictive side get reign over the keyboard. The third is revealing altogether too much information. So naturally there are SOME things that will just never make it onto this webpage--and if they did they'd be the moment I'm happily settled far away from the politics of Hiram.

Although maybe one of the best things about online journals is that you get to peek at the thoughts of people you know, and occasionally you might make a cameo in there. Sometimes you think you're in there but you can't be sure. It is perfect for fence-sitters like myself. But it would be rather cowardly of myself to bitch at someone while feeling safe that, while they might know who I was directing it at, they shouldn't feel offended since I MIGHT not be talking about them. So I will just do the best I can and express how frustrated I am about the whole topic, but in the morning I probably won't give a shit.

All I can say is that everyone has certain things about themselves of which they are critical. Sometimes you hold yourself up to a high, perhaps even unfair standard, and when someone else exhibits negligence of this standard, it pisses you off.

Like me, for example: It drives me NUTS when people cut line or do stupid things like stand in the middle of the utensil rack so that--despite the fact that there are several sets of forks/knives/spoons so that several people can get their utensils at once. . . we have to wait for the stupid bozo who doesn't take the time to think of other people. It pisses me off because, for some reason, having an efficient and thoughtful lunchline is important to me.

Something else that pisses me off is when people who basically don't care about anyone else's problems but their own get huge followings of compatriots. It pisses me off because I try so hard to be a good person, to be good to other people, to understand where they are coming from. I get pissed because I don't have to imagine what it's like to have a shitty friend who keeps you around if you're fashionable enough (I've had my fair share in the past). I hate people who unneccessarily break rules because I work so hard to follow them. . .
Basically, all of this getting pissed off is because, for me, I've spent 21 years trying to develop a framework of ideals and facts of life. I like to think that being kind and thoughtful will get your friends--it doesn't always, but I've been lucky. I like to think that being not an ass will win some portion of respect from my friends and peers--but I am told I should stand up for myself more often. Of COURSE, when things and people happen to contradict my theories, I get frustrated. When you like to pretend the world is a certain way, it's always hard to find out it can't be. But now it's late, I'm waaaay off starting topic, and it's time to go to bed.
Good Night!

Without Caffeine. . .

Thursday is another lab day: Physics at 8:30AM. This means I need to be up by 7:30AM. So going to sleep at 1AM or later is a little unwise, especially when your only reason for waking up is getting to a lab where, you pray, the most annoying and mean-spririted girl will NOT want to be your lab partner. It was a hard morning indeed.

Luckily, I found someone nice to work with in lab, got done early, and sat around at the Activities Fair in the KC Ballroom, attempting to keep myself entertained and hopefuly not scare off potential biology club members. I got bored and began asking folks to suggest a new name for the skull we typically bring to our table at any given event. It's a toss-up between Murray, Vinnie, and Arthur. I sure hope that skull belonged to a guy. . . Anyway, activities fairs are always entertaining to me, because sometime's you are suprised by who is interested in your club. Then of course there's always the people who ask what your club does, and after you've finished the full schpiel they say "Oh, well. . . I'm not really into biology. . . " and stand waiting for an answer.

SERIOUSLY. What the hell is your problem? The sign on the table says "BIOLOGICAL SCIENCES." Save us all some time and effort. Once again I wonder if this is some botched attempt to get to know me better. I mean, why else would you do something so dumb?

We actually got three honest-to-goodness new members, so despite the pitifully low turnout at the event, and the numerous bored and disillusioned club leaders, I left feeling pretty happy. Murray/Vinnie/Arthur and myself even posed for a picture. We rule.

The rest of the day melted into a fatigued blur. I was just so damn tired, and after working straight through the weekend and week, I just wanted a break. So I came back, took a nap, moved to Dave's room, continued to nap, woke up and ate a cheeseburger, and motivated myself to bundle up and go work at the library. But then I realized I left my keys in the room. I despaired, still sleepy and confused. Then, after notifiying R.A. Julie, Kat walked by, so I got into the room. I braved the cold, bought a diet coke, and entered the library. There I discovered I had lost the file for one of the papers I had to read for Immunology. I despaired again. I went back to the computer lab on the first floor (I was studying in the "Lady Room" on 3rd) and low and behold the person at the first computer was looking at the paper. I persuaded him to give me a copy, and life was good. The diet coke brought with it life-giving caffeine, and I was alert and psyched to be doing Immunology work. YAY!

I have been informed James has signed Dave and myself up for a team in the bowling club tournament. I think we need an awesome name for our team, but all I can think of is my old Quizbowl team name "Snowball's Chance in Hell" which might be appropriate, since Dave and I aren't exactly awesome at bowling. . . .

A pictorial journey through Tuesday



Wow. Nothing like getting horrible sleep because you had too much caffeine in your system, waking up waaay to early, and seeing THIS at 8:30 in the morning. Nope. Actually, the brain dissection I was so dreading wasn't really so bad. A brain doesn't have bones or blood or fur on in it, so you can basically pretend it's a giant mushroom or something, and somehow that's less disturbing. I will not go so far as to say I enjoyed it, but I can say it wasn't entirely unpleasant.


Meeting with Prudy went just fine. Should've known it would. Can you believe she actually said she enjoyed it? Maybe crazy astrology guy was right and I DO have magic dust. Anyway, I also found out two very successful biology majors in my department haven't even HEARD from their gradschools yet. SO I can keep that close to my little heart and grin.



Worked at the radio station. Didn't get much homework done. . . I had a killer headache. I think I made my own brain nervous when I showed it me hacking up someone else's.

Well, then there was dinner, and then there was Jiu Jitsu. But do you really need pictures for that? Probably most pictures were unecessary for this entry, but I kindof felt like it. And besides I needed this format for the last portion of my day:

My brain has been defeated by Identical Twins from Trannsylvania named Gabriela and Monica, who together form the UK pop group "Cheeky Girls."


I'm giving you the link because I love you all--well, with a few glaring exceptions--and frankly I'm not sure why I'm giving it to you. My advice is to watch the video and play the game, although either may be too much for you:

Cheeky Girls Official Website

Peace be with you, you're gonna need it.

No Vacation, but what are you gonna do?

Ho-hum-ho-hum. Another day spent getting work done, of sorts. Wrote a response paper concerning ethics in animal research--hah, I scoff at your request for a two-paragraph, one-page response. I'm so much more hardcore than that, yo. Then discovered an old skeleton of a story I wrote last year which was a poor D&D metaphor for my situation. But it's really entertaining. I always like when I find something I wrote that I forgot I wrote. It's pretty close to an out-of-body experience. Bet you all can't guess what class and race I'd make you! Eh, you don't want to know. But tinkered with it some more, thinking maybe someday it would be an actual story worth sharing with someone. I doubt that very much though. Oh well! In the process of finding a good name for my character, I happened upon a really cool name generator

So, having taken the quizzes, I know that if I lived in Middle Earth I'd be:
Annúnhiriel who lives in Rivendell--although I'm most like Gandalf and I'm supposed to be a "Annoying Dunlending"

Oh, pray for me. Tomorrow I meet with Prudy to talk about the results of my research at Hawaii. It's rather tricky, because most of my time was spent constructing mutants, and I only got to do two actual colonization assays with them. And to top it off, none of MY mutants had the precise mutation in their amino acid biosynthetic pathway--but the lady I was working with did get one. I helped her with that one too, but it would've been alot cooler if it had been my personal mutants that I carried from start to finish. Oh well, it was just the luck of the draw. Mutations, even when induced, still happen mostly by chance, and I was lucky overall to have gotten as far as I did. But like I said, pray for me.

I'm not REALLY worried, because I'm just meeting with Prudy to discuss these results and figure out what I should focus on. I'd like to draw parallels between the successful mutant that I helped with and my personal mutant that looked like the right thing, but after a difficult procedure (that I performed) proved not to be correct. That way even though I didn't get exactly what I was looking for, I did see first-hand the importance of confirming your results in more than one fashion, to be sure. And I still made mutants, they just weren't amino acid auxotrophs (unable to make a specific amino acid). Ok, enough of this. I've just got to reassure myself. Mainly it just stresses me out a bit, because it's one more thing I've gotta do. On top of physics problems, and reading for two other classes.

Finally, I have to dissect a sheep's brain in lab tomorrow. I wish I was excited about it. But I just don't care much about anatomy. I like things that most people can't see, I like chemical reactions and shit. Hence my wanting to be a microbiologist, and not a macro-biologist or a doctor or something. Man. . .

Oh! and more finally, I watched "High Fidelity" again tonight, on Comedy Central. I've gotta re-assert what a great movie this is, although I realized--and this is a typical notsuprising observation--that the book (by Nick Hornsby) is much better than the movie. But I find the whole movie is really enjoyable, especially if you've been in any number of relationships. And it's worth it to see John Cusack flip out on several occasions, and once again be in the rain. And holy crap, what a great message for a relationship movie: that (oh man this is starting to sound old) other people will always be attractive, and you could live your whole life jumping from stone to stone, but in the end it's all the same thing. They all start off fascinating and wonderful, since you barely know eachother, and compared to the problems, the plateaus, the challenges of a serious relationship, it can seem so preferrable. Duh, everyone knows that part. But the thing is, eventually, when you get past the excitement, you're left going "who the heck is this person and what am I doing with them?" and then you leave again. But sometimes, you meet someone who's still so good even after the new-ness wears away. And baby, that's a keeper. Everyone starts off looking shiny and new, so don't feel bad and don't let it deceive you. In the end, who would you rather be with? This book/movie changed my freaking life. It's such a freeing concept. Although I'm still working on it, because I continue to have this fear of becoming boring, running out of things to talk about. But then again, who doesn't?

Sunday Evenin'

Once again, the snow catches me by suprise. I mean, it's bitter cold out tonight, and the snow isn't stopping. But damn, is it beautiful, and quiet, and soft. . . . I guess my brain's already preparing to leave. Gotta get my closure in, while I still can. Yeah, I do think alot about this time last year. It's inevitable, because I look backwards just as often as I look around and forward. But this isn't the harping, depressive rant--I don't bring this up to be negative. I bring it up, because you have to realize that anything can happen. All the guessing in the all the world will not leave you prepared. So it's best to put your efforts elsewhere. Gotta enjoy things and hopefully live as honestly, as relaxed as you can.

I'm looking forward to spring though. I can't wait to smell those smells and write new memories on them, over the old ones. I figure that's how it works. Life makes you question yourself, but then it gives you the chance to keep going.

Went to Jiu Jitsu tonight and had a wonderful time, even though we were doing excersizes. I had my hair cutely tied back, and talked to lots of folks, and felt like I acted like a good, eager person. It's something I'd like to be. Can't give up being amazed by scuff marks on the racketball court wall, and I can't give up wanting to be a good person.

Which brings me to a final topic: geek rage. I have it. You know, that thing in your gut that makes you hate cheerleaders and people who wear all Abercrombie & Fitch. Maybe I'll reflect on this later, but for now I need to get to bed. Gotta do more work tomorrow, on my day off of course.

Sunday Mornin'

1. Gingerbread chapstick rules
2. Showers also rule
3. Sinuses feeling like they've been spackled with lead . . . not so good
4. 3-day weekend: good
5. 3-day weekend spent doing homework just like any other day of the week: not so good.

Oh well, I think I may have a bit of a bug. Even when i was having a rousing good time on Friday, I was still tired and slightly sad, which is very likely because of this. Or maybe I'm just tired. I don't have a car. Can't go anywhere exciting. I don't have enough money left to do any sort of shopping. Meeting with Prudy every week will keeep me on track for my APEX, but it also keeps me on edge a little all weekend. I have to show her the results of my work, this tuesday. It's hard to go back several months and try to remember what all your crazy data and notes mean. But I did a good job recording it all!

Peace

Was anyone else taught to spell "piece" by remembering that there's a "pie" in "piece"?

Well, I should cover Thursday first, although in general it was uneventful. I didn't have any labs, or any classes. Got up late, went to lunch at Dix with Sam and Dave. Went to the bank. Came back and did some verk in the radio station--including getting my plane tickets set up for the journey to Wisconsin. Went to the library at night and got some more schoolwork done. And walking back from there was a great moment, because I realized I had done all my homework for the evening. I could do whatever I wanted. I also realized that as long as I didn't put anything else on my plate, I'd have plenty of time to do my work, for the rest of the bloomin' semester. I just felt every muscle in me relax a little. Once again, I want to thank that lady who gave me the tarot card reading. "Just because you don't have to work as hard as most people to get things done doesn't mean you should put more on your plate"

Hells yeah.

I've got to say my favorite part of Hiram's campus still continues to be my favorite. It's the main campus green, squared off by Hinsdale, Colton, art and music buildings, and Teachout-Price. I have some of my best thoughts there, because my brain is always zoned out as I'm walking the same path I've walked HUNDREDS of times in all sorts of weather. Honestly, I'll miss that.

Friday was a rollercoaster of activities--aka lots of class--straight through till 4PM, when I watched Trading Spaces with Dena and the lounge at large. Still a weird situation. Why do I feel this need to be validated by those around me? I mean, why do I care if they think I'm some sort of vanilla home-maker wannabe watching my decorating show? If they don't know me for real, it's there loss, right? I guess because it's alot easier to be secure in who you really are if other people see you as such.

Alice came to visit! She pretty much summed up the evening in her livejournal. Played Cranium--tried to do charades of tofu. Got Carrie a drink at Extreme so that she could go to sleep early. Came back, watched something fantastic which I highly recommend viewing.

Crashed Dena's Moulin Booze party, which involved cramming into an overmax-capacity room with heaps and heaps of theatre folk. I wonder, should I have been hanging out with these folks the whole time? They're fun, but still, maybe not for me. I wish I had done more theatre while I was here, but oh well.

Finally, tracked down Dave to Extreme where he was having goodfun drinking with Chewie and Andy. I felt like I was crashing an all-guy event, but hey, I heard Dave was looking for me, and I thought maybe he might want help gettin' home. Besides, my other option was to clean my room :)

Came back, went to sleep, dreamt I was many things, but the best portion of the dream was where I was part of a pack of vampires in an old house. We were killing innocent folks right and left, getting further and further into the house. When suddenly I realized that what were were supposed to do was follow this trail of people-candy all the way down into a basement room, where a group of priests was praying and waiting for us--we'd die. I pretty much felt like I was a character in a movie who just realized that they were in a movie, and decided not to follow the storyline. I mean, you ever wonder what "Alien" would've been like if they'd kept the face-huggered guy in quarantine? Or what "Jurassic Park" would've been like if Nedry had picked some other weekend to take out the power? It was awesome to finally give a movie an alternate ending, even if it wasn't a real movie and it was in my dreams. I told my pack what was going on, and convinced them to leave and pillage the nearby town instead. And so we had great fun, and all the little priests were cowering in the dark, in the basement, wondering what happened to us . ...

mwhahaha!

Well, today I have to work on my APEX a bits. I've gotta convince myself I'm looking forward to it :)

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Ummm, it was wednesday?

Well, 2nd day of the MWF schedule of classes. I finally got my books at 9AM this morning--thanks to some amazingly good help from Chris at the busy-ness office. I spent the two hours before class trying to catch up on my reading and get all my new binders in order. Ah, the time-honored tradition of getting one's school supplies in order. .. .since kindergarten, I've gotten so much enjoyment from feeling organized and prepared in the realm of paper and folders. Class was slightly less boring. Immunology was actually really interesting, as I learned how to sell my plasma for cash, and scored a good answer for why having too few bloodcells is bad; although in all honesty my mom could've answer that one. Man, I'm a jealous dork. Our professor has a couple kids in the class he's always adored, and they always ask these obtuse, involved questions, or give the answer I already have in my head, and he's always telling them what excellent questions and perfect answers these things are. I typically get a "precisely" if I get anything at all.

I can't tell if I'm just being envious or legitimately wronged in some way. Did I mention I can't wait to get out of this place? I just always feel out of the loop on everything in my department. And I have much respect for my professor, but he seemed to give this one research group the majority of the attention, and so naturally their work flourished. It's like highschool all over again. Maybe you know what I'm talking about. If that girl who's got the same stats as you gets the scholarship, next time around, she's got a scholarship and you don't, so she ends up getting that scholarship and you don't. And now she has two scholarships and you don't have diddly squat. Prudy is rooting for me, though, and for that I'm thankful. As much as I gripe about how hard she is, I still am glad to know her.

It's just, this place gives you such a weird sense of perspective. When I went to Hawaii, everyone was so excited to have me there, and Cheryl would tell me what great work I was doing, how I had the hands and the brain to do it. I felt special. I felt capable. But here I don't work in a lab--I never feel like much of anything. I feel just plain disregarded. There are these hoardes of seniors and juniors all working in the same lab, and it drives me a little nuts how "in the loop" they all are together. I feel like they are in some other department, if that makes any sense.

Man, the thing is, I'm just being insecure. I need recognition so I can feel like what I'm doing is worth it all. I almost shamed myself into volunteering to work in Brad's lab, because I felt I owed him for the recommendation, and because I thought it might win me some of that approval from him. But you know what? I didn't get it when I was working on the project all by myself. I came in from a summer at the OSU Plant Biotech department, and got to watch another group's work towards getting published in a year. Got to see them use all kinds of neat microscopy while I attempted to get one enzyme assay to work. I don't resent them for it. They did good work, and they are sharp guys. But I kept wishing I could've been put on their team. I had more skills in the lab already than 2 out of the 3 of them did when the started in the lab. I'm envious, and I feel like maybe nobody really believed I did much at OSU, or just didn't take the time to think about it.

But hey, it isn't such a sad, dismal situation. I still have been recognized and accepted by bigger and finer institutions--even got perhaps a bit of excited congratulations from Prudy, which are so hard to come by that goodness it is fantastic to receive. I've gotta focus on that. And take any resentment I have and use it to create a fantastic APEX presentation. I have to ignore all this crap. In a way, I have to be my own department, running parallel from so many other bio majors. It makes me sad though, that I don't have any real compatriots among the molecular biologist crew. I got along really well with the invertebrate folk, the bioethics majors, the education people. It's a mystery!

whew! that was a long rant. But the bottom line is that I'm not working in Brad's lab this semester. And I'm NOT going to feel bad about it. Because I have plenty of work to do already, and bigger fish to fry. And in the end, my life leads elsewhere.

Finally: I just heard that Sean and Maureen are engaged, and that is really happy lovely news! They seem to bring out the best in one another, and that's really important. So many congratulations to them if they happen to stumble across this ;)

Personal Statement

Ok, this it THE THIRD time I've had to compose this message, due to the evils of my touchpad somehow clearing my message each time. Perhaps this post wasn't meant to be, but I don't really care.

Do you think this might be the year I finally yell at people who piss me off? Shit, that would be awesome. No more bitching into my mirror so that I could maintain my politeness. But there are so many problems with speaking your mind. . .

Take, for a hypothetical example, Bob and Joe. Bob has known Joe for quite some time. Every time Joe talks, Bob wishes he wouldn't have listened to Joe, because Joe always says something either vapid or offensive to Bob. Finally, one day, he's had enough. He gets on his weblog and says "Fuck you Joe, you're a retard."

Bob feels better, having finally just said what he felt.
But Bob looks like a jerk. His own friends might not even side with him. They will tell him he's overreacting. Then Bob begins to wonder: does he have the right to yell at Joe? Is it worth looking like a fucking jerk? Is it worth it to piss off all of Joe's friends too?

No, it isn't.

Oh well, maybe next year. ...

Typin' in the early morning

Man, I hate getting up when it's still dark outside. It just doesn't seem natural. But I've got an 8:30 lab in the basement of Bates. . .. and considering my apprehension of monkeys and presence of said monkeys in the basement maze of the Pysch building. .. .I must fortify my soul. And by fortify my soul, I mean buy some diet coke and hope the caffeine makes me ready for a busy busy day. I also must locate a turtle neck, because there are two reasons I wear such a garment that constricts and covers my neck:

1)Fashion or coldness demands it
2)Suspicious welts have appeared on my neck, and I hate to make up a story or say "yeah, that is the work of my male friend!"

BAH. I love you honey :) Seriously. And I love that you don't like turtlenecks either. My mom always thinks I look really good in them, but they make me want to gag.

I now have blue "swag style" lights hanging above my top bunk bed. It is soooo nice, because they cast this lovely, cool glow on my bed, and it makes me calm and sleepy--which is exactly what a good bed should do. I feel like I'm in Lothlorien among the elves! Ok, maybe that's a bit too far for my imagination to regularly stretch, but you get the picture.

I was just looking over Dave and Adam's journals, and their replies, and it made me think about comraderie among the folks in your major. I think somehow I missed out on that with biology. I mean, with my fellow AIBS officers I get that to an extent, with the folks in my invert class too. ... .but none of us hang out outside of organized activities. But then again, perhaps when I get to grad school this will be different. In grad school, as far as I can tell, you seem to hang out alot together, although that's usually in the lab, but occasionally you go out for a drink or have picnics (at least in hawaii they had barbecues all the time). Here's hoping, once again. Everyone needs friends, and I'd sure like some more bio friends.

Lastly: With the return of Dena comes the hope of reclaiming the Lounge. . ..at least for Trading Spaces. So far we've got Sean, Maureen, Dena, and myself planning on plopping down at 4PM to watch it today. I am ready to rock: I miss my decorating show, and apparently I'm not the only one. Feels good, my friends. Feels good. . ..

One day of school, half the power on campus, and maybe a quarter of me cares

Yep, it's the last first day of the semester of my undergraduate career! Are you tired yet by my continual references to "the last" of everything at Hiram? In some ways, my brain is. Like today, I was walking around to my first classes, no books, no notebooks, and hardly any office supplies, and I heard my brain go "Yeah, you're a pro at first days of class by now--it's no big deal." And I thought, you silly brain. It hasn't been a big deal for some time now. Stop being so obsessive about being a senior!

But really, there's not much getting around the fact that this is the last spring semester I'll ever see at Hiram. Fact is, I'm really getting tired of HIram, and it's comforting to know I wont' have to deal with it much longer. It's so cold, and snowy, and absolutely deserted in the middle of the day . . . YYYYUUUUCK. And I'll mutter for a moment that almost all my friends are gone. Honestly, the lounge sucks these days. I know now how folks that never hung out in the lounge feel. You really want to hang out in the lounge, but you don't want to put up with some people. What's worse is that it's really just, like, two people--if they were gone I'd find it tolerable. But it's gone, it's lost from me forever because of my own intolerance. I miss having Alice and Nick, and even Sean and Maureen making out on the couch. Baby, it's all gone. Nobody's got no class. *sigh* but what are you gonna do? That's life. . .

The big event a hiram today was the lack of 50% of the power on campus. Every building is missing half its power. Which means the business office cannot transfer money to my book voucher account, which means I cannot get books. I cannot use my computer in my room. People are eating in the dark at Miller and they cut in front of me because apparently they think dark lighting means I won't see them do it. Fuckers. I truly hate when people do that. Nothing is so frustrating as having people ignore your right to food, or think there's is much greater. BAH.

Class is ok, so far. Nothing to get excited about.

Today I broke in my fantabulous pair of velvety red jeans with a blue wash on them. They almost glow red and blue. They make me happy :) As does being able to hang out with el Dave. He fell a bit ill yesterday, and I was quickly reminded how if he's sad it's hard to be happy sometimes! I felt bad for the poor guy. But I think a goodly amount of sleep set him right. I think he wants out of Hiram too . . .

Home again, home again. .. .

Well, it is in fact time to go back to Hiram. The last hiram-x-mas-break is over. I survived. Had an unforgettable New Year's Eve, got some good presents, and some really cute pants. One more semester to go. . . .

(insert moment of silence)

Yeah.

Well, actually I'm getting excited to finish it out. I've got alot of work to undertake, and alot of loose ends to tie up, but then again I also have alot of cool stuff to look forward to, like:

1)Getting schmoozed by graduate programs and people waaay smarter than myself
2)Shopping for apartments with Dave
3)Probably getting a car of my very own (which means I'll have to remember how to drive).
4)Clubbing with Alice and company--lady we're gonna break hearts!
5)Learning about Quantum realities during the three week
6)Getting severely blitzed during senior week.
7)Graduation. Graduation party?

I'm not even going to list things not to look forward to. Screw em! It CAN be better than years past, so I'm going to hope that it will be. And if not, I'm getting the hell out of Hiram permanently in the end, so I still win.

UNTIL WE MEET AGAIN!

The Buffy Dillema

Well, I finished the last episodes of season one of Buffy. . . it was great, great fun, and in the process I have at least my little sister Liz totally hooked on the show. And today I saw it, at Wal-mart during a group outing. .. the third season DVD bright and glistening in its shrinkwrap. Oh I'm in trouble kids. It would be so grand just to have the second season. . .all 22 episodes. It even has a performance by Cibo Matto--the crazy musical Japanese duo that sing about cake on Jet Set Radio. Holy shit, it's A SIGN, I was meant to have this set of DVD's. But of course I need to be frugal too, so I'm just at the middle point, torn fitfully between buying it and waiting for the price to go down. At one point, I know it's me being very much a fan. But don't we all have something like this in our lives? Something that we cherish and wish to aquire as much as possible of? Hear me Trekkies and Star Wars fans and Alien-lovers (like myself)! You are not alone!
Jonah offered to buy it for me, but I could not accept. Alas, even Amber the mooch has limits. Just lets me know I wasn't ever going to be cut out for gold-digging, and there's something I can feel better about, concerning myself.

I've finally reached the point where if I do not go home soon I'm going to flip out. Could also be a smidge of PMS, but in general I just can't stand sharing this house anymore, doing the dishes, having mom redecorate the kitchen immediately after dinner. It's just too much. We went to Liz's basketball game at my old Junior High: Sherrard Jr. High. This seemed to mean, for mom, that I should be this little show displaying how amazing and interesting and entertaining it is for me to revisit this building.

"Amber, do you remember where the bathroom is?" Of course I do. I went here for three years of my life, very memorable and of course tainted with the trauma specific to junior high life. I don't want to remember it. I hate being there, because it somehow makes me feel young. Like I never left. It kindof scares me.

"AMBER, look, it's your old school! Do you remember it?" She said with the big nodding grin.
I couldn't stand it. "Mom, I really hope you aren't going to do this for very long"

Then of course I got mad at myself. I love my mom, and god bless her for always being so interested in her kids. But sometimes it's just too much. Like whenever she asks if I remember someone:

"Amber, do you remember your Great Grandma Schaefer?" to which I'll reply no.
"My mother's mother?" she adds, like that question somehow clarifies things. I of course know which grandmother she was talking about, and for some reason it bugs me that she assumes I don't know. The fact is, I don't remember her. And of course, now I feel like I'm supposed to remember. And at the same time, I just want to wash the dishes, not try to recall things I can't recall. Like I said, I need to go back to hiram.

I miss just being me. I miss being able to just run around and go through my day without parents and siblings and such. I just want to go about quietly for awhile. Oh, and maybe not have my sister always borrowing the buffy DVD's without asking.

Magic Dust?

Well, got my O-fficial letter of acceptance from University of Wisconsin. Frankly, I'm pretty amazed. They are offering more money than U of Georgia, which was generous to begin with. I just didn't think I was THAT competitive. But hey, I've worked my ass off for years (excluding perhaps grade school), and perhaps finally it will all really be worth the hard work. I don't think it's quite hit me how great it all is. I mean, I have still have to interview at some places, but my top school--that pillar of microbiology departments, one of the highest rated in the nation--has already accepted me. I just have to figure out what questions I want to ask, and prepare for some recruitment wooing. For now, I like Wisconsin the best. I mean, great program, most money, awesome city full of beer, cheese, thai food, and LIBERALS & PROGRESSIVES A' PLENTY! I spend alot of time playing house, imagining what it would be like to have an apartment again, only this time I have someone to come home to, and a real job that will pay real money. I imagine spending time finding a favorite place to drink, instead of praying Extreme won't be too loud or crowded; I dream of getting Thai food as takeout, and watching movies in my very own living room. .. . . *sigh*

Has anyone seen the commercials where folks explain why they love chocolate? It's like listening to an AA meeting. . . chocolate is indeed a drug.

If I ever got really bored, I'd make a bumper sticker that said "If Mary was pro-choice she would have the right to choose to raise the son of God. Pro-choice does not mean Pro-death. Jesus would still be here you stupid bible freaks."

Ok, so it's a little long. It was in response to some lady's bumper sticker which read "If Mary was Pro-choice, there wouldn't be a Christmas." Which is just incorrect. If Mary was pro-choice, she would support any woman's right to choose pregnancy or abortion, that's what Pro-choice means. Besides the fact that it is insulting to assume that the very mother of your savior would abort him if she had the chance. . .

Ok! done yelling about that!

Oh, most decadent Saturday

I feel almost sick from how much money I've parted with today. Ok, admittedly the majority of it is my own doing. I needed pants to interview in, which of course led to also buying pants that were cute and actually fit, as this sort of pants is a rare find indeed. Then I got the first season of BUFFY, and I am savoring the wealth of geekiness I can now call my own. Definitely worth the money. I also bought the extended Fellowship of the Ring DVD, since everyone saw fit to buy Don it for christmas, but not me. Then there were presents online to buy for my Dave. And finally another college application fee--kiss a cool 50 bucks goodbye. Damn.

Well, Loyola College of Chicago is all done, and paid for, and sent. I've given up applying to Indiana, since it's a freaking pain in the ass and I don't really want to go there. All that's left is University of Maine, and that's almost complete as well. Dave is sending me his porn, so I'm trying to save processing time by leaving maine till tomorrow.

For anyone who might be curious, Dave K. has survived his incident with fire, and is now called "the keeper of the flame" at times.

On a VERY SPECIAL episode of AMBER: New Year's Eve Part II

Let's see, when we last left the house of Jonah, Justin had mistakenly taken a picture of Dave's girlfriend Robyn in the steamy backseat window of her car. . . . .

This led to an altercation between Dave K. and Justin, over possession of The One Camera. Just when things were about settled, Dave K. apparently said "Oh my God, I'm burning."

Dave was wearing a lovely blue dress shirt made of synthetic fibers, and he had backed into a bowl of floating candles. The middle of his back was smoldering, and he made a frantic yet drunken attempt to pat out the fire with his hands by reaching backwards. . . Justin had to come to his rescue, good friend that he is. Pieces of melted shirt had begun to burn Dave's hands. At this point they moved to the kitchen and word soon spread of the incident, although for some reason intially I thought perhaps his girlfriend had done it and I was ready to offer my swift and terrible revenge--protective? possessive? who me? It was all semi-ok, and Dave left the kitchen with his hand in a bowl of ice. I decided to go get another beer.

3AM--drinks consumed: One rum & coke + sip of super r&c, a hard cider, some merlot, and two beers. . . AND A PARTRIDGE IN A PEAR TREE--VOOT VOOT!
Drunk? Me? Drunk? You may have noticed in your life that people take on certain roles when they become drunk. Like Heather for instance: she gets uber-friendly. What does Amber do when she gets drunk? Well, aside from the usual feeling friendly, I become "The Inquisitor" . . . I walk around asking, in a very loud voice, about everything that a given person is doing. For instance, I see Justin and Andy over by the laptop. I creep up behind them and yell "HEY WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING OVER HERE WITH THE COMPUTER HERE?"

Charming, is it not?

There's also the incessant giggling. Jonah, who has donned pleather pants tries to give me a lap dance. Being slightly uncomfortable and not really wanting to enjoy such a thing. . . .the giggling starts. I stumble from room to room giggling and saying "NONONONONONONONOOOOO NO CROTCH IN THE FACE JONAH! NO CROTCH IN THE FACE!"

For the most part, I made it through the evening unmolested, although at one point I was supporting Heather and she rolled her head into my neck and said "Mmmmmm, you smell MUCH better than Justin!" at which point I made my stock comment about girls being required to smell good, slipped her arm around Jonah, and made it fast into the next room. Zoooooom!! Once again, Amber avoids girl-on-girl action! Ok wait, I've never had to avoid it until now! But still!

In the living room, Dave K. was alternating between giggling hysterically and clutching his poor blistered hand underneath his other arm and yowling in great pain. He was hunched over for the rest of the evening, until he called his mom to take him home, and perhaps to the hospital. When Mrs. Kolas arrived, Chad wanted to give Dave a piggyback ride out the door to the car, but Dave wasn't for it. It would've been funny, to see tall Dave with his great long arms and legs splayed out behind the much shorter Chad. Alas and alack. . . .

The rest of the evening, what little is left through 4AM, proceeds pretty much the same. As one of the few girls remaining, I do get a fair share of attention, but nothing unappropriate--I'm very proud of that! Mainly Heather happily takes the unappropriate stuff, which really I didn't think was so bad, as long as she actually did want to make out with Chad in the kitchen. . . . .

Eventually, the last of the leavers leave,and I am left to curl up on the loveseat in the living room, using my sweater as a blanket. Jonah tells me there's a free bed upstairs, the one with whales on it. Beyond denying chivalry, I begin to walk up the stairs, when Jonah says "I'll be up to join you in a minute!" Bah. It's Jonah's bed. I tell him he can have it, and I go back to my spot on the loveseat. Chad settles on the nearby couch, and profusely apologizes for any snoring he might do. I want to tell him I'm used to it, but I just tell him that's ok. I soon drift off to the heavy, tawdry land of drunken sleep. At some point, teenagers come in and fart in Chad's sleeping face on the couch. What the hell is it with kids? Sometime during the night, Jonah puts a blanket over me. He's a nice kid, despite his conduct.

noon: Drinks consumed. .. ..noooone
I wake up. Chad has already left. Jonah informs me that Justin will give me a ride home, and he's leaving in a half hour. I gather my stuff together, feeling rather odd to be walking around in party clothes, still. My beer is in a fridge in the garage, so I walk out to collect what's left of it. Despite other opinions, the day was grey, wet, and beautiful. It made things feel new. And I needed that moment, looking around at 2003 to get my bearings. A new year. ... here's hoping.

----------

So now I've got new glasses. Got them at Lenscrafters today! They're pretty spiffy, and the bottoms are rimless! Mom took us to the new coffee shop in downtown Wheeling. Unfortunately while there I looked up to see evil Scott in the doorway, looking ridiculous and bald in a tan trenchcoat and glasses. I fucking hate that creep. I entertain many thoughts of dumping coffee in his crotch and describing my severe displeasure for the FALSE rumors I had heard he'd spread about me. I may be easy, ladies and gentleman, but I did NOT date this creep for as long as he said I did. UGGGGH. Well, fortunately it was time to leave anyway, thank goodness. Maybe my glasses camouflauged me!

What's my resolution for the new year? To be honest, and to take less bullshit.

Quite Possibly The Best New Year's Eve Ever

Indeed, it was quite an evening to remember at the house of Jonah. I've decided to take more of an outline approach, since alot of things happened and they are better explained in the context of time and drunken-ness:

9PM--drinks consumed: none
After Jonah remembers to come pick me up, I arrive at the party with festivities underway. Walking in the kitchen I am greeted by a full counter of hard liquor, including such titles as "Cabana Boy". . . I like it here already. However I have brought beer and hard cider for myself, so that I don't get blitzed in an hour and die. I get several compliments on my striped pants, including "Nice stripes" and "I don't think I could carry those off as well." Whee! I haul out the Cajun Krab Dip (henceforth known as K-rab dip) and homemade pizzelles I brought, and get re-aquainted with Chad, who has been off around the world, including Northern Ireland and Africa, learning the trade of political science. Heather hands me a red plastic cup and a black marker. I dub this cup AMBER! And so begins my first drink of the evening. . . . .

10PM--Drinks consumed: 1 Coconut Rum and coke
Heather begins to drink, and we try to encourage making it to the midnight hour. I almost lose my eye to a champagne cork which wizzes past my left temple, ricochets off the cabinet behind me and bounces across the kitchen into the next room. My life with eyes flashes before said eyes.

12AM--Drinks consumed: 1 rum & coke, 1 Hornsby's Hard cider, a sip of deadly too strong rum & coke made for me by Heather
At this point, I am happily, happily buzzed. Jonah calls over to me to come be the other girl in the quartet of Justin, Jonah, and Heather for the midnight smooch. I vocally decline, reminding him that I am "spoken for" and flash the ring for good measure. The ball drops, and somehow I miss Justin and Jonah smooch. Jonah is what you might call a chronic flirt. He continually harasses everyone all evening. I get a little sad not having my Dave around to smooch. . . . I have grabbed an Amber Bock and toast with this instead of the champagne, which is a good move since the champagne is judged as awful.

1 or 2AM--Drinks consumed: One rum & coke + sip of super r&c, a hard cider, a beer, and some merlot.




By now, giddiness is in full effect. I'm a bit dizzy and silly but ok. Pretty much everyone is fully buzzed. I think this picture best describes the situation at hand. The lovely lady in the center dressed in a fuzzy pink shirt and candy necklace is Heather, who by this point is thoroughly blitzed and becoming quite friendly! You may also notice a red badge on her shirt-->this is the red badge of retardation that she made herself. Underneath it is a statement that claims she is no longer responsible for her conduct, signed by her and witnessed by me. This picture well represents my view from the other side of the table. Hell, it was like a free show. To the left of heather is Chad, and to the right is Andy. Please make note of the bowl of floating candles on the table. . .it will be important later.

At this point, folks become aware that Dave K. and girlfriend Robyn are nowhere to be seen. All the rooms in the house are searched, and still no Dave. I tell them just to give up the search, because wherever they are, they're making out and are probably having a good time. Andy suggests checking Robyn's car. Hey, it may not be highschool anymore, but Justin goes outside and accidentally photographs Robyn's face in the window. . . . . and I'll continue the rest of the story later!