A Day Different From What Was Intended For It

Yeah, I had plans to do work today. I was going to read all kinds of great stuff on cholera. Well, I've got lots of great stuff on cholera, so I guess that's a start. Now I've just got to read it. Ech! But my room is very clean now, and I'll wrestle some more with the archiving in an attempt to record this madness for whatever warped posterity could actually be interested in this.

Today is a medium-to-good day. It hasn't been all ecstatic like yesterday, but it hasn't really been bad. I had a good philosophical discussion with Dave D. I showed him his initial e-mail proposal, composed 9/9/99. . . the start of our relationship. We had a good laugh over our intentions. We'd both just come out of serious relationships, been catapulted into Hiram all alone, and suddenly had found someone who liked us. There were vows of moving slow, taking things nice and easy. Yeah. I want to say we were naive, but that word always sounds so venomous coming from a person who feels more experienced. I think unassuming is the better term here. We had no idea what was going to happen, and now we do. This is where we skate the edge of wishing none of this had ever happened, and holding onto this as a good memory. Licking honey from the razor's edge? maybe. Maybe I just wanted to type that and sound super cool. Who knows.

Tried making a mental list of my ideal guy in my head, only to realize it sounded alot like people I'd already dated. That's not the point, is it? So that's a no-go. Moving on after all this is funny. It's exciting. But it's rather crazy too. "To go blindly seems senseless" Yeah. That's how it is.

Sensei tells me when I'm 21 he'll take me to The Lodge (strip joint!) for a birthday celebration the likes of which our dear Jason has seen and blushed severely at. I'm 25% scared and 75% really freaking curious. I was trying to work out in my head if it would be weird to have a bunch of half-naked to naked girls dancing for me. Frankly, I don't think so.

Sensei offered male strippers, and my immediate reaction was---IIIICKK! Dave put it best, that guys dancing like girls just isn't that sexy. I have to agree. Mainly, what I find very sexual about a guy is how they act and think (I'm attracted to prettiness, but it isn't the main factor at play here). I like smart guys with ego and humor and intelligence. And you just can't get that from a lapdance, you know? But girls. . girls are just plain pretty, and dancing girls are very sexual things indeed. So that's how I stand on the matter. I'm not ready to start questioning my sexuality right now. I'm in a state of ultimate flux. But that's something to chew on.

Another thing: why does it seem that to really be intimate with someone you need to see them naked and making funny faces? I was thinking about that. I mean, if Dave and I have shared so much, how come we can't be amazingly close friends without me wanting to snuggle up to him all the freaking time? I guess, in part, it is because we're human, and we aren't very good at true platonic love. Or maybe it's just me who's not. Damn, deep issues here. But getting actually intimate with someone IS a fast way to get to know someone better. I don't necessarily recommend it, but it's an irreversible state of knowledge. So chew on that too

So, off to a play tonight. Who knows what else. That's life for ya.