On Being Adult

As far as I can tell, and I'm likely ripping off Hallmark or something. . . becoming an adult means confronting things that, as a child, you never imagined you would have to confront. Sometimes it's little things, like doing taxes or changing your oil. Sometimes, it's bigger things too, like deaths in the family or starting a new life on your own.

If anything, this week, this month, this semester has been about becoming a shade more adult. I'm definitely not claiming to have made such vast improvements as to be a true adult, or even that I've made improvement at all. It's more that my perspective certainly shifted again. I feel like I'm finally in some control of my life. It's still tinged with alot of underlying, untouched sadness, but there's alot of sweetness to life right now.

Friday night, I introduced a guy I've been dating, Ben, to my friends. And I was so nervous that the micro kids wouldn't like him, or that he'd be in a little shell around new people. But it was warm and friendly and I met HIS friends too. A great evening at the Cardinal--even got to dance to "Like A Prayer" by Madonna, which requires much girly-like belting out and smiles.

Saturday, we micro folks went on a little picnic at Picnic Point (appropriate). I brought sandwhich meat, cheese, bread, and Ben (who brought girlscout cookies). We had quite the feast! After that, Sarah and I went over to St. Vincent DePaul and I bought some awesome button-down dress shirts (for layering), two t-shirts (one concert shirt and one turquoise shirt that has "Join the Celebration" in pink lettering, a bulletin board, a clipboard, and a glass with a lobster on it. I am still very excited about the prospect of clothes being sold a dollar per pound. Then it was home to make dip for Rhett and Jeremy's party, and then obviously off to the party. I was happy to get some time to chat with both Sharon and Andy, because seems like I don't often get that chance, and I love my Pisces.

Sunday morning, I had breakfast at Ella's Deli on the east side with Cindy and Sam (my mom's 1st cousins) who live in upstate Wisconsin. It was suprisingly welcome to hear about all my relatives on mom's side and how they are all doing. Babies, puppies, and new houses. I didn't tell them about me and Dave. Even when I went home and talked to mom on the phone, I just couldn't bring it up. Mom sounds so happy. I don't want to start down that road, but I need to.

I helped clean up the apartment and paid my bills, and went out to lunch with Dave to Babe's--where we inevitably talk out some serious stuff but also just check in on one another. So once I was back out onto campus I felt pretty free from responsibility for the day, which was good. Part of what amazes me about this life is that I have to learn to relax and let go more often than I have to focus and perform. I spent the afternoon/evening watching Space Ghost (Bears and Sharks: Nature's Best Friends!), wandering state street and grabbing a delicious dinner at Tutto Pasta. Recently, it's been alot of flashbacks to undergrad: involving watching cartoons and passing out in those accursed extra-long dorm twin mattresses, as well as playing alot of video games. From a literary perspective, I really like the obvious contrast that life has written in for now. Undgrad vs Graduate, uptight vs. rule-breaking, planning versus living in the now.

According to the horrorscopes, this next week will be much less traumatic, and focusing on relationships, family relations, home & garden, and general spirtual healing. I truly like the sound of that. Here's to a new week!

So happy Springtime!

Hello kiddies!

Well, I've made it through the Monday and Tuesday of Homework Assignments. So now, I get to return to some sort of life again. Today I even got to buy issue 2 of the Conan comic. It's stylized in all the right ways. I borrowed a copy of "Blankets," and I think it's changing my life. I mean, don't you sometimes see a movie, or read a book, and just feel it seep into your thoughts from then on? I just love it. *sigh*

Life is pretty good. It also seems so radically different from a week before. Probably mostly due to it being no longer spring break. And to top it off, the weather is FANTASTIC. It's hovering around the upper 50's and humid. To me, it is the perfect weather. I don't need brilliantly sunny. I don't need 80's. I need this. And it's here. I walked to the west transfer point (bus station) and I could actually smell the soil. That smell is the perfect spring smell--it's a phrase I can remember saying to myself over the course of many springs. Spring smells like mud.

Spring fever can be hard to deal with. It makes me want to do a better job of cleaning up my part of the apartment. It makes me want to buy pretty spring clothes. It makes me want to run around in the rain, like the spring of 2002 and Goober and Sprite and I walked the 3-mile square in a warm spring rain. It was just to beautiful to care about whether or not we were soaking wet (we were). It cleansed us, just like spring always does. And I need that again.

On sunday, while driving to campus, I was sorting through the romantic side of life, trying to get that in order too. Thanks to the invention of the internet, I'd actually managed some options for dating. But still, my feelings were all mixed (and still are) between wanting to feel appealing and do romantic things in this new city, and also how panic attacks loom when I start to think about commitment. And then I had to ask myself. . .why the panicking? And my mind answered up with all the quiet and happy moments I've shared with people I've loved, and how I always thought Dave was going to be the one for me. I was so very convinced, for so very long. I still don't think it was me just being in love with being in love. Dave and I understand eachother on some deep unidentifiable level. Or at least, that's how I feel about it. But that's not enough. And I'm not sure what person I am now--that's the big problem. Too much of me is changing for anything constant to thrive.

What jumped out of some hidden part of the brain was a realization that I'm still burying alot of the pain. Sometimes I can't even imagine why I'd still have it. I've got a wonderful career, great friends, a fantastic city. . . And I don't want to poke at that lump in my throat.

But really, it's not anything disasterous. I was just reminded of the emotional objects I'm still carrying. The dissapointment and relief. The confusion, the uncertainty. Never ever ever wanting to love again, and realizing that I can't go without loving someone. That's my church.

I'm really trying to sort this stuff out, not just for me, but for those I date. For my friends too. For my mom, who I need to tell soon.

The best movie is:

Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind

I was absolutely pleased with this movie, although I don't want to see it again anytime soon. For it to really hit home, as a movie, you need to have loved someone. . .anyone. Wow. I'm tired, but wow. Great movie.

I have this inexplicable urge to wake up on farm and do some gardening.

So what kind of week is it going to be?

SO it's gonna be Sunday.

I've had an unusual weekend, in that I spent alot of it working on a paper for Heidi's class. Got up at 6:30 this morning (saturday) to get on campus to work early. It was so beautiful and peaceful on campus that I was sad to have to spend the calm working. And Sunday will be about the same. Even had to cancel a viewing of Don Juan Demarco to make sure I had time for this darn thing. I want it to be good, but I also want it to be done.

According to the horrrrooorrrscopes, Pluto will be influencing the next seven days, resulting in much life/death/rebirth-like changes and events our lives. Could be interesting!

Also, the boys will be back from Chicago, and it will be interesting to hear of their exploits.

Also, I have a topics presentation on tuesday on Simian Immunodeficiency Virus!!! IT IS MONKEY TIME.

Finally, a little chunk of wisdom from my mom, which I'm meditating on this week, after I get homework done: "In the long run, it's MUCH easier to just always tell the truth."

I stand by my theory:

Sam Ford is the author of my life. And maybe Dave's too.

Some of you know Sam (those that went to Hiram with us) and some of you do not. He was unequivocably the best friend I ever did have. Usually, when I was breaking down crying, he was there to walk around with me at 4AM. Sam was an insomniac--he was always available at those weird hours when nobody should be awake. Though occasionally unstable, he was almost always someone I could depend on and confide in. Words like "sport fuck" and "bitchery" were given and taken without flinching.

Unfortunately: I haven't heard from the damn boy in many many months. . . Anyway, in 2002 when Dave and I broke up on V-day and got back together once on April Fools Day, we formed the theory that our friend Sam was likely scripting our lives. Sam is by trade a writer in real life. Most of the time, things are marginally weird on a day-to-day basis. Your basic Random Encounter type things. But every once and awhile, Sam would craft a day that just could not be ignored or forgotten. . he decided to let you have one of those days where you wake up the morning after going wondering if all the things you remember actually did happen, or was it just some feverish dream?

And really, yesterday was one of those intoxicating, crazy days. Like those episodes of Buffy that contribute nothing to plot whatsoever, but you enjoy as they stand all by themselves. A departure from ordinary life. That was yesterday. That was also Sam. And wherever you are, Sexy Phil, feel free to keep em' coming. I still miss you!

This is why we don't give Amber margaritas on a school night, isn't it?

Apparently, in my sleep last night, I uttered the following statement:

"mmm. . .That's SEXY, like science"

I could be misquoting myself, but I won't be offended. But I think Dave was disturbed. Apparently science just turns me on, which is good, since it's my JOB. Nice coincidence actually. .. . ANYWAY, maybe I was dreaming of my future husband:



Ahhh, I could be Mrs. Bill Nye the Science Guy. . . *sigh*

Mid-March Report

Yay! it's halfway through march practically! Time for the celtic cross tarot-reading edition of Amber's weblog:

Significator (me): doing ok, in between having worked out alot and now resting, and wanting to work out again. Saddled with much work for the break, but ready for it.

Crossing Card (obstacles): I feel like napping, not looking at bills or sorting through my old stuff. Also realizing that if and when I move back into the dating world, it will require actually meeting people I don't know probably--scary.

Crowning Card (current atmosphere): So, in general, life is better. Maybe just because it's spring break. . .hard to tell. I'm not going anywhere exotic (except maybe in my head when I space out from reading journal articles). It feels like spring in my life, even if it's flurries outside. Lots of opportunities, options, and I just bought new shoes.

Base of the Matter (goals): I'm looking to somehow mesh all my desires with staying healthy, safe, and on track. Trying to not go broke, in all senses.

Past Influences: Lonliness, much frustration. Confusion in the areas of love and life. But also (in going to hawaii) a return to peacefullness and a sense of direction.

Future Influences: HELL IF I KNOW

Role or Attitude: Positive, but also slightly confused still :)

Views of Others: Do I know what they're thinking? nope :)

Hopes and Fears (the double edged-sword, eh?): Want to be loved, want to be satisfied. Afraid to take risks and end up all in shambly crumbles.

Where one finds oneself: Well shit, I did one of the online tarot readings, and got The Tower--which signals drastic ending to something ("Unforseen catastrophe"). Well, you heard it here first.

In other news, yesterday I threw out the pair of socks I once wrote a poem about. Of course, the poem was about how they had lost all their elastic and betrayed my heel to an especially cold Ohio winter day. . . so maybe it's the right thing to do.

Why I love my brother so damn much!

WonderBoy2402: go to sleep
WonderBoy2402: already
WonderBoy2402: jeesh

ForeverNewt: NO BEOTCH

WonderBoy2402: "beo-tch"?
WonderBoy2402: i am not a devil

ForeverNewt: suuure you aren't
ForeverNewt: why don't YOU go to bed?

WonderBoy2402: I DONT NEED SLEEP TO FUNCTION... I AM A MACHINE

ForeverNewt: Well then why don't you go eat a battery or something?

WonderBoy2402: MMM....YES HUMAN, I SHALL DO THIS

WonderBoy2402: *THUDS DOWN THE HALL WITH WIRRING AND THUMPING*

ForeverNewt: activate your tank treads fool!

WonderBoy2402: **OVERBOOST** *VIRAAHHHAAAA_KSSSSSSSSSSSSSHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO*
WonderBoy2402: *cool mecha action*

This is like . .. . .

Having dinner with someone you used to love, many years later.

Walking around your elementary school when you've graduated from highschool.

See, I'm in hawaii right now. It smells just the same. Feels just the same. I have to remind myself constantly that I'm not in some dream where my brain is painting a cheap facade of tropical paradise. I'm really here. Hawaii IS heaven--warm and soft and blue-watered. But it's also a place you can't live forever, or even for a whole summer without taking it for granted.

I'm learning tons of cool science. I feel as close to at peace as I think I ever have in my life. Especially if ignore my lack of romantic anything. Then, life is nearly perfect. At the very least, Hawaii is.

In case you were wondering

I'm in Hawaii for the next couple of days, for science. I'm hoping it's a good thing. According to astrology, sunday is going to be a heavy-minded sort of day. I already feel it. I've been snappish and selfish lately. I've needed more hugs. Sometimes you feel like being strong and sometimes you just want to whine and lean on everyone else. Or have things handed to you, for just a little while.

Wish me luck kiddies!
-Amber-

If grad school is going to teach me one damn thing. . .

It's going to be how to give talks effortlessly. Or, at least with less anxiety and procrastination. It's really annoying. I've done all kinds of reading for my presentation, but here I am not wanting to do anything close to putting it together. Let ALONE practice it. I hate practicing speeches--mainly because I like to put off what I think is going to be a traumatic event. This is ridiculous, because I am generally a good speaker--even better if I've got a memorized speech. Heck, I've been in the top five in my state for that kind of shit.

I think it's that my brain runs on a different wavelength than my mouth. When I give a memorized talk, it's like singing a song. When I have to give a speech that's EXPLAINING something, I have trouble keeping it slow and linear.

But I know gradschool is going to make it better. Starting tomorrow (when I give a short lecture and lead discussion on a journal article).

Tomorrow is one of those days that will be so fantastic to have finished. Everyone is antsy on campus. I think most of it is that keen relief of having February behind you. That month is pretty lame. It's been springlike, so that makes everyone crazier still. This wednesday, I have to get up and buy some overheads/print them, get my booty to class by 10:45 AM. Give 55 minutes of background material/disscussion of the results of the paper/discussionquestions. Go to seminar at noon. Go to lunch with friends. Wait until Ned's available to discuss papers (3ish). Either go to step class (haven't worked out in a week) or go home. Shop for groceries. Sleep.

Thursday will be pretty open. I may meet with my professor to talk about how the presenation went. I also want to reward myself with shopping for a little somethin' for Sharon and Andy, who have birthdays coming up. And somewhere in there read a paper for pathology 750. The evening will be perhaps ballroom dancing practice, and I somehow promised to drink on thursday night. In return, I have been promised full protection at Salsa Night at the Cardinal--no having to dance with random men.

Friday and Saturday I am hosting a grad student recruit for the final recruiting weekend for the microbiology program. His name is Yann and he seems to originally be from France? We'll see.

Then Sunday. . . Sarah and I hop on a plane to HAWAII for the yearly pow-wow on squid vibrio research!! EEEK!