Funnel Clouds, not Funnel Cakes

After mammoth posting proportions last time, I'm vowing THIS time to keep it short. Usually if I number things, this helps, so here goes:

1. Experienced my first Wisconsin Tornado Warning earlier this week. I've never legitimately seen the sky turn green, but I did this week. Things were looking bad as I drove westward through Madison, and when I turned off of University headed for Andy's apartment, I looked up in the sky and saw a funnel cloud directly above me--all huge and swirling like a giant bathtub drain in the sky. I promptly did a U-turn and headed back East all the way to Ben's apartment. So ok, I probably wasn't in much danger, but I was rather freaked out. WV hills tend to prevent such things from happening ever. Ben calmed me down by telling me that we only get small tornadoes in wisconsin. Baby ones. Whether or not that's true, I don't know, but I didn't care. . . it kept me from further freak-outage. FUNNEL CLOUDS! GREEN SKIES! Weee! It's much coooler in retrospect.

2. I finished Poisonwood Bible yesterday, and now I'm on to reading the entire Harry Potter series. I'm excited for the endeavor.

3. In going through my stuff looking for things to sell at a Yard Sale, I found my old notebook from 2002, and had to laugh at how final I thought things had been for Dave and I. Mainly thought, reading my old voice was like getting advice from someone who knows exactly what you're going through. But I also have to laugh at how much I hated Mb, how certain I was that she and Jason wouldn't work out. And now look at who's happily married and who's not. Life is funny this way.

4. I've discovered my greatest career desire: I need to feel like I'm respected and contribute to my field. Admittedly, it drove me a bit nuts earlier today to realize that I was in line behind Josh and Sarah for teaching assistant position in Heidi's class, and realizing that in comparison I have no chance in hell. It still bugs me that I got a B in her class, when I enjoyed it and got so much out of it. I hate the feeling that I'm an english major disguising myself as a scientist. I get this paranoia that everyone thinks I'm just in research temporarily, that I'm competent but not worth extra attention. And then I think to myself: "Have I done anything to warrant any other treatment?"

I'm thinking maybe I haven't. I've been able to coast through alot of my career, using procrastination and inventiveness to get through most course requirements while focusing alot more on my personal life, where that was going and who I was going to share it with. Sure, those things are important, but I'm going to reach a point (if I haven't already) where I can't do that anymore. I have to invest myself alot more fully in microbiology if I'm going to succeed and find it rewarding. So there we go.

Ok! I'm going to stop typing away and go do things.

I found within me an eternal summer. . . but it wasn't as summery as it could be

June is almost over. June is almost over. I keep telling myself this, mainly because I'm all out of money. I feel wrong sometimes about admitting it to anyone and everyone, because it seems like something I should feel bad about. Here I am getting paid to go to school, and I still run out of money. But there's something giddy about hunting for change in all my pants so I can put them through the laundry, and something cleansing about consuming every last thing in my cupboard. There are alot of expenses coming up in the next month, including getting my WI driver's license and plates (upwards of 100 bucks) and hopefully stashing some cash for the Big Move (I have some furniture I wouldn't make anyone lift without paying them this time around).

I'm almost done with Poisonwood Bible, which has been the first book in a long time that I absolutely had to continue reading. I've had recent affairs with Dreamcatcher by Stephen King, and I've got the ENTIRE Harry Potter series lined up to read after this. But it seems like a long time since I read for sheer fun, and even longer since I had a summer reading list. Those were the days. . .

I'm spreading the word that Bubba Ho-Tep is quite possibly one of the finest movies I've seen this year. So Bizzare that is just fits--its a miracle of weirdness. Also saw Saved, which is great fun and worth seeing.

I can't remember if I mentioned going to Eau Claire this weekend to get Ben to a doctor's appointment and concurrently see his hometown and family and such. It was suprisingly vacation like. I slept so well, thinking I'd been sleeping in till 5PM only to wake up and realize it was 1PM (that's a miracle in itself). Also there were lots and lots of neat creatures to see, including baby chicks in the kitchen. It would take more explaining than I feel like going through, but the main take-home point is that it was so VERY much fun and utterly unstressful. Except for peeking at my bank balance and realizing that my sweet State Tax Return had been gobbled up by overdraft fees.

So finally, I'm going to copy Alice's quiz and fill it out myself. I can't imagine it would be even remotely interesting for anyone, but it will be fun for me, and sometimes in the world of Amber that's all that matters.

1. What kind of underwear are you wearing, and what color are they?
grey bikini

2. What songs do you want played at your funeral?
Oh! I've got this one figured out: "Dust in the Wind" by Kansas, but more importantly "In My Life" by the Beatles, because it is my principle favorite Beatles song and perhaps favorite song altogether. Also the old 4-H song "Today." which is all about living and enjoying today, duh.

3. What would your last meal be before being executed?
I find it almost laughable that I'd ever even commit something execution-worthy. I'm too afraid of THE LAW. But if I were to have a last meal, it would include:
Tom Ka Soup
Sushi & Sashimi
guacamole
spaghetti puttanesca
and for desert? Sago Gula Melaka (tapioca pearls in brown sugar and coconut milk).

4. Beatles or Stones?
Beatles, of course. I'm sorry, the Stones are really pretty lame and didn't contribute nearly as much.

5. If you had to pick one person on earth to die, who would it be?
I wouldn't do that, but I guess in my life, the category I would've aimed at most often was "The Other Woman"

6. The person whose problems you don't want to hear?
the one who won't accept help from others

7. What is the thing most important to you about the preferred sex?
Humor is definitely first. I need someone who can't possibly judge me for being too weird. Funny hair is also a plus. A healthy-to-inflated ego. And the desire to love me alot.

8. Do you secretly hate some of your friends but are too nice to reject them?
No, I'd want to help them. But there are certainly people I'm nice to but don't particularly like. . .I just wouldn't call them friends.

9. If you could have any superpower, what would it be?
Definitely shapeshifting. Useful but also fun, without the nasty headaches of psychic powers. Then I could also finally get a tan.

10. Favorite hangover cure?
MUCH MUCH water and a delicious breakfast.

11. How many drinks does it take to get you drunk?
Typically 3 drinks, although with beer I can nearly hit 4 now. The exception to all of this is tequila.

12. Favorite song lyric?
There are places I remember all my life, though some have changed.
Some forever, not for better.
Some have gone, and some remain.
All these places had there moments,
with lovers and friends, I still can recall
some are dead, and some are living.
In my life, I loved them all

13. Hair color you most like someone you're dating to have?
Though I tend to gravitate towards the dark and handsome, I still have a fondness for the blondes and redheads I've known. I like boys.

14. If you had to be blind or deaf, which would you choose?
Blind, though I love colors so much. I'd much rather still hear people and be able to communicate.

15. Do you have any psychiatric problems?
The mildest of depressions, and chronic uncertainty.

16. Siblings that should go to rehab?
nonononooooo.

17. Least favorite month?
February--it's consistently crappy. It can go to hell.

18. Favorite hateful thing to do to somebody?
Gossip. I'm so addicted. It's the socially acceptable form of aggression.

19. First movie you remember seeing as a kid?
My Little Pony? I think it must've been something like that

20. Favorite person in the whole world?
It's me. I know, but I'm being honest here. I can always depend on me.

21. When's the last time you went on a date?
I went on a weekend with Ben home to Eau Claire and stayed at his family's place.

22. Do you like violent movies or dirty movies?
I like them both, although I'd taking people loving eachother over people hacking eachother up.

23. The name of your very first boyfriend/girlfriend?
Chris (although I "went out" with a guy named Todd in 6th grade for 5 minutes).

24. Fall or spring?
Fall--it's so spooky and I love the smell of the leaves. AND I love halloween.

25.Person you most wish you hadn't made out with?
This guy I dated directly after getting dumped in highschool. He was a sleaze.

26. If you are straight, what person of the same sex would you do it with?
I'd have to say that dear Alice is my most favorite girl in all the world. She is lovely and moody and also a Scorpio.

27. Where do you want to live when you are old and brittle?
Florida!!! orange juice and beaches and tons of other old people to hang out with. It will rock.

28. Who is the person you can count on the most?
Me. Me. Me.

29. If you could date any celebrity, past or present, time and age are not a factor?
That is a hard choice, because celebrity CAN sometimes equal dickery. I think I'd be for Depp, since he seems quirky right along with being easy on the eyes. OR Ewan MacGregor (I don't know if I spelled that right) since he can sing and is D-lightful!

30. What's a word/phrase you'd use to describe your life?
Act now and make decisions later.

So first off: weird dreams again. At least, I forgot to mention the mystical convergence of me dreaming that I married an Indian guy (and then ran away quietly before the reception, and got a tear-filled answering machine message from him later that evening, asking why I wasn't there, because I had made a promise to be) and Ben dreaming that I left him for an Indian guy.

So what the hell does that mean anway? I get suspicious of my brain sometimes. I think it doesn't take kindly to being stuck in my head day in and day out, and so it spends MUCHO time procuring ways to fuck with me.
*shakes fist in anger at brain*

I was really proud of myself on Wednesday. It was sort of a nervous day at first, because I was scheduled to meet with one of my thesis committee members, and so had to have subsequent nightmares about not having the answers to any questions she would ask. But instead of being an awkward first meeting like so many of my recruitment interviews had been, this was a whirl of new ideas and solutions to the problems I was having in lab, and renewed excitement about my project goals and the BIG PICTURE. I went away with a grin so big it really did hurt for awhile.

I got everything I wanted to accomplish in lab done, and I even caught mistakes that I might not have caught on any other day. I ate exactly as much food as I wanted to eat at Pizza Hut, and didn't go blow money on used DVD's at the Resale store. At home, I read Poisonwood Bible (SO FREAKING GOOD) until I was sleepy, and then went off to dream much nicer things.

So this is my anti-rant. I'm not having an ecstatically good day, but I am really content with how good a day yesterday was. I'm shedding stress, which is one of my biggest goals in my immediate life. So much of what I've done in the past has been motivated by fear and anxiety, and I don't want to do that anymore. I have the brains to be equally good at my profession, so I should stop freaking out and beating myself up for not knowing things--I've got to discuss what I know unapologetically, and just plain ask about things when I don't know, instead of just pretending I do. I've got to stop freaking out about everything, and let myself actually enjoy all the good stuff.

I don't know, it all seems so "duh" and simple, but I think maybe I'm only really starting to understand it now. Take care everyone!

Oh, and I found this quiz thanks to Rhett!

You are 45% geek

You are a geek liaison, which means you go both ways. You can hang out with normal people or you can hang out with geeks which means you often have geeks as friends and/or have a job where you have to mediate between geeks and normal people. This is an important role and one of which you should be proud. In fact, you can make a good deal of money as a translator. Normal: Tell our geek we need him to work this weekend. You [to Geek]: We need more than that, Scotty. You'll have to stay until you can squeeze more outta them engines! Geek [to You]: I'm givin' her all she's got, Captain, but we need more dilithium crystals! You [to Normal]: He wants to know if he gets overtime.

Take the Polygeek Quiz at Thudfactor.com

Slow work week, but a pleasant Me Week

I am selfish, I am wrong
I am right, I swear I'm right
Swear I knew it all along
And I am flawed
But I am cleaning up so well

First off, labwork this week is beyond normal tedious. There isn't much for anyone to do, since the PI's are flying in this weekend and all work has been put on standby until they get here (and then a tempest of work will ensue, no doubt). I'm doing a small experiment to see if the media I've been working on for nigh' a month and half is really at all useful. It might not be. And honestly, I'm kindof tired of working on it at all anyway, and almost wish it won't work so I can just move on to something else. However that's alot of wasted time and reagents. . .

Once I got past last week's rainy, hormone-affected Week of Crap(tm) things became much better on all fronts personal. 80's night on Friday was really fun, although I spent most of the time chatting instead of dancing (sorry!). And Saturday was Terrace Fest at the Memorial Union, and I got to salsa dance to a live band, along the waterfront on an absolutely BEAUTIFUL summer night. But yesterday was really the finest yet, since I went home early, cooked a delicious dinner and watched Y Tu Mama Tambien while leisurely painting my toenails after a ridiculously long hot shower. Then I went over to Ben's where friend Courtney was having a birthday party (an event i had forgotten totally about). There I drank waaaay too much wine and ate a piece of orange cake soaked in vodka and anisette. This I found very delicious. Other big suprises where that Ben got a haircut AND gifted me with Grand Theft Auto III--Yay on both accounts! It always amazes me how when people get haircuts your brain tends to bleep an occasional "Is this the same person? Is this the same person?" thing. Not in a bad way, just a novel way. New haircuts are a novelty, because by the next day or so you're used to it. Your mental picture gets updated. You dig?

Award for best lyrics of the week for Amber: Dashboard Confessional, "Vindicated"

God Bless you, Video Games

Well, it's official: I have some sort of respiratory infection. I been sneezing lots and emitting yellow goo. Didn't you want to know that? Somehow, it gives me great pride to know that I sensed I was getting sick for several days beforehand--although maybe that was a self-fulfilling prophecy, yes I know. Anyway, now that I have actual symptoms instead of general malaise. . .it's less disconcerting. But aren't colds in the summer one of the lamest things ever?

So when last I typed, I posted my horoscope which told me to go do something illegal, crazy, lewd, or in general wild. The best I could come up with was playing Grand Theft Auto: Vice City on Ben's PS2. Holy bee-jesus, does that game rock super hard. And I want to list the reasons why:

1. Obviously, you get to steal cars all the time. Some are shiny, others are actually mopeds or golf carts.

2. Along with the general carjacking, you can run people over, or beat up them up, or get shot by bouncers with shotguns. Regardless of what lawlessness you indulge in, usually the police don't care, and even if they do, you can just go get a change of clothes and all is forgiven.

3. Some of the best games I've ever experienced are the ones that let you live out a cinematic experience. HALO let me feel like a colonial marine from ALIENS. Silent Hill 2 let me feel like an unwilling protagonist of any number of horror films. Fallout 2 made me feel like Mad Max. And of course, Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic made me feel like a much cooler Jedi who also tried to make out with the pilot (I really tried, but all I got was a crappy I Love You. Bah). And what I'm getting at is that GTA: Vice City puts you straight into that nostalgic genre of snazzy crime dramas such a Miami Vice, Scarface, etc. It's a very immersive game. . .so tropical and slick, plus the music rocks my face clean off.

4. I am becoming a made man, through running over pizza delivery boys, inciting worker riots, and dropping off some druglord's hot daughter at a nightclub. I also threatened some jury members!!! Oh, and chainsawing some other guy in the street. I also have a cell phone.

Oh, I think I'm done gushing now. You probably already knew the game was awesome. My friend Chewie told me as much once, a year ago.

Also, picked up the first issue in the new X-men series "Astonishing X-men" (written in part by Joss Whedon, which is my impetus for buying it). It seems pretty darn good, and I'm having a fun time trying to pick out "whedonesque" elements in the storytelling, because I'm a huge, flaming dork. But hey, it makes me happy, and I need to follow more passions like that without shame.


In general, things are a little better. Work isn't being altogether satisfying: I'm carrying the double-edged sword of "not much to do." I'm feeling out of shape again, so trying to work working out into my schedule more. Trying to save money. Trying not to dwell on the past relationship. Trying to live honestly and without anxiety, because I've lived a good portion of mine own life in a haze of fear and floating thoughts of "I need to be doing more, and I'm not good enough for what I'm being paid for."

SSDD

Oh man, have I been waiting ever so patiently to use that "Same Shit, Different Day" reference from Stephen King's "Dreamcatcher." Same shit. Different Day. "SSDD."

So basically every day so far in the span of the week past has been about the same. Wake up at 8AM, stagger out to the living room and hit the snooze button till 8:30AM (or 8:40 if I'm feeling luxurious). Finally REALLy wake up, set the coffee brewing and my cream o' wheat microwaving while I wash my face and brush my teeth. I make a little platter for myself with that cup of coffee, that bowl of cream o' wheat, and a glass of water, plus one vitamin for the day. I sit down in the living room and mouth all that food and listen to NPR talking about a random topic, until 9AM. Then it's a scramble to get some clothes that fit body and mood, and get out the door and into the car and to the Red Cross so I can park and scurry over to the bus stop on Sheboygan.

Then it's off to work, where I spend the day sometimes doing work, but mostly just hanging out with Kevin and Sarah talking or unpacking boxes. Eventually, my day that started at 10AM finishes, sometimes around 3 and sometimes not till 6. A day of not much.

The evenings are better, but the empty apartment is still unnerving, at times. Too much room in the fridge. I've been sleeping on half of my bed lately, Lisa Loeb would say.

Oh, it's just being one of those days. Really, I've got a lot of things to be happy for, from assuring soreness of my shoulders due to working out at the SERF, to sipping nice grape juice and finishing off Evangelion with Ben. I also got my state tax return in the mail yesterday, which means I can go get my hair cut and maybe indulge again a little. Not much. I hate being overdrawn!

And then I get this horoscope today, from my favorite horoscope site: Free Will Astrology

I don't know if you're the type of person who enjoys trance-dancing half-undressed till 4 a.m. at bacchanalian parties, then prowling the early morning streets barking at the moon and singing songs from Broadway musicals with loony companions until you end up playing strip poker outside an all-night diner as the sun comes up. But if you are that type of person, this will be a perfect week to indulge your inclinations. If you're not, please find an equivalent adventure that you're comfortable with. 'Tis the season to be rowdy.

So maybe that's what I need to do? I spend a lot of time these days trying to figure out what buttons I need to push and what needs I must fulfil to feel happy and healthy. . . .but that's kindof an exhausting endeavor. I lack direction.

When in doubt, just despair and ask for help

That's the valuable lesson for the last couple of days kids!

I won't lie to you, the last couple of days since getting home have been sort of heavy, weighed down by my blasted nostalgia. When I've told people that Dave is moving out on the 1st of June, I've gotten a range of reactions from "Well it's about time" to "How are you doing?" And while it's

1)About time
2)Inevitable and necessary
3)The Right Thing (tm)

That doesn't necessarily make it easy or partylike. I've had to finally confront the reality of getting disengaged, which I've put off doing to some extent for the last couple of months. I got tired of being depressed and weepy, so I put all those anxieties on the shelf. But that has meant taking them back down and putting them in boxes now.

I don't know, I don't think anything I've seen from hollywood or in paperback fictions or any part of actual life has prepared me for this situation. It would be easy if I hated Dave. It would be clear if it was one-sided. But there is so little fanfare involved with a quiet, mutual decision that it's hard to know how to feel about it. I can't really get angry. I can despair about never finding "The One" and spending my life alone, but that's just silly. I can gnaw my knuckles over whether or not I'll ever truly be able to love without fear again, but I know I can, and I sure as hell plan on it.

Sunday night found me crying a bit to sleep. I just felt lost. For the first time in my life, I felt like I didn't know who I was or where I was. I mean, the sure bet in my life WAS Dave. All else could go to hell, but I had someone to love and adventure with. Somebody to come home to, and someone to remind me that I'm not all that bad, and worth having around. BUT then it turned out life just couldn't work out that way.

It makes you question your judgment, which is tricky because logical judgement is only a small fraction of loving a person, but you still can't ignore it. So I cried, and wanted to kick and punch and scream, because it was NOT fair at all. So I asked for help, from whoever maybe could hear me somewhere in the universe.

Did I get help? Did I find myself and direction? Did a big shiny hand from the sky reach down and set me somewhere better?

Naaaaaahhh.

But I DID get to sit home with Dave, on Monday, and just talk about all the crap that I was scared of, and--of course--he knew how I felt. While I'm not going to go through every little line of comforting exchange, I can safely say I just felt relieved. Dave's not leaving altogether--I'm not losing him as a friend. So we make eachother quite unhappy as a couple? so what? That's just how it goes. But we will continue to care about one another. I think that's what I needed to hear: The love we felt wasn't unfounded, just not quite matched for our needs and desires.

And is that really so tragic? Sometimes it feels that way. MANY times I've sat around lamenting that if only Dave could be more of this, or I could be less of that, we'd be perfect and live happily every after. But we're not going to change. It's not some epic misaligning of planets. We are not star-crossed lovers. This just isn't the way we were made to be. It is still sad, but more comforting than "some huge mistake I should have avoided."

So life from Monday evening on was much clear and happy. I didn't feel broken, or adrift, or undeserving of love and friendship. Things are going to be alright.

For anyone who waded through all that: Thanks. Thanks to everyone who's put up with me and my emotions for who knows how long or short a time. I'm not 100%, nor should I be. But yesterday was a gift of a day, and I am better for it.

Now I must also thank Alice for this fun thing!:

A	Accurate
M	Modern
B	Bright
E	Energetic
R	Rare

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