Sleeping in

Ahh, finally back to my 12 hour blissful sleep schedule. I'd been getting up at around 8AM for 3 days in a row, which isn't really anything to complain about, just hard when you want to go out or stay up late. I had a hard time sleeping the full 12, of course. I'll need more practice.

Well, 3 issues surround my life at this point: get a car, get an apartment, get a job, in order of importance. I have money saved up--a job is mainly to help me maintain sanity. The car is the thing. Yesterday I heard a new rumbling in the driveway, and I new soon enough it was the VW deisel Rabbit my dad had picked up recently for dad and Liz's biodiesel experiments. I ran down and Dad let me hop in for a ride. The White Rabbit is from the 1980's, and has many many cracks on the windshield so it hasn't passed inspection yet--we drive it on the lane only.

Jesus fucking christ, I have never ridden in a car that could jump to high speeds like it had a warp drive. Dad explained this is the beauty of standard transmission as opposed to automatic. He is *slowly* teaching me to drive a standard, because frankly you can go much faster on the hilly backroads of WV in one. And everyone says they are more fun.

We stopped by one of our tenant's, who has a garage on our property as a mechanic. I worry for him, because he's the only african american in all of Sherrard I think--don't ask me why this is. He was a super nice guy, and said he'd keep an eye out at the junkyards for windshields to fit the rabbit; said he could probably find one easily for 30 bucks. So hopefully, we'll get that windshield and pass inspection and finally a second car will be ours once again.

When we got back to the house, Mom asked me how I liked the car. I told her I thought it was totally cool; I liked it alot. What followed was a suspicious set of statements that I can't really remember in detail, only to say that it felt like maybe they were trying to figure out if I'd like one, maybe in a newer model. It's wishful thinking, I'm sure of it. Don also tells me he knows a secret but won't tell me it--I refused his information earlier because he usually likes to lie to me for entertainment. It's wishful thinking, but damnit I really want a car. I just want to have one now. It could die in two years, I don't care. BLARG

Well, better get my bottom in gear and get moving. I'm grandpa's date for the turkey dinner at the methodist church.

It's not what you are like. . .

It's WHAT you like that matters, according to the protagonist in "High Fidelity" by Nick Hornsby. Today it just hit home harder than usual.

Today in general was quiet. . helped out with mom's preschool class. Came home. Watched "FAME" and liked it (I'll confess I like the trash). Got a call from Dave K. letting me know their were plans on for later that night. Dave was kind enough to pick me up, and we drove out to St. Clairesville to BW3's for wing night.

We were supposed to meet Jonah, Chad, Jessica, and Lauren (all fellow highschool graduates of John Marshall HS). So we told the lady we needed a table for 7, when only two of us were there. So. . .we sat there alone for about 1 hour, trying to keep conversation going. I'm not trying to play this off as unpleasant, because I was thankful to be out and talking to my own age group, and Dave K makes conversation easy by continually coming up with new topics, whereas I am a lazy conversationalist and prefer to just let people tell me what they want to. But it made me lonely for my Hiram friends. I like who I am around them: weird, lewd, and weird again. But around the highschool folks, I always feel distanced and all-around reserved. That's my fault, but it's always so suprising at first.

The rest of the folks arrived eventually, and I found out Chad is going to do a 10 week internship in Nicoragua (sp?) with the US embassy. He's always doing things so impressive they easily top my adventures. I'm not jealous, just amazed to the point of laughter. I know a guy who's been to peace talks in Northern Ireland, and somewhere in Africa, and now he's off to South America.

It was a good evening--I ate wings for the first time and found them thoroughly delicious. Talked with Chad, and Jessica as well (i've known here since Kindergarten). They all decided to go to Jonah's house next, however I'm helping mom with preschoolers again, so I asked Dave K if he'd just drop me off at home. So we drove back the 20 minute drive to my house, and on the way I got to pick out a CD to listen to. I opened the case, flipped through it, and realized I only had only heard one band in the entire case.

Perhaps it struck me as metaphorical. Because if what is important is NOT what we are like, but WHAT we like. . . Then Dave K and I really are very different people. It may deserve the slight backstory that I had a crush on him from kindergarten through 3rd grade, and then from my junior year of highschool right through till college. We dated the last summer before college, and it was a surreal and wonderful time. And yes, I loved him dearly. But we didn't talk a whole lot, except about upcoming college. I never felt very comfortable around him. I always felt like I had something to prove to him. Where am I going with this?

CD case. . . I enjoy hanging out with Dave K, just like I look forward to hanging out with Chris, or any other guy that I've dated, not because I want a date, but because I liked them as people already before anyone made a move. I picked the Red Hot Chili Peppers CD. Apparently it's a band we have in common. But that's about it. Eventually, I always end up missing MY Dave, becuase we have always been comfortable enough with eachother to be the goofs we really are. It isn't anyone else's fault if we're not around someone else; it's just how we are.

Wow, it's late and this entry isn't too cohesive. Sorry!

Will you too ride the infernal inflatable weiner?

With a title like that, it has to have been a good day, right?

Well, I'm feeling alot better. Maybe it's just the fact that I've been helping clean up collapsed ceilings and putting away my unpacked clothes, or maybe it's that I have a plan for getting my new car, or maybe it's that I actually got to hang out with people my own age this weekend. I do know this: friends are one of the most underestimated remedies in the world.

Today I dreamt some more strange things, which followed suit to a weird dreams on Friday night. Friday night, after my meal of coconut pie, I dreamt that a family owned a zoo or farm, and their daughter was convinced there was some sort of chupacabra-like creature that had to be fed sacrifices of dead animals, or else it would eat her and her family. The other workers caught her one day breaking the necks of chickens and mumbling to herself (yeah, creepy). Her parents were concerned for her, but just to be safe, the mother left a camera on at night while they slept. When they watched the tape, they heard a golem-like voice cackling and giggling near their bed. Most of the rest of that dream was the twist that the creature had found them by a posting they had left on the internet (why? I don't know).

Saturday night, I dreamt I came home and our puppy was being eaten by a big doberman, and I shot the dog but it was too late--the puppy was dead.. . . just a limp little mat of fur and blood. Then the whole image faded to that of a big postcard, that said something like,

bow WOW
Just a little treat for you

it was signed or something, but I can't remember that. I woke up very disturbed.

But my actual day was alot nicer. I went to Jonah's house for that pool party, which turned out to be a giant family-friends gathering when I got there at 3PM. Tons of good potluck food, including german potato salad complete with crumpled bacon. . . .mmm. Well, I knew I had to leave at 5:15 for another graduation party, so of course my pal Dave K. did not show up until 5:10PM. This is how our assocation has always been set up, as it always seems to be with the memorable people in your life. Never enough time, if your schedules even align at all.

Anywho, left for another party, came back to Jonah's around 8:30PM, and in the elapsed time a fair amount of drinking had occurred in my absence. And therefore there was a problem: Dave K needed to get his swimtrunks from his house. He needed someone to drive him. Nobody was sober, except me.

After much assurance from everyone, I took Dave K, in Jonah's tricked out new car, back to his house. He was very nice and encouraging, and I only babbled worriedly for maybe 75% of the ride total. Explaining all the things I needed to do. . . it's what I do in Jiu jitsu too--I talk myself through things, perhaps a bit too much. But I made it there and back again, with a slightly blitzed Dave K still intact, complete with swimtrunks. So then we all hopped into Jonah's family's heated pool, complete with two large inflatable whales, swim noodles, netted paddles and a ball, and of course a giant inflatable hotdog.

Ahhh, the giant inflatable hotdog. It is absolutely hilariously phallic and at one point I had to clutch the side of the pool and just laugh. C'mon, imagine someone you once dated goes floating by, surrounded by mist from the heated pool, riding one side of a giant weiner. It's actually a teeter-totter sort of apparatus you and a friend are supposed to climb on. You each straddle the thing, grab on to handles on either side, and jump up and down trying to knock the other person off. It's extremely exhausting, and usually only stops when the hotdog flips over and you both are dumped underwater. I think, for the first time, I had the wonderous sensation of water in my lungs. Anywho, fun evening. Watched Space Ghost with Jonah, Jen, and Dave K. It just wasn't the same as watching it with Sam and Dave. I was so lucky at Hiram to have found people who comfortably matched my sense of humor.

In general, things are good. And now I'm off to sleep, hopefully with nice dreams. Tomorrow is another graduation party, and in general another day. Hugs!

well, once again blogger ate my entry. SCREW YOU BLOGGER!

Anyway, long story short (because I'm sleepy):

I got totally fed up, to the breaking point, and mom sensed it using her razor sharp mom-telepathy. She laid out exactly what I had to do to get a car--told me it was easy and I could do it. Then I took the van for a drive with mom, and did much better--I remember alot more than I thought I would. I relish driving something other than the hulking van that stretches across the road that is already too narrow and bordered often by cliffsides. I feel better, if only because I've got a plan and I know I can drive decently.

Went out this evening with Jonah, Jonah's friend Jen, Dave K., and Meghan. We stopped at Neha's house and chatted for awhile--which was excellent because Neha is leaving to visit family in India for a month, starting tomorrow. It was definitely good to see her. The we went to Eat'n Park for P-I-E. I had coconut cream pie and it was delicious. Then we wandered around Walmart, because there isnt' anything else to do at 2AM. We ended up pretending to pick out ladies underwear for Dave & Jonah, which was a first for our Walmart outings--and definitely worth it.

Came home, wrote this entry, and I'm wondering whether or not I should skip out on the graduation party mom has lined up and go to Jonah's house for swimming and good lounging. I'm not relishing the idea of putting on a swimsuit, considering any muscles I gained during my 3-week in Jiu Jitsu have long since languished, and pretty much every other girl in the highschool group looks much better--or at least lest pasty-white in a swimsuit. This part of the summer is never kind to me. Oh well, my personal Dave thinks I'm cute, and that makes all the difference. I wish he was here :(

Being a band geek is cool, but being jobless maybe isn't

So I just watched "Drumline." You know, the movie where they "attempt to make marching band look cool" according to several unamed sources :) Well, I will admit that I enjoyed it, and also that it didn't make it look ubercool. It showed the summer marching band training is hard, and frankly sucks. But a good drum cadence will make you feel cool, even if the cheerleaders and the football players still don't register you on their radar. I'd recommend it to ANYONE who was a former band-geek (and I know that there are many of you out there). Take heed, my brothers and sisters, we finally have a movie just about band. I'm not sure it's a good thing or a bad thing.

Well, I'm a bit bummed. Haven't heard from anyone my age in the Ohio Valley, except a friend from Junior High who now has a beautiful baby girl. I've spent days at home, waking up late and doing dishes for fun. The good news WAS that my Dad heard about an opening for a resident assistant at WV's Governor's School of Math and Science. He taught their last year, and earned a cool 5,000 for less than a month's work. So while he was on the phone with the director, he sang my praises and I am told the guy seemed impressed--last year they tried to get all science major RA's but ended up just taking anyone.

Mom tells me "it sounded like he wanted to give you the job, but at the last minute decided you should do a little paperwork."

So I filled out the application, e-mailed it to the director, with the hopes that by the end of the week I'd hear something. Because according to Mom, last year the committee pretty much finalized everything in the course of one week. And according to Dad, there's an opening because an R.A. backed out, and the alternate backed out.

I'm just frustrated, with everything. Grandpa goes out and looks for cars without me, great. Now I can't located him to ask if he wants to go again. Mom and Dad are at work every day. My favorite forms of entertainment are now washing dishes. I want a job, but can't look for one without a car. Also, I can't honestly tell employers I can work for the entire summer when in fact I might be gone all of july. Everyone tells me just to lie to them, but I hate the idea.

Mom volunteered me to write a report for one of her student's grandparents. She also volunteered me and Don to help out with the collapsed roof in one of our tenant's houses. This is great, sure, it's nice of mom to try to find me work. I appreciate it on one level, but on another I don't want these little inconsistent jobs around the house. I want to get out of the house.

I want to get out of the house. But to do so, I need a car. I have no car. Can't locate Grandpa to help me in this endeavor, and moreover I really just want a car. I don't want something slick or amazing or a fantastic buy. I'd be happy to take our VW Diesel Rabbit from the 80's around, but I can't "Until we put in the new windshield which will be coming in any day now."

I'm just getting claustrophobic. Mom and Dad aren't really in the mood to get me out of the house, I get the impression. Dad is very excited about the RA thing, and how "good it will look on a resume." Which is true. And I'd like the job, especially if it pays half of what it pays dad.

But when are they going to let me know? What am I supposed to do for an entire month? I could still try to help out with 4-H camp maybe, or put in that application at Walden's book store and pray. I just can't get anything done, because I don't know exactly what to do, and nobody seems all that interested in helping. The answer to which, of course, is do it yourself.

This sucks.

Here's to you, Martha Stewart

Weeeell, just finished my first weekday home in Wheeling. Can I confess already I want to hit my head on something repeatedly? See, life at my house is very surreal--we live secluded by beautiful, peaceful forests. The weather is sunny and soft. I have a puppy to play with. The closest convenient store is a 3 mile walk. . . the internet is slow. My mom yells for me to come upstairs in a voice that sounds like someone is stuck under a tractor. I get up there only to find she wants to show me how the puppy will chase a tennis ball while keeping the other tennis ball in her mouth. Dear Lord, help me.

So of course, I need to go find a job--something rather new for me, since I've always been an internship gal. I'm thinking of trying to get a job at Zien's waitressing, because my friend Jenna recommended it, and offered to be a reference for me. I'm of course gnawing my nails because I have absolutely no waitressing experience. I'll drop things, forget things, I'm sure of it! But it also sounds nice. Zien's is a local family place . . it could be fun. And I can't spend every day of my summer in this house waiting for mom to come up with chores for me.

Oh well, so I watched the made-for-TV movie about Martha Stewart tonight. I'm admittedly a Martha Stewart Fan. I know she's likely psycho and would never want to meet her in person. I know that what she sells is impossible perfection in the domestic arts. But I am in awe of what she does. And this movie was certainly pretty awe-inspiring. They captured the neurotic family with the dad who was never quite satisfied with what Martha accomplished. Martha treads the fine line between wanting to achieve what any businessman would feel no guilt about achieving, but under the guise that she is a good mother and wife--when she really is just a businessperson at heart. All and all, I admired the whole portrayal of the domestic goddess herself, because you admired her just as much a you were uneasy with her. End of rant.

I've done gradumated!

Just in case you were worried, be assured there is a tremendously long entry waiting about leaving Hiram. Though I doubt anyone was worried. But still, don't worry. Ok?

Well, I could fit all of graduation day into one paragraph, but for clarity's sake I'll put the sentences in several:

Was late for my induction into Phi Beta Kappa, and ran into Dave's grandparents--who did not recognize me at first--in the lounge. They were looking for Dave, and so I took them to him (he wasn't wearing any pants when he answered the door, so that was good times. Then I ran to the Kennedy Center for a crappy breakfast. . .who ever thought 8:45 the morning of graduation would be a good idea? Anyway, I got inducted into Phi Beta Kappa, and signed my name in their book--I didn't sign in blood so i think my soul will be ok. Actually the ink matched my teal blue sweater. Then I found my parents, and sent they to Hayden while I changed to better underpinnings and added my engagement ring. Then back to Hayden for the Baccalaureate.

Slingerland tells us that basically we cannot anticipate what lies ahead. That's pretty much the case.

Then we crowded into the KC 2nd floor for a reception, Prudy gave my parents a present, and we all feasted on cheese and fruits and such. Then I ran back to my room, for I had to grab my robe and silly graduation hat, and get down to the Field House in under 10 minutes--fortunately most things in Hiram are never more than five minutes away from anywhere else. Lined up at the Field house, in alphabetical order. That took about 15 minutes, while we then had to wait for 45 minutes for the actual ceremony. Then we processed out to huuuuge crowd--got some cheers from Dave's family, although I couldn't see mine at first.

Eventually, we were all seated & baking well in our black nylon gowns. The ceremony went on for a looong time, but I enjoyed our commencement speaker. Most everyone else did not, and looked at me funny when I laughed at his jokes. That was rather dissapointing, to enjoy the speaker that apparently everyone else was either tired, offended, or confused by. So he's gay? So he said "bitchy"? So what? Oh well.

So quickly, I was standing on the ramp, waiting for my name to be called. That is what I remember: my hand was on the wooden railing and the guide was telling me to stand right there--it reminded me of waiting in line for a ride on a rollercoaster. ..stand behind the line and wait for your turn. And then all of a sudden I was walking off the stage with a diploma in my hand. I don't remember anything in between very well. And that was it, I was graduated.

We walked through the gauntlet of professors in their garb, on either side of our procession, clapping and cheering. It's funny, for everyone else it seems like such a cheerable thing. But I just wanted to be somewhere quiet. I'm proud of myself for making it, complete with a summa cum laude and departmental honors--all that worrying and overachieving counted for something. But really, I wasn't amazed that I was graduating. I knew I could do that. I knew I would. What inspired awe from me was the end of Hiram in my life. But that is fodder for another entry.

I found Dave, and said goodbye to one or two people--who probably deserved hugs but I gave handshakes instead, hugs are funny things. I couldn't find my folks, so I stayed for pictures with Dave and his family. At one point, I slipped and said I needed to go find "my other parents" which was one of those nice slip-ups (as opposed to the Freudian ones, for example). Eventually found my family, and cleared out my room. It was very nice to have full grown siblings and and strapping young fiancee to clear stuff out. I didn't carry anything but my backpack to the car--that was a first. Both families decided we'd go to Rockne's for dinner, which was good, because I was dead-set on a cheeseburger after a long day.

Dinner was a great end to a gigantic day. I had a bacon cheeseburger (two patties, I found out) and onion rings. . .ahhh. Everyone looked tired. But the biggest reward was finally getting our two families together for dinner. They not only seemed to get along but also talked comfortably with one another. The two little sisters, Liz and Jill Marie, at first looked unhappy to be seated next to eachother, but then I found them later in the bathroom giggling with one another. They stayed there for ten minutes I think. You can never tell how teenage girls will get along, but they seemed to be having a fine time.

As we left Rockne's, hugs were given all around, and it was happiness--except for giving Dave up for most of the summer. That was better not to think about. The thing is, we left like one big family, instead of two. Ok, so it's really only Dave and I that are getting tied up together in the matrimony thing . .. . but I also fell in love with Dave's family the first time I met them. I wanted to be a part of that family as well as a part of Dave's life. And it was a relief to see that the families liked one another.

We got home around 11PM, and I was passed out despite my lack of a pillow. Little Mocha, our puppy, was bigger, but not by much. I slept for 14 hours. The end?

Creative Non-fiction Graveyard

Tuesday was a day of last classes. last class at Hiram ever. last jiu jitsu class too. But heck, they turned the fountain on! We had our graduation info session today, which consisted of a chalkboard and the general strategy of leading 240+ students through the ceremenony. It was odd, because it made me think about graduation practice for HIGHSCHOOL graduation, and how far away and close that seemed all at the same time. Life is going too fast, and I'm racking up many friends in the category of "I need another year to get to know you better, and I'm not going to get it."

I should do a little back tracking and say that Monday was the worst weather ever for our AIBS spring picnic. Everyone showed up dressed for December--Prudy was in bright yellow galoshes and I think some of the faculty children were in snowsuits. But we had a big turnout and all of us just huddled around the grills and chatted, waiting for the awards to be handed out. Biology department gives out some sweet awards (think $200 if you're lucky), so maybe that's why so many people were there. For awhile I was sad, because really nobody was talking to me. It's mainly because I don't hang out with biology majors; I hang out with the people in my dorm. If I lived in Bowler I'd be in luck--a ton of bio majors live there. But anyway, after the rewards I sidled up to Lisa and Luke and chatted with them for awhile, and was much happier. I also found out one of my Invert classmates is thinking of going on the Malaysia trip next year, so I got to give advice.

In contrast, tuesday was the CS/Math department picnic. Admittedly I missed out on WHRM dinner for Thai food, but I had to make a choice between Thai food, and picnic fare with Dave and then getting to go to Jiu Jitsu. I'm very happy with my choice. Sam joined us for the dinner, which was excellent because I've found it's sometimes advisable to bring another non-cs-major for support in these events. . . someone to talk to when thing's get to computery.

Kudos to Sam for saying a couple choice things that were both blatantly offensive and at the same time, just plain Sam humor. He can say the things that people have on their mind--things we wouldn't DARE say--and we just laugh and enjoy the honesty. I had a great time at the picnic, overall, although I saw and heard one or two questionable things. But frankly, I am caring less about thing intrigues of Hiram--after Saturday, they are someone else's problem.

Went to Jiu Jitsu, and got too excited during Kumite with Gail during her greenbelt test and landed a beautiful roundhouse kick straight on her jaw. She's about my height so I found that awesome, after I apologized about a million times. She's fine, and actually hoping for a bruise to show off. These kids!

Well, on the walk back to Henry from Jiu Jitsu, I chatted with Gail and Alisha for awhile, and I somehow got reminded of two writing ideas that I had thought up but never used, and actually after being at the CS picnic I thought of one more. One more idea to toss in the "Creative non-fiction graveyard." They are all ideas that sounded good to me, but on harder thought just wouldn't get across to anyone who isn't me.

1. An ode to geeky guys. C'mon, is there really a need for this? Maybe. I love these guys and I would happily sing their praises. Such a beautiful culture, geek culture is. I'm glad to be a part of it. But an entire ode to what makes geeky guys great? Maybe not.

2. Similarly, a poem describing how incredibly sexy I think it is when guys talk shop about something technical. I think I finally solved the mystery of why biology majors can love CS majors--we both talk technical. But I don't know if the world needs any more poems.

3. Finally, and perhaps more seriously: I always wanted to write a play or a comic book to capture last year. It still ghosts me a little--doesn't everyone have something that itches under their skin once and awhile? Sometimes I want to capture all that confusion, depression, lust, and anger that was Spring 2002. I mean, there are great characters, plot twists a-go-go. . . I already have a soundtrack setup. And today I was reminded also of how I would love to show an audience just how un-real things could get. Like going to taco bell in a car with the other woman, and the other woman of the other woman, and just not saying anything because you wanted to pretend it was alright and nothing had happened. I mean, wasn't that perhaps beyond polite and on to a little unhealthy?

I just remembered that feeling of unease today, and I still have to wonder why some people act like things never happened, not just in the polite sense of "we'll get along in public, ok?" but to the point where you invite them over to socialize. I can respect kindness for the sake of getting along from day to day. In fact, sometimes I still want to be friends--somtimes it's nice to put it aside. But I get this sense of dizzying unreality sometimes, like maybe nothing bad happened last year. I don't like it.

But anyway, try making that into an interesting play. I don't think I can, because it's my story and I of course think it's interesting--such is the leo way. So off it goes to the graveyard, where I can visit it if I like, but sometimes, it's a topic that's just dead to me.

time for bed! Tomorrow is the final and perhaps beer and pizza with Dave and Justin!

The last Hiram Monday EVER

Can you believe that? I can't. I also can't believe I just got 2 hours of sleep, woke up at 4AM and finished my 4-8 page paper for Quantum Realities, outlined the chapters I'm helping lead discussion on today, read the two scientific papers and outlined them too, and even had time to go to the corner store and buy a hotpocket and a giant irish creme cappacino, all in the span of 5 hours. I'm so caffienated my jaw is clenched shut I think.

Yeah, this is the last week. They've turned the fountain back on, and the weather is of course horrible. It's supposed to get better, but we're supposed to have our AIBS picnic tonight and it's not going to be picnic-like. I find that sad. Hell, it's all rather sad. If I don't go to Jiu Jitsu on tuesday, I will already have had my last ass-kicking class at Hiram ever too. No more lewd comments that make me laugh, no more getting stabbed in the breast by Brie, no more wicked attack sound effects, no more watching Jason get beaten up on a daily basis, no more flipping and falling around like a nut. But then again, no more breaking toes either, hopefully.

Dave came back finally late last night. It sounds like he had a fantabulous time, but I figure he can tell you all about it if you wanna know. It was his adventure!

Ok, off to talk with Vanessa about leading discussion for today's class--if I don't explode from caffeine before then!

There's a joke in here somewhere. . .



I'm a sucker for a cute picture. This is Heather's new kitten, Heidi, in the arms of the ever-lovable Jonah. Was there ever a kitten that wasn't cute?

I had another one of those dreams last night where Hiram is much bigger and the dorms are constructed of old mansions. In my dream I let a girl do something questionable to me during a party--one of those one-time deals and nothing more was to come of it, and then the next day ResLife INSISTED we have a meeting to discuss tolerance of homosexual activity for my sake. So I told off ResLife and started walking down the road with my adivsor Prudy, for some reason, and man I just never looked back. Thanks again brain. I also dreamt that it was thundering so loud that I woke up--and actually I did wake up, at 6AM on a saturday!!??? Not that natural phenomena ever stopped me from getting back to sleep. . .

I have money now! Justin took me to the bank this morning so that I could cash my Loyola reimbursement check, and we went to Miller's Family Restraunt for brunch---DELICIOUS OMELETTES. He gave me some good advice on car shopping, and I admittedly like his Toyota Echo too. I need a car. Oh well, came back to Hiram and I even did my reading today for Quantum Realities, as well as laying out my 4-8 page paper. I also attempted to plan a trip to look at apartments in Madison. I'd love to make a little road trip out of it, and take my brother Don, age 20, along for the ride. But probably practicality will ruin it all. It always seems to!

Dave comes home tomorrow!!!YAYA!!

When left to their own devices. . .

Well, I learned something about myself tonight. I already knew that getting attention and approval are one of my main drives in life. And this leads to jealousy. Always the jealousy. Inescapable. If a girl does something better than I do, or is prettier than I am, or get's praised for being smarter or any other -er, my chances of liking them are smaller. That is, unless I already adore them.

Take Alice for instance. Defintely a better horn player, definitely better at attracting the attentions and followings of guys. Technically by my code of girl-relationship ethics, I should be waaay too threatened. But I love my Alice.

Tonight I was reminded about this loophole in the jealously clause, at Jiu Jitsu. My long-lost freshman-year friend Emily has taken up the class. Emily is somewhat known for being a heartbreaker, or at least for dating several guys on campus I know for shortish periods of time. She's enthusiastic beyond my abilities, blonde, taller, and MUCH stronger. She walks into class and we're having great fun. But now SHE is the delightful chick who's getting lots of help and attention. Admittedly, she's new and needs help and attention, but of course I'm insecure and get a little tweaked about it. But then I remembered how happy I was to have her in the class, and how much fun it is to see her again, and it just melted. Hugs to Emily.

I'm just so bad at being consistent. Like, I typically go through phases with girls where I deeply hate them, and then suddenly the next week and forever onward they are my best friend. I have issues. But who doesn't?

LATE ADDITION: I just walked back to Henry, and a girl with long, blackish brown hair was sitting at the smoker's bench, puffing away on either cloves or Swisher's Sweets. . . .I thought it was Allison for a second. Allison used to sit right there. But she doesn't anymore. . .

Quiet? Quiet.

After talking out options for a short story with Sam last night, my brain was humming with story ideas and I decided to do some writing myself. It wasn't anything interesting, just placing myself in a given situation and trying to write myself out of it. It made me feel alot better, and I also found that I can perhaps focus my dreams by writing on a topic right before I go to sleep--which would be nice. I slept in till 10AM, took a shower, and cleaned up the room while I waited for Sam to get back from class.

When I went to sleep at around 2AM the night before, Sam still had not decided on a topic for his short story. When I at last ran into him for lunch, he had turned in a 13-page work of fiction titled "Call it Destiny"

"It's not as gay as it sounds" he had assured his classmate John.

If you can imagine combining Pulp Fiction and From Dusk Till Dawn . . .you would have Sam's story, which follows a private investigator who is. . .supernatural, and hunting out answers in an undead world of crime. If you get the chance, I'd say read it, not just because he's my friend, but because it's fast-paced and enjoyable.

My afternoon? Well, still no refund check from Loyola, who had told me around April 28th that I'd be receiving that check "any day now." Grrrrr. I need that money. So I shifted some money that was extra from my payment to Hiram over to the book voucher account. So at least I'll have some accesible cash, in the book store. But at least I finally worked up the nerve to just go ask the business office to do that. I'm a wuss sometimes. Then I fiddled around at WHRM for the afternoon, doing some more apartment searching, which is still frustrating because I can't arrange viewings until I know what my transportation status is, and it will be a 10 hour drive, or a 150 dollar airplane ride each way. It's times like these I am relatively glad my grad school isn't on the west coast--the logistics would be a nightmare.

Dear lord do I miss Dave. I don't have anything to do here (not complaining), so there's not much distracting me from pining for him. And Sam misses Barrie, so our combined mood isn't anywhere near cheery. And then there's graduation.

I took a walk around campus to make notes on what pictures I need to take before I leave. If I get time I'll make an album when I'm home, to give me some closure. If I think about leaving too much, I get panicky. It's all happening too fast. And it's so beautiful here right now. . .if it were winter I'd be happy to leave. I'm wrestling with how to say goodbye, but it's kindof like when Dave and I thought we were absolutely done with one another. I had to come to grips with the fact that things were changing, that I couldn't stay in the life I liked whether I wanted to or not. It's good that I don't have a choice of whether or not I leave Hiram. I mean I do, but I wouldn't want to take it. I am ready to leave, but I'm sad to go.

I can see things are going to be a bit nostalgic and emotional from here on out. . .

haiku: the poetry of uncreative and/or lazy people?

TESTOSTERONE TESTOSTERONE TESTOSTERONE TESTOSTERONE TESTOSTERONE TESTOSTERONE TESTOSTERONE TESTOSTERONE

Jiu Jistu Haiku I

Man, I just don't know
Something about violence
That makes me happy

Jiu Jitsu Haiku II

I love my dear guys
And try not to hit their knees
Or make them sterile

I'm happily watching part II of The Second Renaissance at The Animatrix. Also very cool, though maybe not as disturbing as part one.

I miss Dave, like about a million times over. What a *great* summer this is going to be, let me tell you. But I just have to keep in mind that after it's all over, we will have long amounts of time to hang out together.

I did alot of bitching after the floor meeting last night, and all of today I felt guilty about it. I wish I was better about being mean. I also need to learn that secrets aren't secrets if you tell other people, and I think I was a bit more of a blabbermouth than was advisable. *sigh* what can you do? I just felt bad, because I've been turning over the issue of the lounge in my head for months now, and I'm beginning to think that we'll never see a old-school lounge rebirth, because there isn't much time for it. Really, the new kids don't mind if you come and sit down there, as far as I can tell. It's just that none of us go down there, whether it be because we miss our friends who have graduated, or because maybe these kids aren't our cup of tea, or because we're busy. . .. whatever the case may be, I'm starting to just lose hope. Henry is the summer residence dorm, so nobody is really moving out, and we can't have an "all senior" lounge during senior week. That was really all I was hoping for.

So much to cover! So little time!

Well, yesterday I was cranky/insecure/asleep so I didn't do a very good job of entry-ing. So let's see:

Because Sam works at the movie theatre, I got to go see X-men 2 for free with my best pal on Friday. It was in fact a really great movie--I had low expectations because Sam is an avid comic book fan and felt they were going to shit on all the characters, in a sense. I don't know if they did, but I still enjoyed it totally. It was much bigger budget, which meant it lasted longer and we got to see more mutants. I just love the idea of a mutant academy. . .can't get enough of the idea of school with superpowers adn I'll be the first to admit it. And they didn't wuss out on violence either. . . Wolverine was just as stabby as he should be. And Cyclops was just dorky enough but still cool, and then horribly boy-scoutish all over again, which I enjoy--so cute but so inane! Jean Grey had a weird short, flippy haircut, but I got over it, and Magneto and Mystique made fun of Rogue's hairdo, which was well-deserved ;)

After the movie Dave was working his little bottom off, so Sam and I wandered over to Martin Commons where the springfest folks had left all the sports equipment. So Sam and I played volleyball and frisbee for a good long time, and laughed alot. Trying hard not to dwell on how much I'm going to miss my cohort in evil.

Saturday was so lovely and leisurely. . .I didn't do any work, just wandered around and showered and loafed. Spent a happy evening with Dave, who actually asked to watch more of my first season of Buffy! Whether he's just trying to get used to the show, or actually enjoys it . . . who knows, but it makes me happy!

I'm still amazed at how many levels of hell I apparently am lined up for. Hmmmm

Well, Dave is now currently on his trip to Silicon Valley. He didn't really seem to want to go, but I hope he has a good time. I'm still envious because it's CALIFORNIA. . . my state of birth. And the food will be so fresh and delicious, the weather dreamy. . . and he's going to see San Francisco before I do. BAH!

Class is. .. not all that thrilling, but only because we're wading through some physics stuff. I wrote a 4 page paper in an hour. How awesome is that?


I know I'm getting old and cranky: apparently the neoloungites think they are "so friendly and open and the most sociable group in Henry"

Oh you silly people! Seriously, you really shouldn't get so warm and fuzzy superior just because you socialize with everyone in your group. People aren't socializing with you because they don't typically want to. There are about five million of you and the majority of you are immature. We're hermits because we don't want to hang out in the lounge with you. "Our loss" you can say, and I don't care. I'm allowed to be cranky this year, and I'm itching for a fight, even if I broke my toe in Jiu jitsu. . . it's an amazing array of colors spreading up from my baby toe, and I take some odd pleasure in that.

I guess you should watch out?

Man, I'm starting to think that partaking of alchohol on this campus DOES make me rather cranky. I had disturbing dreams last night--after drinking a little--about being on a commercial whaling vessel out in the ocean.

I was a little boy with a green stone in one pocket. There were all these dying sharks and whales on the deck, and the fishermen pushed me out with them into the ocean, and then they came through with a whirling blade on a second ship, passing back and forth to cut us to pieces. Every time the blade came by, I would dive deep into the water. . . it was nice down there, quiet and safe. I'd stay there, and then come back up and wait to dodge the next run-through. But eventually they got smarter, and went more slowly so that I had to stay underwater longer. Somehow, I swam around the boat and got back on deck, and I was safe.

I slept all afternoon. Dave seems worried about me, probably because I just feel weird and am likely acting weird. My moods, bleh. I'm ok though, just needed some extra rest. Now I'm still cranky, but *here*. And Jiu Jitsu should be fun, because Gail is testing for her green belt!

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Second Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Very Low
Level 2 (Lustful)	Very High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	High
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	High
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	High
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Moderate
Level 7 (Violent)	High
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Very High
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	High

Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test