Back to Madison. . .

Oh, it's time to go back. Keepin' it short because I need to get a little sleep before I head out.

It's weird, how life seems to be so parallel universe here in WV. Like I am still independant fantastic Amber, but I'm living my WV life instead of my WI life. A whole different range of friends and places. But I'm getting tired. It's getting all far too nostaligic and meditative for me. I'm not centered here. And admittedly, I miss Dave alot. I've gotten to run around Wheeling with my friends as psuedo-single Amber, and I've had great fun and enjoyed everybody's company. . . but nobody is Dave. He really is my significant other.

Ok, before I get uber mushy: I hope you all have the happiest of New Years--I'm excited I'll actually get to smooch Dave this year when the ball drops--that's a first for us!

Sketches of Being Home

Oh hell, alot has happened in the last couple of days, and like always I let them build up and then can't possibly cover them all in the blog. Besides, I'm really not sure anyone could wade through them all if I did. So I thought, ok Amber, let's just throw up the 1-2 sentence thoughts that have been skimming through, and at least you'll have something to start with. So, here it is:

Fell down the stairs today, and I'm blaming it on the kitten even though it was probably more my sexy new boots I got for christmas. It's a funny thing when you fall, because it goes so much slower than normal time and yet you can't seem to stop what you're doing. You feel. every. bump, including the one where you bounce your head off a wooden post and just lay there amazed and crumpled at the bottom of the steps.

Been spending alot of time out with the friends from highschool. Some of them I've known since kindergarten, but even the highschool-originated ones are far enough back in my memory that it's all nostalgic. All those memories getting farther and farther away, but hanging out with them brings them back, sometimes in suprising ways.

There's something about Eat n' Park that makes you laugh till it hurts when you're there with friends.

I love second-hand smoke. I love breathing it in for free.

I also am enjoying the blisters my new boots are causing. It's amazing how those little bubbles of water form without you doing anything to will them so, and they burn and scrape just enough that you can get some sort of masochistic happiness out of it, because they are now really YOUR boots, and they'll fit you perfectly some day.

The boots make heavy clunking noises when I walk--I feel like a superhero.

Depression sometimes seems like a luxury--When I have the time to be depressed, I'm usually depressed for awhile, whereas when I'm busy I don't have time to be depressed. Of course then it waits for the vacation. But really, not depressed right now.

Sometimes in life you have to just close your eyes and walk. I have no idea where life is going right now. It's busy and interesting and rewarding. . . and i'm taking it one breath at a time. Trusting God, or whoever.

I made it!

Made it all the way to West Virginia, on my own, in my own car. Don, my brother, is the coolest.

December 18th Collage

The key to happiness in life is not money or power or looks or intelligence: it is friends. Friends make life worth living, especially when it's so cold and lonely outside. I can never thank any of them as much as they deserve for all the help they've been giving me. I went over to Rhett & Jeremy's and ate a huge slice of chocolate cake. But I feel better, but sometimes I still just want to throw up, or collapse. I need strength.

It was one of those classic scenes at the airport where one says goodbye to the other and there are kisses and tears welling up and strong smiles.

All the christmas presents I bought are in my car, including a life-size cardboard cutout of Legolas, for my cousin.

"It's for my cousin, I swear" I told the guys at the comic book store. The friendlier one laughed and they offerred me a mint hershey's kiss from the candy jar.

Saturday I go home. I've bought three CD's and an audio book. First big trip all on my own ever.

Things do, in fact, work out ok

Ohhhh, I have had some crappy moments lately. I've mentioned the worst of them already. it's kindof a hard week, just emotionally, but on top of that I realized yesterday that it was my last day of classes, and I didn't have any finals. THAT was cool, but also a little disturbing.

Pretty anticlimatic really.

There has been plenty of drama at school this week. A HUGE case of plagiarism in one of my classes, that's semi-hush-hush. Everyone is trying to figure out what lab they are going to work in for the rest of their time here (approx 5-6 years). See, this is how it works: you arrive bright and shiny at orientation week, and then have to do a minimum of 3 1-month rotations with different labs, where you get a little project and you work and see if you like the lab, and the lab sees if they like you. Looking back on it, I'm glad I always had a lab to go to (Ned's) because I don't think I did a very good job of working my ass off and making super-friendly with the people in the lab, in the hopes of them choosing you over another rotator. First off, I refuse to burn myself out. I'll go slow if I need to, but I'm not going to come in at 8AM, go home for dinner and come back till 10PM. Thankfully, none of my labs have seemed to ask that. But other people's have.

It will make you crazy, working your ass off and then not being sure if the lab will choose you. But some folks don't have any other choice--they want in to labs that are popular, and you have to compete with the other first years. . . I've avoided this stressfulness by joining Ned's lab, BUT I still feel how hard it is for my friends. And being already settled means I'm not very good for consoling people. It's going to work out for everyone, but in the meantime, it's a rough time for them.

Fortunately, it looks like fate has smiled upon Dave. I got home early yesterday and he came in all dressed up in the sexy business suit--we know where he'd been! Talking to the guy behind the voice on the answering machine that holds the promise of work in das computers yah. Honestly, Dave was starting to act a bit strangely before that. . . I think the work at Stop n' Go was finally getting to him. This new stuff sounds promising, and I got to joke him that he'd move from working in "CLERKS" to working in "OFFICE SPACE." I envy him a bit--getting to try all different kinds of job while I trudge faithfully down my looooong microbiology career track. But I love what I do, and I love who I'm becoming. At least sometimes.

We had a nice date thursday night--hadn't really spent much quality time together for some time, it felt like. And I finally got up my nerve to say that one of the poems he's been writing had bugged me more than just a bit. What's important about this is that I actually told him, instead of just stewing away at it FOREVER. He explained who the poem was about and why, and it wasn't so scary. I've been with myself long enough to know some of my weaknesses and needs, and in relationships I just need to feel that I'm the best of all the girls. Simple, no? heh, I know. Even wanting to feel sexy stems back to it. I don't mind hearing another girl hit on Dave, or that he thinks a girl is pretty, as long as I get a little reassurance that I'm better than that girl. I need to keep in mind that Dave's here, living with me--and not some other girl. I try, but it isn't easy. I'm insecure, and I'll admit that. I don't need someone sending me love letters every day or mooning over me constantly. I just need to know that I'm wanted and loved.

I'm not sure I'm doing such a good job on my end of the relationship, so having let Dave know what I need, I should start thinking about other people. I type it here, so now it has to happen.

Don't know what I'm doing for x-mas break. I kindof want to drive home, but I'm bummed to do it all by myself. Dave is flying home to see his family. that's a whole other issue, but I'm tired of typing. This entry is too huge already.

Another thing I always like about Buffy. . .

Was that every time she underwent some huge trial or life change--she'd get a new hairdo. What was better was that you couldn't tell if the hairdo made her change, or her change made her get a new hairdo.

That's my thought for today. I was feeling piiiiisss poor this morning. I mean, crying and wanting to beat up something yucky--and it's highly likely that's just evil lunar hormones. Anyway, I spent an appalling 3/4 of the day feeling like this. I wrote angry little paper journal entries, swore muchly at traffic. . . it just wasn't good.

At the end of the day, I got in my car and set out to find my hair salon for my 6:30 appointment, and it took I think 3 passes on Regent Street to finally find a place to park my car, walk back, and find the darn place! I had a little extra time, so I went and grabbed a sub at Subway--scarfed it down without worrying about how much dressing was probably sliming my face. Then back across the street to Cinema Hair (what a name eh?). Walked in the door.

The place smelled sooo good. Everyone was well-dressed, and the rest room was chock full of scented candles. . . .

Long story short: Chelley took 7-8 inches off my hair, but not before giving me a scalp massage with rose oil and asking me if I wanted anything to drink. I don't know, it sounds rather silly, but it was a strong step up from all my other salon experiences. At first, I wasn't really all that impressed with my final haircut--but then she snipped a bit here and there and it took shape--I have little side bangs now, and it's all shoulder length. My hair is all cleaned up and freeeeee!!!

I went to Copps, feelin fine, and bought a little miniature pinetree/xmas tree, and then went NUTS at the dollar store on christmas decorations. And I feel much better. Although now I dont' wanna do my homework :(

Isn't life funny that way?

It's weird how you can go a month where nothing much of anything happens, and then in the course of three days your life changes drastically? Well, I guess life can't drastically change over a month--then it would be a gradual change. . .but still.

I think it was wednesday that I just got up the guts and e-mailed Ned to say I'd like to join his lab. I'd kindof known it in my gut for some time that it was still where I wanted to go to do my thesis work, but I really wanted to give all my internships a fair chance. I've been having a fantabulous time in my last lab, but I still want to work on my glowin' bacteria. So I e-mailed him.

On thursday, he e-mailed me back to tell me he was delighted that I had decided to join, and that he'd be in madison the next day and that we should get together and chat a bit about the future.

On friday, I was late getting in because I couldn't find anything I wanted to wear, but I made it to lab eventually. I had a talk with Laura (my current PI) to let her know about my decision. I was pretty horribly not poised and stuttered alot, because I wasn't sure how socially kosher it was to have decided, and I just get nervous generally all the time. But Laura had apparently figured that was where I was going all along, so it wasn't a big deal--her lab is going to be backed anywho.

I met with Ned later that afternoon, and we chatted about what seems now like a milllllion things. There are all kinds of exciting opportunities coming, all sorts of interesting work to do, and lots of big and important things to think about now. The part of the talk I remember the most was where he told me I could be a Principle Investigator someday, and that if he thought I wasn't capable of it, he wouldn't have asked me to join his lab. He said he didn't know how to teach students who weren't intelligent and highly motivated. Some moments in life are just sooo good like this, in between all the moments where you think you're fucking up and you've just faked your way into the midst of all these really gifted people, and someday they're going to find out you're just really good at memorizing things and pretending you understand. It's the rare moments like this that keep you from just quitting.

Saturday has been weird, because I had a weird dream last night. I was in a big dining hall full of people, and Sam came in and I gave him a big hug and told him how much I missed him. He gave me a video which turned out to have these four chicks singing on it? I just remember feeling all teary. I know I miss Sam, but it was just one of those dreams where you wake up feeling like you've talked to them, and it makes you miss them just a little bit more.

Oh, so other than getting compliments and having weird dreams about Sam's music videos, life is just going on, and I don't have anyone's christmas presents ready, but that's not too different from any other year (present-wise).

In other news, I finally got my ass in gear and made a hair appointment, so who knows what fetching new do' I'll come back with. One of my grad-friends recommended this lady, and it's an Aveda place, so hopefully this will end well . . .

I am a big fat copy cat

This is a quiz from Alice's site, but I like it too, so there bitches.

What is
[in your head]: "All-star" from Shrek?!
[in your mouth]: harvest blend juice, and hopefully coffee soon
[on your bed]: Dave :) and martha stewart red paisley comforter set
[in your closet]: many clothes, but the greater percentage of them are on the floor
[in your heart]: I wish I could go back to bed, instead I have to go to school :(

Would you rather
[Be famous and misunderstood, or loved and forgotten?] Probably loved and forgotten, *sigh*

[Have to do the same thing twice or leave mistakes be?] leave mistakes be--I don't like revisiting mistakes
[Be rich and popular or poor and happy?] poor and happy. . . but as long as that meant safe and healthy too
[Be beautiful or smart?] I'd love to just be beautiful, but it won't last no matter how great your genes are. So, smart it is--although that doesn't always last either.
[Be all-powerful or all-knowing?] all-knowing. I think that's power in itself, and then people aren't bugging you all the time.
[Have the power to ruin everyone you hate, or the power to make life blissful for everyone you love?] oh geesh, I'm not evil enough to pick the power to ruin--besides, there are alot more people I love than people I hate.
[Find a cure for cancer or solve faster than light travel?] Damnit, I'd go for FTL travel, but I don't want to die of cancer either. . . STILL maybe we'd discover other planets that had the cure for cancer, so I say FTL travel.

If you could
[Be any disney villian]: Definitely melleficent is the most evil and fun, but Ursula is also good times. I'd be their daughter if they had one.
[Have any super power]: Shape shifting OR slayer power
[Have a doctorate in]: heh, Microbiology I guess, although it would be cool to have one in fashion design or something crazy artistic like that.
[Speak any language]: Mandarin Chinese
[Go back and change one thing]: Date more people in highschool instead of clinging to one boyfriend!

Famous/Historic/Legendary people
[Meet]: Cleopatra and Catherine the Great
[Speak with]: Joss Whedon (I'm a dork, I'm a buffy dork)
[Understand]: Buddha
[Have sex with]: those hot Mariachi's (Antonio and Enrique . . . and that other guy?)
[Fight]: cripes, I don't really want to fight anybody in history in particular.
[Be descended from]: Jesus or some holy figure
[Be]: Madonna
[Marry]: Dude, I wouldn't marry any of them. it would be a hassle to be with famous/historic/legendary people for life.

Do you believe in
[angels?]
[demons?]
[faeries?]
[aliens?]
I believe that people see strange things and call them these things above. Frankly, I believe that strange things exist, although they might be stranger than one people call them.
[soulmates?] yes, I do, although I believe that there are many people who you may just have such an affinity for--why would your soul match one and one soul only?
[soul-enemies?] Naaaahh. Life's too short to hate people from other lives or whatnot.


as for thanksgiving

It was awesome, the new kitten at home is adorable, and I made it safely back and forth on greyhound, and met some. . .interesting people who insisted on talking to me. Oh well. Life is ok--crazy since the end of the semester approaches, but ok.