Nightcap

Well, last night in Wheeling. Dad got back this evening from some sort of expo down south of here, where he go to show off his biodiesel project. Sounds like it went well, and the house seems less empty when both mom and dad are home.

I got to borrow the cadillac today from Grandpa Garvin, after having some of his homemade chili for lunch and consulting him on the stock market. Once I was able to adjust the automatic seat to fit my short legs, I cruised out to the Ohio Valley Mall, where I pretended to have enough money to buy 400 thread count sheets for my bed. I didn't know they made 400 count, but DAMN are they heavenly. And DAMN are they expensive. Looks like 280 for my new bed setup.

The mall was pretty quiet on a thursday afternoon, so it was in fact a rather lonely trip. At 3:30PM, I came home, picked mom up from work, and got to the house in time to get mom's requests for my evening apparel (I humor her) and take Liz out for dinner at Undo's in Elm Grove. Undo's is a sort of local chain of mid-scale Family Italian Restraunts. I got Wedding Soup Linguine, and it was DELECTABLE. Liz and I spent alot of time paralleling her recent breakup to a highschool boyfriend (who doesn't deserve her) with my highschool breakup with Dave K. I had forgotten how public a breakup is in highschool--everyone knows about it, and everyone takes sides.

Of all the things I've experienced on this trip home, the greatest has been hanging out with my younger sister. Liz and I have shopped for dresses, chased the dog around the yard, and shared frustrations with highschool friends and mom's insistence that we wear fancy dresses to her preschool graduation program. She's grown in to a beautiful, down-to-earth young lady who takes very little B.S. but still keeps things rather whimsical (she's an Aquarius, no doubt). I wish I could spend more time with her, even if it was just to borrow more of her clothes.

So here I am, ready to come home. Funny how home changes from where you grew up to where you live? Not suprising, though.

As a sidenote: the new Peter Pan movie (liveaction) is REALLY REALLY FREAKING GOOD. So fun, so cute, so beautiful--even a little acknowledgement to pre-adult sexual tension. Makes up for what Disney and Robin Williams did to the story. Wendy was cast superbly. My favorite part is the mermaids, which are legitimately unsettling but beautiful. GO WATCH IT.

Maybe being home doesn't have to suck

I don't know. . .if you've read this often-obtuse weblog of mine, you've probably noticed that me going home correlates with an increased level of depression, boredom, and thoughtfulness. I myself was pretty sure that with mom, dad, Liz, and Don not home during schooldays for a week, I'd quickly achieve all three of those conditions.

But in all actuality, the combination of monday and tuesday that I myself have experienced has rocked alot, and been generally a fulfilling vacation from life as I know it.

A good portion of this I need to thank my pal Jonah for, since he was nice enough to drive me down to Morgantown, WV (home of West Virgina University). Thank you so very much Jonahbug!! I got to spend the evening with several good friends from highschool, and witnessed many adventures, including:

1)seeing StephSteph take her first shot of tequila, after we assured her it was NOT in fact the liquor Dave K. took a shot of and immediately threw up from--even though it was.

2)visitations to bars: Kegglers and Bent Willie's (I've been hearing about Bent Willie/y's for years and yet had never gone there before).

3)Two beers, two shots of tequila, and another tall frosty glass of beer make for a fantastic evening (drunken Amber time!)

4)Getting hit on by drunken med students, who obviously think I'm hot because I'm a scientist (and they are totally right).

6)Inevitably making friends with Drunken Med Student and his friend who works at Bob Evans. They were super cool and insist that Jonah and I (or maybe just Jonah) give them a call whenever we're in Mo-town.

5)Making a drunken phone call to Ben in the girl's restroom to say hello!

6)Passing out and sleeping in till noon, not having to worry about driving anywhere or planning anything.

All in all, it was suprisingly de-stressing to just be someone else's guest and not be in charge of where to go or what to do for the evening, and in general being an excuse to go out places. Morgantown is actually a pretty fun place in the short term, and I hope to someday go back down and see more of what it has to offer. I came home today all glowy happy for getting to see alot of old friends and have a merry night on the town. And then I found out Alice called me and that made it even more awesome!

I feel really blessed & blissed, so I'm trying to send out all my good vibes to everyone else. Tomorrow I'm booked to go hang out with Chris and perhaps try some sort of legendary wing place, maybe. I'm also going to try to borrow Grandpa Garvin's caddillac on Thursday and perhaps wander the mall, pretending I life in the Ohio Valley and have money to spend. Also on the slate is finding Sprite's artwork that he let me have, because my house seems to have swallowed it up, and I'd really like to get it displayed in my room back in Madison. Wish me luck on THAT mission (might involve fighting spiders underneath the steps!) and I'll see some of you soon!

I didn't know the bride when she used to rock n' roll

So, as you may or may not know, I am in West Virginia for the week. I arrived LATE on friday, and I'll go back to Madison this follwing Friday.

WV is swampy right now. So very much hotter than Wisconsin seems capable of, but maybe even more lush and lovely. Being home is always surreal, but at least this time it's an attractive sort of dreaminess, what with all the things blooming and people graduating and marrying.

And that was part of the reason for being home this week. One of the girls I've known since kindergarten sunday school, Krissy, got married yesterday. After all the dramatic weather of Friday, Saturday was calm enough to have the ceremony outside at Oglebay Park--Same place I had my prom pictures taken way back when. It's all richly landscaped and rolling hills and such. A beautiful wedding dress, a beautiful wedding.

I'm not going to lie and say that it wasn't hard to see someone close to my age get married. I'm also not going to jump into heavy-handed comparisons between me: an ex-fiancee, and her: a blissfully happy bride. You can imagine how it was for me, and so why wade you through it? My mom's friends made sure to come over and tell me they were all proud of me and my decision, and that was strengthening.

I've spent the last two days wearing alot of skirts and heels, which has been strange--a combination of weddings and church services. I went dress-shopping with my sister and my mother yesterday, and I was just amazed to be shopping for Liz. We wear the same size now, and she's just beyond beautiful. Suddenly I have this sister who is 5'8" with dark blonde hair and blue eyes, and a tan I'm contiually envious of. Everyone tells her how stunning and tall and lovely she is, and so I take it as a compliment when they accidentally call ME Liz. Time goes by even faster when you have younger siblings.

Am I happy to be home? In some ways yes. It's beautiful out, everyone seems happy to see me, and I have no work to possibly do. But when you've spent so many years in one place, it gets haunted. Doesn't everyone have somewhere like that in their lives? There are so many memories wedged in between the trees and the faces of old school friends--it's a little unnerving. This never seems like a place I want to stay for long, and it makes me miss my new life and the person I am there. But I'm not sad, or upset to be here. Just unsettled in sometimes pleasing and othertime uncomfortable ways.

If you should want to get a hold of me, call me on the cell phone which has an area code 608 then there is those next three digits 469 and then finally 8083.

Craving

It's been a weird week. I turned in my final paper on monday (chances are it was the last paper to be turned in, but I would much rather turn in a good paper than an early less-lovely one). So suddenly I'm not experiencing that general, looming worry that something is due sometime and I should be working on it. The weather has remained heavy and hot, breaking into tons of rain at times--makes me want to do anything but work. And I've had huge cravings for red meat. That part weirds me out a bit, because I'm not a big red meat eater. Raw fish, yesssss, (oh god yes!) but raw hamburger has never looked more appealing. Strange isn't it? I've been fighting headaches and tiredness, so I'm thinking maybe I'm somehow dehydrated and craving salty things to retain moisture. . .or something.

This can't possibly be an intriguing entry, but then again, if I started writing things to be intriguing, it would be sillier than it already is.

I also find myself fixated on picking out new bedding for my bed. I've got my heart set on neutral tones, like a cococa or taupe, because my next bedroom is a little smallish (although it has a FANTASTIC porch!!) so I don't want crazy patterns to overwhelm the space.

I think maybe I've been watching too much TLC and Food Network. . .maybe that's it. . .

The Required Depressive Sunday Post

It's really quite a tradition I'm establishing here--maybe because once we hit summer break (tomorrow) there will be no more sundays. Every day will be equally viable for research and there will be no classes to muddle with that. No late night homework assignments to complete. No paper to write (I am writing the final one today, for my Microbial Interactions class on "Why Streptococci are pioneers of our Dental Biofilms."

Don't worry, this is only a working title. It lacks a certain something.

There is something about May that always makes the days feel weighted with importance. Maybe it's because ever year of my life from preschool until grad school has marked May as the end of classes. It seems more powerful a marking of time passing than New Year's Eve. It is always chock full of endings and release. And really this May will claim to be the same.

First off, I've survived a school year at Madison. I've made it through the sometimes bleak winter. I've kept my car, my apartment, my health. Sometimes when I'm driving around I just marvel at how little I depend on anything other than myself (and my stipend) now. It's the same feeling as when I jumped into the pool at four thinking I had my swim floaties on, only to realize--when mom called out "YOU'RE SWIMMING AMBER!!" that I was swimming without floaties.

Seriously, this is no-floaties Amber. Dave's family came in this weekend, and aside from drying off in the bedroom post-shower while they came in to the apartment for five minutes, I had no contact with them. On one side, that's a relief. I don't want to be there to remind of them of sad things, when they should be so happy to see their son. On the other side, I was kindof sad not to see them. I got engaged to Dave knowing that I loved his family, and would be happy to be a part of it. Sometimes it really hurts to be reminded of how sure you were of things, when now you realized they will never come to be.

In general, I'm happy Dave's moving out in June. It will be good to have my own apartment--and my own bed--again. I'll be able to have friends over to watch movies and play video games. I can come in at 4AM and not feel bad about waking him up. But I'd be a huge, blindingly ridiculous liar if I said I wasn't going to be sad to see him go. The enormity of that day is larger than overwhelming. I know we made the right decision. But it doesn't always make it easier.

Well, I can honestly say I wish I was shopping today, instead of forcing myself to sit down an write a paper. It's one of my favorite brands of weather: heavy, hot, and humid. It reminds me of Florida and Malaysia. The air is so heavy and calm--it's comforting. Hope all of you enjoy it--I'm going to try!

It's a full moon again!!!

Apparently, it's the flower moon on May 4th! Personally, I find full moons undeniably lovely--although I also feel bad for being safe and quiet indoors when I may owe it to the moon to go run around outside and look at it waaay too much.

Monday was, well, lovely though quiet. Although really I'm equating quiet with low stress. My microbial interactions class was thoroughly enjoyable, my work is lab appears to be successful, andI got to go home, clean up the apartment and chat with Dave, attend my ridiculously short microscopy lab, and then play Gladius with Ben and friend Matt on the X-box. Then it was a pleasant, thoughtful drive home to the apartment with Weezer's "Island in the Sun" playing on the radio, with the fullish moon peakin' through the trees.

So, you know, when you're driving alone you tend to space out and get all philosophical/contemplative on yourself. Lately, I find I get topics for the day that I want to meditate on--there are things I want to savor and turn over and over in my mind to see every part of it. And tonight's inside-brain topic was the overall concept of being drunk/high/loved. It's this state of mind that you don't really know much about until you're plopped into it, and sometimes before you get there you expend a lot of effort trying to figure out if you're "there" yet. Like drinking and drinking and wondering just how drunk can you get and how will you act when you have reached this point? Wondering if you're high because you're excited or really and truly actually high, when you dont' know what high feels like.

And of course, there's that pesky topic of love, where you spend inordinate amounts of time wondering if in fact you are in love, and whether you can feel more in love than this, and not knowing how you'll truly act at any stage of your love. But unlike the effects of drugs, getting to love never feels the same way twice. So it's the same story all over again.

I must emphasize this isn't really following how I feel now (that's private, fool!) It's just something I am amazed about. I've fallen in love before, and looking back it was never the same. Mainly I've just got this feeling of euphoria today, having done alot of good and fun things, as well as finding out my brother is coming up with Mom and Debbie in July to visit me, and apparently Jason and Marybeth are coming into town around that time as well. Furthermore, Dave's family is coming up this weekend--they are nice folk! And I'm trying to arrange a trip home for a wedding, and I've got friends who want to meet up with me there. . .I DO feel loved. And that's something to be damn thankful for.

Happy Flower Moon!

Brain Cells? What brain cells?

So, this is the second portion of the weekend installment of the "MayDay Weekend" very special episode of Amber's weblog.

When we last heard from me, I was on my way over to the Mifflin Block Party. Having never been to anything even closely resembling a block party (except maybe the McMechen Street Fair, which was of course more of a fair and less of a party), I was not at all sure what to expect. While in lab, typing the prior weblog entry, I had managed to arrange a meeting place for finding Ben--I would walk over from my lab building on the west side of campus, through the center and eastern portions of campus, and then on to Bedford Street to the Greyhound Station, where I would call Ben and regardless of whether or not he could hear me in whatever party he was in, he would know to come to the station for me.

Does anyone remember a short cartoon that used to run on Sesame Street when we were young that involved a young boy going on a journey and kindof getting lost in this strange, trippy world? The boy went on a walk, and the houses and people started off normal. But the farther away from home he got, the more strange and unusual things leaked into his line of sight. Aaaand, basically, this was how my walk from SMI to Mifflin Block Party progressed. Saturday evening on the ag/science side of campus was peaceful, but slowly--as I approached State Street--I'd see a person here or there wearing beads, and students stumbling in ever-increasing groups.

And then I hit the ground-zero blast-zone that was The Mifflin Block. Just hordes and hordes of people wandering around with plastic cups, the police looking very unhappy to have to be there, and pretty much just unrefined chaos all over. People pissing on building walls. Everyone yelling stuff at everyone else. My personal favorite for me was a group of guys on a balcony, one of which exclaimed "THAT is a nice rack!"

ok, so it's not the most well-crafted compliment I've ever received, but I have decided to be proud of it. And also tell everyone I know. Because I'm proud to own a complimentable rack.

Once I found the Ben I was looking for, it was time for the rest of the evening. This included picking up some cheeseburgers, playing a Seinfeld drinking game, and eventually going out to find a dance party. This required walking back out to sortof where we were before, and then finding the correct house. Outside, a couple of guys--including someone dressed up as a side of fries--were setting off firecrackers. We weren't inside for long when the cops showed up (due to the firing of firecrackers) and we were all asked to leave.

As a pack of people, we moved back to campus to Langdon Street for a replacement party, in someone's apartment. Now, a house can easily fit a pack of people. An apartment has much more trouble accomplishing the same task. The hostess insisted her neighbors were "very cool" so we all made due crammed in.

One of the many good things about knowing Ben (the gooshy stuff is not going to make it on here) is that he's let me tag along with him to many parties and such around campus, and I've made alot of new and interesting friendlike beings. This has also helped me to improve my "meet and talk to strangers" skill significantly. I don't know what I've always been so afraid of. Mainly, people are happy to talk to people if they are interested, and happy to recognize you at another party. It is a good feeling, to feel more connected to where you are. Knowing people is good. My brain is sleepy. ehhhh.

At the crowded apartment party, I made really good friends with an art major from Chicago named Janice, who specialized in print-making. She was very passionately respectful of scientists, and I am very passionately respectful of artists (especially when drunk) so we hit it right off.

By the end of the evening, I was completely woozy and ready to go home. Of note is the fac that the fountain near library mall was on, and it was really beautiful. Ben tried to feed me saltine crackers and I could only eat one, and I woke up this morning with crackers all over the bed and floor. I am rather proud of this fact too, that I had such a good saturday night that I could wake up so keenly disheveled at 3PM on Sunday. I spent the rest of Sunday just enjoying the company I had, and running a few errands. The evening was capped off by a Perkins run, and now here I am. What will this week bring?

My liver probably doesn't ever say TGIF

Goodness, my friday daytime was a whirlwind of labwork. I went out to lunch with my lab, which was really a high point--we (so far) all get along quite swimmingly. I finally managed to complete this growth media I've been working on for a couple weeks. It was one of those projects that require making lots of ingredients from ingredients from ingredients, which makes it look like you could whip up a batch in a day when in fact you've got many long days of reagent making ahead.

Anyway.

I roped Sharon and Sarah into pouring my petri plates for me while I frantically finished up mixing things, and then we were off in the cars with Roger and Andy, headed for The Great Dane, for a recruitmen weekend appreciation dinner for all those who helped with the recruitment season.

"Open Bar Dude!!!" yelled Rhett over the cell phone. And that pretty much sums it up.

What DO you do when you find yourself in front of a well-stocked and well-staffed bar and everything is free? Drink yourself silly, that's what. My drinks for the evening were as follows:

1)Vanilla Stoli and Orange Juice (at the recommendation of Jonah (micro Jonah, not highschool Jonah)--this drink tasted like a dreamsicle!)
2)Midori Sour (at the past recommendation of Cheryl, the post doc I lived with for part of my original hawaii adventure)
-->this drink was by far the most delicious drink I think I've ever had. Maybe girly, but really, who cares?
3)lemon drop shot
4)prarie fire shot (DELICIOUS!!! tequila and tabasco sauce are gooooood!)
5)random beer with Roger and Rhett and Jeremy
6)random shot I can't remember
7) Malibu and Pineapple with my dear personal bartender Andy

at this point, I was really quite done for the evening. Happy, but not plastered. . . and then came the Goldschlager (sp?) shot. Yes, the cinammonny golden-flecked drink was tasty, but it did me in and did me in again. That's the trouble with shots--they sneak up on you. You think you're just fine, and then you realize no, you really are not. And Goldschalger is a strong drink indeed.

But I wasn't badly done in, just silly silly silly. And back to my usual "let's hug everyone!" mentality. But fortunately, a great percentage of the people there were also of the same level of drunkery. I still think it's amazing when you realize how many fine and dynamic minds there are at a microbiology gathering, and then to have them all drinking and being merry? Just lovely!

The rest of the evening followed with transporting a VERY happy Jeremy and also a Roger home, and then driving off to the Cardinal with Andy, Sarah, and Eric for 80's night. I am continually impressed at my ablility to be thoroughly sloshed but still dance maybe even better than I do sober (except for turns). I even perfected some dips!!

After becoming thoroughly tired out, Eric drove us back to Sarah's house, and Andy, Eric, Sarah, and myself took a midnight hike through the nearby park/mountainbike trail. It was sooo lovely and creepy and calm out there! I miss the woods sometimes--given that my house in WV is somewhat surrounded by them. Although I must admit that woods scare me a little, just in equal measure to how lovely I find them. Eventually we found our way back home and I was declared not legal for driving, and therefore I slept over at Sarah's. SLEEP OVER!!!! YAY!!!

We got to have one of those long late-night chats that go on far longer than they should and involve girlish giggling.

What continues to amaze me is that people think I am cool. I'm still finding it hard to convince myself that I'm something other than too pale, too weird, too curvy, too much of too many things that I think should make me uncool. Like my utter lack of memory of american history and government, and my tendency to watch music videos for hours for fun. But I know that these things can be cool. I think the trouble I have is that I keep thinking that being cool should come with all sorts of benefits like guys throwing themselves at you (mainly that one), and being invited to tons of things and. .. well ok, I do get invited to stuff and I do have grand friends and at least the guys on Okcupid.com are always throwin' lines my way. So I guess I have no argument. And now I'm gonna run away to the Mifflin Block Party. goodbye!