THE STRANGE DAY THAT IS FRIDAY

I woke up this morning, during the hustle and bustle of getting-ready-for-school-traffic, with greatly displeasing pain in my lower abomen. There are days I rue being a girl, and this is always one of those days. I believe Alice described this monthly sensation as "having a grapefruit peeled from inside your stomach," which seems about right. It is legitimately a big pile of sucky pain which makes me feel quite ill and cranky. In a haze of sleep and pain, I began wandering the house in search of pain killers, shuffled into the kitchen raising my finger to ask for help just in time to see mom rush out the door.

well shit.

Eventually, after moving in slow bewildered circles for awhile, I found the ibuprofen, took it, and then went back to the couch to wait for the nauseating spasms to dull away. Spent about a half an hour wishing for someone to rub my back.

Well shit.

What happened after that? I SLEPT SOME MORE. I dreamt that dinosaurs were invading WV (a very common dream of mine) and I had to lead all these people to safety. I like those kinds of dreams, where I'm in charge and people look to me for guidance. It's always been a fantasy of mine. Queen Amber! Chief Amber!

Other than the aforemnetioned, today was a nice day. I got to go out for Chinese food to celebrate my sister's good test grades. Dad took us to the new tractor supply store to marvel at welding helmets, compare ridiculous brand names for chainsaws, and fence with magnetic sticks. Got home to find mom had gotten the afternoon off and wanted to go SHOPPING!! Yeah! So we went to get a wedding present for our family friend Anne Warfield--another wedding! This Saturday! We ran into Barb, who is mom's friend and mine too. We had fun running around the mall together, and chatted awhile about a psychic reading mom is going to go to next week I think. There are alot of strange and rather authenticating stories about this psychic, who relays messages from the dead to the living. Mom is nervous as she's afraid that there will be a warning about her consultation at Cleveland Clinic this week. I hope instead that it's an affirming experience. *crosses fingers*

As time has gone on, my own belief in the whole "sixth sense" concept has grown slowly. My mother's mother, Grandma Garvin, could somehow reliably predict who she'd run into during her daily errands. Both she and mom have had prescient dreams. Ach, I'm sure it sounds a bit hokey. Mom and I had a long talk about those who have passed on, and how sometimes after a close friend or relative had died, Mom had seen them once or twice, just out of the corner of her eye. Aside from contact with the dead, there is the day-to-day sort of intuition that I see so often. Mom and I can talk in less than half sentences, usually without realizing it. Mom regularly reads my mind. . . which is unnerving when i think about what I sometimes think about.

There have been only a few times I've actually read anyone's mind. Actually, there's only one person I can think of that I have, and they know who they are. But really, it's nothing spectacular. It only happens when I totally blank out (which usually only happens when I'm actually trying to think). The key really is to think of "nothing." And really it seems to be just an extension of being in tune with someone enough to pick them up. My long-lost friend Jeanette and I could finish eachother's sentences after a week of 4-H camp. I think it's just part of being human.

All in all, the conversation kinda creeped me out a bit. And on top of that, today the fierce storm that whipped through collapsed a building at Kennywood Amusement Park--only one death so far. But Sherrard Elementary School (where I used to go) had sponsored their 6th grade trip there today. I hope they're ok. This is a vicious year, and it continues to claim folks near and dear to my community. I'll be glad when it's over.

MY BROTHER, THE HIGHSCHOOL GRADUATE

Today started with a lovely school picnic at Wheeling Park, complete with delicous pot-luck lunch. I am currently of the opinion that
pot-luck = delicous meal.
In fact, when I saw "Father of the Bride" and Steve Martin dreamed of a backyard wedding reception complete with pot-luck dinner. . .. I smiled and sighed. DELICOUS.

Came home and passed out from the heat, in my bathing suit on the couch. This was only after expending my last bit of energy pleading with Don to get off my "Nap space" as I "could not go to sleep with you sitting in my sleepy place of rest."
SNOOOOOOOOOOZE
Woke up with a puddle of drool. ewww. i must have been tired.

Got dressed up again. Helped Don with his getup. When I put the hat on his head, he grimaced at his reflection in the mirror.
"Ugh. Is this what it's *supposed* to look like?" he groaned.
"Yep. Just take it off for now and put it on when you won't be the only one wearing it" I replied, feeling SO wise.
Yeah, it was one of those moments. Those little memories you'll have forever of some milestone.

He worked on a D&D campaign the whole drive down to the fieldhouse. Keeping his mind off all those crowds. Mom told me earlier that he'd woken up screaming last night--probably a nightmare about today. He hates crowds, is uneasy in front of all those people. But once he gets there, he doesn't show it. He rushes off as soon as we get there--off to find his friends. Sweet Sanctuary.

The service was kinda lame, but then again, nothing could be as good as graduating, so who cares? Most of the speaker were uncomfortable and didnt' speak from the heart. But the speech team students, obviously, kicked ass. It was odd to see so many people I knew. Just the day before, I'd walked into DiCarlo's Pizza, that empire of cheap addictive pizza, only to find one of my greatest enemies and greatest friends--Jeanette Melnik. Today I say Neha Maniar, that wacky Indian chica, and Jessica Pegg, a sweet girl I've known since before kindergarten, but haven't seen since my graduation. It was a relief to see other college students after all those highschoolers. I feel old.

Eventually, after we all cook in the field house like so many steamed dumplings, they start handing out the diplomas. Don is a Pollack, so it's a LOOOONG time before they call for Don Michael Pollack. You would never have known he was nervous. My tall, handsome brother, 18, takes the stage and walks calmly for his diploma. My little brother, who used to carry around a stuffed Tyranosaur named "Didey" and was afraid of the toilet. The same little kid who, at age 2, used to get all cleaned up for bed, and then realize I was taking my bath and try to hop in--pajamas and all. When I was not much bigger than 3, I looked up at mom and told her matter-of-factly that I was going to marry Don when I grew up. At that point in my life, that seemed the logical thing. We were best friends. We watched "Aliens" for the first time, together, and had the daylights scared out of us. We got kittens at the same time, we shared our puppy Pepper. The years went by. . .We got older, moodier. And now here we are. He'll go off to WVU in the fall. I'm going to miss him, but he'll still be around.

Before I know it, the class president has walked to the stage, and calls for everyone to move their tassels to the left side of those ridiculous hats--to symbolize their graduation. The shift occurs; a class is changed. And there there is that moment when the hats fly in the air, a moment that kinda burns in your memory. The moment when a highschool kid knows they are free, and nobody can hold them back. When we finally located Don for some last-minute photo op's. . . he was eager to be off with his friends. "I go to lots of parties!" he claims. I am such a stick in the mud in comparison to my siblings. Oh well. The family releases him, and he is gone again. Off having fun. Damn, I envy him. And so we went home.

It is hard to believe we're already here. Jessica Pegg was engaged. Our five-year higschool reunion isn't far off. And little brother Don is going off to college. Knowing what that's like. . .I shudder but have hope too. He'll change, but not that much. I can still bully him, and bother him, and embarass him on a regular basis. And baby, it's because I care.

It doesnt' matter. He can grow taller than I am, he can graduate, he can go to college even. . . he's still my little brother. And I can still kick his butt.

Amber, on plot devices

I've come to the conclusion that the story of 2002, if ever written, would be a damn good story. It started out like Star Wars: A New Hope: so full of bright events and optimism. Everything was explained, the bad guys were bad, the good guys were good, and there was no trouble in sight.

And then in February, like Empire Strikes Back, everything went to hell. . . so very quickly. Suddenly people I thought were friends were in fact not my friends, and I had to make new allies and rekindle old friendships. . . and seek some wisdom. It was a time of such upheaval and pain, which moved from group to group spreading such confusion! I thought at times I literally would not make it out alive.

What followed, after all the amputations and metaphorical freezing-in-carbonite betrayals? . . . . unlikely romances, colorful situations, new beginnings. It's been Lucas's patented three-act play drama to be sure. Introduce the situation, create conflict, resolution. But unfortunately this is life, and there are certainly more than three stinking acts.

I think about opportunity. How fine a thing it is to be seized. Because of it, I'm off to a tropical paradise this summer. But I think someone I know is troubled by opportunity right now. And my heart goes out to them, because they certainly are quiet dear to it. I'd say more on the topic, but I don't even know if the trouble is over me. I hope not. That would be almost too ironic. blargh.

It has been bittersweet to sweet listening to Dave actually fall in love. Making all these realizations about relationships and commitment that I made so early on in our relationship. Sometimes it feels like a kick in the shin. Like why couldn't he have felt that way when I did? We wouldn't have had to go through all this crap. . . .But alot of good has come out of this crap. Lotuses rising from the deepest mud. Mostly, it's nice, like watching someone taking their first steps, and remembering that once you were like them. There is no rush to meet up. I sit and wait for our feelings to meet.

ON TO THE HAPPIER STUFF!!!
Don's graduation party was great fun. There was to be had great food and live music and even a bit of dancing!! I was also glad to spend time with my 2-year old cousins Natalie and Thomas, and the older cousin the brilliant Michael Bailey (who does math problems for fun).

ALSO: Dave K. has made his webjournal password free again--so take a peek at it if you like! I find keeping up on everyone's journals often makes it easier to understand alot of their events better. Dave K.'s life connects with mine every so often, for the briefest span of days.

Amber, on Weddings

Ok, so I woke up today at 2PM (oh the joy!) to discover the pollacks were invited to a wedding, at 3:30PM. So I got all dolled up and we headed down to Warwood. What follows is my critique of said wedding. Because after all, I am a girl, and all girls are experts on weddings by this point in their lives. Why? Because we're at that age where lots of our peers are married or thinking about it. Time is short my friends, and after Prom, this is the big dress-up event!

The church was nice, very small but pretty. I didn't like the flowers. The music left much to be desired, as the organ-playing was shaky at best and there was some old guy singing hokey songs about wild roses at his feet. There was at least one baby per pew, which meant that throughout the ceremony they would each take shifts screaming and being carried off. The best part was the people watching. All the moms on one side of the church had several tattoos each and went outside to smoke after the ceremony en masse. Several of the dads had loooooong Rock and Roll hair. The vows and homily were very nice, but far more christian than I'd ever think about doing.

It is at this point I would assert that I judge weddings often by how they compare to "what I would do at my own wedding"

The reception was perhaps the worst reception I've ever been to. Seriously. Someone decided that after a 3:30PM service, the reception should start at 6PM, which was ok, except dinner was not until 7:30---at which point everyone was ferociously starving (including me) and rather bewildered. We blame the photographer, as the decision was made to do all the dancing first, throw the garther and bouquet, and cut the cake, BEFORE DINNER. It was just plain stupid. It was all so the photographer could get pictures of staged events, instead of just letting the wedding happen and taking pictures as these things happened. it sucked. I was starving, and this couple is going to have pictures of unnatural situations.

It is hard to describe my frustration with this single mistake. Everyone was just cranky and tired.

The last thing of note, which may sound silly, was all these people changing into jeans and tank-tops for this formal reception, which was held in a lovely banquet hall. It just kinda cheesed me. That for this event that must have cost so much money to throw, a groupe of people were walking around in backless tank tops and hip huggers. Ick. I feel old.

What can we learn from this wedding? Give your people food. Don't starve them, because starved guests are unhappy guests.

One other thing: what ever happened to live music? Dad and I both lament the decline of live music at events such as these. Someday, if I have the choice, there will be rocking live music at my reception, dammit!!! All in all, I think that weddings should be joyous fun events--if you can't celebrate the joining of two people in love, what CAN you celebrate? The point, I think, is to have a good time with your new family, not impress everyone with settings and pictures. *sigh* oh well.

When it came time to throw the bouquet and garter, my brother and I sat it out, and vowed to my mother that I was becoming a nun and Don was going to be a monk.

"A fighting monk" he corrected. Oh well :)

Tomorrow is Don's graduation party!! wish me luck, as I am in charge of music!

http://www-personal.umich.edu/~rshereda/sorority/

HOW DO YOU AFFORD YOUR ROCK N' ROLL LIFESTYLE?

Helping mom out at preschool + lack of sleep = cranky amber who cannot update

But that's ok! I slept from 11:30PM-noon again. My dream was sadly a disturbing one. I don't feel like giving out the details, but it involved this big clump of feelings I've been trying to toss out about certain situations and people who've hurt me unintentionally. Because I don't feel this way in my awake hours, I'm taking this as a sign my brain is disposing of these feelings--airing them out one last time? Here's hoping. ANYWAY!! Now I'm well rested and ready to ROCK.

Mom's preschool show was a great hit, complete with a version of CCR's "Proud Mary" called "Proud Preschool". . . good stuff!

BIG NEWS: Ok, not so big, but still :) I got my hair cut! And now it is shoulder length, with lots of layers. . . kinda like that Rachel-do that everyone was so excited about long ago. Mom said that now I "look my age" which I can understand. It's a fun sort of shaggy cut that flips out in certain places. It makes me happy. I feel young and almost trendy. I feel 20. So I guess she's right. Dammit, she usually is.

So where does Friday leave me? Feeling happy, slightly better rested, but most importantly poised to be a big help this weekend, with the relatives coming in for Don's Graduation Party. Should be an event.

I heard that Goober has had an emergency---I hope he gets better!! GET WELL SOON!!!!

Wednesday. . . (couldn't think of a better title)

Oh! So much has happened since last I wrote, so I'll try to cover everything that I can.

Tuesday
I ordered my tickets for Honolulu: I leave June 14th and return August 20--there goes my summer!

Only big event for Tuesday: BUFFY SEASON FINALE
I think folks are well aware of my feelings for this show. Let me just say that, like Episode II, Buffy was super fun and kicked total butt, even though I had to watch it holding the tv antennae and praying the signal didn't give out (no cable at the Pollack House). The lowly human Xander finally was able to do something, one of my favorite characters DIDN'T die (yay!), and whiny Dawn finally kicked butt, as she should be able to. After all, her DNA was taken from Buffy the VAMPIRE SLAYER. So, all in all, very rewarding to watch.

Wednesday
Ach, this day began too freaking early. I had to get up at 6:30AM to go help mom at preschool. It hurts!! You know, I used to get up this early every day for highschool, but I haven't gotten up before 7 (except for emergencies) for most of my college career. So I was rather bewildered. But then I got myself together. Which was a good thing.

We should all thank our lucky stars for Preschool teachers, and the amazing amount of work they put in every day. Mom had combined all of the 4-year old classes to get ready for their graduation show, which is tomorrow. But first mom and I had to set up the stage, which involved alot of heavy lifting and moving.

Some of you already know that my mom has health problems right now. Back when she was about 33, she fell down in the John Paul Ghetty Museum--she had a serious seizure. Turns out she had an ball of bloodvessels growing in her brain, which could have potentially caused an aneurysm, but didn't--the seizure was a warning. SO my mom had brain surgery, and although the surgeon happily announced it was the best brain surgery he'd ever performed, she would still be prone to seizures and have to be on medication for the rest of her life. Lately, her health has been less than good, for reasons yet unknown. She's supposed to take it easy. But, like my Grandpa who insists on driving a tractor every other day, mom is a workaholic and doesn't ease up.

We were moving stage aprons, when she suddenly stopped, got a look of panic in her eyes. "Oh no. Amber, I think I'm having a seizure." Now, on ER if people are having a seizure, you see them drop to the floor and flail all about. This isn't how it was. It was a mild seizure. She just sat there, furiously pinching the skin on the inside of her wrist and sadly chanting "Oh no. Oh no. Don't be a gran mal seizure (the serious kind) don't be a gran mal." This isnt' the first time it's happened. Mom and I will often be shopping, and she'll look at too wild a pattern and grab my arm. . .and i'll know what's going on. I've only seen one serious one, and I was about nine at the time. It's scary. It's also very hard to deal with. As a child, you expect your parents to be strong and just about immortal. And mom is a strong woman, and although I used to be frustrated with her for being anything less than perfect, now it just makes me sad. Because she is strong, but severely limited by her health.

The moment passed, and she got back up and started working again--she sounded relieved, and I tried to keep her from doing too much at once. She half-smiled her thanks, and we continued getting ready for the show. I still don't know if she told Dad what happened. And she seems better now. The moment has passed.

Moving on to happier things. Her kids are adorable. She frets over the show every year, but the truth is with cute kids, you can't go wrong. And boy to they love mom--I can see how that job is rewarding.

I left at lunch time to go with my brother for haircuts. I, of course, gave Don a hard time--It's my duty as big sister. And I GOT MY HAIR CUT! Shoulder length, rather Rachel-from-friends-esque with a heapin' helpin' of layers. I'm pleased, because I have less hair now (yay!), it frames my face better, and it looks so cute and new!!! So I'm happy, very happy with that.

Then I napped.

The evening was spent helping my younger sister Liz, age 13, with studying for her test in Science. Physics, YUCK. She's such smart cookie, but also a bit air-headed at times. Another reason to love her, my beautiful little sister. She's taller than I am now. It's weird to see her so grown up, and then listen to her and realize she's still only a 7th grader. I remember,when Sam saw her, he said "Oh, she's going to break hearts someday." I didn't believe him at the time, but now I do. *GULP*

EVERYONE MUST UPDATE!! I WANT TO KNOW HOW EVERYONE IS DOING!!
Song for today: "Hallelujah" by Rufus Wainright

Ok, so this day technically isn't really a two-entry day. . .but I finally have things on my mind and I do not have anything better to do, so rasberries to the whole concept!!!

I was rather teary-eyed today, as the last episode ever of Ally McBeal came to pass. I have been so happy to have real female characters that I identify with on TV. Buffy was one of them, and Ally was the other. I like Buffy because she kicks ass, and gets to do what I never can do: walk at night without fear. Ally? Well, Ally McBeal is crazy. She hallucinates, hears music at emotional moments: She's alot like me. I could go into great detail as to what a great character she is, and what a great show "Ally McBeal" is. . but I won't. If you could like the show as much as I did, you'd probably already be watching it. It's just one more thing this year has taken away from me. But it was an encouraging ending. She leaves the show smiling, because she knows that her life will work out, somehow. So. . .*grin*

Last thing of note: The horoscopes say great upheaval is at hand, starting this week, and intensifying next week. So if shit hits the fan, I told you so. Or, at least the stars did. And according the description, it's some serious shit. :) OH well! It's nice to have so many friends with so many signs to read for. I think I'm missing an Gemini and Capricorn. Oh well!!

I hope everyone has a good week, and if there is great upheaval, let the shit fly elsewheres than WV.

JUST ANOTHER MANIC MONDAY, (which is very much less than manic)

Well, it will just have to be that my entries are not extremely interesting for the next stretch of time.

Went to sleep at 11PM last night, woke up at noon today. Marvel at my powers of sleep, mortals ;)

Grandpa Garvin, ever the workaholic even at age 80+, was out on the tractor mowing things. He likes to do that. It's a big blue tractor which frequently breaks down. He came in for awhile to talk about the weather, which is usually the topic we most easily converse together. He's a traveller, so we ended up talking about Europe and Malaysia and Hawaii. I respect the guy, still looking for places to see even thought it makes mom worry like never before.

In my own life, I drank some coffee upon waking and washed both bathroom and kitchen floors, in an attempt to keep busy and at the same time be useful. Since Don, now home from school and with little to do, has dominated the computer. . . I have to find other outlets of entertainment.

So, here we'll get slightly deep (not to be confused with Depp) for a moment. A time for me to just put an idea out there even though it might be a stupid one:

I think there should be a rule that you should be old enough to drink at your own wedding. This is not to say people should not be engaged before that age of 21, or even considering marriage before then. I know some wonderful people who are doing just that, and I don't see anything wrong with it. I just think there's no rush when it comes to marriage, at our age, and it would be nice to have a little landmark time when we shouldn't need to worry about it beforehand. I could make alot of reference to the fact we're not true legal adults till 21, but I don't feel like it. Being at home makes me even more laidback. . . which is a dangerous thing to be sure.

Everybody have fun tonight!!
-Amber-

MOVIE DAY!!

Not much happened today. I cleaned the kitchen and the bathroom, and in return got a hug from mom. We watched "Chocolat" and "South Pacific." I thoroughly enjoyed Chocolat--it's a fun and funny movie that is actually quite fable-like. And it's about food, so how can you go wrong? South Pacific is. . .South Pacific. Not much to say about that.

Looks like this week will be a big week. I'll be helping mom in all sorts of ways to get ready for Don's graduation party, and also the big Preschool Graduation Show. I've got a hair appointment too, so maby a new look for me? Probably not. I'm a big wuss when it comes to my hard-grown hair. Other than that? Nothing much :)

FOR MY MERRIMENT

I must say my faith in humanity is restored. Star Wars: Episode II was FREAKING AWESOME. I haven't had so much fun at a movie in a long long time. Anakin was legitimately creepy, in a posessive insecure boyfriendy sort of way. I was impressed how well the actor carried it off. It was fascinating, to see a boy so powerful worshipping a girl and resting all his love and happiness on her. It was scary. You could occasionally see it in her eyes, that twinge of fear mixed with care. CREEEPY!! the script was a bit dry, but I don't care. There were so many excellent, jaw clenching scenes. SO EXCITING!!

I'm beginning to think either I'm more highly attuned to certain themes that resonate with my life, or else life is trying to resonate with me. There was definitely a theme of bloody revenge going on (which I don't feel after this week, but could understand) carried between Episode II and also the latest episode of BuffyTVS. But what really hit home was

SPOILER ALERT SPOILER ALERT (ok, might not be, but I thought I'd better be over-cautious)

what really hit home was the ending scene of Episode II. Anakin and Padme get married, all alone in the countryside, despite the fact that love is forbidden to Jedi. They kiss and look like joyful young newlyweds for a moment, and then it leaks from their faces. They turn to face outward, hand in hand; they realize the significance of what they have done, how dangerous it is, how likely it is to tear them apart in the future. But they stand against that, because they have to. They love eachother, and that cannot be ignored.

Yeah, it hit home. Trying to work out things with Dave feels very much like that. Like there is the possiblity of even more pain and heartbreak, that perhaps it really is doomed. But that just doesn't matter much. My heart is on the mend, and I've gotta try. I can't ignore what feelings I have left for him, which are the deepest buried ties that I couldn't uproot. I have to try. *sigh* so now I sit here, at home, waiting for Episode III, and waiting to see what will happen.

All in all, I'm so happy I went to Hiram. There's people I'm not jealous of anymore. I felt like I had left everything so up in the air at the end of the semester, and this gave me the chance to just hang out with friends, and make true, unharried closure for the summer. I didn't solve a whole lot, but I ended a chapter or two of my life. And I got to see Alice too! It was worth it.

THANKS CLAY!!!

GOOD THURSDAY

Ok, so technically now it's Friday, but, well, you get the picture!

My time at Hiram is almost at an end--looks like I'll be headed back with Clay around 7AM on Saturday (I'll likely be passed out for most of the trip). It's never long enough, the time I spend up here. I admit some envy towards the folks spending all summer up here, in that they get to hang out with all their friends every evening, homework free. It's been a long time since I could claim to have done that.

Lovely evening! I think I'm getting alot better about alot of situations. . . although I'm sure the fact that I'm hyped up on caffeine and sugar helps. I've enjoyed feeling young again, feeling attractive again. The sheer joy of sucking down double-dipped chocolate milkshakes. Enjoying memories of the past, and thanking my lucky stars that it is the past. And now the summer truly begins. And soon I go back home.

But I'll get to see Alice maybe tomorrow! YEAH!!!

IT'S BEEEAUTIFUL IN HIRAM IN THE SUMMER!!

It really is a shame most people never see it during this time of the year. Ohio is only truly decent in the summer, imho. It's pretty nice in Autumn too. Spoken like a true California girl, who apparently prefers warm weather. I was born in Santa Monica, California. July 31st, 1981: 11:12AM. So the big 21 is looming! Soon I will be able to buy drinks all the time!! That could be quite dangerous, yes?

I'm not sure what to do with myself up here, but it's so damn beautiful I don't care. I can walk around, or curl up on the 4th floor of the library and listen to the clock tick. Or play on the internet. . . oh the joy! It does help, a little, to be amongst my peers.

No word yet about where I'm staying or when I leaving for Hawaii, but soon, hopefully soon.

I had one of those yucky dreams last night where I was still in class. It was some god-awful stream survey class and I kept thinking, I've already had my 3-week! I don't have to take this class! But I wouldn't be sure. It is a tradition of my mind when I'm done with school every year to give me a dream about still being in school. And then I dreamt about the ocean, and I was scared of it. Thanks brain, I can take a clue about my "fear of the unknown." And then I was topless for the rest of the dream. I don't know what that means, but that's ok with me. That kind of dream I can deal with!

Love,
-Amber-

Dr. Frank-N-Furter On the day I went away

Chorus Goodbye

Dr. Frank-N-Furter Was all I had to say

Chorus Now I

Dr. Frank-N-Furter I want to come again and stay

Chorus Oh my

Dr. Frank-N-Furter Smile, and that will mean I may
'Cause I've seen blue skies
Through the tears in my eyes
And I realize I'm going home


Chorus I'm going home

Dr. Frank-N-Furter Everywhere, it's been the same

Chorus Feeling

Dr. Frank-N-Furter Like I'm outside in the rain

Chorus Wheeling

Dr. Frank-N-Furter Free to try and find a game

Chorus Dealing

Dr. Frank-N-Furter Cards for sorrow
Cards for pain
'Cause I've seen blue skies
Through the tears in my eyes
And I realize I'm going home


Chorus I'm going home
I'm going home
I'm going home

OH Tim Curry, you sweet transvestite muse who doth sing the words I wish to sing! I'M COMING TO HIRAM FOR THE WEEK!!!

It is by the good graces of Mr. Clay Archer III that I get to hitch a ride to Hiram for the week. Perhaps I will get some work done while I'm up there. But mainly, it will be nice to socialize a bit, sleep in alot, and also try to work things out with Dave. Yes, you heard me correctly. So, I'll be around, marvelling at my luck to be up there when it's not school time, living on cheese sandwiches and coke baby. And I'll get to see Episode II if I'm lucky! With my friends!! JOY!!

TEMPER TANTRUMS ARE FOR 3 YEAR OLDS (aka an argument in Amber's head)

But I only threw, like two or three in my entire remembered life. One was when my mom finally kicked me out of the stroller and made me walk--I was pretty pissed about that. Another time was when my mom insisted that I learn how to calculate a 15% tip in my head--which pissed me off because I didn't want to exert brain power on THAT.

I only bring this up because, dammit, my brain has thrown more tantrums this year than it has in a LOOOONG time. And tonight there's the incessant pouting of "I want to be in Hiram. it isn't FAIR. Everyone's having all kinds of fun, WITHOUT ME!! And how come Jason gets to sing with Dave? Huh?

Weell, DUH Amber-brain. You never asked. Gotta stop expecting people to read your mind and do what you want them to do for you. And further more, brain of mine, I think it is wise to remind you that if you were, in fact, up at Hiram, your mom would be sad and you'd have to confront some issues you may or may not be ready to confront yet. Relax and enjoy the summer you twit.

OK So I'm not happy to be home, but I'm not depressed anymore. And frankly I don't know how many people actually care one way or another. I'll blame it all on a quarter-life crisis. . .why the hell not?

http://carcino.gen.nz/images/index.php/42e23aa3/122e885f


Love,
-Amber-

It's Sunday?

After a good bout of despair and weeping, which hopefully marks the end of my adjustment to home period, passed out on the living room couch again. Had a really cool dream about being the principal dancer in some lavish dance production put on by Hiram. I was just completing my final on mixing rum and coke when I heard my brother's voice:

"Amber"
"Amber, I know you're just pretending to be asleep. Laura Smith is at the door, go tell her I'm in the shower"

Damn my brother. For some reason, he acts like a real putz and still I do things for him. I realize I could tell him no, but I'm awake anyway and might as well. So I stumble to the kitchen door, where stands a blurry buff highschool girl in camoflauge. I squint at her, and tell her that i'm supposed to tell her that Don's in the shower. I then turn, and walk back to the couch to put in my contacts and actually wake up.

Minutes later, I hear cars pulling up. At this point I get excited because maybe Mom is coming home. But no, the caravan is in fact carloads of camoflauged teenagers. I had forgotten that today Don had scheduled his epic paint-gun battle. Argh. I stumble back to the kitchen to get something, anything to eat, and on the porch the hoardes are gathering, all with weapons and one large CO2 canister which intermittedly hisses as they play with it.

"Uh, don't go out there Amber" Don warns, as he steps out decked out in black and white camo, with some sort of holster at his hip. Cute kids. Ironically or not, if this was some other decade most of them would be old enough to actually be in war. Even more ironically, perhaps, is that if I dated a freshman this year, I'd be dating someone my brother's age. Whoah.

Ok, so for now I think I'm past the depressed and bored period of my arrival home. It always happens this way. I need to go shopping of course. But now I'm adjusted, and hopefully Dad and Liz (my sister) have just walked in with food. Now my life is complete.

QUIZ FEST BECAUSE OF BOREDOM!!

	You are Fozzie! Wokka Wokka! You love to make lame jokes. Your sense of humor might be a bit off, but you're a great friend and can always be counted on..
Take the What Muppet Are You? Quiz!

Find out which Buffy villian you are most like!
By


I'm Scott Summers
What X-Men Character are You?
(I'm ashamed of this, but I thought I'd put up the link for the good of all)

See which Greek Goddess you are.

You are Civilian Calvin! You don't get to travel much outside your neighborhood, but you still manage to get in plenty of trouble. When you're not acting up, you like to wax philosophical. Take the What Calvin are You? Quiz by contessina_2000@yahoo.com!

Special thanks to Terry Moore for drawing and creating the above image and related series.

Find out How would you die in a horror movie?



href="http://www.wiredreflection.com/tests/pets.html"
target="new">
border=0 frameborder=0 alt="You are Ryo-oki!">


Take the href="http://www.wiredreflection.com/tests/pets.html" target="new"> "Which Anime pet are you?" test!

SLEEPING AT HOME--SUPERSIZED

My cohorts of the Red Tower of Death (see how I got that in again!) were amazed at my claimed ability to sleep 12 hours a day, no problem. Well, I've beaten that today! I, drowsy from dinner and chilled by my showered hair, fell asleep in mom and dad's cozy bed till Dad came in and kicked my out at midnight (this is typical in our family). So I stumbled downstairs, watched my brother play Star Wars Jedi Knight II: Jedi Outcast multiplayer, jeered him as a big sister should, and eventually fell asleep on the couch (another passing out spot typical to our family). and now, well, it's past 11AM and I'm awake, and once again there's nobody around at all. BAH!

You know, Dave once said his ideal sort of living would involve being out in a cabin in the woods, not bothered by anyone. And today most fiercely I realize that I am the opposite. My dream life would be me living at the head of a big household, maybe even a castle where I was queen and I could surround myself with friends and we could all live together. Kinda like Henry Lounge is, although I'm not technically "queen" of the lounge or anything. I used to be so focused on good grades, a good job--success you know? But now I'm starting to find that good friends are much more rewarding. Could that have been the secret to success all along? Ach, I don't know. All I do know is that it's beautiful here, absolutely beautiful. Everything is early summer, calm and beautiful. And I'm not completely happy, because my friends are not here.

It's dangerous here, at times, because I have all the time in the world to just THINK. I've been thinking alot about relationships, in a vain effort to get things sorted out before fall comes around. And I've come to the conclusion that I have no fucking clue what my heart is trying to tell me, because depending on the time of day, the dinner I ate, the alignment of the planets. . . it's telling me something different. So I apologize, ahead of time, for whatever ridiculousness will result. I told my heart to shut up, and now it won't give me complete sentences. There's a lesson for ya.

Don't worry! Tomorrow mom comes back from her Wildflower Weekend with her crew "The Steel Rhodedendrons" . . . and she always make me feel better (and like certain other people, I never think I'll miss her, and then all the sudden I do).

LET THE BLESSED BOREDOM BEGIN!!

After packing, packing, and more packing--with the help of my special spatial Dad--I am now at home. Didn't get here till 11PM. Promptly called my pal Dave K., who would be leaving for a sweet internship in Atlanta tomorrow morning. Somehow, we are never both in town for more than like a day. Maybe that's a good thing. Oh well, Dave K. arrived in a jeepload of people, transported by former Speech Team-mate Patrick, infamous for his *adventuresome* driving style. I got in, and turned around to find the jeep filled with many AP class folks, although they're all Dave's junior-high friends. I feel a bit extraneous, but ok!

So, what do young people in Marshall Co., West Virginia do for fun? Drive. It really does seem to be a local pastime. If you're not drinking, or making out somewhere, you're just driving anywhere. That's really all there is to do. So we take to the backroads--where I shame myself by being anxious on a couple turns. I blame it on the boring, flat Ohio roads. Backroads at night are not unlike rollercoaster rides, with the added drama of cliffs and valleys to either side and the occasional deer frozen in front of your speeding car.

We had a goal in mind: See out THE RED TOWER OF DEATH. Dave K. has described the discovery of the tower before. Teenagers get lost on the backroads, don't see cars or houses for miles: find themselves at a tower with eerily slow-blinking red lights. The buildup for this thing is unbelievable. So, with nothing better to do, we take to Emergency Route 2 South looking for The Red Tower of Death.

I'd like to have some epic and entertaining story about finding the Red Tower of Death. . . but it was actually quite anticlimatic. It wasn't too long before we spotted it, but it quickly ducked behind the hills and trees. It would glide into view occasionally, and I once pointed it out, only to have it drift quickly out of sight, leaving nothing but me sounding like a wacko. We got closer and closer, and finally came closest to it's horrible base in the middle of nowhere. But the service road was closed. So alas, the story ends there. They drove me back, I gave Dave K. a good hug, and then I came up here and typed this. Why, i don't know. Maybe I just wanted an excuse to say RED TOWER OF DEATH :)

Love,
-Amber-

DO NOT WORRY, THERE'S AN ENTRY IN HERE SOMEWHERE


(explodingdog picture title: "This Hole I've Dug is Mine Forever!"

This is it, boys and girls, last day at Hiram till my final year. OH THE FINALITY!!! Ok, so I'm just going home for a month before the real adventure begins. And for once, I'm really glad to be leaving Hiram. I'm still going to miss my friends--terribly--but I just need to relax and recoop away from this place. Hiram used to be such a lovely place to be, but recently. . . well it seems a bit overhaunted with memories. Every spot reminds me of something.

Home is no different--I spent 13+ years there, from season to season. But it will remind me of different things, more healing things. I'll go sit on the porch and wait for the ghost of my dog Pepper, who did not live to see the end of this cruel season. Other than that, I'll just get ready. For adventure, for healing, and eventually for thinking.

One other thing. There is one gigantic flaw with suspending all thought and just pursuing happiness. And I found it. But it's ok.

Best quote from yesterday:
"WOOO-HOOO!! MAKEOUT PARTY!! GO HAVE SEX IN THE TREES!"
--two drunken seniormen making a trek across campus, resulting in a random encounter

HEY! if anyone wants to write me, just e-mail (either my hiram account, or ambular@hotmail.com) and I'll give you my home address.

THE END OF THE 3-WEEK

Ok, so the poster presentation today wasn't too bad. Pretty typical: stand around the piece of colorful paper you've spent weeks on for 10 minutes while people stare at it and occasionally ask you questions. If you don't know the answer, you say so. So. .that's done! I'm still hoping that my parents will wait to come get me--I could use the extra time to get really actually packed, as opposed to toss it in a garbage bag and run.

Other than that. . . Buffy tonight was INSANE. At least, the last five minutes were. HOLY SHIT. Ask me about it!
Best mimicking-my-life-and-feelings moment had to be Xander and Buffy sitting in the back yard, after all this crap has happened, just in awe of all the horrible things that have happened:
"Buffy, how did we get here?"
"I don't know Xander; the long scenic route"
- - - - - - - -
Sounds about right. Seems like life has finally--after so many hazy years--arrived. Sounds dumb, but now I feel like I'm really living and breathing.

WHERE DID AMBER GO?


(I like this picture--Willow and Tara so cute!--there's no hidden meaning to posting a picture of lesbian witches on here, really!)
I reiterate that I am a Buffy the Vampire Slayer Geek

Hello! Never guess where I'm typing from! MY COMPUTER. AT SCHOOL! This ethernet card does work! I would like to thank the kindly Dave D. for making this possible.

So, let's see, what's up? A whole lot, and nothing at all, all in the same time. Still got work to do, but I've got all of tonight to work on my poster, so I am cheered by that prospect. Also, tomorrow I'll have all day to do what I like, and that may include packing up my room--I think it better, as it's shaping up to be an epic task. Got the poster presentation at 3PM--whee! It's all mundane stuff. Getting things done, cleaned up, and cutting back my roots so I can go home. . . .home. Wow, seeems like ages since I was there, even though it was 3 weeks or so. This semester just seems to stretch to encompass so many things in such a short period of time.

Other than that, the time has almost come for the year to be over. What this summer holds for me, wow, I don't even have a clue, but I bet it will be memorable. No two ways about it. I'm more concerned about next year, in a storm-cloud-off-in-the-distance kinda way. Can't completely ignore the horoscope, but here's hoping it isn't that bad. I know I can't put off making decisions when I get back. For now I can, but not forever. Such is life :)

Here's a really beautiful song that often my dad's bluegrass band, "The Cabin Fever String Band" will play. The rule seems to be if a bluegrass song is really beautiful, it tends to be about someone being murdered or dead. Can you figure out what's going on in this song? I have my guesses, but I don't know. Oh, the lyrics are actually a Yeats poem apparently.

SALLY GARDEN
Down by the Sally garden, my love and I did meet,
She passed the Sally garden, with little snow-white feet.
She bid me `Take love easy, as the leaves grow on the tree',
But I, being young and foolish, with her did not agree.

In a field down by the river, my love and I did stand
And on my leaning shoulder, she laid her snow-white hand.
She bid me take life easy, as the grass grows on the weirs:
But I was young and foolish and now am full of tears.

Down by the Sally garden, my love and I did meet,
She passed the Sally garden, with little snow-white feet.
She bid me take love easy, as the leaves grow on the tree;
But I, being young and foolish, with her did not agree.

QUOTE FEST (courtesy of Psyche)

I'm procrastinating!!! I found the transcript of "Entropy" the episode of Buffy from this week. I am a geek. I'm so sorry I'm putting all this on the journal, but I freaking love this show, and also this one echoed alot of what I've felt or am feeling. So here are my two choice scraps of Buffy-script. It's my webjournal dammit:

I. SPIKE AND ANYA DRINKING SHOTS AT THE MAGIC STORE
ANYA
This whole time, I've been coming on
all hell bent and mad. Wanting his
head you know?
SPIKE
Yeah.
Anya looks near tears.
ANYA
When, really, I can't sleep at night,
thinking - it has to be my fault,
somehow-
SPIKE
Shhhhh-
ANYA
I mean, what if he was just
pretending? What if he never really
wanted me, I mean the way I wanted...
(starts to cry)
Oh, God... I'm sorry.
SPIKE
(tenderly)
Now now...
He wipes the tears from her face. She looks at him - all vulnerability and need.
SPIKE (cont'd)
He'd have to be more than just the
git he is, Anya. He'd have to be
deaf, dumb and blind not to want a
woman like you.
ANYA
Then why?
SPIKE
The two of them, they're weak is all.
(then)
Tell you one thing. They're going to
miss the water now that the well's
gone dry.

INT. BUFFY'S HOUSE - WILLOW'S ROOM - NIGHT

Willow, sitting at her bed with a textbook, looks up to see Tara standing in the doorway.
WILLOW
Tara...
TARA
You can't ever put them back the way
they were...
WILLOW
Are you okay?
TARA
(crossing in, sitting)
I'm sorry, it's just... you know it
takes time. you can't just have
coffee and expect --
WILLOW
(a bit ashamed)
I know.
TARA
There's so much to work through.
Trust has to build again, on both
sides...
(more)
TARA (cont'd)
you have to learn if you're even the
same people you were, if you can fit
in each other's lives, it's a long
and important process and can we just
skip it? Can you just be kissing me
now?

Willow searches Tara's face: did Tara just... Tara stares back, nervous but sure.

Willow stands as Tara moves to her and they kiss, passionately.

They interlock fingers, holding on to each other as tight as they can. Not letting go.

They keep kissing. It is intense, it is passionate, and it is, above all else, love.

Truly and forever.

BLACK OUT.


END OF SHOW.

RESERVATIONS PLEASE

heh, that was almost clever! Well, the last weekend is here. This time next week I'll be at home, trying to find something to do with myself. I'll have to scour the neighborhood for friends back from school. Good luck, Amber (side note: my friends are impossible to find, except ex-boyfriend friends. For some reason, they're easier to get in touch with. I wish I knew where my old best friend Angela was. . . ) ANYWAY. The year is winding down, and I've been chipping away at this incredibly long assignment for Bioinformatics class. I don't think I've ever worked on one thing for so long, really. Except maybe speeches or lines for a play, but that's different.
I have no idea when I'm gonna pack. . . .

I'm a little disgruntled today, and that's because of last nights epic accident: While standing on the bed trying to close the curtains, Adam fell off and landed completely on Barrie's bad ankle. She yelled for him to get out. He did. I went and talked to him in the computer lab a bit later. I assured him that both Sam and Barrie admitted that is was an accident, and they weren't pissed at him. So what's bugging me? Well, Sam keep openly pronouncing that Adam is still "hiding" from him. He laughs and asks if anyone has seen him skittering around. Now, I know it's Sam humour, but I find it very unkind. Adam feels awful. Baby, accidents DO happen, and that's what happened here. And it really irks me that they are acting this way about him. He didn't mean to do it. It just bugs me.

In closing, I refer back to my title. I feel like I'm holding my breath until I surface at home. And so, to hide behind my geekdom, I've found complete transcripts of Buffy. Unfortunately, they don't have this week's--which has many quotes familiar to my own life in it--up yet. SO here's one of two really memorable monologues from "Hell's Bells" (the infamous wedding episode). I'm such a geek.


Anya clears throat
"I, Anya, promise to. . . love you,
to cherish you, to honor you, uh, but not to obey you,
of course, because that’s anachronistic and misogynistic
and who do you think you are, like a sea captain
or something?’

Tara and Willow grin in amusement and giggle a little,
exchanging a look behind Anya’s back.
Anya: ’However, I do entrust you with. . . ’ pauses,
hears the others chuckling What? Is something
funny?"
Tara: No, n-nothing, sweetie, just, just keep still.
smiling at Willow
Anya clears throat "Okay. Blah, blah, blah, misogynistic.
Blah, blah, ’I do however entrust you. . . um,
with my heart. Take care of my heart, won’t you
please? Take care of it because, it’s all that I have.
And, if you let me, I’ll take care of your heart too.’
Willow and Tara exchange another look, less giggly,
more moved.
Anya ’I’ll protect it and tend to it, like a little stray.’
Wait, no. ’Like a, a little mangy stray that needs a
home.’
Willow and Tara amused again
Anya : No, that’s not it either.

HEY GUESS WHAT?

I took that quiz at findyourspot.com, and guess where I'm supposed to live?


Have you guessed yet? Ok, I'm sorry, I hate guessing games myself :) It's Honolulu. That's the number one place for me to live, apparently. I can't believe I'm going. I can't believe how close I came, at one point, to not sending out the e-mail to that lab. I was planning on staying hear all summer, on campus. Ach. I guess it just goes to show you that you should at this stage in life do what you want to do, and not try to plan so much around others.

When we know our weaknesses, are we wiser? Perhaps, but we don't act that way.
-Amber-

Here you go!

A GOOD DAY (wednesday)

Let me give you the quick rundown. The AIBS spring picnic was a great success--lots of people attended, the food was so good we pretty much ran out, and I GOT MONEY. Ok, I got some scholarship award thingy, but nonetheless it's money I wasn't expecting to have. So, I'll have to do something non-practical with it like go shopping or eat sushi or who knows what. Yay!!! Also, I will not be president of AIBS next year, as I have been outvoted by Spencer. While I am a little dissapointed not to win the popularity game this year, I'm still basically elated because I don't have to be in charge of the damn thing next year. Congrats man!

After that, took a shower, cleaned my room, and helped out Nick with his homework for photography class.

Let me just say I have a newfound respect for photographers, as--a la Mr. Rogers field trip--I followed Nick over to the art building to see the negatives developed. Developing large format photos involves a multi-step process of washing the negatives in various chemical baths, over periods of time in a cramped little darkroom. Of course, all of this, including loading the negatives into these mind-boggling little trays, must be done in pitch black darkness. I was amazed. I couldn't see a blessed thing, not even my hand before me. And there he goes ( I could hear him) off to one side of the room to go through the whole process. All that you could see was the big glow-in-the-dark clock/timer on one wall. It was pretty surreal.

We have to do a similar developing procedure for biochem, but I could not fathom doing it in the dark. Wow. So, Amber, you oughta be in pictures? Now you are!

Field trip to some cool high-tech lab today!!! Be back at 5PM or so!

I am a bioinformatics badass

Hell yeah, you freaking bitch of a 50K basepair sequence!!!! I just went through your whole sorry line of ATCG's with BLAST!!!

Ok, so this is really great, but I'm no where near done with this little bugger. I've still got to go back through and make sure most of the sequence is covered by the genes I've found, then try to figure out what the genes of unknown function might be, THEN write up a poster about it and include some possible research I could do on two genes!!! BAAAAAAAHHH!!!

Ok, sure, you wanted to read all that didn't you? DIDN'T YOU!!??? I've decided that staying up late is alot like binge drinking. You can easily make a habit of it and it seems fun while you're doing it but you wake up the next morning with one big WTF. OH well, here I am, I'll probably be asleep by 2.

6.5 hours of sleep for me typically.

I'm also feeling a bit sick--my intestines are audibly gurgling and that CAN"T be good. My throat was sore this morning and one of my lymph nodes was swollen. This is a strange, half-assed sickness indeed!

The plans for hawaii are flying fast and furious now, back and forth over e-mail. As always, Dad wants me to find the best bargain. I just want a place to stay. He tends to make me feel like a lazy scaredy cat, which maybe I am. I just want a place to live, and it's my money that'll go to housing, so what the hey, I'll let it slide. The advertisement for the room said "looking for mellow people" seriously. . . so I've GOT TO BE MELLOW--or else!

And it sounds like I'm not the only one with the travel bug!

Love,
-Amber-