Two posts in one day. I must be pathetic.
Yeah, I am. But I don't care.
Yesterday, the issue was a strange dream which called my sexuality and sanity into question--yeah! Today, I was being called mentally to Oglebay Park. I was in the local sandwhich shop, when the smell of barbecued pork floated up my nose. . . and suddenly it was summer time in WV, all sweet and humid with the smell of campfire smoke and barbecue. Oh god, how I really really really want it to be summer. That evening, I actually ended up dining at Oglebay lodge, overlooking Shenck Lake as the sun set. All I could think of was how much I wanted someone to walk the paths with, in the summer, in the soft, sticky heat of July. But at the same time, I didn't want any such thing. It's another time where I don't know what I wanted.
Mom was telling me about the time my uncle divorced his first wife. She asked him, "What went wrong?" He said, he realized he wasn't in love with his wife. He was in love with the idea of being married. I've asked myself, many times, if that was what was happening here. I can't speak for the other side of this relationship.
all I do know, is that if I didn't love Dave. . . I don't think I know what love is. These days, what I miss the most is the good times, the lazy weekends, the times we didn't do anything but just hang out together. No deep converstations, no arguements, just being, and being together. We were so much alike, at the core, and I still don't understand why we weren't constantly sharing, why I didn't feel he was open for communication all the time, why I couldn't confess things to him, why we didnt' go on long walks in the rain and snow. I think, maybe, because I just wanted to be with him. That I was most happy just existing with someone, not pushing issues or causing strife. Just being. Is that enough to be happy? I don't know. And that too, sucks.
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