Is that a swing?

I am proud to say I've at least conquered bus route 6 of the Oahu Bus System. Now if I could just get a damn monthly pass things would be fantastic. I discovered the shopping center by my house has a thai take-out place, a gigantic drug store, and a video rental place!!! I'm in heaven by god! Well, almost.

Latest home discovery is that I get scrambled porn. One would think it was a good discovery, except, well, it's very frustrating on many levels to try to watch. . .and yet quite difficult to look away! But occasionally, the picture clears, and it's quite an amazing 1.5 seconds. But still, this can't be heaven, because for now baby, this is as good as it gets :)

Hmm, anything else to report? Not really. Carl and I had an interesting discussion on seperation of church and state and I gave a decent dissertation on the history of my state, West Virginia. Still I'll be happy to be all by myself, even if princess pretty paws prances into my room to yowl at 6AM.

Amber and Princess Prettypaws

Well, when last I wrote, I was eagerly awaiting getting into my house-sitting house for the summer, and not so eagerly awaiting sharing it will some middle aged european guy. But oh well!

At 5:20 PM sharp, Cheryl and I left the lab to pick up her cousin Anne (who’s house I’ll be sitting) to take her to the airport. We arrived to get our last-minute instructions, and before I knew it they were asking if I’d be ok, and suddenly they were gone! And me with a beautiful house all to myself in a gated community in the hills of Manoa!

My responsiblities were to include keeping the plants watered, taking care of an orphaned baby bird, getting the mail, and keeping the family cat, a petite Siamese named "Princess Prettypaws" (princess for short) company). Not too bad a job!

I had just gotten settled in to check my new range of cable channels where there was a knock at the screen door. Carl, the guy who’s sharing the house with me for 2.5 weeks, had come by to say hello, although he wouldn’t be moving in until Thursday. He’s a short man, and he sounds alot like Jean Claude Van Damme. . .but I think I could kick his butt if need be!

After he left, and after looking through all the cupboards in the kitchen to take stock of my food situation, I decided I needed to make a run to the grocery store. Ignoring the paranoia in my head that insisted I didn’t go because who knew what I’d run into, I put on some jeans, hopped on a bike, and coasted down to the local Safeway Grocery Store. Let me confirm that things ARE extremely expensive in Hawaii. I mean come on, 6 bucks for a gallon of milk? 3 bucks for a loaf of bread? WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?!
But I bought myself some potstickers (Chinese dumplings with chicken and pork inside!) for a treat, and went back home.

I made myself dinner, took a lovely shower, and then curled up with Princess on the couch for some quality cat-time—best spent by lazing about and doing very much of nothing. And so ended my first day in the Manoa house.

Thursday itself was not eventful, except that Carl moved in. I arrive home very late, so we just watched some ER together. So far, so good :)

Friday was the first day I had to ride the bus home. So I got online to www.thebus.org to find my route home, after one of the student workers, Sam, recommended the number 6. I thought I had a good idea where to pick up my bus, but as I made it to the busy intersection of Ward and Ala Moana, my confidence faded and I begin to wonder where the heck I was actually supposed to go. The bus stops on Oahu are plainly marked, but they do not include information as to which buses stop there. Bah to that. I found a woman sitting alone at the bus stop ahead of me, so I asked her for help. But unfortunately, I had uncovered a fellow student newly arrived to the island, so we just talked in confusion to one another, not getting much more information than when we started. She told me the tale of her trying to use a transfer pass that was an hour old and being told by the busdriver that she didn’t accept any "free-loading haoli’s"

Racial slurs are alive in Hawaii, and "haoli" is often used on a white person, an outsider, but apperently the literal translation is "one who has no soul" It is the one thing I think that makes this place not so fabulous. There is some animosity towards white people here, but nothing violent. Just resentful.

I decided to try my luck for the #6 down the street, and was just in time to see it leave from a bustop across the road. So I sat for 30 minutes waiting for it to come round again, only to realize that it would take me on the west-bound part of the loop, while I wanted to go east-bound. So I ended up riding in the freezing air conditioning through the decrepit west of downtown section of Honolulu. But eventually, by nightfall, we had made our way back to the manoa valley, and I spotted my Safeway and hopped out.

I walked home, enjoying the quiet and the warm wet air. My walk home was so nice, as I had to walk uphill after entering the gate, past the stream and the slowly blowing jungle that contained it. It was like Jurassic Park, and I almost expected to see raptors on the loose trotting down the street. But thankfully I didn’t :) From the crest of the hill, I could see all of downtown Honolulu aglow. I think I’m going to like it here.

I woke up this morning ready for adventure! Cheryl took me back to the windward side of Oahu to go sea kayaking. As we drove over the Pali highway, she asked me if I had any pork on hand. I didn’t, which was good. She told me that the Pali was once the site of a great and bloody battle, and that it was called Pali because it described the color of the cliffs after the battle—red with blood from all the warriors who had been tossed over. Legend has it (man, I love that phrase!) that it is bad luck to carry pork over the Pali, because the restless souls of the dead men will be drawn to it, and will follow you home.

I was glad I hadn’t brought any with me :)

Sea kayaking was tremendous fun. The water was again that magical color of aqua-turquoise, and there is something so wonderful about paddling around all alone, avoiding the shallow coral beds and keeping your kayak facing the waves. It’s just sublime. And I arrived intact back on shore, having not gone overboard once and without a sunburn. Although I AM covered in freckles now I think, as I sit in the Lab in my bathing suit and sandals. This place is neat that way. For awhile there, some had a surfboard parked under a bench in the lobby. Soon I’ll hop on the bus again, and take it all the way home. Another day almost done, and poor Princess yowling for a friend. It’s nice to have someone to come home to :)

Time for a full-blown entry!


You live too far away
your voice rings like a bell anyway
don't give up your independence
unless it feels so right
nothing good comes easily
sometimes you gotta fight

Whoa, Amber is the color of your energy
whoa, shades of gold displayed naturally
launched a thousand ships in my heart, so easy
still it's fine from afar, and you know that
whoa, brainstorm take me away from the norm
whoa, I got to tell you something
--"Amber" by 311

First off, I am completely and utterly thrilled to have a song with my name in it. And to top it off, it's a nice song too. Hoooray!!!

Secondly, Monday was very very slow, and I can't say there's much to relay about it. Mondays are mondays, even in paradise.

Tuesday, which is still today as I'm writing this, has been a productive if somewhat tiring day. Got up at 8:30AM, came to work, and looked out the window from my lab bench to see parked in the parkinglot beyond a Bacardi Truck. After raising my hands to the sky in a cheerleader sort of motion to praise the sight, I decided that it was a good omen for the day. Well, it wasn't the harbinger of drunken merriment of any kind in the lab, at least not this time. After a phone call from her cousin, Cheryl asked me if it was ok if one of their family friends, a 40 year-old man from Europe who had recently been through a painful seperation from his wife, stayed in the master bedroom while I was there. Well, if I was all by myself and had no one to turn to, I'd have very large doubts about this, but if anything gets weird, I can go to Cheryl. She assures me he's a sweet, if somewhat chatty person. Well, we'll see how it goes.

I was busy aaaaalll day on several projects, and I was really a trooper up until 7PM, when I started to forget numbers Cheryl had given me and made several glaring, but not disasterous errors. Oh well, soon the day was done eh?

We didn't get out till about 8 something. . .blarg. .. but to celebrate our stint of living together and also my surviving ten days in Oahu, we went to a DELECTABLE Indian restaurant ( I can't spell that word) and had our fill of Chicken Curry and Dahl (a dish of lentils and potatoes mixed in a gravy with cilantro and many many spices. And to drink we had Mango lassi, a fruit yogurt drink which cools the tongue after all that spice. What makes Indian food so wonderful is that warm, rich mix of spices. Warm is definitely important.

It always suprises me how useful talking to Cheryl is, as I often forget that she's been in my shoes, and has had to make alot of the decisions I'm facing right now. We talked about alot of things: relationships, careers, siblings, etc. And it was good. I'm glad I'm making friends here, even if they aren't wild crazy ones like at home. Nobody could replace them :)

Already, I feel like I've come full circle in my life, living here in Hawaii. I mean, for starters, I was born by the ocean. I lived by the ocean. I grew up for four years in a surfer/hippy town (Santa Monica) walking hand in hand with my dad. This feels alot like home, in that sense. I wish I had time to learn to surf, and I wish I had the skin for it too. One day of snorkelling and I'm already hooked. I want to take those fins and glide about for hours. But more than all this ocean stuff. . . I'm actually really happy. The weather is beautiful, the plants are amazing, the wildlife--aside from the cockroaches--is intriguing, the people are friendly and calm, the food is. . . well you've already heard about the food :) The lab is wonderful. The work I'm doing is interesting, and I understand so much of it this time around. I'm interacting with people, interesting people who have interesting things to say, on a daily basis. Sometimes I even get a compliment on my work, and that makes my day. Research maybe isn't so scary. .. . ok, it still is.

For so long, I've felt like half of me, like there were little gears in my head that were broken or failing. But I feel a bit healed, and alot rested. And it is good. Time is so important, and we should never forget that.

Tomorrow, I think, I move into the house I'll be house-sitting for. Wish me luck and I'll let you know how it goes!

Then end of the Sunday story

After reaching shore, and deciding the snorkelling really wasn't that good, we decided to go to the shrimp shack (actually a run-down bus on the roadside) to get some delcious shrimp scampi. . .mmmmm. And then it was back Honolulu, for some R&R before squidding.

It was 9PM when we ended up heading out to catch squid for the lab. The moon was full and soft, and the water was bathwater warm again, and we trudged up and down the sandbar looking for little bobtail squid with our nets and flashlights. Seems like I developed a good eye for them, I caught three! I was relieved to catch ANY. I also saw a lizard fish buried in the sand, and at one point a very large and angry octopus streaking by my leg in an elongated red hurry. It was quite an experience all and all, and a very tiring one at that. But hopefully, we helped stockt the lab's dwindling supply.

So now it's monday! Yes!

Weekend In Review

Ok, so it's really hard to do multiple-day entries, but I'll try my darndest.

The rest of the week was not very exciting. I did lab work, narrowly averting disasterous mistakes on more than one occasion. I learned how to get bacteria to colonize squid, and how to squish up the squid afterwards. I also saw some beautiful microscopy at the lab meeting on friday. . .ooooh pretty! But other than that, I'm still waiting for primers that I ordered to do a PCR, which is the important first step of getting my project underway basically.

Saturday started out with plans to go snorkelling, soon giving way to a spontaneous invite to a lab barbecue. . . how could we refuse? So I got some interneting done a the lab, performed a simple cell transformation while I was there, and then we went off for groceries and then off to the barbecue, where we were met by kewalo lab folks Christian, Francois (who IS french btw), and Kate (who is british, I think). We spent a goodly time lying about getting sandblasted, and eventually grilling with other folks that arrived. There I was introduced to the new love of my life. . . poke. Poke is raw fish marinated in delicious things. It is even better than sashimi. Holy Crap.

I like the people in this lab. The grad students aren't much older than I am, and they have great senses of humor. I think they're not used to me yet, but I don't care if they never are: I'm happy just to be here.

Went home, watched most of "My Fair Lady" for the heck of it, and fell asleep

Today has been much more adventuresome. First of all, went to the lab as always and I got to chat a bit, and I got an e-mail from Dave D. that just made my day completely, so off to a good, glowingly happy start. We drove to the North Shore of Oahu, passing through beautiful green valleys so green I was almost convinced it was plastic--which hasn't been disproven yet. Our first stop: the Dole Pineapple Farm. fields and fields of pineapple, and tourists, and also the largest maze in the world? I got a delicious pineapple sherbet in waffle cone, which was great enough. TO top it off, they had a super cute giftshop, and I got a hello kitty shirt that says "Want a slice?" and also the cutest hello kitty watch in the history of the world, with little pink plastic beads floating around the dial. I like hello kitty.

Then we went to SHARK'S COVE---oooh! sounds so scary! to try out our snorkel gear. Supposedly, this place is great for such activities, but after braving the rocks and waves out into the open water, we both found the visibility poor. . ..but right off, we did see A GREEN SEA TURTLE! Yeah! It swam quite close to us, checking us out a bit as we did the same, and then was on it's way. And then we were on our way. The ocean swells were picking up, and we thought we better get in before it was too dangerous. But we weren't sure where to go back in through the cove.

It was at this point we met a man with long sandy hair and mustache in a wetsuit swimming around without fins. He quickly told us "Hey man, whoah, that was the biggest shark I've ever seen! I'm getting out of here!"

We didn't buy it.

"Oh man, just kidding ya" he admitted. He then told us there was an 8 foot monk seal out past the rocks, which we half-way believed. "Oh man, I'm like bleeding from five different places you know"

At which point I backed away.

"Yeah man, I went out there without fins man, I went out there to die, you know? To suck down the water totally"

Cheryl still wasn't buying it, she smiled and laughed.

"Seriously, I went out there to die today, but I ended up helping some folks out there. Hey, do you guys need help in?" He asked. We did, so we took his advice, which led us over the rocks to get to shore. The waves were getting rather furious, and there really is the danger that they'll lift you up and drop you on a sharp piece of coral and you won't be happy. It was kindof surreal, knowing you could really get hurt. I did a good job, flipping methodically over some rocks to safety.

To Be Continued.

Yarrr!!!!

Just wanted to share the weird dream I had last night. I dreamt they moved Henry (our fabulous dorm) into an old renovated mansion--better than Bowler, with hardwood floors! My room was basically a landing in the middle of a spiral staircase, lit with candles and ooooh! so romantically cool! A room full of couches replaced our old lounge--pretty well considering that room was full of couches too--and all the old lounge denizens were sprawled out and content. living sweet, oh yeah.

And then the freshmen arrived.

It was obvious that someone had to let them know, and fast, what kind of place they were living in. SO, I hopped on my scooter and began swooping about the living room floor, singing merrily "Yo-ho! Yo-ho! a Pirate's Life for Me!" (ala Disney Pirates of the Carribean ).

It was a good dream, but also really just a variation of my typical dream where I'm back at Hiram, and I'm looking for Dave but can't find him, and wacky antics ensue in the process. The night before, I dreamt I walked into a class that I didn't remember taking all semester, just in time for a test---BLARGH! This is one of my mom's most repeated dreams! OH NO! I MUST BE GETTING OLDER!

I also have been waking up at about 2AM every night convinced that I have bugs on me. This is pretty sucky. Last night, it was a trail of fire ants. . . the night before that, spiders. It always seems to happen when I'm away from home and sleeping in a strange place. SO, if I come sleep over at your house, and I wake up in the middle of the night screaming "TARANTULAS! GET THEM OFF ME!!!"

please try to understand :)

SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM!

Ok, so looks like updates will be at the mercy of fate, so you can guess how regularly I'll post.

So, here's a whirlwind tour of my first weekend in Hawaii:

Saturday afternoon I spent my time wandering the outlet malls of honolulu whilst Cheryl finished up some beta-gal assays--which would take alll day. I was very pleased to find being a pedestrian here is a much nicer experience than in Columbus. Stupid Columbus. Nobody bugged me here, or really even paid any notice of my presence, except a mentally deficient young man in Borders, but he was nice and just wanted to know what country I was from. Why me? I don't know. I finished my tour of shopping heaven with a smoothie at Jamba Juice, where I sat and admired local fashion, which is oh-so-comfortable and casual and yet very pretty. Girls with a flower behind one ear.

Saturday night was a great feast of sashimi (raw tuna dipped in soy sauce and wasabi) and also some grilled tuna and zuchinni. . . made my tummy very very happy, because I'm addicted to raw fish and seafood in general. Cheryl and I sat down and watched "The Princess Diaries" which is VERY CUTE and girly. Actually rather quirky indeed. I fell asleep content on my air mattress.

Sunday morning we got up bright and early to meet Cheryl's cousin for breakfast--This is the person who's house I'll be house-sitting. So we were off the manoa valley, a lush, cloudy locale more inland. At the top of a hill (most houses in hawaii seem to be perched on hillsides) we met up with Cousin Anne and her son Sean. We hopped on bikes from there, and careened down the hill again for a breakfast of banana pancakes, mushroom omellete, bacon, and french toast. Delicious again! My neighborhood is really cute, very quiet, and even has a farmer's market! We visited the latter after chatting and eating. There were people selling everything from orchids to lychee fruits. Neat! Then came the grand tour of the house--absolutely gorgeous with dark wood floors and windows overlooking a lush garden with gardenia and ginger and a million other plants---and also a stream. JOOOYYY!!

Soon we were off again for a hike to the manoa falls, where I was transported to Malaysia, in my mind. It's pretty much the same again. Even smells the same, again. Crazy. I discovered that having a dog is a great way to make friends, as Cheryl brought Buddy with her, and started many conversations with fellow hikers that way.

Then we went to beach! I forget which one. But the water IS turquoise, and warm as bathwater. I sneak over to a group of old ladies and just bob in the waves with them. It's a good way to spend some time. I didn't even get sunburnt.

Back home, and I am soooo tired. We have chicken enchiladas and I am again thankful for being able to stay with someone who loves to cook. We have another girls night watching "Bachelorettes in Alaska"--a great show for vicarious dating and just all around entertainment. It's nice to be staying with a friend of sorts.

Monday comes too fast, and it's time to be in lab. But that goes quite alright, because the first week will be a slow one. I cram my brain full of information, reading scientific papers until my little cranium reaches critical mass. And then I get some e-mailing done, and then I go home. Day done--Oh! had Shoyu chicken and brown rice and ceasar salad!! delicious again! As you can see, food is important to me :)

Today was also a good day. I helped patching out colonies for Cheryl, and also met Kenneth, the master of squishing squids for research. I wasn't sure how to feel when he asked me if I was completing my masters degree or doctorate. . .turns out I'm only a year older than he is. Oh well, such is life. Kenneth is a laid-back kinda guy, but he always goes around looking for more work to be done. I admire that, but I can't follow his example especially well. I was amazed that he wanted to know what was "happenin'" on the mainland. Compared to Hawaii, I don't know what there is really. But I guess it's all a question of perspective.

The afternoon brought the first lab meeting of my witnessing here. It was very informal, but extremely productive. These ladies of science mean business, and I as so pleased just to be there. I like the sense of humor this lab has, from the bucket for collecting golf balls found on squidding trips titled "The Golf-Ball Shrine: offer golf balls in the hopes ye will find more squid!" to jokes about hovering over the squid and waiting for them to die so you can take their retinas!!

ok, you'd have to be there for that one.

The point is. . . it's really nice hear, and I'm so glad. Nothing could be worse than to be far from home in an unwelcoming place. And so far, I've been welcomed. So huzzah!

I want news of home, though, so keep it coming!

ALOHA

I didn't really wake up until the clerk at the ticketing counter pointed to my gate number, D88, and said "'D' as in 'Dave'" It's a crazy coincidental world isn't it?

I got searched right as I was trying to board the plane, for reasons unknown. I even had to take my shoes off! But it's ok, the folks were nice and very excited once they learned where I was going and why :) They held the plane for me, and I had to walk in last all by myself. Demoralized, I sat down in my seat, and fell asleep.

Chicago O' Hare was very modern, and beautiful, but not too horribly busy in the morning hours. I sat down at my gate and soon after I made friends with an electrician named Wes, who reminded me of Boner in 15 years with a sort of fu manchu mustache and beard. I guess once he figured out I was MUCH younger than he was, he decided he should be on his way :)

On the plane, I thought I had no seat, only to find a Professor Goldbergh look-alike had taken my seat by mistake. No worries. I sat down next to a couple from Raliegh, NC and quickly made friends with them. They were around my parents age, so I had a great time pretending to be their kid for awhile, instead of my all by myself.

Landing in Honolulu was amazing. The water somehow manages to be these impossible shades of turquoise, aqua, and grey-purple-blue. Folks applauded when we neared touchdown, and my new parents agreed you really shouldn't applaud until the plane is LANDED. oh well.

Everything I loved about Malaysia is here, somehow--the food, the weather, the plants, minus the scariness, so far. Cheryl, the lady I'm staying with, is very nice, and has a little studio with a lanai (patio) that overlooks the ocean. She also has a labrador named "buddy" who I found next to me when I awoke this morning. Reminds me of my dog Pepper. . .so it makes me happy.

The lab isn't as slick as the biotech dept. at OSU, but hell, the office window show's THE OCEAN and people SURFING. Can't beat that. There is also a little black cat named "Spooky" who is the official lab cat. She greeted us upon arrival. Welcome to my summer!

I'll try to keep everyone posted how it's going, and PLEASE E-MAIL ME BECAUSE HOMESICKNESS IS LIKELY regardless of how beautiful it is, and how much good food I can eat :)

Out of body experiences

how often do you hear yourself saying things and suddenly wonder "what the heck am I saying? what the heck am I doing?!"

Ok, I used to get that feeling alot back in my moody (heh) teenage days when I'd hear myself saying all these angry things and wonder why I was so angry, but it hasn't been until lately that I've felt that way again. It's strange, and yet now rather wonderous to feel like another, nicer side of you has taken over and is doing the right thing, while your less attractive selfish side pouts in the corner. My new internal motto is to quit whining, and hopefully this is the inaugural act of a new age of reason for me. But this kindness in the face of all that has been is strange, and against reason.

Which has led me back to a conclusion: none of us really know anything. Don't ask me to explain how I get here. But this especially applies to love. It feels so much better to look at someone else's relationship, and go "wow, that's messed up." And certainly there are many ill relationships out there. But alot of the time, we just want to be critical of anyone other than ourselves.

But now I know.

Everyone's got an evil side, and everybody has something to work on in a relationship. We're all just trying, dammit, trying to find a place in the world next to someone else. Someone nice, who can make you laugh, make you feel special, and to hide from lonliness with. That's really all, and you would think that was a simple endeavor.

We shouldn't take comfort in other people's clumsy efforts at happiness. We should at least reach out and lend a hand when we can. Because not many of us will walk this road without getting some skinned knees.

As for the mundane events of the day: I am slooowwwwly packing. I am working against this tremendous inertia from sitting around for weeks without having anything immediate to attend to. So now, I'm washing clothes and trying to make lists of things I'm likely to forget but definitely need to have. . . which isn't really the best way to go.

Don is making an omellete

Ok, I was strapped for a title. Oh man, and there's a heapin' big mosquito on the keyboard. Such is life, in the summer, in my house, where the screens likely have holes :)

Today was very much uneventful. I woke up at 8AM, cooking like an egg on the couch due to direct sun and all my blankets. I crawled to the floor and fell asleep there. ahh, the joys of waking up alone? Eventually, around noon, I re-awoke and went about brushing my teeth and attempting some breakfast. I was just getting settled chatting with Dave, when the van rolled in and Mom, Dad, and Don arrived.

What ensued from the minute they walked in was a long, frustrating block of time I don't care to rehash in great detail. To sum it up, Don had a great time, scored tremedously well on his placement exams, and made a million friends--which was all fine and great by me. But then Mom just would NOT stop talking about all of it, and how funny it was that Gerstacker, Hiram's new science building, would fit in a "leeetttlle itty bittty corner of the WVU's new biology building." I don't know why this stuff always bugs me, this teasing of Hiram's size. But what really frustrated me was that I couldn't defend my school, because the minute I did I knew it would be "Oh now, big sister's jealous I think!" from mom, who for the moment considered Don the golden boy of the millenium. I just don't like being unable to defend or really react in any way but a spacey "ooh, that's greeeat" kind of way. If I do react, mom is unstable enough emotionally that she'll get ragingly upset, and then dad will yell at me, and then despite the fact I never give them ANY trouble, never rebelled much, always got good grades, was nice to my brother even when he was the biggest jerk alive. . . I'm still the evil bad one. And to top it all off, there was a long line of criticisms for me in regards to how the house had been kept in the ONE DAY I was there alone. Thanks for the gratitude, folks.

Only other big event today was watching "AI" which was a great thing to have done. I can see why it totally fizzled at the box office, mainly because it's a very though-provoking movie--and that hardly ever works out. WOW, though. I was really freaking impressed. I highly recommend it, especially if you liked "Blade Runner." It ever-so-gently paralells a famous fairytale, in such a way that really is nothing short of beautiful. I loved it. And yeah, I cried at times. I never used to cry so much. . . it's a curious thing. Seems like it doesn't take much at all anymore. But that's ok, being easily moved isn't so bad. . .you should see how easy it is to be happy!

Last minute addition, because I'm almost sleepy

I've lately been playing around on the message board created by my highschool compatriots, entitled House of Doom::Monumental Timesuck. I've got to admit, it's been a nice way for some exchange to occur between people I rarely see and frankly didn't get to know *all* that well in the time we shared AP classes. Could be a nice thing for THE LOUNGE. . . it is rather in the style of The Thinkery. Who knows? If anyone get's tremendously bored, they are welcome to join us and get things a little more bizzare. . .these folks need it! OK! that is all :)

Oh yeah! I also had a dream I stole Dave K's car. . . I needed a getaway car from some bad guys, so dammit I took it, and lost it somewhere when I parked. Oh well, it was the first ever dream where I actually was successful at driving, and also recognizing I was in a dream without waking up! YAY!

It's monday and I'm an only child

How else could I describe it? OH, how about humid and muggy?

Mom and Dad took Don down to Morgantown for freshman orientation at WVU. Whilst down in more southern locales they'll also visit my Grandpa Pollack. I *think* they're coming back this evening :) Of course, Mom took the book I was reading with her, without telling me. So now it's either be online or do constructive things . . . .

Grandpa Garvin and I took Liz to her first year of Senior 4-H Camp. It was certainly strange and wonderful to walk into Camp Russel, the place I spent a week of my summer singing and cheering and other such campy things for ten years total. The place is almost spooky, it's so crammed full of memories. There was the long hill I had to limp up when I'd badly sunburnt the backs of my knees and they had scabbed over--that was the year I earned the knickname "Gimpy." There was the trail I used to sneak off onto, when I was a junior counselor, to rendevouz with my boyfriend during breaks. The porch where I read the Storyteller's Guide to Werewolf for the first time--and got my first glimpse of the infamous cardgame "Magic." And of course, there was council circle--rather like tribal council on "Survivor" if you need an idea. Every evening of every day at camp, we'd all meet there to sing songs and perform bizzare skits and LIGHT A CAMPFIRE. What could be better? I didn't realize how much I missed it until today. There were so many familiar faces. . .some belonging to my old camp friends who are now counselors, and some belonging to their younger siblings. It's a whole new generation baby.

Liz brought along her friend Sam, and they went through the registration line together, while Grandpa and I went up to the Oglebay Mansion Museum to look at some antique Garvin's Dairy signs. When we came back, Sam was in tears. Apparently, through some mishap, she had been assigned to Cabin 12, while Liz was to be in Cabin 11.

"And. . .. I . . don't know ANYONE IN THERE!" she cried. We all did our best to comfort her, but there was little to be done. It was strange to see, as Sam usually acts quite independant, with a sharp sarcastic wit on her. But she's still only 13. We walked the two girls down to the cabins. These cabins at Camp Russel are set up as two rooms full of bunks abutting one another. The walk from the door of 11 to 12 takes less than 5 seconds to make. But she still was crying when we left her. Such is life, and at that age, that IS tragedy.

After that, it was off to the DMV to get my driver's license renewed! As it expires on my birthday, I don't want to be left in Hawaii without a valid ID when I turn 21--for obvious reasons. Strangely, the DMV gave me no hassle this time around. I just went in, showed em' some ID, and they took my picture, my thumbprint, and my signature. . . and I was done! WOW! I was happy to see I didn't look that much different from that 18 year old girl in the old ID. Maybe things haven't changed as much as I think they have.

SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY!!

This has to have been, hands down, the laziest weekend of my life--which is pretty great mostly. There are many phases to life. . . mainly four:
worried
not worried
sleepy
not sleepy

I have been SOOO FREAKING TIRED lately, and I have finally stopped worrying why and chalked it up to not having to do much of anything. I'm ignoring the atrophy in my muscles with the promise that I will bike and walk all over the place in Hawaii. That and my goal to live as much on seafood as possible. SUSHI!!! SASHIMI!!!! YES!

I never thought that inactivity would be a problem for me. . . but I guess I'll never be a true slacker. It's been driving me bonkers to sit around with nothing to do and NO FRIENDS TO TALK TO--mainly the latter. It's been good to sit and think though, about alot of things. I needed to just immobilize for awhile, after everything obviously. At the exact polar opposite of worrying is not worrying, and I should add the caveat that not worrying about anything isn't good for long periods of time, but is theraputic in the short term.

Man, I love having advice to give. I bet one day, if not already, I'll be insufferable. But it's so exciting when you learn something new that changes your outlook on life. So bear with me. whenever. if you feel like it. Yeah, so this is a warning that the next paragraph is all about personal revalations.

I learned that most of the hurt I felt and also the distrust I had stemmed from the fact that I didn't feel like a worthwhile person anymore. I mean, I'd look at other girls and think, "They're prettier, who's to say he wouldn't like them better?" I mean, yuck! how do you get over hearing stuff like that in your head every time you go outside? It's total crap. But sometimes, it takes a while to realize it IS total crap.

So bascially that's what happened this week. I just have to keep giving myself the Stuart Smalley Speech, and I'll be free to be happy. Amazing how simple, and yet how difficult that can be :)

Sooo. . .this is the last week home. Early Friday (6AM in fact) I'm off to Hawaii. Crazy. Freaking Crazy. This is a last call for addresses if you want postcards!

What Jelly Belly flavor are you? I'm -

Find your flavor here!

Oh dear. . Innocent? Geesh, all my hard work just doesn't pay off! ;)

Big Heapin' Talk about the HereAfter

You know, it's a funny thing. In the beginning, it's easiest to villanize your enemy. Yeah, make them into some evil, venom-dripping monster of an arch nemesis. Give them superhuman intelligence geared only towards ruining your life and taking away everything you hold dear. Fangs are a bit over the top, yes.

In the beginning, it's easiest. Frankly, I recommend it. I once read that nothing unites a group of individuals like a common enemy, and I'm thinking the same principle applies to all the bits and pieces that make up your own dear self. When the pain is too complex to handle over one drink or one long talk. . .well, what could be better than to blame it on someone else?

But then the inevitable happens. You get better, and that haze of pain kinda dies away, and you realize you're enemy is A)human, B)not to blame for all your woes, really, or C) A and B. And then everything goes from complicated to disheartening. Somehow, I think I have found that humans are scarier than monsters, because they're everywhere, and I am one. And, friends and neighbors, when you realize you aren't that different from your chosen enemy, where do you go from there?

Ah, therein lies the rub.

But I've done this whole scenario before. Heartbreak? Geesh, I did go through highschool. What happened to me this year? I did it to a guy in highschool. What a sick fact THAT was to realize. It was the same, right down to the messy repeated break-ups. And why do I get so pissed about indecision? Well, while reading the first book in the Elric Trilogy, I came across a little statement: "How the weak hate weakness." And I think that applies here. But I'm getting sidetracked. Ancedote time!

In highschool, I fell head-over-heels in love with a guy. Geesh, fell in love with him in kindgarten, and finally got the chance to actually date him my Senior year. I was psyched, to say the least. And then, highschool-tragedy struck: One day I was snuggling with him on a field trip, and the next, his graduated ex-girlfriend came to school. Soon after, he had to make a decision between the two of us, and I knew I was done for. But still, it hurt. Man, it hurt a hell of a lot. Heh, I could wail and moan about this crap all day. Why doesn't it hurt today like it did when I came off the speech team bus weeping like a silly loser who just got dumped? Because in the end he dumped her and dated me. Score one for Amber. And that's when I can rest assured that I am just as evil as anyone else.

Because it always has been about the ego. It's been about being better and winning. I keep having this recurring dream, about people who never showed any interested in the theatre showing up at my rehearsal or audition. And today I figured it out. It's about intrusion. It's about a stage I always thought was mine, and the frustration that comes with realizing it isn't. For the most part, I've been generally happy when I felt that someone, typically a guy, thought I was the prettiest and most wonderful thing ever. Sure, I knew and still know that I'm not. There's always someone bigger, better, and smarter out there. But as long as there was one person who wasn't associated with my parents that would choose me over anyone else out there. . . I was pretty darn fulfilled. No, it's not smart.

The problem is, the way things are now, I can't seem to convince myself that I won. And I'm guessing it's because I'm not supposed to reach that conclusion, because what a doozy of a lesson that is! I guess this is growing up. Learning that you can't delude yourself forever, on top of learning what a gaping chink you've got in your armor. Oh my! It sucks. I am often ashamed. I am even more often resentful. Oh dear, I could go on and on about how much I laid out on the table, and how for a month or two all I got was a couple pennies for my thoughts. But that's worthless talk. What is important is that I hurt less now than I did. All I can do is shrug and keep going. And just pray it gets better from here on out. Lessons learned and all that jazz.

In the end, blaming someone else for all your problems, imagining all sorts of awful things were happening to them. . .well, it's good in the short term. Frankly, I think it's a human necessity. Yeah, I've had lots of time to get aquainted with the some rather ugly parts of myself, parts of me that could help take all the pain and direct it at something else. But the time comes when you've got to rip off that bandaid; when you've got to unmask your monster. I learned this long before 2002. Mainly, what I wanted to convey was the third step in the dance. You realize the worst enemy is really yourself. And from there. . .well, there's alot you can do.
----------------------
Epilogue: a nice snippet from Mr. King's short story "1408" :

Nevertheless, he picked the menu up. It was in French, and although it had been years since he had taken the language, one of the breakfast items appeared to be birds roasted in shit. That at least sounds like something the French might eat, he thought, and uttered a wild distracted laugh.
He closed his eyes and opened them.
The menu was in Russian.
He closed his eyes and opened them.
The menu was in Italian
Closed his eyes, opened them.
There was no menu. There was a picture of a screaming little wood-cut boy looking back over his shoulder at the woodcut wolf which had swallowed his left leg up to the knee. The wolf's ears were laid back and looked like a terrier with his favorite toy.
I don't see that, Mike thought, and of course he didn't.

BEAM ME UP, SCOTTY

Whoah, what a weird feeling it is to be suddenly in Hiram, surrounded by people my own age, and then just as quickly find myself back at home, surrounded by internet-nazi siblings.

Let me hang my head low and say I kinda sucked as a visiting friend. This guy of mine, he's so nice that I get even more distracted then I usually am! Oh well. I still miss you guys, and I'm sorry you didnt' get to see my haircut, as some of you have been wondering exactly what it looks like. Well, I'll probably keep it this way, as it met with approval all day. Even Tom Bardwell, who is typically more Dave's friend than mine, said he loved it!!! That made me happy. I have the most fragile ego--I'm trying to work on that--and it's still frankly *bruised* so every little bit helps! But awareness of that weakness helps me to understand my bad nerves, my unfounded mistrust, and other bits of junk I am eager to toss out. So compliment the Leo! Yeah!

What else is there to say? Mom's visit to the Cleveland Clinic went well--they want her to come back for a full workup, which makes us happy as it may let us finally know what's wrong. Ach, at like $5,000 a day, I hope her stay will be worth it.

Wish the Staff of Dray headed to Wisconsin luck! They are flying on Thursday morning! Send your luck to whomever you choose :)

-Amber-

I knooow what you're thinkin'. . . I haven't been drinkin'

First of, let me say I MISS YOU TOO ALICE!!! It sounds like she's about as bored as I am, although she has someone cute to snuggle with. I hope everything goes well in Alice-land.

Second. . . Luck has struck me again. Hitchin' a ride to Hiram on Wednesday with my parental units!

Today was rather unremarkable until the afternoon, when we took mom to a reading with a psychic, aforementioned. For some reason, I believe the reason being that mom didn't ask me to go in with her, I stayed with dad in the car. Mom came back an hour later with 2 pages of notes--->messages from those who had passed on. At first I was extremely dissapointed to hear there were no messages for me. At first. There were messages for Don and Liz, but nothing for me. I felt yucky about that. In fact, they got full predictions of the fields they would succeed in. I got nada. The lady was bonafide though, having several messages for Dad which involved references not even my mom knew about. No bad news. . .thank the lord yes.

In the end, I managed to extract from her that there was a short reference to me, only to say that she had a daughter who had finished her third year of college, and that she had just made a change in major, which I eventually got mom to clarify as a "major change." which made more sense. Predictions for my future? I am seen surrounded with "light and happiness" which I will take as a good omen, especially the glaring lack of any warnings of bad things to come. Such is my choice to ignore the fact that it would be pointless to warn me of anything at this point. At first, I was a bit disgruntled that, unlike my siblings, I had no great success planned for my career. . but then I realized that A) being famous isn't all that great B) maybe there are alot of great possible futures ahead of me, and C) Perhaps my parents are withholding that information so that it does not bias my future.

In the end, I am forced to believe in this. Not that it changes much. I've had enough major changes already.

Amber, on wacked out brain chemistry

Grumble, grumble, grumble. My nerves have been bad lately. I guess that's the only accurate way to put it. No dramatic disease, no "rather delicate condition" (heh, I CANNOT believe I just put a "Titanic" reference in here). Just a bad emotional spell probably brought about by my weird chemistry. I've been nauseous, weepy, sleepy, and just plain paranoid. By this point, I'm feeling much better, and wondering what the heck I was thinking. But my leg is asleep. Damnit.

Ok, so I'm better, yes. Not 100%, no not by any means. But better :)
---------------------------------------------------------------
I feel Summer creepin' in and I'm
tired of this town agaaaaiinnn.
--Tom Petty, "Last Dance with Mary Jane"

I have no idea how this song made me feel better.

Let me just say that "Everything's Eventual," a collection of short stories by Stephen King, has been a most enjoyable read. I remember now why he is my favorite author, hands down. Man, I want to love how Stephen King writes: openly and without self-conscious bullshit. When it's scary, or dirty, or funny, or sad. . ..He just delivers.

It is at this point, in the spirit of Tony Awards acceptance speeches, that I'd like to thank Dave D. for putting up with my craziness. I've already thanked and apologized a million times, but heck, what's one more time eh?

OK! that's all for now I guess!

Amber, On Weddings, Take 2

Prologue: the Pollack family, minus Dad, went to the mall, where I imagined the perfect shirt for myself to wear to today's wedding, and then miraculously I found that exact shirt five minutes later. Perfect in every detail. Wow. I bet you're impressed now.

Yeah

I've been in another funk, and I absolutely hate it. I don't even know why I am. It sucks. I am such a broken thing, and I keep forgetting that.

Today's wedding was MUCH better. It was prettier, "with more polish" Mom described. The decorations were nicer, the reception was, by far, better thought out. The music, while still canned, was much more fun. My brother, mister stick-in-the-mud man, caught the garter and actually danced for a long period of time. I was amazed. We had a good time. I already caught the bouquet a looong time ago, so I placed myself behind alot of tall girls and just acted as filler for the photographs.

Still, I reiterate the need for good live music. The nicest thing was a little flyer at each table with the story of how the bride and groom met, how he proposed, and short bio's on the wedding party. Nice touch. *sigh* but I think I'm done with weddings for awhile. They are frustrating events, what with their lectures on true love during the ceremonies where I sit and think about how I used to feel that way.

yeah.

Oh, it's not like I don't completely anymore. But like I said, today i'm bummed, and I can feel the fault lines in my little ticker. I hate this. And that one dream I had a long while back exemplified my fear that I'll never get better. That's scarier than my new book of Stephen King short stories, "Everything's Eventual" by far. By far.