Some Days are Better than Others

It's, to me, the golden standard of facts. Can't be happy forever, can't be sad forever. And from yesterday evening through this morning, it's on the bluer side of things.

Part of it is that I've felt tired all week. Not just sleepy, but that achy sort of tired that makes you think maybe you've got the flu or something. I just don't feel rested, even after getting 10 hours of sleep yesterday. Can't satisfy the lethargy.

On the bright side, it looks like whatever drama was brewing in my clique within a clique has faded and played out. Sure, there's still spurts of it. But people look happier, though still tired.

I guess I'm just tired. Being happy doesn't take effort, but avoiding unhappiness does. It's that time of the month where I just want to cuddle up with someone who cares, not hit the bar scene or fish around for a date. I'm not sure the latter is ever going to work.

I'm proud of myself for trying to help my friends out. That's something I've typically been crappy about. Always off in my own little world. I tried to help this time around, and i think maybe I did a little. I do care. But now I feel kindof spent. It's not good to work so hard assuring everyone you're ok, when really you aren't. I'm not seriously bad. Just not as good as I'd like. Things are busy enough without trying to put bandaids on everything.

Being semi-productive

It somehow seems like a long time since I enjoyed school and felt really good at it. I mean, you never LIKE school when you're younger, but I remember when I used to feel smart. And then hormones and insecurity kicked in, and there were boys to moon over and sleepovers. . .eh, you get the picture. Life more frenzied and complicated, and school was just some hoops to jump through.

Today was maybe the first day, in many years, that I felt like I was smart and productive and worthy of being paid to go to school.

I went in to lab the night before to read a paper or two for class on Monday. Came in early (8AM, peh, I know, not that early, for you maybe) and two more papers in the morning, paid attention in my Path 750 class, where the professor actually used the word "Pimp" during a lecture on the immune system. Participated in discussion in the next class. Had a wonderful lunch with friends, where we kindof laid out what the week might be like, from a social standpoint, and thought about where to focus good vibes this week.

Then back to lab to wait for Ned to call from Hawaii to discuss two more papers I was to read. It's something we've established since Ned is in Hawaii for a couple more months, and it will help me get settled into the system I'll be doing research on. Last week, I felt like I did a really mediocre job discussing papers. In my reading, I focused on all the wrong things, and breezed over the important points that Ned asked questions about. But THIS week, I knew what to look for. Ned asked alot of tough questions that I actually fired back correct answers for, like the difference between strain ESR1 and ES114, or how I thought something should work. I was just beaming when I hung up the phone.

Went to my kickboxin' fitness class (I'm the only one who leans low on my kicks, so I feel special), then hopped a bus home to take a shower and eat dinner and actually see Dave. I'm really glad we aren't all pissed off at eachother. Gives me somebody to call names.

Then back on to campus to work on a really lame assignment due Tuesday afternoon. 4 page critique on a paper for Topics Class. Fell asleep reading the paper in the library, so I moved to the Old Biochem building, bought a Butterfinger and a cherry coke, plopped down on the couch, and read even more scientific journal articles. My brain is now full. I feel like I really worked on alot of things today--although the paper isn't going to get written till tomorrow. I'll get in at 8AM and have approximately 6 hours to work on the damn thing, allowing for lunch.

There's still some drama going on--I'm getting the impression it's the price you pay for maintaining friends. Eventually drama happens and you are exposed to it. These friends are definitely worth it. Now if we could focus on keeping the group together, and not sharing a brain if it means we'll all be scatter-brained and forget to call people. . .

Tuesday is Mardi Gras!

Collage of a long friday
aka another ambiguous post

Can't help but be ambiguous, because these are ambiguous times. We all agree that February is always about drama. That people hold out trying to make their lives right, through Christmas, and then the New Year comes and we start taking stock of things. . .and by February, life has changed.

I'm not worried about being alone. I know that, depending on where I set my standards, I could always find someone. I feel for Eva because I know just what this part is like, where you don't want another relationship. You just want to feel loved, without having to love. Wanted. And you are convinced that this should be a golden opportunity: a girl looking for rebound and healing.

It SO isn't.

How do you walk that line? How do you find this person you could trust enough with your feelings and funny faces, who won't be upset that you refuse to fall in love with them just yet. That you could leave tomorrow. Where do you find the person that cares like that? By chance. I already had my chance in history. This time around, there are no friends with benefits to cushion my ego and help me move on with life.

Talked to Sharon at the reception for recruitment weekend. Wanted to give her fifty thousand hugs. She's being strong while her ex-boyfriend posts a weblog stating that he already has a crush on someone in the group. She thinks it's me. I don't know what to think. I don't want in the middle of this. I want to help Sharon, because it's like helping myself, you know?

I was sitting in stadium seating at the Kohl Center watching my first Badgers Hockey Game, and it seemed profound how this was the life I was living. Like waking up in bed when you fell asleep on the couch. I thought about how maybe Dave would have enjoyed the hockey game, complete with fights and cheers like "Get on your feet, old people"

I drove everyone around this evening--insisted Roger get to drink at the Essen Haus since he's giving up drinking for Lent. Got to feel useful and adventurous. Taught Jeremy a little bit of how to Polka. Let Amalia wear my pirate hat. Even got dipped on the dance floor--cheers from the girls for being the 'dancing queen'

Honestly, I don't know what to think.

Turn on the radio and its a Crash Test Dummies Song that Dave used to sing. In the car, the friends start singing "If I had a million dollars" and I flip out slightly. That's how Dave always got me, through music. So now I have to be careful. It's another careful time in my life--and it's so tiring.

Well, had my first "Firefly" dream last night.

Ok, ok, so the show's by Joss Whedon, so it was inevitable that along with "Amber as Buffy" dreams I'd have "Amber as captain of a firefly class vessel" dreams. I was skeptical of the show at first, given that Fox cancelled the show mid-season. But really, it's a VERY good show. Extremely character driven, but with a fresh mix of Space and Western. It's a damn shame that Fox canned it, especially before later episodes could be filmed.

In my dream, I was captain of a spaceship, and my friends and I were trying to outrun the law or some evil force. We hired a complete crew without telling any of them we were running from the law. At 4PM, while they were all still packing up their bunks onboard, we took off. The launch area was a long hallway, and as we lurched and zoomed forward down it, I could see one of the Harkonnen brothers run into the hallway behind the ship looking abandoned. "I'll miss that guy" Captain Amber said. We continued to pick up speed down the hallway, past residents of the port city we were docked in. They went about their business. At last, we saw the hatch opening to let us up into the sky, and it was then that the theme music started in. . . It was one of those dreams that you wake up from and just smile.

Of course, I woke up smiling, and realized I'd slept in till 10:30. . .but oh well.

I want a spaceship!

Also, I'm hoping to go to a Badgers Hockey game today. . . my new hockey name is: Vladimir Pollackov

My Wu Tang Klan Name is : Ungrateful Ninja!
(fun with name generators)

Ain't no suprise

I'm a big wuss.

PREFACE

My history of friendships with girls is perhaps more torrid and inconsistent than my romanitic history with boys. My friendships with girls, up until perhaps senior year of highschool, usually involved being friends for awhile and then one of us turning on the other in a firestorm of two-faced behavior, whispering bad things about that girl to new friends, and of course the old friends finding out. . . . I finally did get dependable friends late in highschool, but as soon as I got my first boyfriend I left them for the joys of making out.

When the honeymoon ended for me and Chris, I found myself single, but I also found myself being friends with the lovely Emily Fox. We supported eachother through our respective crushes and the subsequent dissapointments of crushing on anyone. We spent many speech-practice nights giggling about Dave K and watching her track-running guy scurry past the highschool at practice. We shared scenes and lip-synched backstage during the musical "Pippin." We designated eachother as twins.

And then I graduated, and started dating Dave K., and I really haven't seen Emily since.

For the majority of college, I didn't really have any close girl friends. I was friends with Eva before we broke off to date Sam and Dave. There was Vanessa, a fellow biology major, who I started out hating and ended up wishing I had spent more time with (my other bad habit: hating girls because they are too close to who I am, and then wanting to be their friends). It wasn't until Dave D. and I broke up in the spring of 2002 that I found myself depending on girl friends, specifically my dear Alice, who's weblog is linked here.

Alice, along with Sprite and Adam and James and of course, Sam, saved my life when everything seemed so crappy. She listened to my kiss-and-tell stories, and we got eachother on an emotional level.

And then I started dating Dave D. again, and we didn't see eachother so much.


Inaugural Meeting of the Prince Charming Fanclub and Anarchist Society
This Valentine's day was perhaps the most fun, emotionally comforting, and actually romantic Valentine's day that I've ever had, single or not. Sharon hosted myself, Sarah S., and Amalia for a single ladies' night. It was very important that we do this, since Sharon and I both are recently back to single-dom. Amalia made salad, Sarah made pasta, I made pina colodas and brought champagne and strawberries, and Sharon made TRUFFLES and cups of chocolate custard. We spent forever laughing and eating dinner. We watched "Chocolat" and laughed some more. Got online and I shared Homestarrunner and Sharon shared "Cows with Guns" and we googled everyone we could think of. We looked at orchestra trip pictures and college yearbooks.

By this point, it was 3 in the morning, and it was time to go home. SO we slowly packed up all the remaining goodies that we hadn't played or eaten. Sharon opened the door to let us out, and stopped. There in the door was a heart-shaped "Happy Valentine's Day" Balloon, a bag of hershey's dark chocolate kisses, and a note, which among other things had inscribed:

"To my favorite underground society"
--Prince Charming


From the handwriting, we could tell who it was. It took another hour maybe to stop giggling and take pictures of the Prince Charming Fanclub and Anarchist Society with our gifts. We all agreed it was perhaps the nicest V-day we'd ever had. And that really took me aback. I've been single, not single, broken up, and given gifts on V-day. And this was the best one, the one that made my heart especially warm and made me laugh all evening.

It makes me nervous. Because I fluxuate between really wanting to date someone, but I don't want to be all coupled again. I want to be free to have girl friends. I want to do both, and it should be possible. I need to work on it. It looks like I'll have time, because there is no prince charming for me yet. I'm not healthy enough in the heart, though somedays I feel perfectly fine. I want to be, for myself and for others. And I will be. I just wish I knew when!

So here's a toast to the lovely ladies who made my night so worthwhile, and to prince charming for making us feel special.

The lessons you learn

You know how some days go by quickly, and others never seem to end?

It's still Monday. And it's been a long day, for better or for worse. I woke up, delirious from sleep lasting 5 hours. . . I like that my eyes in the morning are so puffy they look like somebody else's eyes. I think maybe it's more exotic. Got up, and plonked down in front of AIM (that standard of post-breakup times) to chat with some early-morning friends. AIM chats are funny things, because you get alot more information out of people that way, even though it is so much more detached.

There have been several thoughts running through my head today, all dating-themed since it's almost V-day.

The first is how highschoolish life has become all of the sudden, since turning single. The micro program started out with the majority of men single and ladies taken. Now the single ratio is, I'd say, 5:5. I've chatted with Roger and Rhett about what prospects I have there. There's a bit of matchmaking already going on. It's all so highschoolish. Like in highschool, when I told my mom that I thought David K was cute, and then she told my speech coach, and my speech coach arranged somehow for him to ask me out to Prom. So I indicate to Roger the two guys I think are cute (can you believe using this word still?!). From then on, it's been me messing with my head, wondering if one of them actually likes me or am I reading too much into things?

I'm desperate to get my hopes up. I have to fight my brain not to start running with the idea that someone likes me, because it may not be so, and I didn't want to come down that hard. So I get info that one of the guys likes someone, but so-and-so cannot reveal whom, but when I ask "It's not me, right?" they reply that they aren't going to say who it isn't or is. So, in amber logic that means it IS me. And of course this monday morning I found out it wasn't. So my morning was utterly obliterated, emotionally. Later in the day, I found out that they had said if they could date anyone in the program, it would've been me, but I was taken. In my mind, that's an easy choice to make when there's no chance they might actually be able to date you.

Second thought is hesitancy. I'm hesitant, and too horribly eager to be off and romantic. I love to be in love, but it makes me sick to my stomach to think I'd be knee deep in another heavy relationship. It makes dating a fellow micro grad seem so tempting, because I would not have to work so hard to get to know them. I'm a friend-dater by trade. But the downside is that if I mess it up, I've messed up perhaps a friendship as well. We're all pretty darn close in the program, but so close that there's not much room for error. But then again, the element of risk is appealing. So appealing.

Really, after talking to Sprite and Roger, I found some peace within myself. For one thing, I WAS cute enough for someone to say that they thought I was cute and of everyone in the program, date me. So there is some hope maybe someday for that guy, but I will not push the issue. I really should try to enjoy this time, and feel my way towards a greater sense of independance.

That's what it really comes down to. What's really exciting isn't necessarily the masses of men that I *could* theoretically date. It's the fact that life has shoved me into a future that is far from predictable. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, but at least I feel like I own whatever future that is.

It's too easy

I was going to make some comparison of relationship withdrawl to drug withdrawl, but jesus christ that's an old and tired comparison. Downright true, though.

I find myself in the middle of the "don't want a real relationship, just justification I'm still dateable" phase, which is just after the "shock and awe" phase. I've accepted that things really ARE over, but now I'm getting antsy. Fidgety. Effected by the moon itself, maybe.

Friday was a crazy night, with a full Snow Moon to boot. People were breaking bottles all over the Cardinal's dance floor, while we were all drenched and sweatin' to 80's night. It was crowded, we were all hot, and the dancing felt good--just getting the chance to twist and turn and belt out "Like a Prayer." Maybe it's why I love dancing, because it lets you out. You get to feel sexy, and that's good medicine these days.

I'd like to say that something exciting happened on Friday, but really it wasn't a night for me. We all had a fantastic time, don't get me wrong. There are just some things I've let myself believe to feel better, and now I need to sit down with myself and say hey, you're a lovely lady, but don't get carried away. Don't start reading into things because really, I'm too eager for hope that someone else likes me. And I know it's gotten silly. I confessed my foolery to Sharon, who's also recently single and a captive passenger in my car, and I feel better about it now. I shouldn't need someone interested in me to feel good about myself.

But really, that's how I got out of depression last time I was single. It's harder here, where I'm still relatively new and not sure even attempting dating within the program would be a wise idea--but that's mainly the only people I know. "Long-term relationship" makes me feel nauseous. .. .so who would be decent but want to put up wtih me? Blargh. I wish there were an easy way to be dating happily again. Valentine's day, peh.

The bright side is that it seems likely Sharon will let me share her apartment next year. She's strange in the best ways and also recently single, so I have a friend to confide with. She also has a saltwater aquarium. Bonus.

The bad thing about Madison is:

Anybody remember the first time they drove when the roads were winter-terrible? I do, because I did it just a couple of hours ago. Around 4PM this afternoon the snow began to float in--it was really beautiful, and the air was in the balmy upper 20's. You know you've adjusted when 20 could honestly be classified as balmy. the snowflakes were light and fluffy, but falling pretty steadily for many many hours. Of course, I figured that, being the capitol of Wisconsin, Madison would have its main streets plowed by the evening.

I'm a damn fool, and I know that now.

My little honda, aside from the random audible complaints during the less-balmy -20 days, has been great to have around. Unfortunately the same light weight that makes it zippy also gives it a bare minimum of traction once the snow hits the road and becomes a heavy slush that no damn snowplows seem to care about. To top it off, I wanted to get to Zomary's house for movie night, and in a strange convergence of fate I had to make, like, 3 left turns from a full stop at intersections. Imagine it if you can. tires spinning, and me not going anywhere, exceptt right back freaking home, where I tried to get the fierce deity mask in Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask. . . . but I ran out of bombuchu's and gave up.

Dave's first day of work seemed to go really well, but I'm sure he'll say something about that. I'm happy he's got something to be happy about. I'm admittedly a little jealous of all those good things, but really we've both been blessed with some great opportunities this year. I have no idea where fate is taking either of us. I met our lab technician, who's a darn cool guy from Alaska. I believe he claimed he was the lone microbiologist in all of Fairbanks. I think. I'm glad he seems to be a calm non-fussy person. Here's to good first impressions.

Aside from these things, the only other highlight of my day was going over to the Southeast Recreational Facility (SERF) and taking a hip-hop dance class. Yeah, I know, it's pretty ridiculous sounding, and frankly it wasn't really all that fantastic, aside from the spritely little guy with the headset bopping around and leading us in Britney-esque routines. I don't think I'll be back again, although I had a good time. Just not very challenging, or rewarding. But certainly entertaining. And the SERF is HUGE, and packed with people at 5PM. There were literally herds of undergrads thundering down the indoor track. And me, lack-of-gym-ease girl, trying to just find my way to blend in.

Now to sleep I go--tomorrow is another schoolday

Much bigger post someday pending

At some point, I'm sure I'll post a long, drawn-out entry about the state of my life. But for now, so I can go to bed, I'll keep this short.

On the dark side,
It's a funny thing how drastic turns (don't they always seem drastic?) in your life can make you feel physically carsick? horrified? Very very ill. And yet life isn't all that different. But I hate having to discipline my thoughts so I don't careen into despair over things.

I've gained maybe 40 lbs since highschool. Not cool. I always vow not to look at scales, but I couldn't help it. This makes me nauseous too. It feels like waking up and realizing you've grown a second head. when did this happen? How could it?

On the bright side, Dave will have money soon, and I can start to spend money on myself again. Get a new haircut, start working out more. Finally got some info on my possible project for research. Might get to go to a meeting in Hawaii. I may become a viable, attractive human being.

I agree with Dave. Everything is looking up, almost.