ACH! IS IT MONDAY AGAIN?

Yes, and a yucky-weathered one at that. Peh.

What a weekend. What, a weekend? I don't know, felt like I didnt' get much sleep even though I slept in. Felt like I didn't get enough food, even though I ate every 3 hours. Felt like I didn't get enough relaxation, even though I watched, like, 4 movies. 3 in one day. Some weekends are just days between the weeks, you know?

I've reached my profound conclusion for the day:
Some days, the secret of living well is to think as hard and deeply as you can
Some days, the secret of living well is to think as little as possible.

Today seems like one of the latter sort of days. I'm finding I screw alot of things up by thinking too much. By worrying about the significance of my choices and actions to the point that I just freak out and try to change things. Sometimes, you have to close your eyes and just jump, just make one decision and see where it takes you---minus all the worries. Just live. Just be. There is plenty of time to find out what's right, and if all things go to crap here-->I'm off to Hawaii anyway, and soon after I'll graduate and start anew somewhere sunny.

So no hard thinking today. I've got enough homework to do anyway!

Here's something lovely because today is not very:

"Hawaiian Sunset"
By: Elvis Presley

Hawaiian sunset peeping from the sea
Smiles and says Aloha to his sweetheart Hawaii
The drowsy islands slumber one by one
Close their sleepy eyelids say goodnight to the sun

Then Hawaii like millions of times before
Blossoms in her lover's arms once more
Too soon the sunrise will wake her from her sleep
So until tomorrow, sleep Hawaii sleep.

There's no sun in Saturday

Ach, I have all of this free time, and I have no idea how I should spend it. Look up stuff online? Do my homework (on a saturday!!??)? Sleep till' dinner? Go for a walk? Water some plants? I'm lost. Can I come home with you?

Watched "Say Anything" for the first time last night. What a fabulous movie. It's funny, it's honest, it's REAL. Wow, and so quoteable too. I recommend it highly. THANKS ALICE!!!

I hate crying. Ok, I don't neccessarily hate crying; I better not, as I do it so damn often for any reason whatsoever. I seep like a boiled teabag, man. But I just finished crying again. Another weakness raises it's ugly head.

I remember sitting with my mom at a pizzaria in the mall. It was the break right after all the worst stuff happened--Spring Break I think--I was damn miserable. I mean, pathetically miserable. Everything reminded me of Dave. I cried several times every day. I kept obsessing about everything. How all of this could be over that. My world was rocked, you know? I'd had relationships where I really didn't LOVE the person I was dating, and it seemed like everyone loved me. That all I had to do was really love someone in return, and I would be set. That would be it. Instant eternal true love. I thought it existed, but life had more lessons to teach me. But I digress. . .

I was sitting with Mom talking about relationships and discussing whether or not I was intimidating, and we started talking about Dad. Now, I'm pretty much an even hybrid of Dad and Mom. Dad is a hippy, a musician, a scientist, an optimist. Mom is a theater-person, an ornery farm girl, and a businesswoman. There's alot of each of them in me. Dad and I are both optimists, and mom pointed out also that if Dad thinks he can help a person, he will try to do so. Even if it means overextending himself, getting zero gratitude, and sometimes even making no progress. If he thinks he can help, he'll go for it. And that's a weakness of mine. I've heard myself say that "Making someone else happy isn't enough in relationship. You've got to both love eachother." And dammit if it isn't the truth.

But last night, Dave was in a rough spot, and all I could think was "He's ready! He loves you now! You can help him! He'll stop crying if you go and love him! Isn't it worth making this person happy?" I don't know how I made it out of there, and I don't know how I ignored the cold draft in my heart and went to sleep. But I did.

I want so much in life to make people happy, because then they appreciate me and make me happy too. I put so much love into one person. I was so sure that this was the guy. I mean, my wandering eye was steadied, I never worried when he hung out with another girl. I think, for me, it was true love. I took happiness in his happiness, sadness in his misfortune. And it felt like I barely ever had to say anything too him, because we got eachother on a deeper level. I poured my heart out, and expected love in return. But there's a fortune cookie out there that says "He who expects no gratitude is never dissappointed." If only Dad and I could expect nothing in return for our help. Even when we do good, sometimes people take no notice or kick sand in our eyes, and we are deflated. We aren't that great. We aren't that helpful. And if we would just stop trying to be helpful, we'd be less dissapointed?

I wish I didn't have an injurable heart. I could save someone. But that's not how love works anyway, and so here I am. Crying again.

Bah.

It's Friday night, I'm in tight glittery pants. WHERE'S THE FUN?

I know, I know. If I want to have fun I need to go out and find it. Yeah. I refer back to my wuss statement.

FRIDAY AFTERNOONS WITH NOTHING TO DO!!!

I am wearing glittery, suedey, orange pants that tie in the front. Yay for me! I will deem these my pants of power, to go along with my amulet of power and my sequined-headband/tiara of power (which pinches my head, so I don't wear it often, only in EMERGENCIES!).
So now my life is complete. . . ????

I wanted to stop here for a moment and reflect upon forgiveness. Because lately it's something to think about. For me, I see a distinct difference between forgiving and forgetting--most people would agree they are two seperate things. But there are some things in life I'd think you'd have to forget; I don't know how you would forgive them. "You can't give away certain things that you get" To quote the lovely Lisa Loeb. I've seen some things recently that frankly boggle my mind. How after all that has happened things can exist in the way they do.

Maybe I'm just lazy, but I'm right now of the opinion that there are certain bridges better burnt and left behind. It's that kind of mood I'm in. Personal Pruning, yes. Cut off all this dead dumb crap and start over, as much as I can in this little village. Get out, discover or rediscover friends. . . . There just seem to be some things that only suck you back in if you try to fix them. And then you're back in them and you lose perspective, and then nothing gets fixed and you start all over again. This certainly isn't the most succinct entry.

I just think that there are some things not worth forgiving to the extent that you act like you've forgotten. Some things can't be ignored--really--and to pretend they don't exist. . .well I guess it's necessity. But it seems fucking insane to me. Oh well, I'll make my choices for myself alone, I guess.

In Other News: The Akron Steel Drum Band was freaking cool. I imagined myself far away in some tropical paradise, and just inwardly grooved. One of the drummers was super cute, and I wanted to go make some sort of move, but I really dont' know what kind of moves to make. I mean, really! My recommendation is that all people who are single and looking for someone should wear a badge or something!!! That would help slightly. I'm SUCH a wuss. If only I had my business cards with me :)

Love,
-Amber-

FRIDAY AFTERNOONS WITH NOTHING TO DO!!!

I am wearing glittery, suedey, orange pants that tie in the front. Yay for me! I will deem these my pants of power, to go along with my amulet of power and my sequined-headband/tiara of power (which pinches my head, so I don't wear it often, only in EMERGENCIES!).
So now my life is complete. . . ????

I wanted to stop here for a moment and reflect upon forgiveness. Because lately it's something to think about. For me, I see a distinct difference between forgiving and forgetting--most people would agree they are two seperate things. But there are some things in life I'd think you'd have to forget; I don't know how you would forgive them. "You can't give away certain things that you get" To quote the lovely Lisa Loeb. I've seen some things recently that frankly boggle my mind. How after all that has happened things can exist in the way they do.

Maybe I'm just lazy, but I'm right now of the opinion that there are certain bridges better burnt and left behind. It's that kind of mood I'm in. Personal Pruning, yes. Cut off all this dead dumb crap and start over, as much as I can in this little village. Get out, discover or rediscover friends. . . . There just seem to be some things that only suck you back in if you try to fix them. And then you're back in them and you lose perspective, and then nothing gets fixed and you start all over again. This certainly isn't the most succinct entry.

I just think that there are some things not worth forgiving to the extent that you act like you've forgotten. Some things can't be ignored--really--and to pretend they don't exist. . .well I guess it's necessity. But it seems fucking insane to me. Oh well, I'll make my choices for myself alone, I guess.

In Other News: The Akron Steel Drum Band was freaking cool. I imagined myself far away in some tropical paradise, and just inwardly grooved. One of the drummers was super cute, and I wanted to go make some sort of move, but I really dont' know what kind of moves to make. I mean, really! My recommendation is that all people who are single and looking for someone should wear a badge or something!!! That would help slightly. I'm SUCH a wuss. If only I had my business cards with me :)

Love,
-Amber-

BY THE POWER OF BIOLOGY: A MILD-MANNERED PROFESSOR IS TRANSFORMED INTO:
Geriatric Woman! Mother of Superman!


This is what happened at biobash--see Nick's site soon for embarrassing pictures of James! My biochemistry professor, and also advisor, decided to dress up for our super-hero themed occasion. She's in a really good mood lately--and it makes me a bit nervous :)

What Trigun ship are you??

AAAAaaalllliiiiiiiiiiiiiiicccccccccccceeeee. .. .what does this mean?

"There is nothing wrong with Loving Amber!!!! I love Amber!!! Amber should be loved and adored! Amber is so lovable and fun to be with."
--Marybeth Pollack (Amber's Mommy)

GRIN. I Love my mom!! She is sending me money too!

So there you all go. You should all love me.

Or then again, maybe not :) But as a leo, it would make my day. And today is a better day. Such is my body and state of mind--the more down I get, the more up I get right after. So I'm just good, because I was just sad. The weather is prettier, and I still get to talk to one of my closest friends, even if our love is doomed to never work out. Oh well. Life keeps trucking on. And I've got the friends to see me through, and the summer to help me forget it all, and then it's one year and I'm gone. And then I can start over somewhere else, hopefully somewhere sunny with delicious food. It sounds so nice right now, new faces, new friends, probably new dramas undoubtedly. But I'll take my chances. I'll miss some folks though, ALOT.

In other news: I'm looking to organize a viewing of Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back at some point this week. First, though, I'll need to procure the DVD from Clay, James's roommate. And THEN I need people to watch it with. Both tasks should not pose a great problem.

UPDATE (as if many people cared!)

In return for fixing her plant, Alice has given me an AMULET OF POWER. Actually, it's a little pink plastic gecko/newt on a chain she found in her room. But I feel better. Never underestimate the power of treats, and good friends. Or shifting moods--because I feel decent right now. The sun is shining, and it's acting spring-like, so maybe that's it? I'll take solar recharging as a theory.


AND NOW: FLEETWOOD MAC LYRICS FOR NO GOOD REASON

please...i've been takin' my time
you know, it's been on my mind
i hope you find a love
your own designs of love
that's alright.....
that's alright

i believe....i believe that i know you
'cause we've been a long time, and now i've got to show you that i...
well, i never did believe in time
you know...changin' anybody's mind

now i can't define love like it should be
that's alright....
that's alright....
--Fleetwood Mac, "That's Alright"

I've seen so many things that made me wonder
But sometimes it's hard to tell
I said
"Take your time"
But no one was listening
I walk a thin line

They told me that I never would recover
Still some say they knew me well
I said
"Stay by my side"
But no one said nothin'
I walk a thin line

I said
"Please toe the line"
But no one was listening
I walk a thin line

I said
"Fate takes time"
But no one was listening
I walk a thin line.
--Fleetwood Mac, "Walk a Thin Line"

Ok, apparently my entry I wrote this morning dissapeared. I *doubt* sabotage played a part in this.

It's tuesday, and oh how I wish the weather could be warm again. I think it isn't helping, as I slide into this mellow sadness all over again. I'm happy that the relapses are farther apart, but I guess I'm not free of this feeling yet. I had a sad dream last night, and I woke up this morning not remembering much of the details, but remembering it was sad. So what am I to do about it? Nothing.


I'm viciously alternating between happy/depressed/violent, and consequently I have no idea what to do right now.

I would very much like to run up to my room right now and break some posessions of mine, burn the rest, and SCREAM. Because none of this is fair, and even if the worst was over a month ago, well, I'm still pissed. What is shittiest is that the main body of this crap isn't anyone's fault. It's just the culmination of all our fears and desires. I just can't cut myself completely free of this trap. I can't make other peoples decisions for them. If I could throw three things in the trashcan today, it would be promises, indecision, and no-communication. I'm shut out, I can't shut up.

Then I get depressed--I'm defeated. What was the point of any of this crap? I did everything I could to be a good girlfriend, thinking that fate would give me someone who could be happy with that. It's not something to blame Dave for--he feels the way he does and can't change it. But I hate how it doesn't matter now nice you are (in fact, often it seems to just get you kicked in a corner), or happy, or indedpendent, or smart, or decent-looking you are. The idea that striving to be worthy of love is a good way to get it is FALSE. EXTREMELY FALSE. As far as I can tell, the less you strive, or the more you pretend to strive, the better off you are. People distrust and take for granted real effort, I guess. So I'm defeated. I can't win. I can only walk away, and that takes time.

But, I have so many things to be happy for. So much life ahead of me. But for today, for the lunch break, none of that matters. And I apologize for how depressing I'm being. I mean yeah--my whole life ahead of me! I'm not scared today. I'm not afraid of the unknown today. I'm just sad today, because the anger wore off. I definitely recommend Anger over Sadness. At least then you feel like you have something to fight.

Well, in less sad news. . . my brother had a wonderful time at Prom. I demand pictures. Progress reports are requested from everyone, as no one is communicating much these past few days, and I hate not knowing what's up with the world.

Alice: I love you too!!! In fact. . .WILL YOU MARRY ME?



oh wait.


ok, maybe not :)

WEll, this is certainly shaping up to be a multiple entry week, isn't it?

Don't have much to say right now, so be not afraid. This is one of my favorite parts of life, where shit has gone down and I get to ponder how it will affect things. Maybe not at all. The weather is matching everything--I saw SNOW this afternoon. I'm no good at being angry for long periods of time. I'm past my disgruntled stage, and now I just sit and wait and wonder. How strange life is. How often we could not possibly guess what would happen.

I made such a huge mistake. I put my hopes up as high as I could, even though I knew that it was a dangerous thing to do. It's one of my many weaknesses. I want so badly to trust people, and on top of it I'm an optimist, so I believe that the best is possible. And sometimes it is.

I know that most of my anger I've directed outward, and perhaps not all of that is undeserved. But deep down, I'm so pissed at myself for letting this happen. I set myself up. I said, Amber, he wants you back, he says all that other stuff wasn't anything compared to you (which hit my other weakness, my ego). He said everything I wanted him to say. And I will continue to believe that he meant it at the time, but now I get the feeling it was all delusion. There is nothing more dangerous than the words you want to hear. I knew it was stupid, but I believed every bit of it, and opened the door and let my heart go back. He didn't ask me to, but it was all I could do. And all of the sudden, over break, he wasn't so sure. And now I think I know why. So, that's it I guess. It's all wrong. He says he doesn't care, that he'll stop putting up with it soon, but I know it's another delusion. I lost that heart a long time ago, and he won't admit it.

It's the same old story, and some people never learn. Maybe this time, I will. If what I think is happening IS happening. . . Dave, my heart goes out to you, but not too far.

OH, ISN'T IT LOVELY TO BE FIIIIIGGGGHHHTTIIINGGG

We've got a great pattern going here, don't we? You say you're sorry, I agree that you should be, you get angry, begin to retaliate by accusing me of acting superior, and then we yell for a bit, and life starts over. Well, I dont' know about the starting over part--actually I do. I've told you I'm fed up, and I am. And isn't it nice we can agree that it's over?

Who knows man. I sure don't. I may have learned alot recently, lived alot, but I'm not claiming to be the expert here. It's just. . .well, it seems like some people are being honest, some people are being "honest" but not recognizing that they might not mean it later on, and some people are just plain making empty promises on a regular basis. And I hate that a drama that doesn't even involve me anymore can still tweak my heart smartly. And yes, alot of it is my fault for keeping it invested. But it's just the same old crap, the same old games, and it makes me sick. Because someone made me a serious promise, and added "You may think I won't be able to keep it, but I will"

I didn't believe it, but I wanted to.
But you didn't keep it. All it took was another promise, and you were gone.
So that's it.

I HATE SUNDAY NIGHTS

Then again, who doesn't? Well, I've got red, red wine in my system, so hell, I'll just say whatever I feel like. No, I'm not turning alcoholic here, although I took a tarot reading and drew the devil card as my significator (the card that represents me). Damn cards.

I hate not knowing what is going on. I'm tired of uncertainty, I'm tired of the games and the drama.
If I didn't have school, if I DID have a car, I'd drive away from here right now I think.

I wish things weren't the way they were.
I wish I had more time to think; I wish I had less to think about.
I wish I knew what was going on right now; I wish I didn't care (I've tried so hard).
I wish Dave would talk to me; I wish I could talk to him without being angry for my own reasons.
I wish that I could wake up tomorrow and there would be a summary of the next decade or so, so that I might have some hope for life hereafter.
I wish I had more time to spend with Nick and Alice; I wish I didn't fall in love with people who can't love me.
I wish love was a switch you could flick, a branch you could prune, a connection you could cut.

But if wishes were ponies, we'd be knee deep in shit, they say.

I'll keep reusing my AIM quotes . . .why the heck not. This one is dedicated to more than just me, but mainly me.

Loneliness has its good side too
until the voices in your head start fucking with you.
--Dave Matthews Band, "Drive In, Drive Out"

Look at me dreaming of you
All I could hope is to have you
To have you walking with me
Laughing so in love, we two
Almost drunkenly
I did imbibe of this
Fantasy of you and me

Was I a fool to think?
The way you looked at me
I swear you did
But you looked away too quick
Was I a fool, was I a fool to think
That you would take me home
As if I was yours
Was I a fool to think at all?
--DMB, "Fool To Think"

Addendum

Ok, so I feel like writing more, so I will. Although now that I say that I don't know what to write about. There's alot to be said--it's life and there's never a shortage of things to say.

We were on our fifth lap around the gerstacker square, Sam gliding unnaturally on roller blades, me trotting on my little legs to keep up on the downhill portion of the program. We were in our matching maroon bathrobes. Making circles around the square, at 2 in the morning on a weekend. Sam is good for moments like that. I remember once I had a personal crisis, and Sam and I stayed up all night talking, and walking the campus. When I finally broke down, he made me hop up on a table in the Brown Fall room, and we tango-ed on the tabletops, and eventually I stopped crying. It was a moment. . . one of those memories that I knew was being made right when the laugh escaped. Let's here it for good friends, and let's really hear it for weird friends. I hope things get better for you, Sam-san.

I AM AFRAID I HAVE NO SEGWAY: Inspired by Coconut Rum

I.
Hold me now, don't let me fly away
to the dark dreams and the hopes of yesterday
I'll never find them:
they're not there to find
So keep me here, and not out of my mind.

II.
So cut this cord
And smack me a good one
weigh me and dry me
and I'll start to crying
This life is so bright and new
It isn't such a bad place
But I cry cause' the old life is dying.
--Amber, "Two Variations on a Theme"

SELF-HYPNOSIS / SELF-DELUSION / SELF-CONTROL?

You take your pick. I'm sticking with self-hypnosis. Repeat after me brain: I don't care.

He thrusts his fists against the post and still insists he sees the ghosts.

I don't care.

I don't care.



For now, I believe it. And it's nice. I am here and not here, and that fucking sounds loony! Ok, what I'm saying is, I have to become like a window, through which things pass. I communicate, but I am not changed drastically. I don't care. It's meditative, sort of profound, but mainly it's so freeing. For the time being, I would do best just to live and not work against the will of day-to-day events. I'm taking a hiatus from soap operas. I'll move backstage for awhile.

So here's how I live, shrugging my shoulders & answering all my questions the same way: For now, I don't care. It's probably all a lie, but for now, I'll take that.

Today was a really freaking fabulous day though. I went out with Nick, had a simply wonderful time. It's been a long time since I had a joyful uncomplicated day. I'm thankful for this--I guess whoever's in charge of life IS giving me a break. I know it's a temporary respite, but I'll take that as well. Thank You.

Tomorrow is another day--and a busy one at that. Oh well. Tomorrow is another day, yes.

And the drone in your voice and the fly on the wall
said it's over it's over it's over it is.
And what can I wish for you?
What do I wish?
It's over, It's over, it is.

And are we all, still solemn and bleeding?
And are we still swimming to water that was wet?
You can't give away certain things that you get.
--Lisa Loeb, "It's Over"

THE LIFE AND TIMES OF A LESSER NIGHT OWL

I can't help it. Until like, 1AM there's nobody around, and then all the sudden The Lounge becomes happening. So if I want to have a social life, aside from lunch and dinner dates, well . . . I have to be up when it's late too. So I've been staying up till 3AM every night, and then getting up at 8:30 for class. Not exactly a horrible lack of sleep, but it's taking it's toll, slowly.

Any news? Not really. Prudy Hall was merciful in her grading of my research proposal for Biochem-- I got a 93!!! I'm glad: after spending a full overnight 12 hours on that thing, it BETTER do well. In other news. . .could be some impending doom for others (sounds like a weather report, only much more stormy!), but my life appears rather sedate. Oh baby let's keep it that way. That's about all, event-wise.

This is the part of the entry when we talk about our feelings. Yes, boys and girls, we've all got them. I've decided that mine, while making perhaps the most sense they ever have, still on the whole do not follow decent logic. Now, for a profound-sounding quote, found on a this page.

Life is finite,
While knowledge is infinite.
--Zhuang Zi

OK, bedtime. Tomorrow I escape from Hiram for the day, with luck!

Twitterpated

This weather, this heavy heat weighed down with all the blooming of spring. . . it's affecting people. Today I looked out on campus and saw PEOPLE--can you believe it? People lying about, enjoying the weather, enjoying the company of friends. It's more than nice; it's lovely. Followed a group of merry drunks up the hill just five minutes ago, and I don't know how, but they were contagious. It's easy to get high, drunk, and sedated on this weather. It's so hot, and everyone emerges from this horrible winter in their new spring clothes. Everyone and everything looks so beautiful, and man, I'm just in awe of it. I can't forget the events of February, but they dull and go grey in comparison with this.

"In the depths of winter I finally learned there was in me an invincible summer."
-Albert Camus

Today is a quotey kind of day. I want something profound to say, but part of being relaxed and content means not thinking to much, so I borrow a bit. It's all about letting go, this time. It used to scare me, this sense of letting go of the things that upset me and just floating away from it all. . . but now it's a relief. Will Dave want to stay with me? I can't care anymore. I just can't, and by "can't" I do mean "won't." That's just one thing I have to let go of if I'm really going to live. I can't worry about him. I can't worry about whether or not someone will change their minds, or whether or not he'd leave if he finally got the chance he was hoping for. I can't worry about whether or not I'll end up alone in life--which is the big big fear. I can dream about being happy, and that's about it.

But it's dreaming weather, I think.

Sitting quietly, doing nothing,
spring comes and the grass
grows by itself.
--Zenrin

Today is an Iced Tea Day--With Lemon

That's the only way to describe it, baby. It's warm, and sunny, and sweet smelling outside. There's people lying about, doing nothing, and even if I dont' get to be one of those people, well, I'm with them in spirit. Went to sleep at 3AM, woke up several times beginning at 7 I think--I'll blame it on the sun, as I've been sleeping in a dark basement all weekend.

My first crack at class was refreshing. The first day is always the best, because you're on equal footing with everyone else, and all things are possible. Unfortunately, there's the old gaurd of haughty biochem students in this class, too elitist even for ME. That's ok, there's cool people to chill with. I've decided to kick ass, as my brain feels ready to focus again. I feel like it's the first day of track practice, and I haven't been broken yet. I'm ready for a good sprint, I think. We'll see, won't we? And in the end, I win, because I'm going to HAWAII!!!! Woo-hoo!!

In other news. Today I feel like a blonde. take that however you want ;)
Although really, I think I'm just ready for life, and wondering where it went.
So, ok.
That's all.
Classtime.
Enjoy the weather! It's Ohio after all.

IT'S OUT THEEEEEEERREEE. . . IT'S OUT THERE IF YOU WANT ME, I'LL BE HEEEERREE.

Yeah, the Cranberries are so dreamy-nice. Today I am singing "Dreaming my Dreams." Even though the actual lyrics directly dont' apply today. Who the hell cares? I had a dream that Pete Townsend from The Who was driving my sister and I to a Pink Floyd Concert, only I discovered my parents had given us their gift certificates to try to use as payment for tickets, which didn't work. Yes. Crack please.

You know, it's strange when a realization hits you. I mean, usually it smacks you right in the forehead like a bug on a windshield and you go "What the hell? How do I know this?" And really, I'm never sure of my epiphanies. But today is a calm day, because some truths seem accessible today. So, obla di, obla da, life goes on. Regardless.

Events for today? Woke up, played Theme Hospital, and then drove to Hiram. Walked around in the humid heat--did you know the planets are aligning sometime soon? It's some astronomical event. Explains alot. So it's a bit magical outside. I'm back at college and I dont' know what to do with myself. Here's hoping the 3-week doesn't suck.





which "monty python and the holy grail" character are you?

this quiz was made by colleen

REACHING CRITICAL MASS

Oh man, it's time to go back to Hiram. I could talk along time about why, but let's just say this: there reaches a point when home is no longer relaxing, or energizing, or delightfully peaceful. And that's when I'm better off at Hiram instead of sitting here being bitten by ferrets and thinking too much. And I have reached that point.

I crave the joyful hedonism of college, which is at times like an endless coed slumber party. And ladies and gentlemen, i think it's going to be a 3-week that will indeed be full of "fun."
But who knows? I could spend it all weeping and feeling sorry for myself. I'm going to try and, er, avoid that. So if you're looking for a good time, you can knock on my door. Of course, I'll probably say no, but I won't be pissed at you or anything. And besides, you never know until you ask, do you? That is my lesson for the break.

My advice for today is--breathe. It's one of the only things you really need to do in life, and sometimes it is helpful to remind yourself that it's more important than just about anything else.

And now, some lovely AIM conversations I wanted to share:

(In case you were wondering what they do for fun at Ivy League schools)
RingmasterDave: I just hope I can stand the smell of alcohol again by Friday, as it's *another* big event, "Hey Day"

ForeverNewt: O:-)Ahh, the joys of college life. How I might miss them. "Hey Day"?
ForeverNewt: Do you people never stop?

RingmasterDave: Hey Day is when the juniors officially become seniors
RingmasterDave: We go around eating each other's hats
RingmasterDave: I don't really understand

ForeverNewt: what were these hats made of?

RingmasterDave: Foam... well, maybe 'biting' is more appropriate than 'eating', cause I don't think you actually consume the pieces.
RingmasterDave: You take a bite out of all your friends' hats, and supposedly those people who are left with no brim...
RingmasterDave: Have a lot of friends, I guess

ForeverNewt: I guess so!
ForeverNewt: kinda like a reverse mardi-gras bead deal, although I see no flashing in this system

RingmasterDave: That is correct, although I am unsure whether adding the flashing would be a positive or negative thing on average
- - - - - - - - --- -
AND::::
busony: It was funny today, They had some big storm front going through Hiram on the news and they were making a big deal about it. I msg James about it a few hours later and his response is, "There was a storm?"

Today was a thought-provoking day.

I'm wondering if it's wise for any woman who hasn't been married and/or had a baby to attend wedding showers and baby showers. It weirds you out of you haven't, albeit it's in a wistful sort of way. Not the baby shower thing so much, as I have no desire to have a kid of my own any time soon--I've got lots of time. But anything in the form of an event that makes you think about weddings. . . ahh that's seductive and dangerous to the young female mind.

Dangerous? How can china patterns and ribbon bouquets be dangerous? Hah. It's all part of this dream that most girls have, generally of the whole "getting married" process, which is filled with pretty things and lots of smiling approval. Most girls, whether they admit to it or not, have dreamed up the details.

But this is typical. It's just dreaming, you know? But it's a weird point in my life. My mom got married when she was 21. The bride today was 24. Alice is getting married soon, and I know she's not the only one with such intentions. It's not that I want to get married now, or any time soon. I know I'm not ready. But these events raise alot of thoughts in my mind. I envy these people who are so certain about their lives, or at least their loves. I know that there's alot of people I can make happy. I'm not worried about that. The problem is finding someone I love, who makes ME happy for more than a year. It's not easy, and more than that, getting to know someone well enough to perhaps start to judge that seems to mean putting my heart on the line,which is scary.

Deep down, what is worse, is that I'm expecting to find someone sure enough that they want me. But that's not the right, is it? It's not fair. So far, the one time I was sure that I loved someone, the rug came out from under me, and now I'm very much less than sure. So now I'm on equal footing again. Wanting security, but scared I'll make the wrong decision and end up trading cold comfort for change.

I can honestly say, I'm horrified today. Oh girl, don't panic, whatever you do. I've made it this far, yes. But it's taking alot of deep breathing and eye closing today. Life is all about jumping with your eyes closed, at least sometimes. I'm doing alot of jumping these days. Oh well.

I Am A: True Neutral Elf Bard Ranger


Alignment:
True Neutral characters are very rare. They believe that balance is the most important thing, and will not side with any other force. They will do whatever is necessary to preserve that balance, even if it means switching allegiances suddenly.


Race:
Elves are the eldest of all races, although they are generally a bit smaller than humans. They are generally well-cultured, artistic, easy-going, and because of their long lives, unconcerned with day-to-day activities that other races frequently concern themselves with. Elves are, effectively, immortal, although they can be killed. After a thousand years or so, they simply pass on to the next plane of existance.


Primary Class:
Bards are the entertainers. They sing, dance, and play instruments to make other people happy, and, frequently, make money. They also tend to dabble in magic a bit.


Secondary Class:
Rangers are the defenders of nature and the elements. They are in tune with the Earth, and work to keep it safe and healthy.


Deity:
Gond is the True Neutral god of artifice, craft, and construction. He is also known as Gond Wonderbringer. His followers believe that 'actions count' - that is, that what is accomplished in the end is what is truly important. They wear saffron clothing, with red sashes containing all manner of mechanical devices. Their preferred weapons are firearms, since the followers of Gond had a large hand in their making and invention. They also wear plate mail (no shield), but generally prefer to have bodyguards, instead. Gond's symbol is a toothed wheel, made of ivory, bone, or metal.


Find out What D&D Character Are You?, courtesy ofNeppyMan (e-mail)

Little Wonder-mints

I recall being a sophomore at Hiram College. On the whole, life was good and boring, and this moment I recall was no exception.

8AM, weekday: I'm sitting in Molecell (Molecular and Cellular Biology) listening to Prudy go on and on about my least favorite topic: THERMODYNAMICS. And everyone in the class was drifting in and out of sleep, no question about it. I can sum up everything you will ever learn about the topic for you: The world is moving towards chaos at all times, and we are always trying to create order despite this. Nature--life--prefers disorder in any situation, and it takes energy to overcome this progressing towards chaos.

Ok, are you asleep yet?

The point is, today I was thinking about how often life is pushing us towards chaos. I mean, things have been sort of calm for me lately, for everyone with a few exceptions. I've expended a hell of alot of energy to bring my life to some semblence of order and peace. And suddenly these little voices, these urges, are welling up inside of me and telling me to be honest, ask questions, grab hold of opportunities. There's a fire under me, and I don't know who lit the match.

Oh well, in general, life is supremely good. My ego has healed, I have plenty of opportunity to "live it up" as it were, in the 3-week. These really are exciting times, and I'm happy that the human mind dulls old pain after awhile--slowly but surely.

The truth will set you free.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!!! MY NEW BABY COUSIN NICHOLAS JAMES POLLACK!!!


Ach, being a girl, and 20 at that, I'm a sucker for a baby. I can hear that "Awwwwww" response creeping from my head to my mouth. NOOOOOOO!!!!! There will be no little me's running around any time soon. But, as the eldest grandchild on my Dad's side of the family, It's really quite fascinating to see a new arrival. I feel like we're at two ends of the spectrum: he's just starting out, and I've been through so much living in these 20 years after a moment like this picture. What's even weirder: my parents have lived 31 years more. There so much that will happen between where I am now, and where I will be when I am their age. It's pretty crazy.

I'm having a super great day. I took a shower. The weather is unbelievable. I'm a single gal with still the hope of someone to love. I just will smile for now, and enjoy feeling the exact opposite of despair. Life is good. And I'm going to Honolulu. Hell Yes.

Leo: (July 23—Aug. 22)
You're not the type to rest on your laurels when there are perfectly good couches available.

Lounge conversation for today:
Scene: Alice, Nick, and Amber are watching A Dating Story on TV. The girl starts to take her jacket off. . .
Amber: "woo-hoo! Take it all off!!!"
Alice: "Amber! You swing both ways!"
Amber:" . . . . . . well . . . .at least on television?"

Thank you! Goodnight!! I'll be at home all weekend! I'm ForeverNewt on AIM so look me up at 3AM in the morning

Started my research proposal at about 7PM. I'm done approx 12 hours later. Not that I worked straight through that time. now it's like. . . .well, it doesn't look so impressive. But I'm sleepy. So I'm going to bed and maybe it will look different in 3 hours.

Love,
-AMber-

I feel like the last entry was nothing but a bummer, and frankly I feel better now having vented and read interesting things on the web for awhile.

Tonight was not the best night. I went out with some friends to try out the new pizza place, which is decent. Only the typical problem arose when I was the only bio major at a table of computer science majors--when they start in on the shop talk, I have nothing to contribute. Absolutely nothing, and if i try, well, I usually end up feeling dumb. It's partly my fault for not bringing any non-cs allies with me. I'll know better next time. But the point is, I felt very out of place, and I started back to feeling insecure, and less connected, and then off I floated on my little balloon of self-torture.

So I wanted to leave very badly, but didn't want everyone to feel bad. Self-pity is an ugly thing. But making everyone else feel bad and making a scene--that's even worse. I couldn't tell what I was really upset about at first, and I was worried I was being dumb and also dumb again, but in the end I realized I was just bummed for aforementioned reasons. Oh well, that's life :)
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The feeling of longing is a strange emotion. It's even stranger when you can't tell what the longing is for. Lately, well, in the last half hour, but off and on, I've felt a longing, a curiousity. I've got my ideas as to what that's for, sure. Life has begun anew and there's a great wide world out there. Exciting, sometimes frightening. And lately there's things I want to know about, places I want to see, you know: wanderlust. The Travel Bug. I get this at least once every year. The desire to be off on an adventure. But for now, there's other things too, and I'm trying to sort out the pulls I'm feeling in my gut.

So where does any of this leave me? Eager to be adventuring, and not doing any of my schoolwork. Bad Amber! Bad!

PICTURE TITLE: "Ambiguities are All We Have"

Life is so much more complicated than I could have ever guessed. Ever. I mean, I always thought I understood that it was complex, that there was too much to ever fully understand, that life was unpredictable, yeah. But I always thought it was best lived by instinct and feeling. That if you went with your gut, if you were true to yourself . . . .well, that should be enough to live well.

But it isn't. Life now seems to be full of such conscious effort to check incorrect emotions with reasoning and observation. I saw a preview today for a movie, a silly one, which seemed to involve teaching a science experiment to be human. At one point, the lab-coated technician leans over to this simian fellow, and says "Just never do what you really want to do." And right now that seems fitting.

No, it's not that I'm not getting to do the things I want to, it's just that so often I have to keep every emotion so tightly in check. I have to smile at the correct times, not get uncomfortable, be friendly, be open. . . all of this is by my choice alone. Living is a conscious effort, I am finding. It is a very calculated dance on the edge of reason and feeling. And this is quickly becoming a silly silly entry. I apologize. There are just weird statements floating up into my brain, and dammit I want them out, NOW.

I'm just amazed at how much I have to deny what my brain screams. I know it's just doing its job, using past experience to tell me what a bad situation is, and when to be worried. But it's obsolete. Times, strangely, have changed. And I find myself whirling around trying to find a direction to go in, and all of the sudden everything is the same as it was just awhile ago, and very few people seem to notice it. But my brain notices, and it's reminding me every day of all the shit that happened. But it doesn't matter anymore. Because everything old is new again, except me. I'm obsolete, and these emotions like ritual torture must go.

LIFE IS A JUNGLE OUT THERE BABY!!!

Yeah, so my biggest thought for the day is this: we somehow feel that as we get older we will have less troubles. Or they'll be less complicated or something like that. But they don't get easier. My problems these days are so subtle and complex. . . my traumas of yesteryear seem laugable. But I think the real truth in all of this is that it ALWAYS SEEMS JUST AS HARD, no matter how problems compare. When you run up against them, the trouble always seems to be just about the worst trouble. It's comforting, because in truth you've handled bad situations all your life, and no matter how horrible they seem now, you realize that others seemed just as horrible in the past--and you still overcame them. So there, another reason to rock on.

Other than that, well, life is promising. Here's hoping the horoscope isn't true. here's hoping that things will be better right through next year. Damn the planets.

To conclude, here's a random quote from Blade Runner, a fabulous must-see if you dare consider yourself a sci-fi enthusiast.

Deckard (Harrison Ford) giving a test. You're reading a magazine. You come across a full page nude photo of a girl.

Rachael (Sean Young) Is this testing whether I'm a replicant or a lesbian, Mr. Deckard?

HAHA! EVIL GEOCITIES THOUGHT IT COULD STOP THIS JOURNAL BY REMOVING MY FTP ACCESS!

I scoff in your general direction geocities, although now my graphics are not working correctly. oh well.

Life is better today. . . WHY you might ask? Wellll

1. I HAVE REU FUNDING TO DO RESEARCH IN HAWAII THIS SUMMER!!! Oh my goodness, am I psyched. Warm weather and delicious food and THE OCEAN!! and excellent research too.

2. BioBash (my biology club fundraising dinner) was a great success, and not at all as stressful as these events usually are. And now I have handcuffs!

3. Things are starting to make more sense, although life still tugs at my heartstrings from time to time.

That's all for now. Peace and Smooches!
-Amber-

LONG LOST ENTRY FROM THURSDAY OR SO

Many of us live out our lives in a routine, almost trance-like state, to a point where we are no longer living, but only existing. Tai Chi and related disciplines help us to develop our mind and body. They challenge our habitual conditioning and our perceptions of what we are capable of. Most of us do not know how to overcome our weaknesses. We are constantly underestimating the tremendous unrealised potential of our minds. Everyone wants happiness. Most of us spend endless amounts of energy and time looking for happiness. If we are able to appreciate the moment and focus our minds on what we do, we will find greater enjoyment and fulfilment in our daily lives. (from some internet website I can't remember)

Wow, and all this time, I thought Tai Chi was just supposed to put you to sleep! Ach, I'm being disrespectful.

I am at a point of no-action, because I'm so stressed and I don't want to set the world spinning again. I just don't know what to do with life, so I think I'll just sit down and write this 5-6 page paper comparing the benefits of the hard and soft styles of martial arts I've been practicing in Martial Arts Forms, and perhaps I will be enlightened. Or, at the very least, I'll go to bed at some point. That might be just enough for me.

Because I don't know what to do now. So instead, without reason, I give you quotes from perhaps one of the most sublimely wonderful movies ever, "L.A. Story":

Harris When I really analyze it, Trudi wasn't for me anyway. The only good times we had were having sex and laying in bed watching TV.
Ariel (Susan Forristal) I hate to tell you this, Harris, but if you can find somebody you can have sex with and lie in bed and watch TV, you've really got something.
------
Harris: "A kiss may not be the truth, but it is what we wish were true."
------
"Shakespeare once said: Life is pretty stupid, with lot's of hubbub to
keep you busy, but really not amounting to much...I'm paraphrasing of
course."
------
Sara "Let your mind go, and your body will follow."

Silly Blogger crashing for a long time!

I thought, after giving a presentation on Monday, my week would calm down a little. . . but it hasn't. It has gotten progressively more whirlwind the farther along it gets. I'd like to think Sunday will be calm, since nothing is directly due on Monday, but somehow I doubt it.

What's new? Nothing I can report on. It's just business. Lots of new and wonderful things swirling around my head. *smile*

T.S. Elliot was sort of right. April is the cruelest month.

My dear doggie Pepper died. We got her when I was four. She was the best dog ever. My sister found her near the house today, seems like she wanted to follow Dad to work like she always did, but just didn't make it far. She was the best dog ever. She was almost 17. She was the best dog ever, and I miss her already.

UNDERSTATEMENT OF THE YEAR:

This world is fucking crazy. I keep saying I've given up on guessing what happens next, and frankly I think now I will. Yay, and "WHOAH"

Love,
-Amber-