The Adventures of Amber Continue
Social organizing goes awry / plastic surgery / Dinner & the best Movie Ever

So, this is the harrowing summary of this last friday. I zoomed in to work by 9:30AM, and had a decently productive morning sending out sequencing reactions to the biotech department. It was my first time setting them up and entering them in the order form all by myself. So of course I freaked out when I saw the 80 dollar bil for them. . . went through all the possibilities of how I messed up something because this is the DISCOUNT SEQUENCING for goodnesssake. But then I realized that they really are 8 bucks a tube, and I sent in 10 tubes, and the PI had asked me to do that many. So whew.

I came back and ate lunch with Bailey, where she offered the idea of a corn maze later Saturday night. I had already spoken with Roger about some of us going to see a movie friday night, so I told her I'd be sending out an e-mail about the movie and I'd add a part asking for interest in the corn maze.

Apparently, this wasn't the clearest and best idea. Saturday afternoon had already been reserved for Petra's housewarming party, and I got an e-mail back from somebody that sounded like they were saying "WTF? what about petra's party? Screw the corn maze"

That put a knot in my stomach. I had been feeling for awhile like I wasnt' fitting in with the group very well, and now they were going to think I was ignoring her party and trying to get everyone to go to a damn corn maze instead. I quickly fired back an e-mail to apologize/clarify.

Back in lab, I went to the autoclave machine to pick up the stuff I had put in there to sterilize. Now, for those of you not familiar with these things, let me tell you that autoclaves are like big metal boxes in which you can sterilize equipment at VERY high heat and pressure. The door to my autoclave lowers when you push a pedal, and slowly the metal door creeped down. I kept looking for the bin I'd placed my stuff in, but it wasn't there. All the tubes and boxes where sitting. . . .in a puddle of molten plastic.

I ran back to the lab and announced my mistake. I knew I couldn't make it any better, so I just admitted failure, and expected hell for it. But Katy the PI was calm, and everyone else was all smiles and suggestions. It was funny, but it seemed like screwing up that badly made them like me more. It was an honest mistake, they said, and it never happens to them because they have an undergrad do ALL their autoclaving.

Still, I spent most of the afternoon scraping off plastic from the rack and the bottom of the autoclave, until Katy told me to leave it to the professionals. I picked myself up, and left for the Union Terrace. I needed a drink.

OF COFFEE DAMNIT.

I blame that horrible section of Friday on not having had coffee. I had wanted to cry on several occasions. But I met up with Bailey again at the Union, and I got a big steamin' cup of Southern Pecan Coffee. MMMMMMM. Everyone else had beer, but I was happy. And as for the e-mail fiasco, I got alot of support from my peers. I felt alot better. We moved to Angelic Brewery for dinner, where I had Idaho Nachos (just replace chips with waffle fries) and Cheese and Ale soup--which was THE BEST SOUP EVERRRRRR.

Rhett hitched a ride with me over to the movie theatres, where there were actually lots of people from our group there to see "Once Upon A Time In Mexico" Which turned out to be a fantastic movie. So fantastic, and with Antonio Banderas, Enrique Iglesias, and Johnny Depp. The phrase "edibly yummy" came to mind. But it was just a freaking fun movie. hilarious and yet action packed violent. Go see it now.

Saturday was a much better day, in that Petra's house was lovely. I got to see a puppy there, and drank some good beer and played Egyptian Rat Screw, Jenga, and Pictionary with some other micro students. Also got to play HALO on a projector screen--I lost most of the multiplayer, but it was damn good fun. It was a great evening, and I felt like I belonged.

Sunday I went into lab to do some work, while Dave had to go to Stop n' go to do some work. Sunday, blargh. Afterwards I went to Target and got some dark garnet placemats, one fallish leaved-placemat, some pumpkin pie scented candles, and some halloween cards. I have caught the fall fever. I'm ready for halloween.

Except I don't know what to be, and I need some votes. Right now I'm between being some sort of sci-fi matrixy chick with guns, OR a cutesy "Nurse Bunny" getup.

I'd really like to be Molly Millions from Neuromancer, complete with mirrored shades surgically inset and long burgundy nails hiding surgical scalpels. This would involve lots of dark clothing, and definitely pleather pants. The advantage is getting to buy pleather pants I could wear at some other point. The disadvantage is having nobody fucking know what I'm supposed to be, as well as figuring out how to do the inset shades. Also if anyone who's familiar with the character can give me some input on what they saw her as looking like, that would be good.

I liked a little getup I saw at Hot Topic with a white nurses's dress, fishnets, and then bunny ears & tail. It was super cute, and would be easier in theory to pull off. But would I wear any of it again? I don't know. I need help!!!

Takin' a little break

I don't know why I let assignments make me so worried that I put them off till the last minute and then keep taking large "breaks" thinking it will help me think better when I get back to the topic. B-largh.

Anyway, this week is half over, which is pretty darn good. I've discovered that FX has Buffy playing at 7AM at weekdays, so I have a whole new reason to get up in the morning. My first rotation is winding down, without alot of success, but there's colonies on my plates, so there is hope yet that I made this darn protocol work.

In the House of Doom Message board (where my highschool pals hang out) we've been discussing the benefits/drawbacks/problems with group living (aka the topic started out as polygamy and now it's taken off). Frankly, if there was a way to make it work, I'd be for it. Not in the sense that I'd want to give up Dave or that he's not enough for me--hell, even in my dreams, when a some cute guy will ask me out, I always turn them down because I wouldn't want to lose Dave. I think what it's about, for me, is keeping the friends I have for longer than a 4-year term. Sometimes I wish I could've somehow gotten engaged to a lot of you at the same time and taken you with me to Madison. At Hiram, I made the best friends I have EVER made. People I was truly myself around, comfortable with, and frankly, I love you all for it.

I was thinking about it the other day, how really I do love many people. It made me sad to think that I'll probably never tell any of you face to face that I do, so I'll say it here. You can't get into "I love so and so more" crap, because it's just not correct. Of everyone, Dave is the one who's closest to whatever little pulsing core is me. But it's just amazing to realize that really if I could marry you all I would. You know who you are. If it meant I could keep you all with me for all my life, I would do it. Maybe that is what is so great and fine about marriage: keeping a best friend with you for ever. It's cheesy-sounding, but when you leave just about everyone behind you realize what a gift it is.

Anyway, my new thought-exercise for day-dreaming is imagining I have a big big house, with many rooms in it. And each room is made special to be for a friend of mine. And when I get lonely I imagine that I walk down the hallway and knock on their door, and I can sit down and talk with them for awhile. It's fun to imagine all the things that might make them happy. There's just something comforting about having all your friends with you, even if it's just in your crazy head. God knows there's plenty of room. . .

A fast, blurry week

On tuesday, I remember turning to the person beside me in class, and saying I wished it was Friday already.

And suddenly it was?

Oh, I don't know, it was just sort of amazing. Everyone agrees that it's been a hard week, that we've all been working more hours than we wanted to, and supposedly expected to have time to do HOMEWORK too. But really, I can't remember a whole lot' about this week. I know I've been getting lab work done. Although there's that traditional feeling that I've messed things up or am not making the progress on my research that I should be, as well as the feeling that I'm not aware that I don't understand something until suddenly the principle investigator asks me a question and I really have no answer. So embarassment is the key to learning, apparently.

On the brighter side, I almost ran over 3 bikers on Friday on campus--It made me think about Sam, because if he were behind the wheel of his car when some crazy biker decided to zoom out in front of it. . . I think the week would've ended differently. I also went to Marshall's on a quest for shoes, and found two pair of Steve Madden sneakers, one pair in black, and the other in WV colors of blue with gold stripes. It's funny how being outside my state always gives me more state pride than when I'm in the state. I also came across a random black jacket which is perhaps the finest early fall jacket I've ever owned--the sleeves and back are sweater fabric, and they are attached to a black denim vest, and the collar has black faux fur so it's comfy :)

Anyway, I went out with the micro students, and also saw the movie Underworld, which was actually enjoyable, despite my low expectations. Dave is telling me to get off the computer, so I'll finish this later :)

Vrrrooooooooom!

Wooooooooo caable modem! After dialup, I'm flyin!

Well, life isn't much different, except for the glorious fact that now I am watching the Sunday Night Sex Show on CABLE of my very own, and loading pages at a blinding speed.

I'm learning that a lab will have you working as much as they can, so I gotta watch out, because nobody is watching out for me and saying "aww you've been working too much, go home!" I got home at 7:30 PM today. I left this morning at 8:30AM.

Earth to Amber?

Hiiiiiii there! Just realized that's it's been some time since I last posted . . . it's been pretty crazy, getting used to classes, and starting research rotations in somebody's lab, and of course just getting a feel for what everyday life is like as a grad student.

It's been enormously difficult at first, thinking that compared to all the other students you were doing things wrong, or that you'd never make new friends. Also that you would be revealed for the idiot you *reallly* are, pretending to be a scientist when your test scores say you should be an english major.

To a certain extent, all that crap has passed. I was genuinely happy this week, as I started to get the hang of classes and research. I even went out with friends to Pedro's, and watched them drink big mugaritas. That's a whole other story, that evening, and it would take too long to retell it. Needless to say, by the end of the night I was hanging out with fun people who would NOT freak out if I swore or admitted to watching porn or something. That's "a good thing."

Dave and I don't have much living room seating, but other than that the apartment is just about all furnished. We're getting the hang of grocery shoppin' (although we always forget to go early enough to still buy beer). TUESDAY WE GET CABLE (Adult Swim! Angel! YAYYYY!!). So it's all coming together. It really is.

Finally, for now--it is the weekend and I'd rather like to spend it doing fun stuff than typing forever--I stole the little survey that Alice stole from somebody else, so I'm gonna fill it out. It's more for my benefit, but if you want to read any of it, why not?

first and last
FIRSTS
First best friend: Probably Ann Marie Tominack, who's mom had been childhood best friends with my mom. We stole boards from some guy's yard and made a shack, complete with rugs made out of towels, and many many spiders as the summer went on.

First real memory of something: I was younger than 4, and I remember riding the bus with Dad in LA. I had a little red Mc'donalds wristband that looked like a watch, but you could pop open the dial and inside I kept coins for the bus.

First date: Homecoming, Age 15, with Chris, who later became a very long-term boyfriend

First real kiss: Age 14, I think. We were playing "Spin the pringle can" (having no bottles), and that's where it happened. I was totally grossed out.

First Break-up: age 17, Chris went off to college, and that whooole long distance thing didn't work. It was all my fault, and I did it horribly over the phone, and for that I am sorry!

First Job: Volunteer at Oglebay Good Zoo

First screen name: Don't know! I used to have an ICQ name. Maybe it was Ambular.

First self purchased album: It was either Young MC, "Bust a Move" OR En Vogue, "Funky Divas"

First funeral: Don't really remember, but I think it was Patty Lou's (my mom's cousin) she was 40 and everyone thought it was sad. Either that or great grandma Kendjora's (she was 99, and died in her sleep during a thunderstorm).

First pets: Freckles the Parakeet and Rex the Wonderlizard.

First piercing/tattoo: my ears, on my 12th(?) birthday. I wasn't allowed to get them pierced until then, and neither was my sister Liz.

First credit card: hah! none yet!

First true love: Ack, that's hard. It seems like I've really loved alot of people, so probably chronologically it's Chris, although now we're simply excellent compatriots.

First enemy: Jeanette. She was always weird and drove me crazy with it, and I teased her and had my friends gang up on her alot. We made her cry. It is something I'm really ashamed of. In highschool we became good friends, ironically.

First big trip: When we moved from California to West Virginia!

First play/musical/performance: I was in many dance recitals from an eearly age, but probably my first memorable performance was being a licorice kid in the Nutcracker. I had to hide under some lady's dress.

First musician you remember hearing in your house: Dad, Dad, and more Dad.

LASTS
Last big car ride: Getting to madison, from Wheeling.

Last kiss: This morning!!!

Last good cry: Oh, it's been probably about a month. although it was more of a seeping cry. . .mom was acting so weird I just couldn't take it anymore.

Last library book checked out: ack! I can't remember. I think it had something to do with the history behind Grimm's fairytales.

Last movie seen: CRUEL INTENTIONS--which is, in my opinion, the best teen movie ever made, ironically because it is so adult. C'mon, Sarah Michelle Gellar and Selma Blair licking eachother's tongues? Joshua Jackson poppin' a boner on screen? Sarah's performance alone was so deliciously evil.

Last beverage drank: coffee made by Dave!!!

Last food consumed: Lay's Kettle cooked Salt & vinegar potato chips (breakfast!)

Last crush: Dave (aw... c'mon!)

Last phone call: a week ago, from mommy.

Last tv show watched: ummmmm. . . probably Law an order something. But it's been a month since I've had TV.

Last time showered: yesterday, although it was actually a bath.

Last shoes worn: worn out brown leather sandals with the soles a'peelin'

Last cd played: Linkin Park, ReAnimated or whatever

Last item bought: a cherry coke!

Last annoyance: Having to work till 6:30 in the lab, on a Friday.

Last disappointment: thinking I was doing awesome in lab and then thinking of three seperate things I had done incorrectly or forgotten to do.

Last soda drank: That cherry coke I bought :)

Last ice cream eaten: Fried Icecream at Pedro's on thursday night.

Last shirt worn: My kelly green "Aloha Grill" shirt that has sparklies on it.

Last website visited: my.wisc.edu

I'm sleepy so here are some short scraps of things I'm thinking about before I pass out

The week is going ok. I may have 2 out of 3 rotations secured for the semester. I still have classes, and the looming sense I'm not doing enough. I get to counter that with finally assuring myself that I'm damn good enough and am doing things right. It makes me giddy, ignoring the gnawing fear.

I rented some more movies for the week (I need to get cable). "Rosemary's Baby" was for last night, since I couldn't get Nightmare on Elm Street (I figured if Freddy's already in my head I might as well be entertained by him on TV). Rosemary's baby is pretty good stuff, although I will vow now not to watch it whilst nauseous, premenstrual, or pregnant, because for some reason this movie makes you feel that way, so it would be like any of these conditions x2.

I Also snagged a 5-day rental of Knights of the Old Republic for the x-box. WOW is it good fun. It's run on the same system as Neverwinter Nights I think? I'm a lovely female han-solo type scout, named "Newto San." My cohort, Carth, is a Colin Farrell-esque pilot for the republic, who can't trust me because he's been betrayed in the past, but who once called me "gorgeous" for short. I can dig it.

I'm holding on to the wedding invitation sent to Dave and I by Jason and Marybeth. We aren't going. Sentimental value, eh?

Dave has a crazy work schedule. Can't figure it out, but it's cool, because my schedule isn't exactly figured out. But I know that now I should go to bed, so off I go!

Bad Dreams, again

Sometimes you wake up and have to remember you've had bad dreams. Other times you wake up and they've already reminded you. I hate that feeling of dread that hangs in your head like smog, in the morning.

Last night's dream was nice enough to represent multiple pop-culture reference. I started out as Buffy, of course. It's a common theme. I'm Buffy and I'm sooo freaking tough and then I realize how vulnerable I actually am. And then Willow dozed off beside me and started screaming for me to "get them off me!! get them off me!"

I thought she was just crazy.

Then later on, I find out the monster of the week is Freddy Kruger. Now, in real waking life I've never been scared of that guy. . . but when he actually IS in your dreams, it's a different story. He kinda dug me as Buffy, so at first he didn't really want to kill me. Maybe he wanted me to hang out, in dreamland. But he got tired of that, and so I kept trying to run him over with a car, but he'd keep popping up behind trees or in the backseat.

Then, suddenly, the scene shifts totally. I'm still tough, but it's more me now. I'm laughing with my friend Jeanette from highschool. She's written a book about the future and she predicts where everyone will go to school, and also that I will be kidnapped by Arnold Schwarzenegger for some mission. I laugh about it, but then kids starting going off to college where she said they would, and you know what that means.

But in the meantime, some disaster happens and all of the kids our age are forced to run up a big hill and work small 2-person elevators (more like pulleys with chains) down deep into the earth--bomb shelters. I'm in the elevator with a girl who doesn't trust me. she's supposed to cooperate and we let both our sides of chain down at equal pacek--but she just throws her side up in the air and we fly downwards. I laugh nervously, trying to act impressed now.

We're underground, and they've given us money to buy things from the little cave/general store, but I only have 2 dollars and everything costs 9. I rummage through the records looking for more money allotted to me, and realize that Dave isn't here. (that's nothing new, as every nightmare and most dreams I have Dave isn't there, or can't be there). He should be here, because we've been loosely organized by undergraduate class. I start thinking maybe if I make friends, or do favors, I can get more money.

Suddenly I've been kidnapped by ol' Arnold, and he's given me a gun with a blue laser flashlight. He pushes me up into tunnels before him, to make sure they are clear. I'm good with a gun, but I can't help but feel I'm going to die really soon with all this pushing headfirst into things. I lead him down tunnels, and we end up at another room underground, which is also a store. I have to help him clear the perimeter, as the land has swelled out in front of us to include trees and lakes, and dinosaurs (of course). I shoot pteredactyls and t-rex's with my gun, which shoots bananas I can gather from the trees. Then Arnold leads in a group of prositutes he's paid to watch the door. He wanders up to the storeowner, and steals all the pens (which work as guns, and I trade mine in for a better one).

He has a big speech prepared, and in the end he walks slowly over to an airvent. And through the grate, black shiny fingers and an expanding jaw are reaching out to us. Arnold explains these organisms live to kill, and they will kill all of us. Only 2 of the 8 prostitutes are left gaurding the door--the rest ran away. Arnold and I make a quick exit, as the folks inside are fumbling with a locker; it leads to a secret passageway where a puppy is looking at them. They won't make it out in time. We run past giant spiders and swarming aliens, and make it to the surface.

Someone has signalled a biohazard alert, because there are medical teams scrambling everywhere. We've been contaminated. From the background, a flock of cockatoos takes flight--I'm filled with dread because I realize they'll spread the disease to whatever exotice location they are flying to. As they pass over me, golden and sparkling, they catch on fire. The governement has set them on fire, and they are still flying over me. I can hear a radio broadcast, claiming our benefits of genomics in America, how we can conquer this thing. And then I'm gone, and instead we're watching a small, thin black women in a violet slip. She's in front of a wall with shrubbery and flowers growing on it--she's been telling the story the whole time. She sighs, and says that people think the swarm is all gone. . . .

but she's heard rumors in the backwoods. . . .

The camera pans around, and we see that she's telling the story as part of a welcome center presentation. But the center is old and crumbling--it used to hold many cars, but there aren't many visitors anymore. The one car that was sitting and listening, parked inside the moldy cement arches, has already sputtered away. She stops her story, and hugs her daughter as she runs up.

And that's when the alarm rings.

Blargh, why is it so disturbing?

Like Campus Day when you didn't have a class anyway. . .

That's what Labor day is like to me. I mean, It's a national holiday, but I don't have any classes scheduled for Monday anyway. So it's kindof a non-issue.

Anyway, classes start tomorrow, and already I've gotten an e-mail from one professor saying to everyone in the advanced microbe genetics class to rethink being enrolled in it, because it's already overenrolled and stuff about how typically really excellent students aren't excellent scientists.

By the time I'm out of grad school, I have a feeling this little issue of "being a scientist" will be written on the inside of my forehead (Stole that imagery from William Gibson, had to.) It makes me queasy. I know I'm a good student. I have to believe I have what it takes to be a good scientist.

Did you ever see that miniseries on Dinotopia, where if you wanted to be a pilot riding a flying dinosaur, you had to take your saddle, walk to the cliff's edge, and wait to see if a SkyBaxx would pick you to fly? It's the only metaphor aside from Indiana Jones making a leap of faith in The Last Crusade. There is no way to possibly know if you're ready, right, and able to do the thing you're about to do. You just have to believe that you've made it this far, so you'll probably make it.

As far as I can tell, being successful here in this program requires, in part, great self-confidence. The only people not questioning themselves are delusional, so I shouldn't feel that apprehension is a sign I'm not capable. Enough said.

----

On a different note, I'm thinking that friends are the people you can share your dreams with. But really it's not mainly the dreams "for the future" I'm talking about. it's being able to tell someone about your weird-ass nightmares and fumbling multi-dreams from last night, and have them at least enjoy it or care. I think that's something grand.