Theme for today: enlightenment and dissilusionment--all in one!

Went out with my old highschool TV co-anchor Dave. Yes, two Daves in my life, although not simultaneously. This Dave, I fell in love with in kindergarten, and finally got to date him for one surreal summer before we went our seperate ways for college. I knew always that we'd never work out in the long run, but in the short term . . .He's a force of ego. The county math whiz who's always been unquestionably the smartest in every academic setting. He's the only guy to honest to God flirt with me, even wink at me in class. My point? Hold on but one moment:

As far as I can tell, my current hinderances to true happiness (tongue in cheek here) are being too pretty, independent, and most of all INTIMIDATING. I ask people, why don't guys approach me if I'm as pretty as you're saying. Their answer: THEY'RE SCARED.

Listen folks, I'm like, 5'6". I'm a girl. I'm a *nice* girl. Up until lately, I didn't really want to hurt people. What the heck do you think I would do? Say no? Fucking wimps. Whew. Ok, better now. Just FYI, when I got winked at, i got scared. I know it's scary, yes I do. The lesson I guess to learn is: I'll have to make the first move.

Ok, but there's more to this story. Some guys think they're ok with a girl such as me. But what if they discover they aren't? How I am supposed to avoid getting hurt by that--again? I have no clue. And moreover, I'm wondering how many worthwhile guys are NOT intimidated by me.

So I went out with Dave the Ego, because I knew in him there would be hope. So, as we traced the dark and strange backroads of Wheeling--there really isn't anything better to do, I asked him. I said "Dave, do you think I'm intimidating?"

He stopped the car.

And then he started laughing. "Whaaaat?" He said. He reached over and ruffled my hair and tickled my chin, like he used to, back when things were simple and the days were warm. "Nah. You're cute and sweet and smart, but you're not intimidating." (this is paraphrasing, as i suck at remembering converstations verbatim)

"lean over this way" I told him. And I planted a kiss on his cheek. He deserved it. He made my day. Why? Because, if I already found one guy already who is wonderful, who isn't scared of me. Who doesn't think I'm too much of anything, or not enough of something else. . . then there is hope. Odds are, there's someone out there who will fit this category. Somewhere, out there, there's gotta be someone who can love me, with all the love that I always end up giving. Mom told me that when I fall in love, I fall in love with my whole heart. It's the truth. Life is too short to love half-assed. It means I end up like this, but I still don't regret loving either Dave. When I said I loved them, I meant it. And I still do.

And now, I'm talking to my---no, not mine dammit--Dave. We're floating down from being pissed at one another, to just being in this misery together. It is tragic. There are so many things we have lost, and all just because we can't change the way we feel. I want to put my brain in a jar.