Friday, March 15, 2002

I PROMISE THIS IS A HAPPIER ENTRY

although, it's not like you can't just stop reading it if it *did* turn depressing. Heh. So, anyway. If you ever get to know me for any long period of time, you will find I am very much a super-mild manic-depressive: After I get super sad, to the point of utter despair, I zoom up into the heights of giddiness and joy. WHEEEE!!! So, judging by yesterday's entry, you can guess what I'm feeling right now. And Jiu Jitsu always makes me feel tremendously better. . .it never hurts to toss Jason around and kick him.

What was today's magic revalation?
Here it is: I'm not losing as much as I thought I was.
It's the blessed silver lining of thinking someone loved you more than they did (here there is a slight gnashing of teeth). Dave tried to help me yesterday, handing me over all his advice about life and happiness being this transient thing, references to insects added for flavor.
Unfortunately, most of that just didn't help. I know that someday I will die, and this too shall pass. But if life is so short, happiness can exist for a lifetime and still be transient, because we mortals are. The fact is, we're a weak species and we strive for order in a chaotic world. And Dave was my one bit of secure land in a sea of crap, and now it's sink or swim, you know? I have every right to be upset. But you know what? Holding grudges, being pissed, being hurt. . . what's the point really? All it does is keep you in the pain you're so upset you're feeling.

But Dave said one thing true thing, and I'm paraphrasing here: "With you, I know what I'm giving up. We'd get married, have some kids, and be sortof happy, and that's about it"

And this one time I'll relinquish it: He's right. That's really all there is for us. I want to be hesitant here and say that it's not a matter of how good a person he is or I am. It's not a question of who's good in bed or funny to talk with. No, the question is not worth, it's fit. And while we conform enough to eachother to be comfortable, we just don't connect enough. So what am I losing? What exactly is there to mourn? In the end, just disillusionment. It was a wonderful time in my life, and I was so very certain it would go on like that forever. But it didn't, and that's for the best, really.

On to general news: Tomorrow should be super fun! Nick and James and I and who knows who else will be going out for sushi, and maybe some window shopping. I'm so very thankful for these friends I have. Now if only the dating pool here at Hiram where a little deeper. . .Nah, why sweat it? I'm single, and I'll have fun with it, and hopefully that will include all kinds of fun!
A girl can only dream, and pray.

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