We now interrupt this program for bitching

Ok, so apparently because I was insanely happy from thursday through most of Saturday, I must be depressed on Sunday. What the hell is THIS brain? Can't we just be happy? No. Apparently we can't. I guess it's really all because of stress, and specifically that sort of special stress that only Sunday can bring, when you realize the weekend is over, and you must begin to work again. No rest until Friday. YUCKO

I'm mainly stressed about two things, the first of which WAS my green belt test this evening. For some reason, Jason and Sensei insist I'm ready to test. I think, ok, maybe I am and agree to it. Then I realize today that there are techniques I just learned TODAY, and I do them with Dave and suddenly there's alot to be desired in my technique, which is really confusing. It's a huge disparity--From being ready to test last week to not even being close to ready, and then I begin to worry I'm just taking tests without really being ready for them. I'm just half-assing the techniques and uke's are jumping for me so they turn out ok despite the fact they aren't correct. Perhaps none of this is true. I had to sit in the library and cry for awhile, because I want to test, but I don't feel ready, but everyone is going to ask me "hey why didn't you test today?" and I'll probably have to resist the urge to hit some people and of course succumb to the fact that I'm getting all upset over nothing. I feel somehow slighted here, but I think probably I'm the one doing the slighting. Which is harder to deal with, certainly.

Oh well, I'm going to class tonight, and I'll just try not to get frustrated and start crying, because I'm TRYING not to act like a wimpy girl.

So I called Sensei and Jason and let them know I wasn't testing today. Probably won't get to test now until late October. And of course Sam called me a slacker. So I told him Fuck You. And now I'm a jerk, right?

The other counteracting stressor is that my group has to present a paper on Tuesday for my Topics in Microbiology Class. I hate group projects, because hell is depending on other people to do work. Plain and simple.

Well, I'm trying to convince myself that if I just ride the bad mood out, I'll be fine and cheery by the evening. But I doubt that. Especially since I want both space and hugs at the same time. Grrrrrrr.

Ain't no one as dope as me, I'm just so fresh and . . . so fresh and so clean-clean

Wow, ok, don't know exactly what to accredit the title too. Haven't even been THINKING clean in the last day or so, after I recovered my sleep lost from wednesday. I guess I'll just give my shout-out to Outkast, a group who's music I really actually enjoy, especially their sense of humor.

Let's start with the infamous Physics test: I would have aced it, if it were not for the stupid "derive an equation from these other equations" thing. Maybe some of you folks know what I'm talking about. It's basically taking a mess of variables in equation form, and shifting them around and trying to cancel them out so that you end up with a nice, simple equation to work with. . . it pisses me off just slightly to have this on a test, because it takes me hours to do these things. So I left the test cross-eyed but relieved. I think I did ok, but I'm not going to sweat it. I'm a biologist, not a physicist goddamnit.

Jiu Jitsu was fantabulous on Friday night. There were at LEAST 17 people there, and we did my favorite things: rolling around for breakfalls, roundhouse kicking, and kumite (sparring). Remind me to tell my left hand to wake up, because it was just not functioning during sparring. I'm proud to say I made some good shots to the head--only because I know its my weakness and it's interesting to be aware of it and take advantage of it on other people. I'm testing for my green belt on Sunday, and so I was a little perturbed that I didn't really get a chance to work on my belt sheet. .. (nervous nervous nervous).

Then Sam took us all to G-ville, where I rented a slew of movies. We watched "The Bare Wench Project" which is pretty much what it sounds like: a bad movie with jerky camera effects and breasts. Lots and lots of breasts. Now, personally, I have nothing against breasts and the viewing of breasts, but this was just ridiculous. I mean, when the sorority girls were convinced the bare wench would go away if they all took their shirts off. . . again. . .well, it was just plain silly. Complete softcore ridiculousness, although when they ran into the two guys "collecting pine cones. . . FOR THE LORD" I was thoroughly amused.

Great thanks to Sprite for visiting AND letting me have leftover sushi!!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY KAT!!!

Let's move to Saturday shall we?

Amber's favorite event of the year was occurring: THE ARTS AND MUSIC FESTIVAL. Which is basically tables and tables of free crafts, live bands, and some miscellaneous newagey stuff. I spent several hours constructing a necklace out of copper wire and strange beads. I think it turned out quite shiny, but I'm proud of it. I then waited for what seemed like hours to get my tarot cards read, because damnit it isnt' much fun read my own. And at this stage in the game, I'm in need of a little insight.

As the lady was shuffling her cards, she said "Amber do you like fast cars?"

Being extremely unhelpful, I said "Uh, sometimes?"
She then went on to explain she just got a sudden flash of a convertible, me in the passenger's seat, maybe with a friend, and it's late November. . "the last of the leaves" she said. I'm just including this now so if perchance in November something like this happens, well, I'll have witnesses. Yes ladies and gentlemen, you heard it heard it here first! She drew three cards.

The first was . ..

TOO BEEE CONTINUEED!!!!!

Thank god it's friday; goddamnit I have a physics exam

I think that basically sums today up for me. For some reason I feel like the bio department is cranky with me, but maybe it's just because I'm going through biology class withdrawl (I have like, a one-hour journal club for microbiology, then it's ALL math), and also I dreamt that Prudy was teaching a biochem seminar and she was patting and coddling Katie, Chris, and Spencer and basically ignoring me. Eh, it's an old insecurity of mine. I've often felt like maybe I shouldn't be in science. I mean, look at my freaking SAT's. . . I've got mad verbal skills, but my math was like, 560 at its best. SUXOR. But one day, I told Dave how I felt like such a fake, like I wasn't half as good as all the other folks and how they were destined for research greatness and I was just an english major in a labcoat. And he told me HE feels the same way in computer science. And then I realized probably EVERYONE feels this way from time to time. I once heard that the typical nightmare of many high-up successful people is that someone will finally figure out they don't know anything, that there's nothing at all different about them.

Insecurities man. . . . I think those are hobgoblins that many of us are familiar with.

It's yucky and rainy too today. This is a crappy friday. I've given poor Dave D. the plague, so now he's as sniffily and tired as I was earlier in the week. Some would say you hurt the ones you love. .. I would say you CONTAMINATE them. Sorry, dear prettty Mau'dib.

Finally: I have scheduled my GRE's, so now I just have to worry about taking them, as opposed to WHEN I'll take them.

Now I have to write a statement of purpose for the rest of my life, a list of biology related activities that I have participated in, calculate all my GPA's and request transcripts. . . and figure out 3 folks who can write recommendations for me. . . . .and THEN, I can apply for Grad school!

Looking down the maw of an all-nighter

Friends and neighbors gather round, because Amber has a hell of alot of work to finish tonight, and she doesn't even want to get started. Somehow, to all the professors, it seems like a good idea to assign everything for Wednesday, because thursday is campus day and they want us to have "fun"

Ok, so it will be fun by wednesday evening, if I can stay awake.

I went to sleep last night feeling genuinely happy. Like things were going to be more then just alright. They were going to be great. I stayed up waay to late reading my old writings (the ones nobody but lil' old me gets to see) from the hell semester. It was rather disorienting, and at the same time very vindicating to see me writing in full wrath. It's kind of a shame that I have this failsafe device that generally prevents me from writing offensive things on here. I'm just a coward that way. It just never seems worth the trouble: pissing people off but getting to say what you want. But anyway, it was great retrospective fun.

I dreamt that I was part of the fellowship of the ring, and I was making ready to do battle with the Ringwraiths. I grabbed my enchanted sword (which had a great name that I can't remember) and I did leap about and smite them thusly. It was really great. Then I dreamt I was dancing under water. That was good too.

So how was today? Generally great. Looks like another relationship is blooming, or boinking (when relationship progress goes BOINK!) or something like that. And it's a beautiful thing. I'm extremely happy, and I hope it all turns out well.

I went to Wallmart with Sam, Robin, and Dave and I bought thigh-high fishnets and a plastic cutlass. I am determined to be a pirate this year for Halloween. Yarrrr! BRING ME THE MONSTER BOOTY! Oh, does anyone want to see a story about lesbian pirates?! If you do, its right here. It's great fun, and if the idea doesn't appeal to you, that's ok, I still like you :)

Jiu Jitsu was great fun, as THE CHEWIE returned, but I was sad to return home and find that my tape had given out halfway in the recording of the SEASON PREMIERE OF BUFFY. Oh cruel fate! that dost deprive me of my favorite show! grrrr.

So once again, things hover on a state of happy calm. I don't trust it. But I'll still be happy while I can.

Bite-sized bits of thought

Well, kids, I'm certainly falling into a sort of style that inspired my title for today. There are alot of random things that all deserve mentioning, but I don't want to stay up all night typing them ;)

Ok, first. Quite a random week has passed by. And now Sam is single. Yes, our lovable scamp is out about the town. I wish him all the best, because man, he deserves it.

Secondly, I have a clone for a neighbor. Dave and Sam believe that Jame's friend Anastasia is in fact a clone of me my freshmen year, and just recently I noticed her name on the door next to mine. .. . WEEEEIIIRRRDD!! Although Dave says I look prettier now than I did then, so it's not soo weird. Although I was under the impression I have decayed somewhat with time (I found wrinkles under my eyes over the summer!!! GAAAHHH!!). But he says I'm prettier, and now I'm babbling. Sorry.

I also have developed a full-blown sniffly cold, and my voice is on the downward spiral towards the "Demi Moore" range. Which would be just fine, but I'm doing a scene tomorrow, and talking is kindof important. AND I wake up in the middle of the night with a tickly throat. I don't care for that, not at all. YUCK. Today Spencer (new AIBS President) explained he didn't get sick because he couldn't afford to. Oh yeah? well neither can I. I found the implication not funny. But that's me, taking things the wrong way. . . I am waaay too sensitive. Although I can get my back rubbed without leaping about going eeee!!! WHO AMONG YOU CAN CLAIM THE SAME?

Ok, I think I'm still alittle stoned off that 12 hour cold and sinus tablet Dave gave me.

Alrighty, what's left? OH! Current Grad school perspective: Move to University of Maine at Orono. Why?

Stephen King is alumni. . . I COULD SEE HIM IN PERSON!?
It's near Canada, and Arcadia National Park and all that good canadian stuff
it's supposedly beautiful, quiet, quaint, and friendly
Dave and I could talk with outrageous new england accents, eat lobster, go to hockey games, and get puppies and a car.
There's a really cool chick with a lab there who is interested in Marine microbiology (AND I AM TOO!)

Shouldn't get too excited yet. . . I'll probably change my mind. This time last week I was sure I wanted to move to Hawaii.

Random thought: I never realized there were people in this world who seem to genuinely ask for abuse without saying anything. I mean, how does one radiate "kick me, puch me!"? And what's more than that, it's strange how that makes you feel. I mean, if it feels satisfying, if not gleefully fun to go ahead . . . what kind of person does that make you? What is their purpose in the world?

(that's your homework for tonight, everybody).

FINALLY: everything is due on wednesday, and I'm freaking out a little. But now I should go to bed, and hope I don't wake up in the middle of the night, perched high up on my bunk bed, with an itchy throat.

miniature rants that aren't even all that ranty

First thing: Feeling sick. . . .on the weekends. Ok, so it's great to get in sick during such a time that you don't miss class and such, but dammit it's my time off to just have fun. WHY spend it feeling slighty feverish, achy, and nauseous? YOU TELL ME.

Second thing: Macking on another man's lady, in the lounge. To some degree or another, simply making the moves on someone's special someone is a tremendous pet peeve of mine. Although pet peeves are usually small, nonobvious sources of annoyance like knuckle cracking. . . . Well, seeing such things happen in PLAIN PUBLIC VIEW just really makes me go "OOOOoooo!!!" and want to go do some smacking upside the head. Obviously, I don't know the whole story, so I'm not totally cranked. But I just wanted to say how lame I think it is. A veritable desecration of the sanctity of The Lounge.

Finally, I hate how you can get a stuffy nose in only one nostril. Why just one? I mean, it's better than both, sure. But why even bother with one?

- - - - - -

Ok, there is nothing like a good rant, and THAT was nothing like one :)

Well, the other thought that's been rolling around my head is of circles. Lately, when I get bored, I've found myself sketching out an old design that I had picked out a ways back for if I ever got a tattoo (something that will likely never happen). It's call the Ouroboros, and it's that symbol of a serpent eating its own tail. I've always liked it, because to me it represents eternity, rebirth, the really awesome idea that the universe consumes itself only to become itself again (ok, that sounds obscure). Scientifically, the idea that energy is neither created, nor destroyed, but simply changes forms. I keep thinking about it, and the slow, heavy grinding of a wheel. 2002 has been all about coming full circle--from highschool until now, for me at least. Going from choosing colleges to choosing grad schools, from dumping to being dumped, from the end of highschool to the end of alot of things. Weird isn't it? All the things this year has done to us. . . it's seems terrible and inevitable. But it's all the same old song and dance. What goes around, comes around. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. There is a greek saying associated with old ouroboros: Hen to pan. . . "The all, the One"

Do I sound hokey enough yet? I'm sorry about that. It just makes sense. There is only so much material in the universe, and no matter how much or how little life cycles, certain things will roll our way. We are ALL subject to it the creaking gears of life, and eventually we are all consumed by it. . . and after that, well, I'll leave you to theorize.

Hitting the Snooze Button

There were several brief thoughts that I wanted to typey type here, but I'm having trouble remembering what they were. Hmmm. OK!

1) Congratulations to the newest couple in Henry (they know who they are, and probably so does most of Henry by now)

2)I am having recurrent dreams of trying to take care of babies and/or small embryo-sized tadpole like things. I dreamt last night I had to take care of a baby, and it turned into a TINY baby bunny, and THEN it turned into my late puppydog Pepper. What the hell is this supposed to mean? Recent theories are that my biological clock is ringing "what about babies?!" (did you know a woman reaches the peak of fertility (supposedly) at around 22?) My explanation is that I have alot of little things I'm supposed to take care of: I have alot of very stressing and important responsibiliites. I don't know where baby bunnies falls into this.

3) All the rugby girls were getting all excited for their first game today. They were totally cute, running around in black and yellow bee-knee socks. CUTE! I hope they totally crush everything in their path (except the people I like, like me)

4)being a girl is occasionally lame, especially when it prevents you from sleeping in.

5)While it is annnoying that sometimes the only way I feel better is after crying for 15 minutes about something, at least it works. I feel better about grad school. . . . but I would feel even better if I was already done and accepted already!

6) ON DRAMA: We've had enough already. Let's all just become boring till christmas!

I finally become cool

Tish has introduced me twice today as "the pinnacle of coolness in Henry"

I think back to that third grader with the crooked teeth, bug-eye glasses, crimped hair pull back with a horrendously big bow. . . .and I think, "FINALLY, AFTER ALL THESE YEARS. . . . I am cool"

But I must be getting older, because it's nice, but it's not half as big a deal as it would have been 3+ years ago. Yeah, so peple think I'm cool. Doesn't get my grad school applications sent, or my homework done, baby. But still, it's nice to feel respected, and it's definitely great to feel cool. It's funny, because I dont' really think I'm cool. How can I be cool? I am a big dork. I live in henry. I think I just answered my question.

Grad school is stressing me out a bit today--although probably tomorrow it will be Physics or my APEX that's doing the stressing. I have come to the realization that I could solve all these problems quite simply by just going back to University of Hawaii at Manoa for a Masters Degree in Microbiology. I loved hawaii, and it would give me time to do more research on my favorite squid bacteria and decide better what I want out of a PhD program. What's stopping me from e-mailing Ned and saying I'M COMING HOME TO STAY?

UH at Manoa's Microbiology Department is supposedly not that great.

While I was there, Jess (grad student) didn't seem extremely thrilled with the program. Cheryl was pretty much saying that there wasn't much comraderie in the department. But then again, she was still hinting at doing grad work there. Then I start to wonder if this would be backtracking. Will this be beneficial to my career? Do I want a real career? EEEEEEIIIIIKKKKK!!!

Somedays I'm completely certain I'm ready for grad school. And some days I feel like I should take a break and take it slow for a little bit. I worry about how many schools I'm interested in. I continually think "I don't know where to apply. I should be applying more places." because I'm pretty much interested to some degree or another in schools that do research on my favorite bacteria, Vibrio fischeri. Maybe I'll keep a daily log, recording where I feel certain I should go this day. Right now, my brain keeps saying
"You aren't completely ready to search for a PhD program. You don't know what you want, and you should know that before you commit 5-6 years of your life to it." Which, I think, sounds incredibly wise. But then again, am I just taking the easy way out?

I think that's what's bugging me, deep down. I want to keep all my options open, which is smart. But at the same time, I just want to relax for a little while. Today I don't feel ready for the PhD. I DO want more time to decide my life. I can't do it this semester--it's a FUCKING CRAZY SEMESTER. So of course, the idea of whisking off to hawaii with Dave for two years to do research in a lab I love in a place I love seems pretty damn appealing. But what if I'm just being lazy? What if this hurts my chances of getting into a PhD program later on? What if I can't afford it? What if Dave doesn't like it there? What if we end up like Jess in some miniature apartment with a nosey old japanese land lady, no kitchen but plenty of cockroaches?

Well, today the what if's sound silly. It's just two years of my life. And I could get published in that time, which could increase my chances of getting into a good PhD program--and also give me time to figure out what program I really want. I think, aside from the heat--which is only bad when the trade winds don't blow--Dave will like it. It's Hawaii for goodness sakes, everyone likes it. . . except Cheryl. She despised it. Oh and think of all the raw fish I could eat!

And then the scariest thought occurs: What if Ned moves the lab to University of Wisconsin at Madison? Then my fallback plan is screwed.

WHERE ARE YOU GRAD SCHOOL FAIRY!?

Dreaming the strange dreams

Ok, so here's what I dreamt last night:

I was at home with my family, and suddenly America had been invaded (by who, I don't really know), and a war began. Almost immediately, we were being forced to take what we could carry, and move to conentration centers. I was frantic, because I couldn't find my warm coat to take with me--for the winter months, and I wanted to cry because I was leaving all my beautiful clothes behind. We couldn't take our pets with us, and I knew my gecko and the family parakeet would freeze to death. But we had to go.

We arrived at the center and were split up by age and region. I was in a institutional white room with all my compatriots from highschool (The old Sherrard crew). No one else seemed particularly upset--they gave us movies and popcorn, and made us sit down on the carpet and behave. I just cried. I missed my Dave D., I knew I couldn't leave, and I didn't know what was going to happen to us. My free life was over; it was all gone.

Dream-months passed, and now we POW's were given a little bit more freedom. I snuck back to my house, but there were new people living in it. They had a little boy. So I started my walk through a town back to the Center. I saw Dave D! He was enlisted in the military now--by choice or by force--and he didn't really acknowledge me. Maybe he was not allowed to. Regardless, it made me sad all over again. I ran into Adam too, and tried to cheer him up. Back at the Center, the gaurds were getting alot more relaxed, and one of them wanted to show off a hiding spot he had found in a nearby abandoned building. I remember thinking how important it was to remember places like this, for when the time came to escape . . . .

Kinda interesting eh? More disturbing, really.

Even more disturbing? It IS MONDAY. YUUUUUUCK.

*clever*


What fuzzy creature are you?

Stealing can be fun, and if I'm acting weird, it isn't because I'm sad

Physics lab in the morning, so my day from 8AM-12:30PM was swallowed up in cars on tracks and photogates. DAMN PHYSICS.

whew, ok :)

So I came back to Henry, lounged with Sam for a bit, and then went and took a delightful afternoon shower. I *could* have done physics homework, but I felt a shower took priority. Anything else would, over physics. So I got all cleaned and spiffed up, which was good because there was a big hefty afternoon ahead. Sprite showed up around 3PM, and I escorted him around 3rd Henry, extolling the marvels of the floor (It's a whole different place now. . . LOTR soundtrack was wafting through the halls! Guinea pigs roamed the lounge!) It was a little strange at first, but then I was really glad to have him here. He is a damn joyful person, and we need that right now. Down in the lounge, Tom was putting together a flower arrangement for Allison's service. It was made of field flowers: purple ironweed and a pretty yellow flower I can't identify. He was getting very frustrated, and I tried to offer my 4-H trained advice on the subject. Little known fact that I'm an avid flower arranger. So, I decided I wanted to bring flowers too. . . .

Problem was, I didn't have any flowers. So I grabbed a shoulderbag, and Sprite, and we went off for an adventure across campus! I needed flowers, many different flowers. So we made a giant loop, picking flowers from the big garden between Gerstacker and the library, wishing we could snip the rich purple blossom in front of Frohring (sp?). I laughed so hard when I tried to take those quickly. The stems just bent, and if I pulled, the whole bush would shudder. I had images in my head of pulling the whole thing out and taking that to the service. No can do, lady. My best stop was at the greenhouse, where the beautiful orange-red hibiscus were in bloom. I snipped two, and brought my booty back home to arrange. It turned out beautifully, and Kat put a SpongeBob Nudy-pants sticker on it, and it was perfect and done.

Allison's service WAS beautiful, and so necessary. The field station was at its peak, with everything still green but the air cool. It was too quiet when we got there, so Sam, Barrie, Adam, and I went around back to watch the herd of fish waiting for breadcrumbs stare at us. Sam threw rocks at them and tempted the Swans closer. It was a good place to be. Right before the service started, we were all seated in the Observation Building, and no one was speaking. Would Allison let it stay that quiet if she was there? I don't know, but I felt like jumping up and down and going "TALK! TALK!"

There were alot of things said about Allison that suprised me, and saddened me, because mainly I am sad for everyone's loss--including my own. There was alot to her, and I only saw one little part of it. Here are some snippets:
Allison was a strong woman
Allison was the ideal Puck
Allison was a serious student who wasn't always serious

I cried. I didn't want to--I'm so tired of crying--but these days I cry whenever I'm moved. This year. .. .that's a whole other rant. But it was wonderous and healing to be in a room full of crying people. To feel yourself welling up and shuddering and look around to see not one dry eye. It was finally ok to be sad, and it was time to be sad together.

I'm pretty sure Allison has already moved on. I'm hoping she gets to be something great, again.

I loved how she wasn't afraid to show joy, to be childish. So if I start acting loud, chatty, and weirder than usual, it's because she has given me the courage. I've been so concerned with how people would see me if I acted in such a way, but I think it's time to say screw that. But don't go looking for a change. I'm still self-conscious, and I don't need the pressure.

This is my cute little cousin Thomas. According to my mom, he is also my dad's favorite nephew. This is hearsay of course ;)
Thomas loves hats, apparently, and he is getting to wear quite a nice one--with a fuzzy bear on the top--for his first day of preschool!

AWWWWW

The Halls are Alive. . .

. . . with the sounds of people getting ready for auditions.

Yeah, today was the first day of auditioning for "Rocky Horror Show" and 3rd Henry was echoing with showtunes and monologues. I was really rather jealous. I LOVED doing musicials in high school. I loved auditioning, and blocking, and costuming, and singing, and dancing. I almost auditioned, but I had to convince myself that I would have to be insane to clear my schedule for all the work I had to do and then get cast in a mainstage production. . . It's just I miss it alot. It may sound really arrogant, but dammit this girl can sing. AND she can dance. And she can own a stage. But she's a bio major, so she never gets to prove herself. Oh well. I'll just sing my showtunes when no one else is around.

Jiu Jitsu thought for the day: Why does groundfighting make me giggle? (groundfighting is, btw, wrestling your opponent and trying to choke them or pin them until they tap out, and usually involves rolling around and choking folks with your legs). Sure, I know why WATCHING ground fighting makes me giggle. . . I mean, come on, it's people wrestling. USUALLY sweaty guys wrestling, and I have always found this endlessly amusing. But I giggle ALL the time during groundfighting. I'm not sure if it's appropriate or not.

I think mainly it's because it's SOO much fun. Don't ask me why. I feel deprived as a girl, because girls don't tend to wrestle. I have just about zero experience--outside of "highschool experiences"---wrestling someone. For one thing, I tend to roll off a person when I should be trying to pin them. I keep forgetting the importance of pinning and choking. I roll off of the mount position like a weeble. And then I giggle like a madperson. Or like today, when I was on my back getting attacked, I got my uke in a sort of headlock where I had my legs wrapped around their head, and a firm grip on their arm. I have no idea what to do next. And suddenly they start to stand up, and I'm thinking, "NAH, he can't lift me! I'll just hold on tighter." And then suddenly I'm dangling off the ground several inches like a christmas ornament, holding on to that arm for dear life. And I start giggling again. I found out later I was supposed to let go as soon as they started to pick me up. OH well! It's just fun. Damnit, Jiu Jitsu is fun, with the exception of the occasional episode of uncomfortableness and the time we practice breakfalls and I give myself whiplash, or when I break my pinky toe. . ..

A week full of sleeping in?

I feel like getting back to mundane events for a second. So here it goes. I had to bother the psych department for weeks to get permission to forgo my requisite Experimental Methods for Neuroscience. See, as many of you may know, my experimental methods lab made me miss every wednesday of Calc-based Physics. Baby, that's a recipe for disaster. So I had to harass my exp. meth. professor, then Gwen Fischer, and then once I got permission to take Neuro without exp. methods, I had to hunt down Konnick on the last day of the add/drop period to add Statistics to my schedule, and drop Exp. Methods. And let me tell you, IT WAS WORTH ALL THE STRESS. Now I don't have class until 1:15 every day. At last my dream has come true. And Konnick is a hilarious professor. I'm pretty sure I'm going to stress myself out completely somehow anyway, but at least it isn't over fucking experimental methods.

And now for a random hodgepodge of thoughts.

It doesn't feel like a weekday, and that's probably because I cannot resist sleeping in, given the opportunity.

Today I was reading magazines in the lounge and I felt the bite of the travel bug again. Where do I want to go? The Greek Isles, baby. We'll see.

We had our floor meeting on 3rd Henry, and it was actually alot of fun. However, I still feel inept when socializing with girls. They are SO hard to read. And it seems like you have to walk that line between being cool and being so cool that you threaten other people. I wore a pair of fairy wings to the meeting, and it suddenly reminded me of Sprite's entry, talking about how Allison wanted to come back as a butterfly. I know what she meant.

For some reason, Dave has sign on his door that says "MY PENIS IS A THING." And most recently someone has added to it "You wish" in small, scrawling letters. Does my boyfriend have to wish his penis was a thing? Isn't it a thing by nature? What the hell? I told him it was because all the guys were jealous of how great he is. They probably hate him for it. He says all the guys don't care about him, that actually they hate ME because they can't date me, but instead have to date their girlfriends. . . . I love our debates and strange reasoning. I love that I feel completely comfortable with him, so acting so silly is natural. Of course, I still think I am right :)

For some reasonIt's been so hot the last handful of days that even cuddling Dave D. on what we're still counting as a 3-year anniversary is hard to do. When will it be the crisp, apple-cider fall I've been dreaming of?

Post script

Rick is singing "rollercoaster of love" again in the room below mine. I'm not sure what he's up to this time ;)

You know, by now I should come to expect that the hard times in our lives usually bring with them revelations and other such amazing observations. But no, I'm always completely suprised by them. But that's kindof nice in it's own way. . . Wednesday was a very hard day, for most of Henry I think. No one knew just what happened to Allison. There were people obviously in a lot of pain, but there were also alot of people who were just quiet. I think it took all day just to really accept the news. And the day was so beautiful and patient--it was sunny but not hot, just windy enough to be refreshing. Funny how nature can be.

Thursday was better, and it was then that the practical things that needed to be taken care of moved to the forefront. People had to start thinking about things like what to do with her pet gecko, very pregnant rat, and two fishies. Word got around that her family would be coming in from Oregon. I don't know, it was a day of process, and I felt a little less weighted down.

Friday has been all about tying up loose ends, setting things right, and generally putting things in order for all that must happen next. Kat told me that it was concluded that Allison took a combination of nightshade and antifreeze. She was obviously serious about going through with it. It was hard news, but somehow it gives some closure. I saw Kat walking from the corner store, and she told me also that they (I'm assume Nick, Kat, Tom, and Allison's family) bought flowers and laid them in the parkinglot in G-ville where the car was found. Back in the lounge, John Moody was working with the Henry community on a memorial service at the field station. Everyone who knew her seems to agree that she loved it there, and that it is appropriate to hold a service there. These things are hard, but so necessary. Her funeral in Oregon will be on September 11th. It's been a full turn of the seasons since that all happened? That seems appropriate too.

It is at this point that I want to say, if you haven't read Alice's newest entry, YOU SHOULD. The link is right here on the sidebar of my journal. She explains alot, and personally, it helped so much to get closer to understanding why people leave this world behind by choice.

Aside from the soft, beatiful weather of Wednesday, something else has really struck me. The lounge is packed with people at all times. Andy took a few folks out to a bar wednesday night, and has been doing comic monologues when it was necessary. Kat and Nick and Tom are surrounded by people, all ready to laugh with them, or just be there. If I say "it's really beautiful," I'm afraid it will sound really hokey. Let's just say it's humanity at its best. Compassion sweeping in from unexpected places. There's a card on the table of the 3rd Henry Lounge. It's from 4th Miller, signed by everyone. Nobody in the card says very much, just the same things over and over again: "We are so sorry for your loss. You are in our thoughts and prayers." It really isn't much at all, bascially variations on two sentences. But it means so much, just to know that people care, and that they understand our loss.

It's been kindof hard for me, because I really don't like to cry in front of other people, with the exception of those I feel extremely close to. And there have been times I wanted to cry, alot. But frankly, there are so many people who need more comforting than I do, I'd feel guilty to cause a scene. What's more, I only was beginning to really know Allison. I was actually hoping to get to know her better, and maybe we could be friends. Why her? Because she really saw things differently, and I understood that. And she was kind, and strange, regardless of her mood. I mean, I look at Kat and Tom and Nick Z. and it's like, MAN, THEY were close to her. They probably assume I'm just being polite when I ask how they're doing. They probably think I'm weird for being all red-eyed, and saying awkward things at the wrong times. . . . I don't have any right to be upset.

But of course, this is just my insecure brain feeding me the biggest heap of nonsense. We all have a right to feel however we do about all of this. It doesn't matter how close anyone was to her. We all feel the loss. I still keep thinking I see her at the bench outside of Henry. Mom used to say that when someone dies, sometimes it takes a day or two for them to get their bearings, and sometimes it feels like they are still here for awhile, and then they move on. But I think that it's just my vivid imagination, getting lonely and just deciding to keep some of her around. I figure that's ok. Hiram was haunted for me before September 4th. What's one friendly face in the grand scheme of things?

Underneath the weight of it all

You know, I had written a very long entry about the news today, and then Kat needed to sweep, so we unplugged an extension cord. .. and. . .well, there went my entry. So I've decided to keep it short and pick up where I left off.

Allison Ferris is dead. The campus e-mail told us police found her unconcious in a car in Garretsville, and that they took her to the hospital where they pronounced her dead. That's the news.

And what hits me hardest is the fight with reality. I can't really register what has happened. I keep thinking I'll walk out of Henry and see her sitting there on the smoking bench, or sprawled out in the lounge. Or that any minute she'll be knocking on the door looking for Kat, my roommate It's the having to remind myself that hurts. Because it takes many small battles with reason to convince yourself.

What makes me saddest is the gaping holes she's leaving everywhere. I think about Tom, a close friend of hers who let her borrow the car to run in to G-ville, I worry about the weight of his what-if's. Kat's carrying her own too. After I heard the news, I came back to the room, since Dave had skipped class. So Dave, Sam, Barrie, and I all went to lunch, and tried to laugh a little. It's funny how the laughing sounded loud and quiet at the same time.

I came back to my room, and found it quite occupied. Kat, Nick Z., Tish, and eventually Sharon and Brian all sat in the room, laughing and being quiet. This may be how it is. To me, Allison was a day brightener. She was always a little wacky, living slightly out of phase and not embarassed by it. I really admired that about her. She would always say hello, and I admired that too. I know there had to have been alot more going on in that head, but I never really got to know just what. And I never will. And that is sad too.

It is times like these that I'm reminded just how long a year it's been, and just how much longer there is to go. I don't think I've ever lived such a long year. Even the slow hours of childhood can't compare. I mean, I've lived so MUCH in one year. Almost too much. It's been like a wave, these interesting times, hitting one person and moving on to the next, and I'm wondering just when it's going to break on shore.

And then I wonder when the next one's coming?

Lastly, there's a little snippet of verse I chanced upon, and I wanted to put it here, just because.

There's a knock on the door that I adore
There's a face at the window, a smiling yellow face
There's a knock at the door, and if I were at home, they'd find me there

There's a note on the door that I would see
And the furniture's barely been moved from where it was
There's a note on the door
And the note would say "when it rains, it snows"

When it rains, it snows
I wonder why
And now I know
That when it rains, it snows
--"When it Rains it Snows," They Might Be Giants

It's a little TOO quiet

Yeah, right. I'm happy things are calm, although it's a little unnerving, because I know there are tons of things I could be doing, and also that very soon things are going to get nutso. I'm really settling into the idea of just living for a couple years without progressing towards a PhD. Frankly, it sounds fantastic: just go out west, get a nice-paying job in industry, keep my eyes open for a good PhD program, and when I find it, go for it. I have sort of a multi-pronged approach in my head. If I can find a sweet doctorate program now, I'll go for it. But if I can't, I'm not going to compromise and stick myself in a program I don't like. I'll either work in industry, or get my master's degree. So ok, I can stop worrying so much about that.

I'll just take my GRE's and not stress about that either. . . yeah, right. Same would go for the APEX presentations. And there's that pesky issue of working in Brad's lab. I would love to just not worry about it for a little while, but of course all those people I consider my peers are working hardcore in there. . . . I wish I knew where they found the time. . . .

It's just alot of mundane stuff, you know? If there was anything positive to be said about the spring of hell, it was that I could afford to take my mind of this stuff, and obsess about how attractive I was, or where I was going to find someone to curl up in bed with, or a million other highschoolish personal things. But now, the real world encroaches. The actual decisions loom. And I'm finding my pains and hatreds so childish but unshakeable. I'm trying to think of a good metaphor here. Maybe a combination of Dorothy when she wakes up in her black and white world, relieved--but of course folks think she's crazy in the sequel. . .hmmm, I guess that's close enough.

Right now everything's swirling around Kat, and I try--perhaps sometimes too hard--to let her know I know how it feels. But saying it feels like being 50 and telling a teenager you know what it is like to be young. It gets harder to believe every day. It's her turn to dance in the midst of chaos. And as for me? I'll just try to get enough sleep, and enough food, and enough love to make it through the semester alive.