On wanting things

I've been thinking a bit lately about the issue of wanting. There's been very little that's been denied to me in this life, and so I've put off the lessons to be learned from not always getting what you want. So here are some proverbs to chew on, because why the heck not?:

Dwell not upon thy weariness, thy strength shall be according to the measure of thy desire.
--Arabian Proverb

Who chooses will always have desires.
--Zanzibar Proverb

Who is blind? He who can see no other world. Who is dumb? He who can say nothing pleasant about his lot. Who is poor? He who is troubled with too many desires. Who is rich? He who is happy with his lot.
--Indian Proverb

The Veritable Ton of Bricks

How exactly can it be that you would know some one for many years, talk to them for 30 minutes, and suddenly see a whole different person? I can't sleep just yet, because I'm still a little amazed. Ok, so perhaps this entry won't make any great deal of sense for all its ambiguity. Let me just say a couple things.

1)First, if something's bugging you, I suggest taking a walk. There hasn't been a problem yet that was worse for taking a walk to think about it. In general, there's just something about walking, whether it be the state of mind, the rhythm of your steps. . .your theory is as good as mine. . . .it's just that something about it unravels problems, gets people to talk about things that normally you wouldn't. It's therapy.

2)For the first time ever, let me officially thank whoever or whatever was responsible for the spring of hell. Seriously. I wasn't ready to really talk with Dave D. before any of this, and maybe he wasn't either. There used to be times I'd catch glimpses of this intriguing person with all these ideas and feelings I'd like to know, but I just couldn't access him. Couldn't get down to it. And maybe I was acting the same way. it's hard to say. But all the sudden, there you are. And it's a tremendous thing, to really see you, live and in person. And that's worth every bit of hell I went through.

Buffy Nite, and other goodly things

Well, I slept in nice and lots today, so I feel a bit refreshed and less depressed. I chalk alot of it up to not knowing how my schedule was going to fall into place, and therefore feeling every minute like I should be doing something constructive or who knows what. But I'm better now. The worst part sometimes about feeeling bad can be when you don't know just why. It's like scratching a spot on your skin but not seeing the splinter. You just can't feel better if you can't get at the cause. So now I feel a bit better. And I'm adjusting to life at Hiram. Although it's still odd walking around here. There are just too many memories. . .like the place has reached critical mass and it's dizzying just to mozy from Henry to Gerstacker.

Dave wishes for a "shut-up" button. And what do I want for christmas? Santa, I want a people avoidance machine. I could just program it so there were certain people I would never hear of or see again. But strangely, sometimes it seems that our paths are aligned.

Million dollar question for the day: Is it possible to be sexy in pants that keep falling down?
I have my beautiful bejeweled pants on, but dammit they keep falling down. It's probably because I don't believe in belts. I'm guessing with current fashion as it is, this is going to be a problem. I've got hips, and I thought they'd keep my pants on, but they too are failing me. So I've decided this all falls under Amber-charm. Because frankly I'm a bit of a clutz, I seem very naive (don't believe it for a second), and frankly sometimes I have poise but sometimes I'm just a geeky dork. Inspired by Alice, I will embrace my Amber-ness.
I wish Kat could embrace her Kat-ness. No one else could direct a play called "Vampire Lesbians of Sodom." SHE'S MY ROOMMATE!

I was rather dissapointed by "Witchblade" last night, maybe because I tried to watch it with Justin and Sean around, who can be rather critical and unappreciative of shows that are great because they are dumb. Swarthy man wasn't being half as goofy and ambiguous as usual, and this blonde chick was having gratuitous sex all over the place, and that's usually a fun thing but when you're the only one in the lounge watching it, it seems a little weird. Embrace the Amberness. But tonight, thank god, is Buffy, and a good repeat at that. "Entropy". This is where everything really starts to go to hell, and boy-o is it fun. Yay!

Back at Hiram, Don't Wanna Go To School

Well, I'm back. Back to school that is. You know, as far as I can remember, I was totally psyched to get back to Hiram every other year of my college education, but this year, not so much. It's not because of the people. I've been looking forward to smooching Dave D, and hanging out with the infamous Sam, walking past the Henry Lounge during Dragon Ball Z hour, when the lounge will be filled to capacity. The freshmen this year are actually cool, or at the very least quiet, and we've got alot of converts from other dorms moving into Henry as well. So as far as people go, I'm glad to see em'. Most of them. Those close to me will know what I'm saying.

Sometimes I'm just a bit bummed. Because there's so much I have to take care of this semester. . . what with Grad school and my senior APEX presentation. . . and PHYSICS. Why am I taking Calc based physics? What is my problem? Oh well. It just stresses me out. That, and I had forgotten how many lovely senior folks are gone. I keep walking down the stairwell and wanting to scurry into Sprite and Tom's room to bug them. But neither of them lives there anymore. I keep hoping to see my dear Alice walk into the lounge, but baby she's doesn't live here either! No more Phil Dove in my classes asking the important questions that we're all afraid to ask, no more Meghan ( I can't spell her name) in the bookstore to chat with, no more Melissa waiting in the science learning center to talk with while we wait for our AIBS meetings to start. I didn't realize how much I'd miss all of them, even the ones I only barely new. It's just all a bit sad. But I guess it was for them too, when they were seniors.

I just keep fluctuating between being so blissfully happy that my eyes tear up a bit, to being really rather bummed, but not horribly so. This morning was a good moment. Dave, Sam, and I were all hanging out together in the room, eating snacks, drinking soda, and waiting for it to be time to go to class. It reminded me of freshman year, when we all sortof shared a room together, and were so damn happy for awhile. I don't want to even think about how much I'm going to miss Sam.

Life isn't all that shabby, in fact, it's really good. And I'll adjust to the missing folks, and then we'll see how things are. In the meantime. . . BACK TO SCHOOL FOR ME.

Back to the Mainland

First off, I'M HOME!! Safe, sound, and with all my luggage.

The long flight from Honolulu to Chicago was approximately 7 hours and 20 minutes. This time around, I was seated next to a 3rd grader who was travelling alone en route to Minneapolis. From the moment I sat down we were chatting, whether I wanted to or not. He was a cute kid, very talkative and personable. Pretty much anything you wanted to know--and some things perhaps I didn't, he talked about. I wonder if he was lonely, travelling all by himself clutching his stuffed monkey and puppy. It was obvious he was very excited about the inflight movie: Spiderman. He kept asking me when the movie was coming on. When the plane took off, he said "Yeah the movie's going to come on now right!?" When they gave us our dry meager pretzels and complimentary drinks, he said "Do you think they'lll start the movie now?" He asked again after they wheeled our dinners out to us. And finally, and thank goodness, the movie came on, and he had to go to the bathroom.

When the movie came on, I thought I would have some peace, but alas this was not true. "LOOK THAT'S THE GREEN GOBLIN AND SPIDERMAN KILLS HIM!" he shouted in the opening scene with the evil businessman. At one point the lady in front me of turned around, smiled, and asked "do you have any benadryl?" No, there would be no drugging of my small friend this trip. After the movie finished, he drifted off to sleep and I found a head resting on my side. I guess this was my chance to give back, after having my own surrogate parents on the flight over to hawaii.

The rest of the flight went well, although I couldn't really sleep, my clock was one hour fast and when I arrived at Chicago I thought I had missed my flight for a little while, and the flight attendant on the flight to Pittsburg was extremely cranky sounding and had bad english that I couldn't understand extremely well.

Grandpa Garvin was waiting for me at baggage claim, and he drove me back home. He also made me breakfast, and remind me never to ask for my eggs runny again. . . the whites were not even completely cooked and that was pretty scary. But then I realized he eats his eggs this way every day, and it hasn't done him in yet . . .

West Virginia is very dry, but definitely so beautiful to come home to. I missed the smell of drying leaves and mowed lawns and the moonflowers opening at night. Liz has grown up so much, it's almost scary, but actually it's really nice. We can actually relate, and giggle, and chat together. And she baked banana bread. This could be good! We dressed up in hawaiian dresses and waited for mom and dad to get home. And when they did, we turned up the hawaiian music, and greeted them as they came in the house. Liz pretended to strum the ukelele I bought dad, and I gave them the lei's I had bought them, and all was happy.

I've spent the evening walking around the property with mom, and sitting on the porch to watch a gigantic orb weaver spin an even bigger web, and listening to dad play "Smoke on the Water" on his new ukelele. So life in West Virginia is good. I miss Oahu, yes, but it's just so good to be home.

The Big Gotta-Cover-Way-Too-Much-In-One-Entry Entry

Well, in approximately 4.5 hours I'll be on an American Airlines flight to Chicago O' Hare. This time, when a big trip is near at hand, is really my favorite time. It's unbearably exciting, because you just want to hurry up and find yourself past the checkout desk, and the checkpoints, and safe and unfettered in your seat. You want to be flying already!

Although no one believes me, there IS indeed a large swelll on the ocean today. I know there's supposed to be; I watched the news! I went out to take some last photos around the lab, and it's just the most perfect day to do it: the sun is shining bright, and so the water has turned all the fantastic shades I mentioned in my first hawaiian entry. And with the 3-5 foot swells going on, the surfers are out in full force--photo op's galore!

I should go corner Ned to talk to him, but he's extremely busy and I'm not sure what I would say to him. Maybe "hey, I'm leaving! Say something!" Oh well.

Last night Cheryl and I went to Waikiki! We went to Keo's for delicious delicious delicious Thai food. I've decided that Thai food is my supremely favorite food. We had tiger prawn wrapped up like spring rolls with a tangerine chile sauce---oh baby. And then I had a fantastic green curry with shrimp, scallops, mahi mahi, and calamari. I got carded for my drink--a "Keoni's Koolaid" which was midori and malibu (my favorite rum in all the world) mixed with pineapple juice and 7UP--but I'm legal, so no worries :) Everyone admires my shiny new West Virginia Driver's License. It all put a smile on my face. Good food has a way of doing that.

We then walked over to the Sheraton Moana Surfrider--the place with the beautiful lanai--and sat in the courtyard underneath a gigantic banyan tree, listening to hawaiian guitar music and watching a single hula dancer float, dip, and smile about the crowd. I got carded for my mai tai too. . . I guess I gotta get used to this! Two cute little old Japanese men asked for a picture with the dancer, and so she put her arm around one of them, and he promptly patted her bottom. We were shocked, and that beautiful smile froze hard on her face, but I'm guessing this happens all the time. But it's still sad that it does! Oh well, the music and the dancing continued, and the surf rumbled in the background. I was trying hard not to tear up, because man I get weepy all the time now. I can't explain the anxiety I have for leaving Hawaii. I know it's time to go. I want to go. But I want to stay too. I don't know just how the place got into my heart, but it did. It's the first place I've ever travelled to where it feels ok to smile. Ok to take it easy, and be happy--because everyone's happy too. It's a gentle, warm, wonderful place. And I'm going to miss it. That's just the only way to put it.

I stayed up late last night packing. And now I'm here, trying to decide if I should relax or do more last-minute things. There's also the traditional wondering if my plane will crash--please don't be disturbed. This happens to me EVERY time I fly, and it's not a fear thing. I'm not afraid of such things. But I always wonder. And I always try to have some message set aside in case that did happen. But nobody ever sees them. But I feel that while I am not afraid of a plane crashing, I am afraid of leaving the people I love sad, and not knowing how I feel. So I'll keep it simple. Even the people I hate, there is something I love about them. The people I know are wonderful people, whether they are just friends, or true loves, or family. I'm lucky to know any of you, and I'm superhumanly lucky to be close to some of you. I love you all soo much! And I can't wait to see you all again. Seriously. Ok, lovefest ended.

Wish me luck and good travels!

THE LAST HAWAIIAN WEEKEND

Every time someone mentions that I'm going home in a few days (as of today I have approximately 3 days left, I think), all I can say is "Yeah! Isn't it crazy?" And I get tired of hearing myself say it, but I can't seem to express it in any other terms. I've spent an entire summer here, two plus months, and all the sudden it's time to go home, and back to school. It's just crazy. But I know it's time to go home. I feel ready to do that, but at the same time a bit sad to be leaving. I know I'm going to get home, and think of all sorts of things I should have done, and my stomach will grumble for raw fish, and there will be nothing I can do about it. So what has been happeneing in the last handful of days?

Wednesday: it was rainy when I got up, and so we did not go to the Aloha Flea Market as planned. Instead I came in to work, eventually got to run away and play hooky I think. At the very least I walked to Subway and made friends with the little old lady who works there. She's a sandwhich artist and she likes my purse. So I consider us friends, of a sort. The day was rainy, cloudy, and utterly dark all day. It was like being back on the mainland!

Thursday was very uneventful. The weather continued to be rainy and dreary for awhile but soon showed signs of clearing. Kenneth bought all the undergrads bento boxed lunches--local food. Basically alot of white rice, with heaps of fried chicken with gravy, breaded shrimp, kim chee, and SPAM--all in their own individual corners of the plate. It was very filling, quite good, but definitely not good for you. Kenneth refused payment from all of us. And alas, there is no diet pepsi left in the machine, but Sam buys me a coke. I was so happy for the generosity.

Friday was the last day of work for undergrad workers Sam and Dana. Kenneth was very quiet--the workers usually do their work together, chatting and laughing as they go. It's going to be a little less cheerful with Kenneth doing all the work alone. The entire lab went back to The Legend for dim sum again. Oh baby, it's SO delicious. Especially the sesame buns, which are rolls filled with sweet bean paste and rolled in toasted sesame seeds. . .mmmmm! I also had some delicious taro shrimp, which was just grand and filling. Debbie brought little baby Keenan, and so we had endless entertainment. She's one of three post-doc's in the lab, and I found out she has also been a world-ranked competitive surfer. My lab rocks.

Once we got back to the lab, Cheryl drove me out to Ala Moana Shopping Centre. All the buses drive through this central point, and so I hopped a bus to Waikiki, because Dammit if I don't see the beaches of waikiki I'm pretty lame. It was very very very hot (the trade winds are still picking up from when they halted on Wednesday), and it took me a good long while to find a bathroom to switch into my bathing suit. I then decided to walk all the way down the strip of road lining the beaches, to see if I could see any neat hotels. The best two were the Royal Hawaiian and the Sheraton Moana Surfrider. The Sheraton had a big, beautiful lanai (porch) on the street side, lined with white rocking chairs. The Royal Hawaiian, being a big, pink building, tempted me with open hallways. . . so I decided to play guest and walk around the halls for a little bit. Mom and Dad said when they were in hawaii this was one of their favorite things to do. Nobody bugs you, and so for free you can wander around the lush gardens, the warm and decadent receiving rooms and lobby, and perhaps even jump in the pool. I didn't jump in the pool, since getting in trouble wouldn't really be so much fun. but i think I COULD have, if I had the guts!

After my hotel adventure, I bought some water and found a less-crowded spot on the beach to read and get more freckles. I've gotta say, Waikiki is filled with beautiful people, strutting their stuff and lazing about. And kajillions of japanese tourists, floating in their cartoonish inflatable beach toys. I've ALSO gotta say, it was nice to just lay down and read for awhile. I got to just relax and eavesdrop on folks around me and read about UFO/Psychic Phenomena. Out on the waves, folks were *trying* to learn to surf, and on the coast, a lady was calling her friend to let her know she may have lost their two girls. Altogether, very entertaining and relaxing for me. However, the beach I was on was entirely too crowded. Of all the things I've seen on Oahu, this wouldn't be very high on my list. But that's ok. It's free.

Rode the bus home again. Cheryl cooked fresh Au (marlin) fillets for dinner, and damn was that good. We had Ben and Jerry's "Phish Food" icecream for dessert, and with the "Law and Order: Criminal Intent-athon" going on tv, life was quite good. I fell asleep that night and dreamt I was being abducted with aliens and other general mind-fucking things that made me wake up very nervous and glad to see that Chery'ls dog Buddy had trotted into the kitchen and fell asleep by my air mattress. That's what I get for reading that crazy book!

And today was the flea market! It's basically stall upon stall of hawaiian stuff, chinese stuff, and generally cheap things. and it surrounds a stadium, looping sometimes in double-rows of stalls. It was overwhelming, and hot, and I spent alot of money there. And I could've spent more! But I got all my family's gifts INCLUDING a decent ukelele for 25 bucks! And so now I'm satiated, but sleepy, but still at work. BAH. Where am I going to pack all this stuff?!

The Last Bit of Calm Arrives

There is something wonderful to be said for walking around with your bathing suit on under your clothes. It gives you that feeling that it's not an ordinary day, and that you could just strip down and jump in the ocean at any time. If you haven't tried it, perhaps you wouldn't understand it so well. I had this afternoon slated as an afternoon off, so I was ready to go to the beach if the fancy struck me, but alas, the weather was overcast and "like walking through a jacuzzi," to quote Cheryl. Indeed, when I stepped out for the fun of my choice, the weather muffled all around me. But I like jacuzzi's, and the sun is not my friend, so it was all a good situation.

Perhaps some people would feel that I should be out seeing all the island has to offer--that "You should" voice in my head would certainly agree. But man, I just need to relax. I worked through the weekend, and worked waaaaay too hard on Monday. I was making great progress and doing well, so I think I was on some sort of multi-tasking high. But I came down hard on Monday, and by the end of the day, when I forgot to load one important sample on to a gel in its proper place, I was very much ready to cry, alot. Athletes know that you've got to rest your muscles at some point, and students should respect their brains and give them breaks too. I just needed a break, and some alone time to unwind. Thankfully, I felt much better after a hot shower and a good night's sleep, and after wandering around the shops of Ward Centre, blowing all my money at Borders on Hayseed Dixie's "Tribute to Mountain Love" (rocks songs like "walk this way" done bluegrass style), "Facing Future" by Brother IZ (a deceased hawaiian musician who did the "somewhere over the rainbow" song that's been on Finding Forrester, and ER, and a billion other places), and a book called "Obake Files" which is a big heapin' bunch of hawaiin ghost stories and supernatural happenings. I wish I would have bought it earlier, but heck, it's never too late. Went to Ross and tried on the perfect pair of jeans. . . but had no money to buy them so I hid them in the 7/8 size section, hoping the smaller ladies would not be interested in them and leave them be till I return with fistfuls of cash.

Work is starting to wind down. I've stopped work on my marker exchange project for my potential threonine auxotroph, and it looks like we won't be doing a regression analysis with the baby squiddies just yet. So for now it's basically one project, and then tying up all the loose ends. I've gotta talk with Ned at least one more time, so I can get pretty pictures for my APEX presentation and also ask about good grad school programs--and hope he offers work in his lab. It IS like dating, trying to bait someone into saying they like you. Craziness.

Finally, my family has sent in requests for what presents they want. Mom want's earrings that scream hawaii, Liz hasn't responded yet, but she's a 13 year old girl and I think I can find her something she'd like. Don want's a "cool hawaiian looking necklace"--I can't recall Don ever owning or wanting any sort of adornment, so this IS interesting (he goes to college on Friday btw. . .MY BABY BROTHER AT West Virginia University!?). Dad want's a ukelele. I hope I can find one cheap, but I'll still try my darndest to bring one home for em'. Evening jam sessions on the back porch just wouldn't be the same. . .

Tomorrow I go to the Aloha Flea Market!!!!! If I'm lucky, I'll find all my presents for the family there!

Take The Princess Quiz by Azure Eyes

You are The Princess of Quite a Bit

Your kingdom is comprised of modest crafts and tradesmen.
Though your title of Princess is mostly honourary, you still manage to take advantage of the freedom and privileges your sovereignity provides.
You have time to enjoy the finer things in life, but keep your indulgences to a minimal level, beleiving that one should waste not, want not.
You never forget your prestigieous heritage, but you prefer to mingle with the commoners, relishing in the special freedoms they have.
Your life revolves around tradition and celebration, spending those times with the ones you love.
Level-headed and considerate, you are well liked by all your subjects.
Your crown is a thin band of jewels.
Your throne is a simple chair that sits beside your mother’s throne.

Yeah, that's right! I'm a princess too! :)

It's not the height, it's the. . .

Goodness! what a weekend! It occurs to me that nothing much happened on Friday, except that Cheryl and I went out for Thai food, and it was decent. But the noodles were gigantic and flat, and usually this has not been the case, so I was rather suprised and not in a good way.

Saturday was a big heaping helping of activity. Cheryl and I slept in, although I slept in more I think. Then it was off to work. I keep swearing I'll take days off, but I seem to have some addiction to the satisfaction that comes with getting work done, mixed with a latent fear that I'm being lazy. I think there are many words for this condition, but I'm betting "workaholic" will do. So in to lab we went, to work for awhile. Then, for recreation, we picked up Cheryl's dog Buddy and went for a hike. For those of you who went to Malaysia with me, think of a miniature--but stil ass kicking--hike up to Base Camp at Mt. Kinabalu. Seriously. It was a five mile hike, which wouldn't be so bad if it weren't for the humidity. You'd be suprised how much it slows you down, how tired you get just because you're steaming. The first portion is basically backtracking up the side of a hill--not too taxing. But already by this point my shoes were angering my heels. . . and Buddy--extremely cute in his black fur and red saddle bags (to carry his supply of water) was panting and foaming.

The second portion of the trail was a more vertical climb, although alot cooler than the first half. We walked through groves of ironwood and then Cook Island pine--pine needles make traction difficult though. I can't accurately describe the flora and fauna, because frankly by this point I was getting tired and my mind was moving into the trance-like state that allows you to keep moving even if your body is complaining. The summit, when we reached it, was definitely a worthwhile goal. From the top of the ridge we could see a good portion of the southern coast of Oahu. The sandbar where we harvest squid, Diamond Head, and the lettuce farm where they grow Cheryl's favorite salad greens, "Nalo Greens." It was cool and windy and totally worth it. And going back down was great fun, because you can move much more quickly, and actually enjoy all the scenery. I was suprised just how much I had hiked. Thanks brain, for not letting me get discouraged.

Sweaty and tired, we headed back to lab for more work, then home for leftovers from Friday, and then out squidding. I only managed to spot two squid, and also a neat orange and white fish. . . but we're not catching fish, so that was rather irrelevant to anyone but me ;) Cheryl, on the other hand, was on fire, catching squid upon squid--she even caught a pair in mid-mating. I try not to imagine what it must have been like for the ill-fated squids in love. Then again, many of the squid we catch become breeders. They get all the shrimp they can eat, no predators, and sex for as long as they live. Not too shabby.

With our bounty of squid, we returned to the car, got all the buckets, nets, and flashlights stowed away, and sat down to leave. . . . but the car wouldn't start. And by some twist of fate Cheryl had not brought her cell phone with her, and I had left all my change at home. Frankly, I'd rather not go into detail about the whole ordeal, but I should at least note it. We had to walk twice to the gas station--once to use Cheryl's last bit of change, and then again to use her credit card to make a call. Eventually, help arrived, we got to lab, got the squid settled in their tanks, got home, each took showers, and at around 1:30PM went to bed, only to get up at 7:30 or so to go have breakfast with Art and Anne and Sean.

And now I'm back at lab working again.

Aloha, Manoa

Tuesday evening I met the man of the house, Art. As I have mentioned before he sounded like a cool guy. And maybe he actually is, but I just wasnt' feeling especially social. I need time to decompress after working in the lab, and that's "me time" not "let's get to know you!" time. But I can see why he and Carl get along. They are both rather opinonated, and I sense more than a bit of judgementalness in them. We watched a special on crop circles, and they had someone talking about psychic phenomena of some sort. Art laughed, "where do they get these people? It's so stupid!"

I don't know, that just hit me wrong. I guess I'll never know how he became a Samoan chief. . . but frankly there are bigger mysteries in life.

Wednesday was a normal day, as far as I can tell. I took many pictures of princess, and some of the house. It was my last day riding the #6 bus in from Manoa to work, and it was a delayed trip. After getting a man in a wheelchair on the bus, the loading dock malfunctioned, and the driver could not raise the platform to help the man back off at his stop. So we waited for awhile, and then we were told that it could be a long wait, so I hopped off and started walking baby! Eventually i made it into work, did some tasks, and then walked to the bus stop to ride the bus home to Manoa for the last time. I decided to first stop at Ross and buy more clothes (I can't help myself) because their jackets are ridiculously low-priced since no one in hawaii needs them. So now I have a dark red pleathery coat, and a faded jean jacket with pretty bell sleeves. Even more clothes I don't have room in my suitcase for.

I went back out to the bus stop, sat down, and saw my very first complete rainbow. It stretched from the Manoa Valley out to the coast, perfect, just like the million drawings you see of rainbows all your life. A perfect arch. So I stared up at that for awhile, smiling like a goof. Seemed like most people didn't notice, but maybe it's a common sight here. When I looked back down there was a VERY old man riding one of those reclining bikes. The bike had tall emergency orange flags waving from its back. The man peddled very slowly with his matchstick legs directly through traffic--and completely left of center. He was slow enough that most people just avoided him, but he was headed for a head-on collision with a minivan. The van didn't swerve, it just slowed down, more and more. But the bicycle man was constant. His face, weather beaten and pinched, did not show any expression but grim determination. Eventually the van turned and avoided him. In this 2mph game of chicken, the old man had indeed won. He continued down Ward Avenue, peddling into the sunset.

Eventually I got home. I tried to pack, but was feeling very tired and slightly nauseous. .. I still don't know why. Maybe my body was trying to prevent me from leaving my little patch of paradise. Who knows? Eventually I got mostly packed, slept till morning, and woke up to finish my packing and wait for Cheryl to come pick me up. As I folded some still-warm towels, Princess hopped up onto them. It reminded me of my cat Snow, who seemed to know if you were reading and would instantly hop on top of your book--siamese cats want attention. I continued to fold her into the blue towel, and she purred inside her new nest. Soon enough, Cheryl was there, and I hauled my things into the car and was driving away from Manoa. I'm very sad to leave it behind. I'll miss all the evening rain showers, and the quiet walks home from work, and always feeling safe and welcome. And I'm really going to miss that vocal little feline Princess Prettypaws, they way she curls up in your lap like it's the only place she'd ever want to be. I was so thankful to have someone to come home to. It was a wonderful opportunity, and I'm glad I got to have it, for as long as it lasted.

So where to now? I'm staying in Cheryl's apartment, and thank goodness for her generosity!

Even Superman once worked in a team

Take the Cartoon Hero Quiz?.

Well now that's done and I'm glad it's over

Somehow I'm reminded my title may be a direct quotation from T.S. Elliot's "The Wasteland"--which I obnoxiously did a report on specifically because my highschool English Lit. AP teacher said if anyone wanted a "real challenge" they would do it. I'm a dork, thank you :)

So I spent all day Monday being anxious, drank waaaay too much diet pepsi and ate too much chocolate. Eventually it was presentation time, and it was very informal and I think I did a decent job. My two greatest feats were giving everyone outlines of my project--I am excellent at visual and written materials I'm finding--and I brought Peppridge Farm cookies. The latter may not seem very impressive, but Ned soon confessed that during one of his post-doc jobs he used to go to the corner store every day and buy mint chocolate milanos and and a quarter gallon of milk--it was his daily vice. And these just happened to be the cookies I bought. They were on sale at Safeway. Life is weird, and so is my brain. I felt like I wasn't being very intelligent throughout the presentation, and Cheryl--who gets a bit protective--interjected rather often with the information I didn't know. I was concerned I would look like I didn't know much at all. Is this the case? I don't know. I'm NOT going to worry about it, because I have had tremendous luck with my project, and I've gotten alot of work done (especially since I came in every weekend) so screw being insecure about how I talked. BAH.

Super-cool grad student Jess was leaving for a tour of the mainland with her boyfriend. Because they so rarely can afford to be over there, they try to pack several destinations into one vacation. I was plating colonies when she left, and she gave he a hug and a kiss. I'm going to miss her I think. She was only a couple of years older than I am.

I eventually went home, and went to Safeway to treat myself for all I'd been through. I bought myself a issue of Cosmo just because it had Sarah Michelle Gellar on the front, tako poke and korean shrimp poke (I think tako may be octopus, and it was pretty good!), and some little sushi rolls with pickled radishes in them. So it was a veritable feast at the Manoa Manor, my food laid out before me and my chopsticks in hand. I watched Witchblade and was once again greatly entertained by Mr. Swarthy Man who speaks only in silly cryptic messages. I think it's becoming the main reason I watch the show, because the plot isn't that exciting. But Swarthy men, that's a start. And then to make one act all dramatic and brooding and put him all in black and make him act like some sort of pirate/dork is just too much fun. I still don't understand why he has a chain on his wallet--it's an incongruity--and that makes me laugh too. So enough about Witchblade. The best part of the evening was watching an old episode of GI Joe where Shipwreck wakes up with this whole new life and he thinks he's just got amnesia, but then all the people begin melting and he realizes Cobra Command has fucked with his head. . . it's a really trippy episode that I still remember seeing for the first time many many years ago. GI Joe was quite a cartoon.

I was damn damn tired, coming down off my various highs from caffeine, chocolate, and adrenaline. So I eventualy went to sleep, and slept in. In the morning I cleaned up everything I could, because Art (man of the house) is coming home today, and I wanted things to look as presentable as possible despite the fact the construction workers cut a whole in their floor and tore out an entire closet. Eh, it's worth a shot.

My way into work was quite productive, as I FINALLY got a bus pass for August--I have to get off the bus earlier than my usual stop to pick one up at the 711, and last time they were completely out. Then I bought myself a Jamba Juice to sip happily and marvel at how fantastic a food item smoothies can be. Then I went to Ross (one of those discount clothing stores) and just went wild. You have to treat yourself when you work hard, you know? So I bought pants that make me happy, because I tend not to buy enough pants I think. So now I have crazy giraffe print pants that I may never wear but still love, a black mini belted with a leather fringe on the side, and great black pants that are plaid pants ala 80's--they are black with thin blue and green lines. Then I went back to the racks and bought shirts shirts shirts, realizing that indeed the 80's had returned. I had to keep myself from buying too many black lacy tops--I mean, how many do I actually need, really? I always have to be careful about black clothing, because I have a tendency to buy lots of it and I'm not goth, so I guess I'd be an imposter of sorts. and MAN, I dont' want that. So, I'm lugging a big bag of clothing around now :) I have no idea where it will fit in my suitcase.

Tonight I'm supposed to go to Waikiki with Dana, Sam, and Kenneth (the undergrad crew), although I don't know what we're planning on doing. Originally we were going to go paint pottery, but to quote Kenneth: "That just isn't my scene" and I don't want to exclude people. So who knows what will be? And also tonight I should meet Art, who is an ethnobotanist. As if that wasn't neat enough, Cheryl tells me he's also a Samoan Chief. . . .I dont' know the story behind that. So all this time I've been watching over the house of a Samoan Chief. . . .man.

I try to avoid freaking out

Yeah, I try, but despite the fact I'm pretty darn good at public speaking, I still have some anxiety about it. I have to give a short talk on Monday about what I've done in the lab this summer. I don't think it's possible for it to be less scary--unless they let me just write a report and hand it to everyone. There will be one grad student, two post docs, and Ned head of the lab. Four people, and altogether nice ones at that. I just don't like having a deadline in front of me. I guess I'm still sensitive to stressing out.

What's really crazy is how little time I have left here. This time next week it will be the 11th. A week from that will be the 18, and two days from that I'll be on a plane and headed home. so I've got two weeks and two days left here. Sure, still plenty of time to see some sights--but I have trouble letting myself take days off, and that will be necessary to do this. Bah, after tomorrow I'll feel better. I leave my idyllic home in Manoa this Thursday. From then on I'll be staying with Cheryl in her apartment.

I'm trying to think of the things I still want to do and see. . . .I want to go to Hanauma bay again for more snorkelling. I definitely want to go to the swap meet and buy a million different hokey things to take home. I should probably go see Pearl Harbor, as my Navy Officer Uncle Mike told me I should. I should visit the creepy Chinese cemetary in Manoa--during the day. I should eat shave ice, see the beaches of Waikiki, walk to the top of Diamond Head. Have my sunset cocktail somewhere beautiful where I can see the sun set on the ocean. As you can see, there are alot of "should"'s in this list. I feel obligated, and perhaps when I leave I'll be really peeved at myself for being lazy and not going.

Well, send your good vibes my way, so my talk will go well, I'll impress the hell out of everyone and then they'll offer me money and grad school opportunities. And hopefully your good vibes will help me remember to bring cookies.

On squishing squid and dancing the night away

I was reminded yesterday just why I prefer working with microbes and NOT macroscopic life-forms. I mentioned before having to chase baby squid around with a pippette. Well, those squid, once caught, were destined for DEATH. After exposing them to mutant bacteria, I knew I had to put them to sleep, because inevitably I would have to grind them up to get the bacteria that had colonized them. I had to place them in plastic tubes, suck all the water out around them, and then put them on ice. Now, I know what you're thinking. . . Amber, they're SQUID for goodness sake, who cares? I know, they aren't cuddly or warm or fuzzy. But they are BABY squid, and they are undeniably cute, with their big heads and eyes as they flutter about on their tiny winglike fins. . . *sigh*. .. .they are just squid. But they look so confused when I drain all the water around them. They do little pushups on the bottom of the tube, flattened and gasping for water. And then they go on ice, where I like to imagine they simply fall asleep and never wake up.

I kill bacteria every single day, and think nothing of it.

Well, Friday Night was slated to be a night out at "The W," a beautiful club that Jess recommended we head to. I had to rush home after work to get prettified, and then hop into the car with Jess to go pick up Cheryl. They spent lots of time telling eachother how pretty their outfits looked, but not really saying much about me. I figure, I'm youngest and I don't need encouragment. The three of us arrive at The W just in time to slip under the velvet rope before the cover fee was applied--anyone in before nine is neither carded nor charged apparently. It was a sumptuously decorated place, lit by candles and furnished comfortably. Dance music purred and pounded in the background. We scurried upstairs to the bar to get our first drinks of the night. Jess was paying. She ordered water for herself, a margarita for Cheryl, and a Pina Colada for me. It was then that I noticed that our bartender was almost a direct clone of Hiram's own Jason, complete with curly blond hair. After hearing our orders, he laid his head on the bar and did not move it. We asked why and he told us "because. . .now I have to get the blender out." Apparently that was going to take alot out of him, but immediately he reanimated and went to work, the dramatic maneuver completed. Jess made sure to mention I had just turned 21, and he claimed to have already known this, since I ordered a pina colada. I don't know, I think there will never be a day I wouldn't want to order one. He howled a "woohoo!" when I told him I was from West Virginia, and I began to wonder if all bartenders would be like this.

It took a LONG time for the club to warm up. The people watching was superb, as there wasn't one unattractive person in the entire place. There was a black man in a complety white suit, effortlessly cool. There were tall blondes and flocks of asians, substantial bouncers patrolling, fake breasts covered by one button alone of a tailored shirt, martini's held delicately and travelling about the room. People were certainly dressed to impress, and we had great fun pointing out the best outfits.

Cheryl and Jess urged me to get my second drink, however I am stilly currently overwhelmed with all the options I now have. I'm used to being quite happy with a Dr. Pepper and Malibu Rum. The girls recommended a Midori Sour, and I figured, what the heck. I grabbed Jason-clone's attention, and told him what my friends said I should get. He asked me what I'd had to drink before, and suddenly he was my personal bar physician. Midori + rum was no good. What I wanted, apparently, was vodka and cranberry juice. You know, I've always gotten type-casted as innocent and goofy. I've always wanted to be experienced and cool. But that night I realized that there was alot to be said for appearing wide-eyed and funny. I got my drink consultation, and my drink, and went back to Cheryl and Jess.

And still nobody was dancing. I occasionly caught myself swaying or wiggling a little, because the music was very nice and groovy. And the crowd began to swell in size, and you could tell people WANTED to dance, but no one wanted to try and start the crowd, and fail. Then a big guy with sunglasses came in, lugging padded drums. The bongos were soon revealed, tuned, and the beat began to bounce out--and folks just could help but start dancing. It's a rather spontaneous miracle to me, that sudden transition from people standing around to people grooving together. And with vodka and rum smoothly running through my veins, I just danced. I've lectured several people on the principles of truly good dancing. It's not about looking cool, it's not about complex steps. It's about doing what feels good. I find it most rewarding, and frankly, I'm white. There's always going to be plenty of people out there with more style and groove than I have. So I'm dancing to have a good time, dammit. Besides, if you look like you're having a good time, trust me, you look pretty good.

It was great fun, but all too soon it was time to go home. And so I drank more water, and went to sleep. And today I'm at work, again, because I'm crazy. And today my dead squid had to be squished up. Such is the life of a microbiologist.

The entire epic story of my birthday

Whew, it's 8PM abouts here, I'm doing a squid colonization experiment which currently requires me to go down to the hatchery every 20 minutes and chase squid the size of a typed letter E around tanks with a pipet. What could possibly be more fun?

So, I have e-mailed my mom an account of my birthday, and to save myself the sanity-comprimising effort of retyping it, I'm pasting it in here. But because I have had much time to reflect on it all, I will edit it before you see it. So you should still feel special, you strange wonderful people who might read my journal despite the hulking size of every entry.

Here is my birthday in full:

I dreamt that I was back in band at JM and everyone cheered for me turning 21. I woke up to Princess's yowling and purrs, so I took that as "happy birthday! wake up and turn off the alarm for goodness sake!!" I made breakfast and Dave D. called to wish me a happy birthday. I eventually got on the bus and stopped at Ross to buy a pretty pair of jeans I had tried on the day before. The trade winds have stopped here for the last couple of days, so the walk to work was steamy indeed. But when I got to work, albeit late, everyone wished me a happy birthday. Kenneth, one of the undergrad workers, gave me a shot glass with a big rainbow and "HAWAII" on it in rainbow letters--he is very jealous that I am old enough to drink and he isn't (I am the oldest undergrad in the lab). Jess, one of the grad students, brought me a lei with what I believe are called conch flowers--they are white and look like little teeth. Dana, another undergrad worker, brought me a hello kitty bag which was exceedingly cute and well-wrapped, and got all 3 of the workers to sign a card for me. It is sitting on my lab bench with your card Mom, (and I did get the money, along with cards from Bob and Barb, Aunt Sue and Uncle Mike, and Grandpa Garvin--I will be sending out thankyou postcards this week!).

Cheryl, after deducing that I did not care much for frosting, made me a pineapple upside-down cake with local pineapples. She was very critical of it and thought it was a hideous cake, but we all tried to assure her it was delicious--which it was! I did a little work, and then I chatted online and Dave asked if he could call again at lab, so we chatted like highschool kids for awhile, and eventually I discovered that one of my professors at Hiram, Greg Szulgit, was actually in grad school with one of the post-docs here! small world eh?

And before I knew it, it was time to head to Paradise Cove, through monstrous traffic, for my birthday luau. I can now say officially that I have been to a luau! It was a gigantic event with several tourbuses! We were welcomed with big punchbowls filled with yellow alcoholic beverages and red non-alcoholic beverages. I got carded of course--Cheryl did not. I proceeded perhaps unnecessarily to explain why my license says "Under 21" and yet was now 21. Frankly, I used every opportunity to let people know it was my birthday; you only turn 21 once!

There were lots of crafts and games and shopping available before the actual luau. Cheryl and I made flower bracelets and watched a guy climb a coconut palm. I got a lava flow to start off with--a pina colada mixed with strawberries, complete with umbrella!--and we just wandered around, pointing out the families and couples in matching "Aloha wear" (aka matching hawaiian print dresses and shirts).

altogether, the event was full of great cheesy, tongue-in-cheek humor. They made the tourists do silly dances in grass skirts. Most people, aside from the parents who wouldn't drink in front of their kids, were slightly boozed and therefore happy and friendly. It was just plain fun. The dinner itself was very tasty, and on Cheryl's recommendation I put the poi (a starchy goo made from taro root) and pork together and found it very palatable; poi by itself is not a good idea. I had a mai tai and watched the show with all the dancers dancing in requisite shiny costumes. On orders from Cheryl, I walked to the bar with my last drink cupon and asked to buy one of the souveneir "paradise cove" drinking glasses. The bartender was a nice, older lady with greying hair, but she looked fiesty--which I guess you'd have to be to be a bartender. "We fill the glass with any drink you want!" she said. So I told her I wanted a Blue Hawaiian, and to make it strong because it was my birthday!

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY. . " she began singing, attracting the attention of several of the workers nearby. "How old are you?" the bartender asked.

"I bet she's 20!" said a girl nearby, getting a good laugh from the idea. I announced that I was in fact 21and proudly showed off my handstamp. One of the food service guys came over and asked where I from, and I explained that I was working at Kewalo Marine Lab for the summer.

"Oh, so you're one of those smart people!" he grinned. I agreed, but told him I probably wouldn't be as smart as usual tomorrow. "You're still walking! Man, that's you're fault! If it was my 21st birthday I'd be dumb as a doornail"

Indeed, perhaps I wasn't getting especially "wasted" as is typical for a 21st birthday. But of course after my gigantic blue hawaii, complete with two straws, pineapple slice and TWO umbrellas, I was in my own sort of swooping mellow state. The band played the Hawaiin Wedding Song and I got sufficiently misty-eyed watching a father dance with his baby, and the mother walking slowly up and joining them, swaying together in a group hug. There were couples everywhere dancing slowly, and that was a bittersweet moment indeed. I finished my drink, and with three umbrellas in my hair like a tropical indian brave, walked carefully with Cheryl to the car. I got home, fell asleep, woke up at 2AM and drank a big glass of water, and slept till morning!

I was the first person to show up for lab today. I got here and found the place deserted. What is wrong with this picture? Oh well, I'm glad that I avoided hangover land, and had a very productive day with only two oversights which don't mean that much in the grand scheme of things. So now I'm 21, the hooopla is over with, and it's just me again. Isn't this how birthdays always are? So exciting until they're over with, and then, hey, life goes on, with one more year than the days before to show for it.