The strange but wonderful friday

Mom and I braved the "Black Friday" shopping crowds. We didn't get much accomplished, however we did eat a delicious lunch and had another one of our profound conversations. I wanted to share the lesson I'd learned about loving someone long-term. You see, I used to think that if someone was really and truly meant to be your "one true love" you would have eyes only for them. They would sate your interest. You'd never look elsewhere. . . .

Does anyone else realize how impossible this is? What I mean to say is, in life, you will likely be attracted to many people--even when you yourself are in love with one person. Thjs is a difficult lesson to learn, and also the lesson that dating anyone short term will be exciting, but after the excitement wears off, they usually can't surpass the one you truly love. I don't know if I've expressed this well--I'm still a little woozy (from the booze-y).

Jonah flaked out on me. The how's and why's I do not know, suffice to say we'd agreed to leave my house at 4:30, and at 4:30 he was calling me from Elm Grove (about ten mintues away) saying he was on his way to Pittsburgh. So, no concert for me. I wasn't really that dissapointed. Mom said "You know, you probably weren't meant to go to that concert."

Yep, probably!

So instead I went straight to the Mario Kart drinking party, were much to my delight Coconut Rum awaited. Bless you Dave K. and Justin B.! I had a WONDERFUL time. Lots of folks I haven't seen in a long time showed up, and I got to find out what they were doing. Jonah never made it to the party--he was stuck in Pittsburgh because someone's vehicle got impounded? All I could think is: thank god I didn't go. Life can be quite funny at times.

Wow, I thought I had alot of profound stuff to write about, but I think I'd rather go to bed :)

Last thing: Drinking can be a very thought-provoking experience. I know I spend all this time focusing on body, trying to gauge my reaction to alcohol, making sure I'm not going to puke or trip. Thoughts are directed inward. Also, it can teach you to listen to your thoughts and sift out what you really want to do from what drunk-you wants to do. I never realized this till today. Woo!

SLEEEEEEP

Suddenly I have a social life!

Thanksgiving was pretty nice for the Pollack Clan. It was just the five of us, plus my Grandpa Garvin. As usual, Mom went over really early and did all the work and then called after we woke up to say "I've been doing this all by myself, why aren't you up already?" sort of stuff. Bah. Thankfully it was all very low stress. We ate dinner happily and casually, and the same with seconds and other helpings. I got to watch a dog show, and also the Drum and Bugle Core Championships--which rock hardcore. We stared in awe at Grandpa's gigantic TV and watched "The Wizard of Oz" in all it's gigantic, beautiful colorfulness. The whole time I was thinking, damn, when are we going home? I was told some of the highschool crew would be gettnig together tonight, and here I am doing cross stitch and watching the wizard of Oz?

We finally got home, and there was a message from Dave K. on the answering machine. Turns out he had just called, and I hadn't missed a thing. WOOO! I exclaimed "I'M GETTING OUT OF HERE!"

And so I did. It was indeed a very informal evening, mainly involving the usual driving around to pass the time. The highlight of the evening was perhaps when Jonah bought a 25 cent packet of saurkraut at the Speedway. Or perhaps when Dave K. stole the fire lighter from Jonah's house and used it for entertainment and defense in the car. Or perhaps our recovery of a road cone, which we put in Jonah's shower and took pictures of. ANYWAY, it was good fun. I was hoping to booze up a little, but I'll get my wish soon, as Dave K. has challenged Steph to a game of drunken Mario Kart racing. So there will apparently be a shindig going down Friday night. Also, Jonah invited me to come to a concert that evening, which will be:

1)My first real concert EVER
2)Involve the performance of the remaining members of the Grateful Dead
3)Hopefully ending in time to get back for the Drunken Mario Kart Debacle.

Of course, I'm supposed to wake up at some ungodly hour on Friday morning to go shopping with Mom. Gotta be back by 4:30 to hitch a ride with Jonah. Go to conert, go to party, go to sleep. Saturday I get my hairdo re-cut in the morning, and then in the afternoon to evening I'm going to hang out with the great Chris, and we will watch all six episodes of Buffy I have on tape, and hopefully procure DiCarlo's pizza for it. I guess I need to pack for Hiram somewhere in there. . .

So suddenly, from nothing to do and nowhere to go, I have a full schedule. I'm glad, and I hope it's all fun.

Hello good times, here I am. . .

welcome home your baby lamb!
Open wide them' golden doors and set my chair down next to yours!

Nothing is more frustrating than doing things that should be garaunteed to make you happy, but don't. I had tried everything. . . lots of sleep (try fifteen hours at a clip), lots of food, lots of do-nothing but cross-stitch or read "Black Hawk Down" time--and still I felt like total crap. I wasn't even excited by the prospect of shopping AND a muppets christmas special on Friday. And as you may have noticed, it frustrated the hell out of me.

I guess the rest of me came back from vacation, or else perhaps getting back to taking a vitamin with dinner did wonders. . . . what I mean to say is. . . WOOO!! Or rather, sort of woo. No need to get manic after being depressive ;)

Today was the big moving day for my Aunt Sylvia, who is leaving Chicago for Florida. To empty out the house, she was sending a truckload of stuff to the house, including a 60" projection screen TV. Holy shit, I have NEVER seen such a big TV. But it is important to mention that all the kids had to be over at the house at 8AM to "help out"--I'm sure you can imagine how thrilled we all were to be up at 7:30AM on a holiday break. When we got there, Grandpa was frantic, but the movers had everything under control. After they left, we fell upon the boxes like they were spoils of war. Found all sorts of good stuff, like. .A FAX MACHINE in a dresser drawer, Motorola stock in a coat pocket, and of course the massive 6-speaker surround sound system that came with the TV.

"If one of these speakers blows, we'll have to sell the car to replace it" said Dad. Apparently these were a very expensive brand of speakers from Switzerland or something--the kind of thing someone who has plenty of money to blow buys. This is how the other half lives--just giving away a set of speakers that probably cost more than our car, several times over. Grandpa was VERY excited, and so am I. .. I can't wait to hear how they sound (I'm a speaker buff, and it is one of my goals in life to own surround-sound speakers).

I got to sit down with Grandpa and apologize for forgetting to tell him I got engaged. He doesn't have e-mail, and I am an airhead at times. Blame it on whichever side of the family you like. Talking to grandpa is like swimming through a sea of miscellaneous information to reach various islands of pertinent information. We started talking about Dave, and careers, and from there he began talking about his education in the Air force during WWII and then all the different folks in his squad, and then about guys who didn't care for their athlete's foot and left trails of bloody footprints all over the barracks, and then to the fact that all rich guys and black guys in his squad had syphillus. And that is just one, very abridged version of a typical conversation with Grandpa. He also tells me I'll graduate from Stanford and be asked to join the White House staff, and I'll be running for Vice President in a couple years.

Well, it's good that he let me know :)

Ok, off to play house with all the family gone! and maybe make dinner!

Fed Up

You know what? being depressed is lame. It isn't cool. It isn't fashionable or tragic in any way. Nothing is lamer than not being able to get excited about anything, except perhaps how much I despise admitting to being in such a state. it's just fucking lame. I could just say nothing about any of this, but that would suck too. BAH. I like getting excited about things. I like feeling happy, proud, and satiated. Who doesn't?

You know what else is lame? Mistaking diplomacy for cowardice. This isn't aimed at anyone in particular. The fact is, I look at my situation, and whether or not confronting something would improve my situation. If bitching out someone would genuinely make my life better, well then I'd do it. But I'm not looking for admiration, hoping someone will see how patient I am and reward me. I just think life is too short to start shit about stupid things, then have to deal with the attentions of stupid people.

Right now, I'd like nothing better than to just feel like I got a good night's rest. Like all my work was done and I was completely happy with how I looked and acted. I am very very thankful for all the wonderful things I have in my life, for how well thigns have turned out--better than I thought they would. Now if this headache would go away.

I saw Elvis picking out lettuce yesterday at Jebbia's Market. Turns out he actually was an Elvis impersonator. What are the odds of that?

I can't believe how little I want for christmas this year.

LOBSTER FEST

Well, made it home safely, otherwise this would be a pretty creepy post wouldn't it?

Got to sleep in on a sunday, which was pretty nice. I went to sleep early last night. I would have made it even earlier, but I forced myself to take a shower so I didn't go to bed at like, 8:30PM. I was so tired, and still am. I don't really get this.

The big event for the Pollack family on sunday? Lobsterfest. This basically involved 30 or so friends of mom and dad getting together at a cabin on Oglebay Park for lobsters shipped in live. We left the house on time, but had to stop at K-rogers for cilantro for dad's salsa. Liz and I stayed in the van, and I think the much-despised once-dated Scott was lo and behold parked right in front of us. Small world. Didn't say anything to him. He sucks.

I digress. We arrived at the cabin earlier than everyone else, so it was nice and quiet at first. I got a chance to show my ring to all of mom's overjoyed friends, and I felt happy. Then came the long wait for dinner, as friends poured in, and I--more and more--didn't feel like having lobster. I've got to admit, despite what should be a favorite food of mine (what with my love of shrimp and crab-cakes and most things sea-foody). . . .I don't like lobster. I think it's too much damn work for something that tastes too sweet. That, and despite trying to be all tough, I still feel really bad for the lobsters. A couple of the guys took out some live ones to try and race them on the rug--and it just made me feel horrible. Not only are we going to boil these guys alive. . .now they have to race for our pleasure? I just imagine how I would feel if I was one of them, and that's enough for me.

Anyway, my mood steadily declined from good to non-existent. I got told twice I had my ring on the wrong finger--i could have sworn Dave's mom said it belonged on the right hand, but maybe I was mistaken. Oh well. I like it on the right hand, and if I have to put it on the left I'll probably want to get it re-sized to smaller, as that knuckle is smaller. . damn. I just sat there, eating snacks and wishing it was time to go home yet.

My lobster was gross. I wanted to just eat my corn and roll and salad and be done, but I felt bad to waste a lobster, so I ate it anyway. More sitting around, more being bored. Finally, Mom, Dad, and Warren came over to chat, and it was about interesting things. It was in part the fifth time I had to explain my plans for grad school, but Warren asked more interesting questions, and I felt better after getting excited about prospects post-graduation. In fact, I felt fantastic after that. I noticed my pal Nick sitting all alone in the corner--he HAD been bustling about the kitchen all evening, so I decided to go find out what he was up to. He was staring off into space, expressionless.

"Amber, I am . . . SO drunk right now. And all I have to do is go home, gather up some warm clothes, and go to bed"

It looked like he'd been doing shots with the adults--a spectacle we both agreed was pretty neat. "we have really cool parents, you know?" he said. It's true. We're finally old enough to be allowed to see our parents drink heavily. And believe me, they do. not my parents really, but they all drink at least a bit, get smoochy and happy, and usually cut themselves off about then. Things were starting to get wild--One of the ladies exclaimed "EVERYBODY DANCE NOW!" every five minutes or so. The din of voices had been a constant sound all night. I went over to get a coke for the road, and she grabbed my shoulder, leaned in close--I could smell the alcohol now :)--and said "You know what lady? You're going to be ok. You are going to be O.K."

And then it was time to leave.

Before-break posting

First off, I wish my meal-worm breeding beetles could feed themselves, but then again that probably involves them devouring the flesh of something, and that would be either their own dead flesh, or or mine, or skeletor's (which they have done before). So, I guess I shouldn't really wish for that.

Secondly, finals are done! I should be psyched/relieved, but they weren't a big deal this time around, and they kindof both sucked. I mean, Stat tests always suck, because no mattter what I study, it's usually not on the final. And physics was harder this time around, but I think it will be ok. It's no so cool when one of the 40 point test questions is a bonus question from one of the problem sets that Amber could not for the life of her figure out. BAH.

I'm looking forward to the break, but not in the usual way. I think I need some nice quiet time at home, although I'll be spending alot of it getting my applications out for grad school. Somehow, this 12 week has still been rough on me, despite the fact I was alot less busy than in semesters past. I think I'm burning out a little. AND I need a hobby. I'm working on that. I would love to take up jewelry making again, but unfortunately that would probably involve an input of cash I'm not ready to spend. We'll see. I do love making shiny things though!

I hope everyone has a really wonderful thanksgiving. I'm looking forward to the good food, and showing off my sparkly ring, and hanging out with my family. And watching my six-hour Buffy tape :) Best wishes to all, and I'll see you in the 3-week, until I run off to Florida for that.

Finals Eve

Ach, tomorrow is finals day for the newt. Wednesday was a good day, in that I did practically nothing constructive at all. Frankly, I was feeling yucky and lethargic, partly because I got too warm in bed and woke up feeling steamed--which tends to make me a bit ill-feeling. So I just lazed about mostly, except for my meeting at 12:30 with the rest of the 3-week Invertebrate biology class. Can you believe there's a girl in there I already want to destroy?

(backstory) Some folks are already aware that I regularly appoint an archnemesis for myself. Despite what I would consider a generally positive outlook on life, I find it good therapy to be negative about something or someone. Usually, my archnemesis ends up becoming my friend. This is because I often make archnemeses of folks I feel threatened by, typically girls with style--especially girls that remind me of me. I get the impression they think they are better than me. So I despise them. If I come to realize they don't feel that way, I usually end up really liking them, although this is not always the case. Anyway, I had been wondering who it would be for this week. ..

Anyway, our class is going to a marine lab in Florida for about a week. We'll be collecting samples and living in the lab and fighting off alligators apparently. Greg told us we'd try to make a snorkelling trip to "worm cove" or something like that, and the girl asked "Why is it called worm cove? Are these worms parasitic? Because I don't want to get PARASITES"

What, are you fucking retarded?

I thought, ok, maybe she's just a bit odd. But the questions didn't stop. There were many queries, but the last one really stuck in my mind. . .

"Are the dorms. .. . CO-ED?" she asked. Greg said yes. She replied "Ahhhh. Note to self: bring knife."

First off, chica. . . this is college. If you're really looking for non-coed life, you may want to get thee to a nunnery (first use of that quote in my blogger! wee!). Secondly, I wouldn't worry too much about "harassment" if I were you.

She's also a vegetarian. I have nothing against vegetarians per se, but I'm worried she's one of those vegetarians that make life a pain and expect more consideration than they give. We are cooking all our meals cheaply and communally for the trip, so it could suck. Finally, we were told that during the latter portion of our stay we'd be sharing the dorm with a class from Britain. "You'll have plenty of time to socialize with the limeys" said Greg.

"Goddamn Brits." She added.

She also has the most gigantic signature I've ever seen. It's about 3 normal signatures tall--and she used it on a list where we're supposed to print our names to let Greg know we made it to the meeting.

Oh, this is going to be an interesting field trip. Usually folks don't start to get on my nerves till the end. Of course, this could mean we will become the best of friends, and I'll run away with her to live on the Greek island of Lesbos. But somehow, I doubt that.

Speaking of which, wasn't I supposed to have some sort of girl-on-girl experience as an undergrad? Isn't that one of my distribution requirements for graduation? Ach, if anything is to blame, it's that I lacked, and continue to lack balls. Of course, if I had balls it wouldn't be girl-on-girl action would it?. . . damn. Can't win.

I want to apologize to some folks for all the complaing I've been doing recently. You all rock for putting up with my whining that never involved actually doing anything about what was bugging me.

Last but not least, I'm still getting the depressive spells as soon as the sun goes down. I guess I need a hobby.



Oh well

Sleeeeeeepy

1) Fun times at the IRC presentations! I didn't understand some things, but there was plenty of power-point eye-candy, so I was happy. I was nervous for Dave. He was totally NOT nervous, so I guess I was helping him out by letting my little heart pound in my chest for an hour or so. I'm biased, but I think he rocked the house. Yeah, yeah, I know :)

2)GENERAL UNIDIRECTED RANT:
I would like to take this moment to say to all single folks out there: don't discriminate against un-single people. It bugs me, especially having somewhat recently been just about as single as I could get. Believe me, we know we should be thankful, and despite what you might think, we're not trying to rub it in your face. The greatest fallacy is that we have no idea what your life is like. That is TOTAL bullshit. We've all been there. Oh boy have we been there. Ok! done!

Finally, here's to being the least stressed ever in a long time, and not measuring my worth by how busy I am. And also, here's to the future, when perhaps less stress will lead to time better spent ;)


What Kind of Sushi Are You?
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Oh man, that was a mistake. Now I'm hungry!

Feelin' Smoochy


What Sign of Affection Are You?
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What kind of fabulously delicious snack food are you?!
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Ach, I'm sleepy. One last thought. If you want people to like you, you should first decide if you like people.

What Obscure Animal are you?


Wow, I really did NOT see that one coming. Well, classes are over and done with--when did it get to be so late in the year? I have to be disciplined now and schedule in actual work time from now till finals on Friday. Hmmm, we'll see how THAT goes. Not a stressful week ahead, and thank goodness. Because I'm having these weird depressive spells in the evenings.

And I do mean weird. I mean, I'll spend the entire day being happy-go-lucky run around almost manic happy, and then by 10PM I'm ready to kick something or just cry. For now I will fob it off on girly hormonal crap. Still, it sucks. Nothing like going to bed alone and weepy, right?

Today's random encounter involved my old biochem lab partner "Bob." He took a pit-stop at the dinner table with Dave and I, and asked how my year was going. He's a curious fellow--smart as hell--but he definitely thinks differently than most of the world. That's pretty apparent from the moment you first meet him. I hope he's picked out a major by now. . .

Anything else? No, not really. I wore arm-warmers today and got lots of compliments, so I feel tremendously better, ego-wise. Not only that, but they actually kept my arms warm. . . who'd have guessed :)

Weird Thought I Felt Like Sharing

Did you ever think about what it would be like if you lived in a gigantic house, and every person you ever cared about lived there? I mean, not just ex-folks but also old friends, family you never see hardly ever, people you liked but never really got to know well. You would get to choose, of course. And they could bring a friend with them too. . . . sometimes I just lament that I meet so many wonderful and interesting people in this world, many of whom are walking around with a little piece of my heart; but there's this unseen limit to how much of their lives you get to be a part of, and how many of them you get to be friends with at one time. Sometimes I like to think about such a place. A big house where we could all live.

VRRROOOOOM! It's Friday!

Ever notice how getting enough sleep isn't the key to feeling awake? Like, I went to sleep at 1AM or so and woke up at 8:30, and I feel absolutely fabulous, whereas I have at times slept in thoroughly and felt like crap. And vice-versa. Yeah Yeah. It's just a funny thing. Maybe someday I'll be like my mom and go to sleep at ten and wake up at 4:30 in the morning. . .

Thursday was an interesting little day indeed. We can pick up from where I left off from the last phyics lab. It's funny, for all my claiming I don't have much to do, I'm still continually busy. In the afternoon, after watching NYPD Blue on TNN with Sam, I went to the radio station and set up generated shows to keep us broadcasting through Saturday. I like my time in the radio station: I can listen to all kinds of music, work with out distraction, and pretend I have a real office--COMPLETE with desk calendar. Oh-ho baby. After my work there, I had wanted to mail off the final shreds of my U Georgia Application, but ran into a couple snags and all the sudden it was 4:30 and the post office would be closed. YUCK.

DINNER--it was lame

After dinner, I went to do my second-to-last tutoring session, and was pleased to find out only one student was there, and she had some really easy stuff to go over. I've been tutoring her for awhile, so it's actually less work and more fun nowadays. The actual tutoring only took about a half hour, and then she talked about her internship over the summer for 1.5 hours. Sounds like she was working with an OB or something of that nature. She shared all the joys of watching babies be delivered and carrying them over to their mothers, seeeing grown men weep when their little boys got circumsized, and also all the gross things that she had to see, like prolapsed uteruses and chlamydia under a microscope, etc. I can tell she really enjoyed her work. That girl works so damn hard, and I hope it all turns out alright for her.

Spent the rest of the evening hanging out with Dave and Sam, which was great fun. We tried to go to the B-side, but there was some chick in there wailing some song whilst playing the guitar--it was an impromptu concert we decided not to interrupt. So we took a little walk, and eventually came back for cakes and sodas. It was a little like old times. That made me happy.

Today! Well today I've managed to get my work done and also mail out the last of my georgia application. Looks like a busy fun weekend, and week ahead. We'll see. . .

Last Physics Lab, and other not really exciting but still noted things

Random thought from my subconscious narrative (doesn't everyone have one?):
I don't care for ________. Someone who says they "don't 'get' Lesbians" is a person I'm not too sure about.

Yesterday was busier than I thought it would be. I had a yucks Stats test, which sucked as usual. I also had the honor of entertaining a tiger scout group who wanted to tour WHRM. THey were very cute and pretty much well behaved, especially for first-graders. Good stuff all around. I also went the Hiram Band Concert last night and had a wonderful time, complete with many many band flashbacks, and me gripping my chair every time the horns had hard stuff to play--I knew it was hard and was nervous for them :) Kudos all around! I respect that they've removed hired musicians (aka "ringers") from the band, and made it just Hiram folks.

Actually got to sleep at a normal hour, after I stayed up late reading "Kabuki--Masks of Noh" (a really super beautiful comic, although its writing is a little overly dramatic and still the comic is prone to the occasional panty shot ;) I forgot how nice it is to read something fun until you're sleepy. Weee! Then I dreamt crazy things, woke up, went to physics lab, and came back to write this entry! So yeah, nothing exciting here. That's ok, looks like there's toil and strife elsewheres :)

What color is this belt?

GRRREEEEEENNNNN!!!! wooo! I'm now a green belt in Jiu Jitsu--ROCK! It was a very challenging test--Sensei threw in some suprises, as did some of the brown belts. BIG BIG thanks to everyone who helped out: it was great fun!

Grad school applications. . . .Well, I'm nearly finished with the University of Georgia application, and a statement-of-purpose away from University of Wisconsin. This is my first-tier of schools: they're good, and their deadlines are December 15th. Next will be Loyola and Maine and University of Indiana. . . . I was applying to Hawaii, and I probably still will to make Dad happy, but the lab is moving to University of Wisconsin, so there's not much point to it. After these first two, the rest of the applications should go more easily. The statement o' purpose thing is giving me the most trouble. I mean, what the heck do they want me to say? "I LOVE BACTERIA! AND I LOVE YOUR GRAD SCHOOL AND I WANT NOTHING MORE THAN TO STUDY AT YOUR SCHOOL"

I figure, I'll make it an interesting read, and that will be for the best. I can only imagine how many of these things those people in admissions have to read.

Overall, I'm a cheerier person, although I was almost manic-giggly-crazy yesterday. Too much caffeine. Yep. Today I have a stats test. . . yuck.

One last thing. I've come to notice that lots of the people I like usually have issues. I would immediately say that people with issues are more fun. But I think there is something more to it than that. I think everyone has issues. It made me think of stats class. In a normal distribution of the population, VERY VERY rarely is anyone at the mean, in this scenario being without problems. It is much more likely you will encounter someone in the middle range on either side of the mean, having some problems, maybe good or bad, but basically it all evens out over time from meeting folks. Then, every once in awhile, you'll find an outlier, from waaaay far away from the mean. And these folks have serious problems, and they just aren't so common. Now, I'm ashamed of myself for thinking about statistics. Just never feel bad for having friends with issues--it was bound to happen.

On the way back up to happy

So yeah, I was truly in some sort of funk over the weekend. I mean, for goodness sake, I had a full on sleep and eat too much and just be cranky experience. But as always, that just doesn't last forever, so here I am, feeling a bit better.

I just discovered the wonder that is online gradschool applications. I mean, holy shit is this awesome. I remember when I was applying to college I hand-typed all my applications in one monster session in the kitchen, obsessviely cleaning the table to make sure nothing oily would soil my precious forms. In 30 minutes this evening I completed the general application to University of Georgia. I still have to fill out a departmental application, and make sure all my paperwork makes it there ok. . . but yeah! Now they know I'm applying. It's rather exciting. I love the internet.

I think the big lesson for this week, for everyone to learn, is that having something in life to look forward to is pretty darn important, if you want to be at all happy. I'll leave it at that.

Everyone is sleepy. I have no idea why. I'm sleepy to. Perhaps there's something in the air?

The ever-fantastic wrap-it-up early Monday morning post

Not that really there was any great demand for it. . . . but it's late at night and none of my comics are new so what the heck.

I'm now aware my quiz results did not show up in the previous post. If anyone else took the crazy thing, apparently I am Glemph, the tentacle monster who wishes people would not stereotype his species as sex-crazed monsters. Wow. Exciting.

So how did the GRE's go? Well, first, before GRE talk, let me say that I was very happy that Alice and company came to Hiram on Friday. We had a very great time, I think, and to top it off--I GOT SUSHI! I also got yelled at for showing my sparkly ring. Oh well :) After sitting visiting Prof. Dreisbach with Carrie and Alice, I was just plain amazed at all the crazy things music people know. I should have realized they've got their lingo too, and it was amusing to sit around amongst music people and not understanding many various references. But that's ok, I've perfected my smile and act like I understand face from many years of listening to Dad, and also from dating the comp sci folk. ANYWAY. Fun times on the Friday night, and I was sad that I couldn't fully enjoy them, what with the GRE's happening the very next day.

So, I didn't get much sleep. I was too damn nervous, despite my constantly trying to convince myself it wasn't important and I'd do better if I was relaxed. I also almost forgot my admission ticket, as I was walking out of Henry. Thank goodness I checked, went all the way back up to the room, and grabbed it. Katie drove myself and Lauren up to Cleveland State. On the way, we chatted about grad schools, studied a bit, and also got egg mcMuffins--yum! We walked into our building, and were quiet suprised to see many many signs organizing lines for the Psychology Subject Test. Apparently that's what most people were there for, and apparently we were in the wrong hallway. As we got into the right hallway, I discovered my last name on the admission ticket was incorrect--it said "Pollackag" instead of "Pollack." Christ, I did NOT need this. Corrections had to be in the Friday before testing. And here I was, on a Saturday, taking a subject test on the last date that would meet my deadlines. . . and my last name on my ID didn't match my last name on the admission ticket. I had horrible visions of being kicked out of the test. Having to sit in the hallway for three hours, probably crying. But the lady at the desk just wished me good luck. What's more, I saw my name on the list, and it was spelled correctly. . . so I really have no idea what happened.

Well, with disaster narrowly averted, I found my assigned seat and got "in to position"--which would involve getting out my ID and numerous mechanical pencils with at least five leads in each of them and arranging them in front of me in an orderly manner. Ah, the old habits from my highschool test-taking days! There was some red-headed guy to my left who kept mumbling and grumbling, and eventually he proclaimed that for the money we pay for this test, they should be providing us with donuts and coffee, or at least a stick of gum. The guy to the right therefore gave him gum, and offered me some as well. So baby, I was ready to rock n' roll.

The test itself wasn't bad. Harder than the practice test. I think if I would've memorized all the amino acids, I would have been in better shape, but that wasn't something I was about to do, when I can freaking look them up in the lab. It's hard to tell how I did. I mean, it's all multiple choice, and sometimes I could only narrow things down to 2 answers, so I guess it's a 50/50 shot baby. So all in all, I'll say that it didn't suck. I answered most of the questions, at least 160 out of 180--I can't remember. More than anything I'm glad it's done.

So I hibernated most of the remainder of the weekend.

Of course, Sunday night I was supposed to test for my green belt. But mother nature interfered and instead I spent a good amount of time crouching in the lounge of 2nd Henry with Skeletor and crew, waiting for the tornado warning to end. Yeah. Well, thankfully most people behaved themselves, and there was a minimal amount of yelling and people vying for everyone's attention.

So here I am now, sleepy, but not in an especially good mood, so not sleepy enough to sleep just yet. It's weird, because I've finally gotten to a patch of time when I don't have alot of work to do, and now everyone around me is getting super stressed and busy. Not that I'm complaining. I'll find things to be stressed about. I'll listen to the Tarot Card Lady, who told me that while I don't generally struggle as much with my tasks as other people do, that's no excuse to heap more on my plate. So dammit, I won't.

Feeling better!

How did the GRE subject test go? I'll tell you later. For now. .. here's something very special:







which Ghastly character are you?


this quiz was made by Zaedite

Well Sheeet

Did you ever have a span in your life, however large or small, where you just couldn't get excited about anything? Well, that's me in a nutshell this week. Obviously I've already heaved and sighed over some things. I guess I've just walked down down down into the dark valley that is a Funk.

I did my practice GRE subject test for biochemistry, cellular biology, and molecular biology. I felt really good about it. There were some things I didn't know, but not much. So I tallied up my scores, humming along. . . . and realized I'd only gotten about half the test right. Amber goes straight to the 60th percentile. Do not pass go, do not collect stipend money. Ok, so really that's not a bad score. Better than average! But dammit, why couldn't I get a great score? One that passes over the desks of the powers that be and makes them look twice. They'd see my very average GRE general test scores, my fantastic writing scores, and good scores where it counts. . . and they'd be impressed. . . . TBC

Ok, took a walk with a rather tipsy Dave and had my spirits lifted. It's always nice to have someone rooting for you. Man, it's just hard to get used to getting non-impressive scores (damn that sounds ridiculous). It's also hard to care much anymore about it. I am declaring Saturday, if I don't pass out, to be party day--after the GRE. Party Day? Hell, I have no plans other than to waste time and maybe drink a little rum. I'm tired of being slightly depressed.

You know, something has really been bugging me over the last handful of days. Two things really: the issues of imitation and coolness. Let's deal with imitation first: Ok, so it's the sincerest form of flattery. But what about when it's not-intentional? What about if you order a cool hat online, come home, and find out one of your compatriots already owns two just like it? Do you wear the hat? My logical brain would argue "hell yes! who says they have the patent on this fashion" but socially I get really queasy. I have this idea that folks will assume that compatriot had the style first, and that I'm copying it. When in fact I just happen to have the same taste. . .

I mean, I get downright frustrated. While it has been shown that I am reportedly cool, I really feel classified as a bookish, tame sort of cool. I feel trapped as the "less creative one," and let me tell you that sucks. It sucks to be transported back to highschool, where I wanted so very much to express myself, but didnt' really have the time, and people would assume I was quiet and aloof when IN FACT I wanted so very badly just to get along with everyone and have a good time.

Basically, the latter issue applies to this whole glommish first issue. Sometimes things get too loud in the lounge for me. For one thing, I'm not big on philisophical debates--they really tire me. I just want to chill in the lounge and yell at the TV occasionally. I'm happy the lounge is so well habitated, but the mood has shifted a bit. Not a bad thing, just maybe not always my thing. My whole crew of life-saving close friends from last year are gone and/or graduated. So I've gotten a bit lonely. So suddenly I'm looking for approval and recognition amongst folks that maybe just aren't my scene. . .and I get really confused, emotionally.

So what did I do? I sat in the lounge for an hour, watching Trading Spaces with Jesse, and letting the healing powers of the lounge rejuvinate me. Ahhhhh. Don't ask me how that helped. I think maybe I just needed to socialize, put in my lounge time, and be less detached from the life of the lounge. I do miss it sometimes. . . .

All in all, I hate feeling like I have to define myself. I hate obsessing about how others see me. You know what? I can be loud and crazy and odd and dorky and utterly dirty and creative, and occasionally pretty darn smart. And it drives me NUTS when people pigeon-hole me as run-of-the-mill, or assume I'm not as smart as they are, or think me a prude. I know it's their loss, but it still pisses me off. The message for today? People aren't what they seem, so try not to make assumptions. Hard to do though . ..

I don't know if I get to come to Alice's party or not. .. I have NO car. SIGH!

You know, I'm really tempted to make an advertisement: "WHAT WOULD AMBER DO FOR A SUSHI ROLL?"
Send me an offer, and we'll see eh?

Man, why must I crave the sushi? IN OHIO?

Ok, I've been productive. All my recommendation forms are out to my recommenders. I just made my visit to the registrar to get all my transcripts sent out--which put me out about 27 bucks too. I just got my final scores back from the general GRE, and I'm pleased. Yeah, I did only a little better than average quantitatively, but verbally I kicked a bit of butt. And I'm extremely pleased with my writing analysis score. I was really psyched, and then I realized that probably no researcher would care especially how great a writer I might be. So I was less pysched. But then I realized maybe somebody would, after all I do have to express myself decently and write scientific papers and such. . . so maybe it will be a great thing.

Sooo, all that's left for me to do is take the Biochem, Cellular, Molecular Biology subject test, write a statement of purpose 300-500 words long, and fill out my applications online, and this chica is DONE with the application process (barring any mishaps on other people's parts). That's pretty cool, I gotta say. I'm looking forward to being completely done and then waiting anxiously for someone to say "COME TO OUR SCHOOL AMBER WE LOVE YOU!"

Yeah, here's hoping :)

Other than that? Life is just trudging along. The whole Grad-school thing has been my main focus. That and being smoochy and cuddly. These things make the world go round. Screw the fact I'm going through money fast what with all these miscellaneous fees.

Saturday night. . .it's alright


Well, this weekend finds me in very mixed feelings.

Today was a generally relaxing day, as it was the first saturday in a while that I didn't have to do anything--heck, I didn't even have to tutor this afternoon, like I thought I would. I spent the majority of my afternoon reading the webcomic "Pillars of Faith" (on Sprite's recommendation), and had a great time learning neat things about vampires and vampire hunting. Nothing like a comic that's fun, has a good plot, and actually teaches you something ;).

ANYWAY. As you may have noticed from Dave's entry, "ROCKY" did indeed rock, a hell of a lot. Mr. Bardwell in particular was fantastic. I've always loved Tim Curry's performance of Dr. Frankenfurter. . . just how beautiful and larger than life one man could be in a corset and garters. Dammnit, when Tom burst out of his cloak, revealing one fine looking man in beautiful beautiful outfit. . . wow. It was just something to behold. I could go on and on about stage presence, etc. But it's just not the same as being there.

The show was super-great. I really did just sit there in wide-eyed wonder for the majority of the performance. Although it's never going to beat the very first time I saw the movie, when I was young enough not to be sure Dr. Frankenfurter was male or female. It's the one thing I lament. That show used to be so shocking, it was a total turn-on. Now, it's still a bit shocking, but I guess I'm getting older. Frankly, it was also hard to convince my brain that I was watching a live cast due crazy half-naked things on stage. I'm so used to expecting censorship on stage, you know? But to everyone on cast, thanks for a fantastic show!

It's been a little rough lately, what with a little line of guests since thursday or so staying in the room. But I've got some quiet time now while the last show is going on. Ahhhhh.

All in all, it's been a rough set of weeks, where I've had to keep my eyes on the ground and just plow ahead until all the work was done. Not fun, but interesting to see if I could do that. I think I did.

I'm rather bummed that halloween is over already. I love the spookiness of this time of year, but after Halloween it sort of fades away. . . .alas, now it's not scary--just damn cold.