I feel like the last entry was nothing but a bummer, and frankly I feel better now having vented and read interesting things on the web for awhile.
Tonight was not the best night. I went out with some friends to try out the new pizza place, which is decent. Only the typical problem arose when I was the only bio major at a table of computer science majors--when they start in on the shop talk, I have nothing to contribute. Absolutely nothing, and if i try, well, I usually end up feeling dumb. It's partly my fault for not bringing any non-cs allies with me. I'll know better next time. But the point is, I felt very out of place, and I started back to feeling insecure, and less connected, and then off I floated on my little balloon of self-torture.
So I wanted to leave very badly, but didn't want everyone to feel bad. Self-pity is an ugly thing. But making everyone else feel bad and making a scene--that's even worse. I couldn't tell what I was really upset about at first, and I was worried I was being dumb and also dumb again, but in the end I realized I was just bummed for aforementioned reasons. Oh well, that's life :)
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The feeling of longing is a strange emotion. It's even stranger when you can't tell what the longing is for. Lately, well, in the last half hour, but off and on, I've felt a longing, a curiousity. I've got my ideas as to what that's for, sure. Life has begun anew and there's a great wide world out there. Exciting, sometimes frightening. And lately there's things I want to know about, places I want to see, you know: wanderlust. The Travel Bug. I get this at least once every year. The desire to be off on an adventure. But for now, there's other things too, and I'm trying to sort out the pulls I'm feeling in my gut.
So where does any of this leave me? Eager to be adventuring, and not doing any of my schoolwork. Bad Amber! Bad!
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