PICTURE TITLE: "Ambiguities are All We Have"

Life is so much more complicated than I could have ever guessed. Ever. I mean, I always thought I understood that it was complex, that there was too much to ever fully understand, that life was unpredictable, yeah. But I always thought it was best lived by instinct and feeling. That if you went with your gut, if you were true to yourself . . . .well, that should be enough to live well.

But it isn't. Life now seems to be full of such conscious effort to check incorrect emotions with reasoning and observation. I saw a preview today for a movie, a silly one, which seemed to involve teaching a science experiment to be human. At one point, the lab-coated technician leans over to this simian fellow, and says "Just never do what you really want to do." And right now that seems fitting.

No, it's not that I'm not getting to do the things I want to, it's just that so often I have to keep every emotion so tightly in check. I have to smile at the correct times, not get uncomfortable, be friendly, be open. . . all of this is by my choice alone. Living is a conscious effort, I am finding. It is a very calculated dance on the edge of reason and feeling. And this is quickly becoming a silly silly entry. I apologize. There are just weird statements floating up into my brain, and dammit I want them out, NOW.

I'm just amazed at how much I have to deny what my brain screams. I know it's just doing its job, using past experience to tell me what a bad situation is, and when to be worried. But it's obsolete. Times, strangely, have changed. And I find myself whirling around trying to find a direction to go in, and all of the sudden everything is the same as it was just awhile ago, and very few people seem to notice it. But my brain notices, and it's reminding me every day of all the shit that happened. But it doesn't matter anymore. Because everything old is new again, except me. I'm obsolete, and these emotions like ritual torture must go.