Today was a thought-provoking day.

I'm wondering if it's wise for any woman who hasn't been married and/or had a baby to attend wedding showers and baby showers. It weirds you out of you haven't, albeit it's in a wistful sort of way. Not the baby shower thing so much, as I have no desire to have a kid of my own any time soon--I've got lots of time. But anything in the form of an event that makes you think about weddings. . . ahh that's seductive and dangerous to the young female mind.

Dangerous? How can china patterns and ribbon bouquets be dangerous? Hah. It's all part of this dream that most girls have, generally of the whole "getting married" process, which is filled with pretty things and lots of smiling approval. Most girls, whether they admit to it or not, have dreamed up the details.

But this is typical. It's just dreaming, you know? But it's a weird point in my life. My mom got married when she was 21. The bride today was 24. Alice is getting married soon, and I know she's not the only one with such intentions. It's not that I want to get married now, or any time soon. I know I'm not ready. But these events raise alot of thoughts in my mind. I envy these people who are so certain about their lives, or at least their loves. I know that there's alot of people I can make happy. I'm not worried about that. The problem is finding someone I love, who makes ME happy for more than a year. It's not easy, and more than that, getting to know someone well enough to perhaps start to judge that seems to mean putting my heart on the line,which is scary.

Deep down, what is worse, is that I'm expecting to find someone sure enough that they want me. But that's not the right, is it? It's not fair. So far, the one time I was sure that I loved someone, the rug came out from under me, and now I'm very much less than sure. So now I'm on equal footing again. Wanting security, but scared I'll make the wrong decision and end up trading cold comfort for change.

I can honestly say, I'm horrified today. Oh girl, don't panic, whatever you do. I've made it this far, yes. But it's taking alot of deep breathing and eye closing today. Life is all about jumping with your eyes closed, at least sometimes. I'm doing alot of jumping these days. Oh well.