WEll, this is certainly shaping up to be a multiple entry week, isn't it?

Don't have much to say right now, so be not afraid. This is one of my favorite parts of life, where shit has gone down and I get to ponder how it will affect things. Maybe not at all. The weather is matching everything--I saw SNOW this afternoon. I'm no good at being angry for long periods of time. I'm past my disgruntled stage, and now I just sit and wait and wonder. How strange life is. How often we could not possibly guess what would happen.

I made such a huge mistake. I put my hopes up as high as I could, even though I knew that it was a dangerous thing to do. It's one of my many weaknesses. I want so badly to trust people, and on top of it I'm an optimist, so I believe that the best is possible. And sometimes it is.

I know that most of my anger I've directed outward, and perhaps not all of that is undeserved. But deep down, I'm so pissed at myself for letting this happen. I set myself up. I said, Amber, he wants you back, he says all that other stuff wasn't anything compared to you (which hit my other weakness, my ego). He said everything I wanted him to say. And I will continue to believe that he meant it at the time, but now I get the feeling it was all delusion. There is nothing more dangerous than the words you want to hear. I knew it was stupid, but I believed every bit of it, and opened the door and let my heart go back. He didn't ask me to, but it was all I could do. And all of the sudden, over break, he wasn't so sure. And now I think I know why. So, that's it I guess. It's all wrong. He says he doesn't care, that he'll stop putting up with it soon, but I know it's another delusion. I lost that heart a long time ago, and he won't admit it.

It's the same old story, and some people never learn. Maybe this time, I will. If what I think is happening IS happening. . . Dave, my heart goes out to you, but not too far.