Ok, apparently my entry I wrote this morning dissapeared. I *doubt* sabotage played a part in this.

It's tuesday, and oh how I wish the weather could be warm again. I think it isn't helping, as I slide into this mellow sadness all over again. I'm happy that the relapses are farther apart, but I guess I'm not free of this feeling yet. I had a sad dream last night, and I woke up this morning not remembering much of the details, but remembering it was sad. So what am I to do about it? Nothing.


I'm viciously alternating between happy/depressed/violent, and consequently I have no idea what to do right now.

I would very much like to run up to my room right now and break some posessions of mine, burn the rest, and SCREAM. Because none of this is fair, and even if the worst was over a month ago, well, I'm still pissed. What is shittiest is that the main body of this crap isn't anyone's fault. It's just the culmination of all our fears and desires. I just can't cut myself completely free of this trap. I can't make other peoples decisions for them. If I could throw three things in the trashcan today, it would be promises, indecision, and no-communication. I'm shut out, I can't shut up.

Then I get depressed--I'm defeated. What was the point of any of this crap? I did everything I could to be a good girlfriend, thinking that fate would give me someone who could be happy with that. It's not something to blame Dave for--he feels the way he does and can't change it. But I hate how it doesn't matter now nice you are (in fact, often it seems to just get you kicked in a corner), or happy, or indedpendent, or smart, or decent-looking you are. The idea that striving to be worthy of love is a good way to get it is FALSE. EXTREMELY FALSE. As far as I can tell, the less you strive, or the more you pretend to strive, the better off you are. People distrust and take for granted real effort, I guess. So I'm defeated. I can't win. I can only walk away, and that takes time.

But, I have so many things to be happy for. So much life ahead of me. But for today, for the lunch break, none of that matters. And I apologize for how depressing I'm being. I mean yeah--my whole life ahead of me! I'm not scared today. I'm not afraid of the unknown today. I'm just sad today, because the anger wore off. I definitely recommend Anger over Sadness. At least then you feel like you have something to fight.

Well, in less sad news. . . my brother had a wonderful time at Prom. I demand pictures. Progress reports are requested from everyone, as no one is communicating much these past few days, and I hate not knowing what's up with the world.

Alice: I love you too!!! In fact. . .WILL YOU MARRY ME?



oh wait.


ok, maybe not :)