Collage of a long friday
aka another ambiguous post
Can't help but be ambiguous, because these are ambiguous times. We all agree that February is always about drama. That people hold out trying to make their lives right, through Christmas, and then the New Year comes and we start taking stock of things. . .and by February, life has changed.
I'm not worried about being alone. I know that, depending on where I set my standards, I could always find someone. I feel for Eva because I know just what this part is like, where you don't want another relationship. You just want to feel loved, without having to love. Wanted. And you are convinced that this should be a golden opportunity: a girl looking for rebound and healing.
It SO isn't.
How do you walk that line? How do you find this person you could trust enough with your feelings and funny faces, who won't be upset that you refuse to fall in love with them just yet. That you could leave tomorrow. Where do you find the person that cares like that? By chance. I already had my chance in history. This time around, there are no friends with benefits to cushion my ego and help me move on with life.
Talked to Sharon at the reception for recruitment weekend. Wanted to give her fifty thousand hugs. She's being strong while her ex-boyfriend posts a weblog stating that he already has a crush on someone in the group. She thinks it's me. I don't know what to think. I don't want in the middle of this. I want to help Sharon, because it's like helping myself, you know?
I was sitting in stadium seating at the Kohl Center watching my first Badgers Hockey Game, and it seemed profound how this was the life I was living. Like waking up in bed when you fell asleep on the couch. I thought about how maybe Dave would have enjoyed the hockey game, complete with fights and cheers like "Get on your feet, old people"
I drove everyone around this evening--insisted Roger get to drink at the Essen Haus since he's giving up drinking for Lent. Got to feel useful and adventurous. Taught Jeremy a little bit of how to Polka. Let Amalia wear my pirate hat. Even got dipped on the dance floor--cheers from the girls for being the 'dancing queen'
Honestly, I don't know what to think.
Turn on the radio and its a Crash Test Dummies Song that Dave used to sing. In the car, the friends start singing "If I had a million dollars" and I flip out slightly. That's how Dave always got me, through music. So now I have to be careful. It's another careful time in my life--and it's so tiring.
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