The lessons you learn

You know how some days go by quickly, and others never seem to end?

It's still Monday. And it's been a long day, for better or for worse. I woke up, delirious from sleep lasting 5 hours. . . I like that my eyes in the morning are so puffy they look like somebody else's eyes. I think maybe it's more exotic. Got up, and plonked down in front of AIM (that standard of post-breakup times) to chat with some early-morning friends. AIM chats are funny things, because you get alot more information out of people that way, even though it is so much more detached.

There have been several thoughts running through my head today, all dating-themed since it's almost V-day.

The first is how highschoolish life has become all of the sudden, since turning single. The micro program started out with the majority of men single and ladies taken. Now the single ratio is, I'd say, 5:5. I've chatted with Roger and Rhett about what prospects I have there. There's a bit of matchmaking already going on. It's all so highschoolish. Like in highschool, when I told my mom that I thought David K was cute, and then she told my speech coach, and my speech coach arranged somehow for him to ask me out to Prom. So I indicate to Roger the two guys I think are cute (can you believe using this word still?!). From then on, it's been me messing with my head, wondering if one of them actually likes me or am I reading too much into things?

I'm desperate to get my hopes up. I have to fight my brain not to start running with the idea that someone likes me, because it may not be so, and I didn't want to come down that hard. So I get info that one of the guys likes someone, but so-and-so cannot reveal whom, but when I ask "It's not me, right?" they reply that they aren't going to say who it isn't or is. So, in amber logic that means it IS me. And of course this monday morning I found out it wasn't. So my morning was utterly obliterated, emotionally. Later in the day, I found out that they had said if they could date anyone in the program, it would've been me, but I was taken. In my mind, that's an easy choice to make when there's no chance they might actually be able to date you.

Second thought is hesitancy. I'm hesitant, and too horribly eager to be off and romantic. I love to be in love, but it makes me sick to my stomach to think I'd be knee deep in another heavy relationship. It makes dating a fellow micro grad seem so tempting, because I would not have to work so hard to get to know them. I'm a friend-dater by trade. But the downside is that if I mess it up, I've messed up perhaps a friendship as well. We're all pretty darn close in the program, but so close that there's not much room for error. But then again, the element of risk is appealing. So appealing.

Really, after talking to Sprite and Roger, I found some peace within myself. For one thing, I WAS cute enough for someone to say that they thought I was cute and of everyone in the program, date me. So there is some hope maybe someday for that guy, but I will not push the issue. I really should try to enjoy this time, and feel my way towards a greater sense of independance.

That's what it really comes down to. What's really exciting isn't necessarily the masses of men that I *could* theoretically date. It's the fact that life has shoved me into a future that is far from predictable. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, but at least I feel like I own whatever future that is.