Thursday, January 16, 2003

Ummm, it was wednesday?

Well, 2nd day of the MWF schedule of classes. I finally got my books at 9AM this morning--thanks to some amazingly good help from Chris at the busy-ness office. I spent the two hours before class trying to catch up on my reading and get all my new binders in order. Ah, the time-honored tradition of getting one's school supplies in order. .. .since kindergarten, I've gotten so much enjoyment from feeling organized and prepared in the realm of paper and folders. Class was slightly less boring. Immunology was actually really interesting, as I learned how to sell my plasma for cash, and scored a good answer for why having too few bloodcells is bad; although in all honesty my mom could've answer that one. Man, I'm a jealous dork. Our professor has a couple kids in the class he's always adored, and they always ask these obtuse, involved questions, or give the answer I already have in my head, and he's always telling them what excellent questions and perfect answers these things are. I typically get a "precisely" if I get anything at all.

I can't tell if I'm just being envious or legitimately wronged in some way. Did I mention I can't wait to get out of this place? I just always feel out of the loop on everything in my department. And I have much respect for my professor, but he seemed to give this one research group the majority of the attention, and so naturally their work flourished. It's like highschool all over again. Maybe you know what I'm talking about. If that girl who's got the same stats as you gets the scholarship, next time around, she's got a scholarship and you don't, so she ends up getting that scholarship and you don't. And now she has two scholarships and you don't have diddly squat. Prudy is rooting for me, though, and for that I'm thankful. As much as I gripe about how hard she is, I still am glad to know her.

It's just, this place gives you such a weird sense of perspective. When I went to Hawaii, everyone was so excited to have me there, and Cheryl would tell me what great work I was doing, how I had the hands and the brain to do it. I felt special. I felt capable. But here I don't work in a lab--I never feel like much of anything. I feel just plain disregarded. There are these hoardes of seniors and juniors all working in the same lab, and it drives me a little nuts how "in the loop" they all are together. I feel like they are in some other department, if that makes any sense.

Man, the thing is, I'm just being insecure. I need recognition so I can feel like what I'm doing is worth it all. I almost shamed myself into volunteering to work in Brad's lab, because I felt I owed him for the recommendation, and because I thought it might win me some of that approval from him. But you know what? I didn't get it when I was working on the project all by myself. I came in from a summer at the OSU Plant Biotech department, and got to watch another group's work towards getting published in a year. Got to see them use all kinds of neat microscopy while I attempted to get one enzyme assay to work. I don't resent them for it. They did good work, and they are sharp guys. But I kept wishing I could've been put on their team. I had more skills in the lab already than 2 out of the 3 of them did when the started in the lab. I'm envious, and I feel like maybe nobody really believed I did much at OSU, or just didn't take the time to think about it.

But hey, it isn't such a sad, dismal situation. I still have been recognized and accepted by bigger and finer institutions--even got perhaps a bit of excited congratulations from Prudy, which are so hard to come by that goodness it is fantastic to receive. I've gotta focus on that. And take any resentment I have and use it to create a fantastic APEX presentation. I have to ignore all this crap. In a way, I have to be my own department, running parallel from so many other bio majors. It makes me sad though, that I don't have any real compatriots among the molecular biologist crew. I got along really well with the invertebrate folk, the bioethics majors, the education people. It's a mystery!

whew! that was a long rant. But the bottom line is that I'm not working in Brad's lab this semester. And I'm NOT going to feel bad about it. Because I have plenty of work to do already, and bigger fish to fry. And in the end, my life leads elsewhere.

Finally: I just heard that Sean and Maureen are engaged, and that is really happy lovely news! They seem to bring out the best in one another, and that's really important. So many congratulations to them if they happen to stumble across this ;)

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