Monday, September 02, 2002

It's a little TOO quiet

Yeah, right. I'm happy things are calm, although it's a little unnerving, because I know there are tons of things I could be doing, and also that very soon things are going to get nutso. I'm really settling into the idea of just living for a couple years without progressing towards a PhD. Frankly, it sounds fantastic: just go out west, get a nice-paying job in industry, keep my eyes open for a good PhD program, and when I find it, go for it. I have sort of a multi-pronged approach in my head. If I can find a sweet doctorate program now, I'll go for it. But if I can't, I'm not going to compromise and stick myself in a program I don't like. I'll either work in industry, or get my master's degree. So ok, I can stop worrying so much about that.

I'll just take my GRE's and not stress about that either. . . yeah, right. Same would go for the APEX presentations. And there's that pesky issue of working in Brad's lab. I would love to just not worry about it for a little while, but of course all those people I consider my peers are working hardcore in there. . . . I wish I knew where they found the time. . . .

It's just alot of mundane stuff, you know? If there was anything positive to be said about the spring of hell, it was that I could afford to take my mind of this stuff, and obsess about how attractive I was, or where I was going to find someone to curl up in bed with, or a million other highschoolish personal things. But now, the real world encroaches. The actual decisions loom. And I'm finding my pains and hatreds so childish but unshakeable. I'm trying to think of a good metaphor here. Maybe a combination of Dorothy when she wakes up in her black and white world, relieved--but of course folks think she's crazy in the sequel. . .hmmm, I guess that's close enough.

Right now everything's swirling around Kat, and I try--perhaps sometimes too hard--to let her know I know how it feels. But saying it feels like being 50 and telling a teenager you know what it is like to be young. It gets harder to believe every day. It's her turn to dance in the midst of chaos. And as for me? I'll just try to get enough sleep, and enough food, and enough love to make it through the semester alive.

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