Underneath the weight of it all

You know, I had written a very long entry about the news today, and then Kat needed to sweep, so we unplugged an extension cord. .. and. . .well, there went my entry. So I've decided to keep it short and pick up where I left off.

Allison Ferris is dead. The campus e-mail told us police found her unconcious in a car in Garretsville, and that they took her to the hospital where they pronounced her dead. That's the news.

And what hits me hardest is the fight with reality. I can't really register what has happened. I keep thinking I'll walk out of Henry and see her sitting there on the smoking bench, or sprawled out in the lounge. Or that any minute she'll be knocking on the door looking for Kat, my roommate It's the having to remind myself that hurts. Because it takes many small battles with reason to convince yourself.

What makes me saddest is the gaping holes she's leaving everywhere. I think about Tom, a close friend of hers who let her borrow the car to run in to G-ville, I worry about the weight of his what-if's. Kat's carrying her own too. After I heard the news, I came back to the room, since Dave had skipped class. So Dave, Sam, Barrie, and I all went to lunch, and tried to laugh a little. It's funny how the laughing sounded loud and quiet at the same time.

I came back to my room, and found it quite occupied. Kat, Nick Z., Tish, and eventually Sharon and Brian all sat in the room, laughing and being quiet. This may be how it is. To me, Allison was a day brightener. She was always a little wacky, living slightly out of phase and not embarassed by it. I really admired that about her. She would always say hello, and I admired that too. I know there had to have been alot more going on in that head, but I never really got to know just what. And I never will. And that is sad too.

It is times like these that I'm reminded just how long a year it's been, and just how much longer there is to go. I don't think I've ever lived such a long year. Even the slow hours of childhood can't compare. I mean, I've lived so MUCH in one year. Almost too much. It's been like a wave, these interesting times, hitting one person and moving on to the next, and I'm wondering just when it's going to break on shore.

And then I wonder when the next one's coming?

Lastly, there's a little snippet of verse I chanced upon, and I wanted to put it here, just because.

There's a knock on the door that I adore
There's a face at the window, a smiling yellow face
There's a knock at the door, and if I were at home, they'd find me there

There's a note on the door that I would see
And the furniture's barely been moved from where it was
There's a note on the door
And the note would say "when it rains, it snows"

When it rains, it snows
I wonder why
And now I know
That when it rains, it snows
--"When it Rains it Snows," They Might Be Giants