Wednesday, September 18, 2002

I finally become cool

Tish has introduced me twice today as "the pinnacle of coolness in Henry"

I think back to that third grader with the crooked teeth, bug-eye glasses, crimped hair pull back with a horrendously big bow. . . .and I think, "FINALLY, AFTER ALL THESE YEARS. . . . I am cool"

But I must be getting older, because it's nice, but it's not half as big a deal as it would have been 3+ years ago. Yeah, so peple think I'm cool. Doesn't get my grad school applications sent, or my homework done, baby. But still, it's nice to feel respected, and it's definitely great to feel cool. It's funny, because I dont' really think I'm cool. How can I be cool? I am a big dork. I live in henry. I think I just answered my question.

Grad school is stressing me out a bit today--although probably tomorrow it will be Physics or my APEX that's doing the stressing. I have come to the realization that I could solve all these problems quite simply by just going back to University of Hawaii at Manoa for a Masters Degree in Microbiology. I loved hawaii, and it would give me time to do more research on my favorite squid bacteria and decide better what I want out of a PhD program. What's stopping me from e-mailing Ned and saying I'M COMING HOME TO STAY?

UH at Manoa's Microbiology Department is supposedly not that great.

While I was there, Jess (grad student) didn't seem extremely thrilled with the program. Cheryl was pretty much saying that there wasn't much comraderie in the department. But then again, she was still hinting at doing grad work there. Then I start to wonder if this would be backtracking. Will this be beneficial to my career? Do I want a real career? EEEEEEIIIIIKKKKK!!!

Somedays I'm completely certain I'm ready for grad school. And some days I feel like I should take a break and take it slow for a little bit. I worry about how many schools I'm interested in. I continually think "I don't know where to apply. I should be applying more places." because I'm pretty much interested to some degree or another in schools that do research on my favorite bacteria, Vibrio fischeri. Maybe I'll keep a daily log, recording where I feel certain I should go this day. Right now, my brain keeps saying
"You aren't completely ready to search for a PhD program. You don't know what you want, and you should know that before you commit 5-6 years of your life to it." Which, I think, sounds incredibly wise. But then again, am I just taking the easy way out?

I think that's what's bugging me, deep down. I want to keep all my options open, which is smart. But at the same time, I just want to relax for a little while. Today I don't feel ready for the PhD. I DO want more time to decide my life. I can't do it this semester--it's a FUCKING CRAZY SEMESTER. So of course, the idea of whisking off to hawaii with Dave for two years to do research in a lab I love in a place I love seems pretty damn appealing. But what if I'm just being lazy? What if this hurts my chances of getting into a PhD program later on? What if I can't afford it? What if Dave doesn't like it there? What if we end up like Jess in some miniature apartment with a nosey old japanese land lady, no kitchen but plenty of cockroaches?

Well, today the what if's sound silly. It's just two years of my life. And I could get published in that time, which could increase my chances of getting into a good PhD program--and also give me time to figure out what program I really want. I think, aside from the heat--which is only bad when the trade winds don't blow--Dave will like it. It's Hawaii for goodness sakes, everyone likes it. . . except Cheryl. She despised it. Oh and think of all the raw fish I could eat!

And then the scariest thought occurs: What if Ned moves the lab to University of Wisconsin at Madison? Then my fallback plan is screwed.

WHERE ARE YOU GRAD SCHOOL FAIRY!?

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