We now interrupt this program for bitching

Ok, so apparently because I was insanely happy from thursday through most of Saturday, I must be depressed on Sunday. What the hell is THIS brain? Can't we just be happy? No. Apparently we can't. I guess it's really all because of stress, and specifically that sort of special stress that only Sunday can bring, when you realize the weekend is over, and you must begin to work again. No rest until Friday. YUCKO

I'm mainly stressed about two things, the first of which WAS my green belt test this evening. For some reason, Jason and Sensei insist I'm ready to test. I think, ok, maybe I am and agree to it. Then I realize today that there are techniques I just learned TODAY, and I do them with Dave and suddenly there's alot to be desired in my technique, which is really confusing. It's a huge disparity--From being ready to test last week to not even being close to ready, and then I begin to worry I'm just taking tests without really being ready for them. I'm just half-assing the techniques and uke's are jumping for me so they turn out ok despite the fact they aren't correct. Perhaps none of this is true. I had to sit in the library and cry for awhile, because I want to test, but I don't feel ready, but everyone is going to ask me "hey why didn't you test today?" and I'll probably have to resist the urge to hit some people and of course succumb to the fact that I'm getting all upset over nothing. I feel somehow slighted here, but I think probably I'm the one doing the slighting. Which is harder to deal with, certainly.

Oh well, I'm going to class tonight, and I'll just try not to get frustrated and start crying, because I'm TRYING not to act like a wimpy girl.

So I called Sensei and Jason and let them know I wasn't testing today. Probably won't get to test now until late October. And of course Sam called me a slacker. So I told him Fuck You. And now I'm a jerk, right?

The other counteracting stressor is that my group has to present a paper on Tuesday for my Topics in Microbiology Class. I hate group projects, because hell is depending on other people to do work. Plain and simple.

Well, I'm trying to convince myself that if I just ride the bad mood out, I'll be fine and cheery by the evening. But I doubt that. Especially since I want both space and hugs at the same time. Grrrrrrr.