Sunday, May 09, 2004

The Required Depressive Sunday Post

It's really quite a tradition I'm establishing here--maybe because once we hit summer break (tomorrow) there will be no more sundays. Every day will be equally viable for research and there will be no classes to muddle with that. No late night homework assignments to complete. No paper to write (I am writing the final one today, for my Microbial Interactions class on "Why Streptococci are pioneers of our Dental Biofilms."

Don't worry, this is only a working title. It lacks a certain something.

There is something about May that always makes the days feel weighted with importance. Maybe it's because ever year of my life from preschool until grad school has marked May as the end of classes. It seems more powerful a marking of time passing than New Year's Eve. It is always chock full of endings and release. And really this May will claim to be the same.

First off, I've survived a school year at Madison. I've made it through the sometimes bleak winter. I've kept my car, my apartment, my health. Sometimes when I'm driving around I just marvel at how little I depend on anything other than myself (and my stipend) now. It's the same feeling as when I jumped into the pool at four thinking I had my swim floaties on, only to realize--when mom called out "YOU'RE SWIMMING AMBER!!" that I was swimming without floaties.

Seriously, this is no-floaties Amber. Dave's family came in this weekend, and aside from drying off in the bedroom post-shower while they came in to the apartment for five minutes, I had no contact with them. On one side, that's a relief. I don't want to be there to remind of them of sad things, when they should be so happy to see their son. On the other side, I was kindof sad not to see them. I got engaged to Dave knowing that I loved his family, and would be happy to be a part of it. Sometimes it really hurts to be reminded of how sure you were of things, when now you realized they will never come to be.

In general, I'm happy Dave's moving out in June. It will be good to have my own apartment--and my own bed--again. I'll be able to have friends over to watch movies and play video games. I can come in at 4AM and not feel bad about waking him up. But I'd be a huge, blindingly ridiculous liar if I said I wasn't going to be sad to see him go. The enormity of that day is larger than overwhelming. I know we made the right decision. But it doesn't always make it easier.

Well, I can honestly say I wish I was shopping today, instead of forcing myself to sit down an write a paper. It's one of my favorite brands of weather: heavy, hot, and humid. It reminds me of Florida and Malaysia. The air is so heavy and calm--it's comforting. Hope all of you enjoy it--I'm going to try!