So happy Springtime!

Hello kiddies!

Well, I've made it through the Monday and Tuesday of Homework Assignments. So now, I get to return to some sort of life again. Today I even got to buy issue 2 of the Conan comic. It's stylized in all the right ways. I borrowed a copy of "Blankets," and I think it's changing my life. I mean, don't you sometimes see a movie, or read a book, and just feel it seep into your thoughts from then on? I just love it. *sigh*

Life is pretty good. It also seems so radically different from a week before. Probably mostly due to it being no longer spring break. And to top it off, the weather is FANTASTIC. It's hovering around the upper 50's and humid. To me, it is the perfect weather. I don't need brilliantly sunny. I don't need 80's. I need this. And it's here. I walked to the west transfer point (bus station) and I could actually smell the soil. That smell is the perfect spring smell--it's a phrase I can remember saying to myself over the course of many springs. Spring smells like mud.

Spring fever can be hard to deal with. It makes me want to do a better job of cleaning up my part of the apartment. It makes me want to buy pretty spring clothes. It makes me want to run around in the rain, like the spring of 2002 and Goober and Sprite and I walked the 3-mile square in a warm spring rain. It was just to beautiful to care about whether or not we were soaking wet (we were). It cleansed us, just like spring always does. And I need that again.

On sunday, while driving to campus, I was sorting through the romantic side of life, trying to get that in order too. Thanks to the invention of the internet, I'd actually managed some options for dating. But still, my feelings were all mixed (and still are) between wanting to feel appealing and do romantic things in this new city, and also how panic attacks loom when I start to think about commitment. And then I had to ask myself. . .why the panicking? And my mind answered up with all the quiet and happy moments I've shared with people I've loved, and how I always thought Dave was going to be the one for me. I was so very convinced, for so very long. I still don't think it was me just being in love with being in love. Dave and I understand eachother on some deep unidentifiable level. Or at least, that's how I feel about it. But that's not enough. And I'm not sure what person I am now--that's the big problem. Too much of me is changing for anything constant to thrive.

What jumped out of some hidden part of the brain was a realization that I'm still burying alot of the pain. Sometimes I can't even imagine why I'd still have it. I've got a wonderful career, great friends, a fantastic city. . . And I don't want to poke at that lump in my throat.

But really, it's not anything disasterous. I was just reminded of the emotional objects I'm still carrying. The dissapointment and relief. The confusion, the uncertainty. Never ever ever wanting to love again, and realizing that I can't go without loving someone. That's my church.

I'm really trying to sort this stuff out, not just for me, but for those I date. For my friends too. For my mom, who I need to tell soon.