Here I go again

Requisite depressive spell. Worst in the morning and at night--times when it's dark and I get to be reminded that I need to spend them alone. I'm not meaning to be all self-pitying, but that's where I am, and just need to type it for awhile.

I need to somehow make myself just be single for awhile. Having to list all the reasons I had to break up, it was pretty clear to me that I balk at long-term commitment. I'm happy to be with someone who likes having me around, but the minute they start looking like they are making plans--like I always want to to--I freak out and realize I need out before I spend more years of my life trying to talk myself out of being a jerk. I mean, my reasons were more than that, but it kept coming up. I don't think it is wrong of me to want to have someone who loves and cares about me, but it's not right for me to be untrusting enough to reciprocate those things. Few people deserve that sort of treatment.

Monday night, I cried for a long time on Sharon's shoulder, with the tired mantra of "I'm so tired. I just want to be better. It's too much. I don't want to deal with it any more." And yeah, it's my own fault for continually wanting to be with someone rather than be all by myself. I hate this part so much. More than that, I hate hurting Ben, and I hate knowing that I need to get out but at the same time wishing I could be that person that stays.

But hey, I'll get better. This is just the time that has to suck. Another set of happy endings has to be put on a shelf, and I enter another span of time where I fight this choking fear of being set up for a life of boy-islands with no final place I'm ever going to be happy living. That's what I'm scared of. Not that I'll be alone because I can't find anyone, but because I haven't found a way to be happy--and in the process I embitter a line of beautiful, intriguing guys who just wanted to spend time with me. That scares me. Depresses me.

That, and this fucking election. . .