Things do, in fact, work out ok

Ohhhh, I have had some crappy moments lately. I've mentioned the worst of them already. it's kindof a hard week, just emotionally, but on top of that I realized yesterday that it was my last day of classes, and I didn't have any finals. THAT was cool, but also a little disturbing.

Pretty anticlimatic really.

There has been plenty of drama at school this week. A HUGE case of plagiarism in one of my classes, that's semi-hush-hush. Everyone is trying to figure out what lab they are going to work in for the rest of their time here (approx 5-6 years). See, this is how it works: you arrive bright and shiny at orientation week, and then have to do a minimum of 3 1-month rotations with different labs, where you get a little project and you work and see if you like the lab, and the lab sees if they like you. Looking back on it, I'm glad I always had a lab to go to (Ned's) because I don't think I did a very good job of working my ass off and making super-friendly with the people in the lab, in the hopes of them choosing you over another rotator. First off, I refuse to burn myself out. I'll go slow if I need to, but I'm not going to come in at 8AM, go home for dinner and come back till 10PM. Thankfully, none of my labs have seemed to ask that. But other people's have.

It will make you crazy, working your ass off and then not being sure if the lab will choose you. But some folks don't have any other choice--they want in to labs that are popular, and you have to compete with the other first years. . . I've avoided this stressfulness by joining Ned's lab, BUT I still feel how hard it is for my friends. And being already settled means I'm not very good for consoling people. It's going to work out for everyone, but in the meantime, it's a rough time for them.

Fortunately, it looks like fate has smiled upon Dave. I got home early yesterday and he came in all dressed up in the sexy business suit--we know where he'd been! Talking to the guy behind the voice on the answering machine that holds the promise of work in das computers yah. Honestly, Dave was starting to act a bit strangely before that. . . I think the work at Stop n' Go was finally getting to him. This new stuff sounds promising, and I got to joke him that he'd move from working in "CLERKS" to working in "OFFICE SPACE." I envy him a bit--getting to try all different kinds of job while I trudge faithfully down my looooong microbiology career track. But I love what I do, and I love who I'm becoming. At least sometimes.

We had a nice date thursday night--hadn't really spent much quality time together for some time, it felt like. And I finally got up my nerve to say that one of the poems he's been writing had bugged me more than just a bit. What's important about this is that I actually told him, instead of just stewing away at it FOREVER. He explained who the poem was about and why, and it wasn't so scary. I've been with myself long enough to know some of my weaknesses and needs, and in relationships I just need to feel that I'm the best of all the girls. Simple, no? heh, I know. Even wanting to feel sexy stems back to it. I don't mind hearing another girl hit on Dave, or that he thinks a girl is pretty, as long as I get a little reassurance that I'm better than that girl. I need to keep in mind that Dave's here, living with me--and not some other girl. I try, but it isn't easy. I'm insecure, and I'll admit that. I don't need someone sending me love letters every day or mooning over me constantly. I just need to know that I'm wanted and loved.

I'm not sure I'm doing such a good job on my end of the relationship, so having let Dave know what I need, I should start thinking about other people. I type it here, so now it has to happen.

Don't know what I'm doing for x-mas break. I kindof want to drive home, but I'm bummed to do it all by myself. Dave is flying home to see his family. that's a whole other issue, but I'm tired of typing. This entry is too huge already.