Thursday, June 13, 2002

Out of body experiences

how often do you hear yourself saying things and suddenly wonder "what the heck am I saying? what the heck am I doing?!"

Ok, I used to get that feeling alot back in my moody (heh) teenage days when I'd hear myself saying all these angry things and wonder why I was so angry, but it hasn't been until lately that I've felt that way again. It's strange, and yet now rather wonderous to feel like another, nicer side of you has taken over and is doing the right thing, while your less attractive selfish side pouts in the corner. My new internal motto is to quit whining, and hopefully this is the inaugural act of a new age of reason for me. But this kindness in the face of all that has been is strange, and against reason.

Which has led me back to a conclusion: none of us really know anything. Don't ask me to explain how I get here. But this especially applies to love. It feels so much better to look at someone else's relationship, and go "wow, that's messed up." And certainly there are many ill relationships out there. But alot of the time, we just want to be critical of anyone other than ourselves.

But now I know.

Everyone's got an evil side, and everybody has something to work on in a relationship. We're all just trying, dammit, trying to find a place in the world next to someone else. Someone nice, who can make you laugh, make you feel special, and to hide from lonliness with. That's really all, and you would think that was a simple endeavor.

We shouldn't take comfort in other people's clumsy efforts at happiness. We should at least reach out and lend a hand when we can. Because not many of us will walk this road without getting some skinned knees.

As for the mundane events of the day: I am slooowwwwly packing. I am working against this tremendous inertia from sitting around for weeks without having anything immediate to attend to. So now, I'm washing clothes and trying to make lists of things I'm likely to forget but definitely need to have. . . which isn't really the best way to go.

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