When in doubt, just despair and ask for help

That's the valuable lesson for the last couple of days kids!

I won't lie to you, the last couple of days since getting home have been sort of heavy, weighed down by my blasted nostalgia. When I've told people that Dave is moving out on the 1st of June, I've gotten a range of reactions from "Well it's about time" to "How are you doing?" And while it's

1)About time
2)Inevitable and necessary
3)The Right Thing (tm)

That doesn't necessarily make it easy or partylike. I've had to finally confront the reality of getting disengaged, which I've put off doing to some extent for the last couple of months. I got tired of being depressed and weepy, so I put all those anxieties on the shelf. But that has meant taking them back down and putting them in boxes now.

I don't know, I don't think anything I've seen from hollywood or in paperback fictions or any part of actual life has prepared me for this situation. It would be easy if I hated Dave. It would be clear if it was one-sided. But there is so little fanfare involved with a quiet, mutual decision that it's hard to know how to feel about it. I can't really get angry. I can despair about never finding "The One" and spending my life alone, but that's just silly. I can gnaw my knuckles over whether or not I'll ever truly be able to love without fear again, but I know I can, and I sure as hell plan on it.

Sunday night found me crying a bit to sleep. I just felt lost. For the first time in my life, I felt like I didn't know who I was or where I was. I mean, the sure bet in my life WAS Dave. All else could go to hell, but I had someone to love and adventure with. Somebody to come home to, and someone to remind me that I'm not all that bad, and worth having around. BUT then it turned out life just couldn't work out that way.

It makes you question your judgment, which is tricky because logical judgement is only a small fraction of loving a person, but you still can't ignore it. So I cried, and wanted to kick and punch and scream, because it was NOT fair at all. So I asked for help, from whoever maybe could hear me somewhere in the universe.

Did I get help? Did I find myself and direction? Did a big shiny hand from the sky reach down and set me somewhere better?

Naaaaaahhh.

But I DID get to sit home with Dave, on Monday, and just talk about all the crap that I was scared of, and--of course--he knew how I felt. While I'm not going to go through every little line of comforting exchange, I can safely say I just felt relieved. Dave's not leaving altogether--I'm not losing him as a friend. So we make eachother quite unhappy as a couple? so what? That's just how it goes. But we will continue to care about one another. I think that's what I needed to hear: The love we felt wasn't unfounded, just not quite matched for our needs and desires.

And is that really so tragic? Sometimes it feels that way. MANY times I've sat around lamenting that if only Dave could be more of this, or I could be less of that, we'd be perfect and live happily every after. But we're not going to change. It's not some epic misaligning of planets. We are not star-crossed lovers. This just isn't the way we were made to be. It is still sad, but more comforting than "some huge mistake I should have avoided."

So life from Monday evening on was much clear and happy. I didn't feel broken, or adrift, or undeserving of love and friendship. Things are going to be alright.

For anyone who waded through all that: Thanks. Thanks to everyone who's put up with me and my emotions for who knows how long or short a time. I'm not 100%, nor should I be. But yesterday was a gift of a day, and I am better for it.

Now I must also thank Alice for this fun thing!:

A	Accurate
M	Modern
B	Bright
E	Energetic
R	Rare

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