Snow Trek 2009

Today was a serious snow day. Nearly every thing in Madison was shut down: from the metro bus to the UW Madison campus to the 24/7 grocery store. Because the buses weren't running, I ended up not going to work today, which at first was pretty lame. I've got lots of lab work to do before the end of the year, and it's hard to take a day off. But to walk to lab would be l.5-2hours of questionable terrain each way, and the temperature was predicted to drop rapidly as evening approached. It just wasn't worth it.

So it was looking like a stay-in-the-apartment-all-day sort of day, until I realized I had to get my fellow grad student Sarah her paper edits. I contemplated transcribing them into an e-mail, but that was just a little too tedious. So I decided to bundle up in my winter gear and hike over to Sarah's house, which is about 1/2 the distance to lab.

It ended up being a magical adventure day. Over the years I've accumulated good snow pants, boots, gloves, and even a ninja-like mask to cover my face, so I was fully prepared for the journey. Of course, I fell almost immediately after making it outside my door, but thankfully my hip is still young.

Growing up on a country ridge, a blizzard meant you weren't going anywhere or seeing anyone outside your house for a couple days. Here in Madison, well, even serious winter weather isn't nearly as, well, serious. I'm within walking distance of grocery stores and even a Starbucks, for goodness sake! During my trek to Sarah's I greeted many other bundled pedestrians, and even a cute black lab. It was a forced holiday for alot of people, myself included. My mini-vacation was a hike around Madison while the snow was still fresh and clean white.

Once I made it to Sarah's I was able to un-bundle myself and chat over hot cocoa and freshly baked chocolate chip cookies. Since Sarah is graduating in less than 1 month, and I'm entrenched in writing a paper, we rarely see each other, which sometimes makes me sad. On the front end of the graduate school experience we spent alot of time together, but near this end we've just gotten too busy. The snow day surprised me with a chance to catch up!

I managed to make it all the way back home, and now I get to settle in for the rest of the evening. Tomorrow will be frantic catch-up at work, but there is nothing I can do to prevent that. . . time for a long soak in the tub and an evening of putzing around the apartment. Hope everyone had a lovely snow day!

Nervous, but what else is new?

As I’ve said many times over, some of the most worthwhile things in my life have come from just throwing caution to the wind and committing to something I know I want to do but am afraid to do. Things that I know I would not do if I thought too much more about them. The greatest and best example is telling my now-husband Andy that I liked him, even though I was sure there were dozens of reasons it could go awkward and badly.

In the middle of a self-reflection career-planning bout, I pushed to get my 6-month prospectus scheduled with my thesis committee. The 6-month prospectus meeting is basically a final checkpoint on the road to the thesis defense. My understanding is you meet with your thesis committee 6 months before you want to defend your thesis, and discuss with them what needs to be done to be on track for that date. My May-defense deadline was a bit artificial, but very useful in getting this ball rolling. I don’t want to be still in grad school for another summer, and it’s also a good time to be looking for a job, as far as I can tell.

So I talked to my advisor, scheduled a prospectus meeting for far-away November, and felt awesome. I’m on track, you know? I’ve made another step towards the exit. But now that prospectus is waiting for me on the other side of this week (Thursday) and it’s time to get all nervous, because that’s what I do.

Much like the preliminary exam, you hear tales of prospectus meetings going all sorts of different ways, good and bad. One person had a meeting that only went ten minutes. With my husband’s meeting, they told him they felt he could get it all done in less than 6 months! I’ve also heard of meetings where the message was “just because you schedule a defense date doesn’t mean you’re going to graduate.” Eeep!

It’s all going to be fine, because no matter what happens during the meeting, I just can’t be graduate school forever. I just hope it goes well, that I prepared sufficiently, and that I emerge with a sound plan to finish out my time here in graduate school!

Voices in my head

In all the reflecting I've done on "how did I end up in grad school" and "what made me think I'd become a research scientist" I kept coming across a "should" voice. I mean, for lots of decisions I've made there was an "I should ____" attached to it. Like:

I get great grades in my biology and chemistry classes, I should go into science!

I really enjoy learning about science, I should go to grad school and learn more.

My best test scores are in reading comprehension, but I should focus on a high-tech profession because being an English major might mean no job.

This "I should" voice often teamed up with my dreaded "enough" voice and created some very challenging situations:

I'm not moving as fast as other students, I'm not working hard enough. I should be better at this.

I don't think like the other students do. I'm not assertive or extroverted enough, inquisitive enough. I should be better at this.

This morning, as I walked to my lab, I heard the should and enough voices start in, when another voice pipe up:

So what? Who cares what I should do? Who cares if it is enough? Buzz off.

Life is really interesting right now. Yes, there's so much to do to finish my PhD that it threatens to completely overwhelm me at times. I'm human. But with the end in sight I've seen new thoughts emerge. New lines of opportunity. New discoveries about myself and what makes me feel happy and strong, and what makes me feel sad and weak. And recognizing that the former is worth pursuing and the latter isn't worth my time and focus. Being the introvert that I am, all this self discovery is fascinating to me, exhilarating even. And it's all at just the right time to keep me moving forward and out of this door and into a new adventure.

Recognizing personal achievements

I'm a work in progress--isn't everyone? Far from perfect. I find happiness in understanding myself a little better every day, and after many small changes over the months and years sometimes I just realize I've made a big change, for me.

My life is always full of things that stress me out. And in recent years, I've had the inescapable stress of an unending project (my thesis) and its presence has required me to confront how I deal with stress, or pretty much stop functioning.

I still get stressed. Even sometimes so stressed that I have to just go and cry for awhile. But after alot of reading and reflection on the topic, I'm finding these days that I listen to the stress but I don't hold on to it as tightly. The fact is life will always be stressful, but while it's important to acknowledge things that are stressful it's rather useless to worry endlessly about them. So, in line with Marcus Buckingham's "Catch and Hold" strategy for "strong moments" I'm adding a "Catch and Release" strategy for things that stress me out.

I'm proud of this development, because it doesn't change my forward momentum, and may pay off in the long run for my health and happiness. We'll see!

But I'm a creature of habit!

Leo Horoscope for week of October 8, 2009

Leo (July 23-August 22)
Change your password. Take a different way home. Ask a question you've never asked. Dream up a new nickname for yourself. Choose a new lucky number. Change the way you tell the story about an important event in your past. Make it a little more difficult for people to have you pegged. Eat a type of food you've never tried. Do the research necessary to discover why one of your opinions may be wrong. Add a new step to your grooming ritual. Feel appreciation for a person whose charms you've become numb to. Surprise yourself at least once a day.

This morning I was dreaming of a bath and bodyworks scent of lotion that was themed to a particular group of vampires from Vampire: The Masquerade, followed by a dream of a company that rents out birds for various tasks including publicity and amusement. As I dreamt of a green lorikeet rolling comically down a ramp Andy woke me up and said he was headed to work.

And I realized I had lab meeting on campus in 15 minutes. YIKES!

I had to throw my cultivated wake-up routine out the window. Usually I putter over to the kitchen, turn on the stovetop, start the coffee brewing, then cook some bacon and use a bit of the bacon fat for frying an egg. After the egg is flipped once I put the toast in the toaster, and by the time the toast is done the egg is done. I take my breakfast in the living room while staring at either Food Network, HGTV, or the Travel channel. Then I go pick out what to wear, and brush my teeth and put on my makeup. Then it's time to go catch the bus. . .

But today that all got bypassed, and I'm a little disoriented not to have that order early in the morning. Strangely, though, typing it out has helped :)

So instead of an ordered, slow waking up process I basically threw on clothes, and ran out the door, and ended up having a diet Dr. Pepper and a donut for breakfast. I didn't realize how much I depended on my morning routine!

Freewill astrology horoscope for this week: The Wild Goose Chase


Leo (July 23-August 22)
What exactly is a "wild goose chase," anyway? Does it refer to a frenetic and futile hunt for an elusive prey that's never caught? Or might it also mean the meandering pursuit of a tricky quarry that after many convoluted twists and turns results in success and generates a lot of educational fun along the way? Either definition could apply to your wild goose chase in the next three weeks, Leo. Which one will ultimately win out will probably depend on two things: 1. how well you detect the false leads you get; 2. how determined you are to be amused rather than frustrated by all the twists and turns.

I have a good idea what the wild goose is: my future career path. I'm in the midst of information interviewing to determine which career direction I want to pave my way to. Undoubtedly it will not be a straight path. I'm excited about how brave I can be, because although my nature is introverted I love to cast out lines into the world, ready to catch serendipity when it passes by. . .

Rant

Something’s been gnawing on me a little bit, and I just had to “write it out” as opposed to “walk it off” so that I could get on with my day.

A couple weeks ago Andy and I went to go see the GI Joe movie, which pretty much met our low expectations for mindless action fun. But as the credits rolled, I couldn’t help but overhear a guy complaining about the quality of the movie, how the characters were miscast and the plot ridiculous. And I thought to myself, “Which is stupider? This movie, or people who come to this movie expecting some sort of masterpiece?”

Lately, I’ve been thinking about going to see “Julie and Julia” which is two biographies crammed into one movie: one of Julia Child and the other about a blogger who decided to try to cook all the recipes in one of Julia’s books in one year. I read the book of Julie’s blog, which was fluffy, fun, and self-deprecating because Julie isn’t a chef, just some lady trying to find herself through a year-long project. When I suggested an outing to go see it, someone just had to argue that they didn’t want to see the “Julie” parts of the movie because she’s just a blogger and not even a real cook.

Last night, I admitted to some of my friends that I was kinda hooked on the “Twilight” series. I fully admitted that it’s not high-quality reading. That it’s fluff, and not even fluff meant for my age group. Still, someone felt compelled to expound upon why the series was lame, that they couldn’t enjoy it because the vampires glitter in the sunlight, and that if Buffy would show up the whole series would be over! Hah hah!

Sometimes, I just get frustrated because I feel folks are missing the point entirely. I mean, there are some movies, some books, some works of art that are enjoyable because they are excellent, a shining example at the top of their craft. But why do folks feel compelled to rule out fun things because they don’t meet some criteria of excellence? I remember folks who wouldn’t watch the Buffy series simply because of the name. A friend who won’t read Stephen King because he needs a better editor. I remember not reading Harry Potter because I was deep into LOTR and looked down my nose at the latest fantasy fad. When I started reading the Sorcerer’s Stone, I realized I’d been, well, kinda stupid.

Some of my personal frustration is just people not listening to what I’m saying. I say I like something, even though I admit it’s silly. And inevitably someone has to argue how silly something is. All I wanted to do was share. Blargh.

And the other thing is that, in the realm of geekdom, I think it’s important to remember that almost everything we as a subculture enjoy seems stupid or un-classic to another group. And the whole notion that what you like can make you cooler just frustrates the hell out of me. I spent too much of my life feeling like a weirdo for what I liked to turn around and try to find ways to be a snob to people.

My final memory on the topic is a conversation I had long ago with a new grad student at a party. I found out she did role-playing games and so I was trying to find some common ground. The conversation in summary went like this:

Grad student: I'm a girl that does Dungeons and Dragons and that's super rare!
Amber: Hey cool! I've done D&D too! What edition did you play?
Grad student: No, you see, I'm a girl that does Dungeons and Dragons and that's super rare!

There I was, saying "hey you're not alone! There are other girls doing D&D!" and her reaction was along the lines of insisting that she was the only girl gamer alive. Like she couldn't hear me, wouldn't hear me. Because if she was less weird, she'd be less special. It really surprised me, because I've felt weird my whole life, figured other science nerds had felt the same way, and we'd all be so happy to finally belong somewhere. But maybe some people are so used to being the odd person out that they start to find their only satisfaction in staying that way. And maybe the dude at the GI Joe movie could only find satisfaction in finding what was WRONG with a movie. I just think it's sad, but I realize that's just my perspective!

Okay, rant done!

Birthday Eve!

It’s nearly my birthday (July 31st)! It feels cliché to say it’s not that big a deal and I’m not that excited about it, but hey, that’s just how it is. I’ll be 28, which feels simultaneously very old, and yet still farther away from 30 than it feels like I am. I’ll take it!

Times are just really intense right now. It’s potentially the most un-summery of summers. Andy is still trying to find a job, and as the days tick closer to late August, it’s closer and closer to the point where if he doesn’t find a job he won’t be able to establish residency for pharmacy school in Fall of 2010. That puts a real tight clench around my heart, you know? The irony of the situation isn’t really funny anymore: a graduate from one of the most prestigious Microbiology PhD programs in the country can’t get hired? The hardest part for me may be that I myself have never had a job outside of academia. I have no real world experience with job searches and interviews. It’s hard when someone is depending on you to help them with something and you’re not really sure how to help. And it’s one thing for me to decide to swallow my pride and get an hourly job as a cashier or something . . . it’s another to tell someone you love and respect to do it. It’s hard because I know how smart he is, how meticulous, how personable, and it kinda scares the crap out of me that he can’t find something.

All I keep wanting to say is that things are just hard right now. I thought this would be the time for me to hunker down and get my PhD done, that with only one of us in graduate school things would be calmer and less obstructed by worry. But I was just plain wrong.

If I could have anything for my birthday, it would be a job for Andy, or some way to spin the year around to 2010 and be done with all this craziness already. I’m proud to say I haven’t let my worries completely consume me like they used to . . . mostly I just convince myself to not care about it and just keep moving forward. And I’d like to believe that’s all due to a growing inner strength developed from years of graduate school. I just hope I don’t have to sustain this for much longer!

For Alice!

Alice requested I update the blog, which I find funny because usually I’m the one nudging folks to update update update!

Man, I really can’t wait for the year to turn once around. I can’t wait to see where we all end up in July 2010. With Andy having graduated, Sarah and Roger nearing the 6-month prospectus, and me trailing somewhere behind there’s just a lot going on. Layered within the graduation stuff is Andy looking for a job, which isn’t ever easy. Sprinkled on top of it all is a million random challenges large and small. Life seems just too big right now. It can be exhausting. My favorite joke continues to be “years from now we’ll look back at this time and laugh at all the craziness” although I’m not going to claim to know whether it’ll be laughing over how simple a time it was in comparison to the life we’ll be living.

My docket is continually full, but who isn’t busy these days?

On a personal/hobby level: I’m still running with Bethany. I’m still teaching Intermediate Practice for the UW Bellydance Club, taking the Summer Techniques class at the Madison Multicultural Dance Studio, and laughing at myself (due to lack of street cred) in Arielle’s Hip Hop Bellydance Fusion class. And the Isadora workshop is coming up next week, and I’m super excited about that. I’m still crocheting up a storm, although I’ve finished my shawl and on the lookout for a new project.

On a professional level: a recent publication nearly scooped the paper I’ve been working on, so that’s lit a fire underneath both me and my boss to get this paper out the door. No new experiments. I’m in writing lockdown. I’m constantly overwhelmed, but using my experience in running to just keep moving my feet, one in front of the other, towards a distant finish line. I’m not allowed to worry about anything else but getting the paper done. I haven’t decided what my reward is for completing it. I rewarded my completion of the Couch to 5K program with a massage. Andy thinks I should allow myself to get the latest edition of The Sims (which is total Amber crack). I’m thinking maybe something less time consuming. . .

Life is just so big these days that it is exhausting. That’s how it sums up currently. That’s why I’m excited for a year from now. Andy and I might have new jobs, and maybe a house complete with a lady Labrador and a Gentleman pug if we’re lucky. Maybe we’ll actually be able to take a vacation, or even just live a little more slowly. Who knows? See you there :)

Unexpected comfort: Marathons and PhD's

In a way this finding is silly, because I've been saying for a long time that getting your PhD is an emotional endurance race. And yet I never looked to advice on running marathons for advice on working towards a PhD. They do beautifully substitute for one another. I finished "The Nonrunner's Marathon Guide for Women: Get Off Your Butt and On with Your Training" by Dawn Dais last night and almost cried at the final passage because it was so comforting to me, not as someone running a marathon but as someone struggling to finish my PhD some time this century.

Unfortunately I forgot to bring the book with me, so I grabbed some random marathon quotes and replaced running words with PhD words:

To describe the agony of graduate school to someone who's never been in graduate school it is like trying to explain color to someone who was born blind.

Graduate school is a terrible experience: monotonous, heavy, and exhausting. You can actually suffer a little bit more going slowly than when you're going really fast.

A faster PhD might even be easier than a slow one, in terms of what it takes out of you mentally.

Get going. Get up and walk if you have to, but finish the damned PhD.

"Good things come slow - especially in graduate study."

Couch to 5K Progress

My coworker Bethany and I have been working on the Couch to 5K program this spring and have made it through Week 5! I'm excited because our progress has survived a thesis defense and several week in general. AND I do believe the farthest I got in the program last time I tried was Day 1 of Week 5. . . and this time we made it all the way through week 5, including the 20-minute run on day 3. I'm really proud of this progress: I've been focusing on pacing myself, running no faster than I need to and keeping up conversation the whole time. I'm also working on a blog to track my progress, and here's the latest:

W5D3 (June 7, 2009)
The big 20-minute run! Up until now the longest run we’ve done is an 8-minute interval, and now we were jumping to 20! It was a little daunting to think about, but it actually went really smoothly. Bethany and I paced ourselves—we’d promised to start out running SO slow we’d get bored. The slow pace definitely helped keep it manageable. It was more boring than tiring, which was awesome. It’s a lot easier to find ways to entertain than ways to gain endurance. We took the bike path near her apartment, so it was a flat, paved track for us with lots of gardens and dogs and joggers and bikers to see. A day later I’m not really that sore, and after run mainly I just felt sortof dazed. We celebrated the 20-minute run with dinner at Bluephie’s followed by Mario Kart. Awesome. The week ahead brings increased lengths to all intervals, including a 25-minute run on day 3! I definitely think we can do it!

The thing that took me by surprise was that it was so much like our wedding. There was all this nervousness even though all the hard work was over and the day we’d waited for had finally come ‘round. There was the split feeling of wanting to be done with the darn thing already and wanting to savor the day as much as possible. Because every thesis defense I’ve seen as a graduate student, I’ve imagined it was mine. Envisioned how I’d do my introduction and my acknowledgments. And so this talk was the strangest of all for me because it was Andy’s. I’ve seen all the work that went in to the experiments and papers and the thesis itself. It’s still not my defense, but I’m more attached to it than any other defense.

There’s also the anticlimactic nature of it all. 6 years of our lives have been driven towards this point. Innumerable long night time walks where we’ve talked over our research and the seeming endlessness of the PhD program. Like we’d never get there. And now one of us has!

I cannot lie: I am jealous. A graduate student is naturally competitive, and it’s always been a challenge to share his joy when his experiments worked when mine were failing. To be happy for him as a spouse instead of a colleague. And oh how badly I want to be up there giving my defense. Acting the expert and being so beyond it all. But I’m reminded of how much work I have yet to go. How many more miles before I sleep. But I will get there.

Andy’s talk went brilliantly. Today he was a scientist and an expert in his field. I’m so proud of him and I continue to feel like he’s just too darn good for me, and that’s how it should be.

Now he’s at home, hopefully taking a nap. He kept saying “It hasn’t sunk in yet. It isn’t real yet.” And I can imagine how that feels. How do you turn the corner after walking down a street for six years? Happily, of course. But the momentum of those years is great, always driving forward with no end in sight. And here it is!

It continues to be a strange existence as both fellow graduate student and wife, but I’m enjoying the challenge! Although I think I could use a nap too. . .

Right now is a strange time. I usually say it’s a crazy time, but I think strange, and maybe wonderful covers it better. Andy’s defending his thesis this coming Tuesday, and I’ve managed to wrestle together a rough draft of my paper whilst chugging away on remaining research for it. It’s the kind of time where it mostly seems best to keep your eyes on the ground and keep stepping forward, because the big picture is almost too big. You spend so many years imagining the thesis defense, and suddenly his is here! It’s one of those events that reminds you how much time has passed and how distant this time used to seem.

It’s strange to think about only one of us being in graduate school. We’ve stayed parallel up until now. It’s the end of one phase and the beginning of another, and I guess I could be terrified about such change but I’m feeling calm and ready. That’s part of what I think has made this time strange is that feel like I can handle things. Like my tires are finally gripping the road. Even though I’m not even the one graduating. Maybe it’s that I’ve seen Andy go through it and seen that it’s difficult but not impossible. I can do that. I can write my papers and my thesis and graduate. Hmm. I didn’t really even come to that conclusion until I typed this entry.

In summary, it’s a strange time and I’m diggin’ it. It’s nearly summer here in Madison, and the undergrads have gone home. Bethany and I are running the Couch to 5K program and we’re on week 4 and it’s not killin’ me. I’ve almost finished my first big crochet project: a throw blanket. We’ve caught 3 mice in our apartment in the last month, and had a bat show up during a seminar. I’ve got nothing to complain about, and plenty to do. Now it’s time for the summer to fly by!

Well, you can always tell when I have a big project to work on because it’s proportional to the cleanliness of my apartment. Yes, I procrastinate by cleaning. And I’m at home all the week to battle my paper into a coherent, complete rough draft so . . .the dishes are clean, the table cleared off, and all my clothes either hung in the closet or sorted into hampers. The good thing is that I know myself well enough by now to expect this as “part of the process” even though I wish I was awesome enough to skip the cleaning step.

This last Saturday was the big “career day” for people with PhD’s in the life sciences, and as I’ve mentioned on Facebook I should have realized it wouldn’t narrow my focus for jobs, only increase the number of non-academic jobs I’d be interested in. During my procrastinatory cleaning session it occurred to me that I’d gained some valuable insight on things I’m NOT interested in.

I’ve always known I was a little different from many graduate students in my program. Or at least the really vocal ones. They make statements like “I can’t imagine being anything but a professor” or “I love thinking up new experiments” or “With this job I’d just be doing experiments someone else tells me to . . . ugh how awful!”

Thing is, I love “benchwork” itself. Pipetting things is calming. I like the hands-on stuff. It can be boring sometimes, yeah, but it’s actually the part I think I’d miss. What stresses me out is planning experiments when my brain can think of 500 reasons why it won’t work. Or 100 reasons why my confusing results might mean the end of my project. At this point, I understand that the part of becoming a true scientist is understanding how little you actually know compared to what there is to know. That having a brain that can come up with 500 reasons why something won’t work makes you a good troubleshooter. And throughout the career talks from folks who had “left the bench” there was the “con” that you don’t make the scientific discoveries yourself, as though you’d be giving up some huge benefit, and yet I don’t really feel I get a lot out of the few discoveries I’ve made, because it just means more experiments. I don’t think scientific discovery is where I belong. There. I said it.

So where do I fit in to science? That’s the latest mystery to me. I know I’ll always keep science with me, but in what way? There are still places where I’d be at the bench, such as diagnostic labs or forensic labs. Or I could step away from the bench completely and be a science writer or technical communicator. And then there was the talk from the K12 teacher at the private school in North Carolina . . . who basically refuted the reasons I’ve always completely written off being a K12 teacher: no pay and no respect. I know I’ve got to just start information-interviewing people in all these jobs. Try on as many hats as I can, face-to-face.

Whatever I decide, I do need to get this paper done, and I know that, like cleaning my apartment, I tend to distract myself with anything other than the true task at hand, distract even with something more complex like my future career. Which is kindof silly when I think about it. Oh well.

Muppet Belt Complete!

Things got so busy I forgot to mention I completed my "muppet belt" for bellydance. I took it for a test drive in Level 2B practice and it behaved nicely, ESPECIALLY on twisting movements. I agree with Greta that the crochet will likely stretch over time, so I'll need to reinforce it. Here's a photo of one end completed. . . If I get any action photos I'll post em'

 

Separation Anxiety

“You’ve come at the perfect time!” I told my parents about a million times this weekend. I could have meant the weather, which was sunny, clear, and mid-fifties (contrasting last year’s visit in March where we were all snowed in together for the visit). The daffodils were just starting to come up here, and they’d get to see spring happen all over again for their visit. But really, Mom and Dad’s visit for Easter weekend was something I had been waiting for all week at the very least. Potentially all month? And of course I’ll never be able to tease apart how much of my frustration with everything else was just a result of my anticipation for their arrival. But I felt like they arrived at the perfect time.

This year is hard. Hard in ways that I’m sure seem laughable to a lot of people, because honestly we have jobs, our health, and very few things to worry about except graduate school. I fully realize it could be harder. Could be more complicated. But that doesn’t mean it isn’t both those things. Andy’s going to graduate in May, which leaves him stressed and anxious above and beyond his normally easy-going self. I’m STILL struggling to write my first paper so I can get that much closer to graduating, and it feels like one of those dreams where the monster is chasing you and you want so badly to run but your feet seem glued. I make agonizingly slow progress towards my goal, and many days I feel helpless to make it all go any faster, even though it’s exactly what I need to do to get out of graduate school with the PhD. I don’t want to be in school this time next year. I want to move on with my life. But on to what? Oh man, let’s not go down that path today.

I put all the worrying on hold for this visit, because I see my parents so rarely now. I can’t tell you how many years of my life I spent yearning to get away from my house and hometown and on to exciting grown-up things. But I suspect I don’t have to tell anyone, because perhaps we all felt that way once. Now—in what seems a textbook Cruel Twist of Fate—I find it harder and harder to leave my family. So much so that currently I have that awful knot in my chest that pretty much screams I can’t let them go. They can’t leave. I can’t go back to being the adult again. . . And that’s really what it’s all about. When they are around I can sometimes pretend I’m just their kid again, and not worry about the rest of my life. We have so much fun together, and I am reminded again and again where I came from. How parts of me I thought peculiar come from them. My sense of humor, my obsessive worrying, my eyes and my skin. But every time I see them they seem a little bit older. I realized recently that they are grandparent age, which seems scarier than actually having a kid of my own. Here’s where I could go on and on about mortality, but I don’t think I need to. Suffice it to say that the time I spend with them seems only more precious. It’s a funny blessing to have parents you enjoy being around.

They’re going to head back to WV tomorrow and I’ll head back to work. On the bright side, the Spring Bellydancing UW show was this last Saturday and my parents got to see me perform bellydance live for the first time, and our performance went really well. I could fill a whole extra entry about the show, but I’ll keep it to this thought: the hard work paid off better than I imagined it would. This will be my last Club Show and perhaps a little bit of that knot in my chest belongs to it too. But also I’m glad to have that time commitment off my schedule.

The thing is, I need to get a lot of work done in the weeks ahead if I want to graduate anytime soon. At least I’m at the point where I know I need to get out. At least I know a bit about what I DO NOT want to do for a living.

Bellydance "Muppet Belt"

Ok, here's my attempt to re-create a muppet-like yarn belt I saw at a recent bellydance workshop. After doing some research online I was able to determine that the belt base was crocheted, with yarn fringe looped into it. Here is Muppet Belt Prototype 1:




I had to teach myself to crochet, so this was in part to let me practice a single-stitch pattern and make sure I could maintain a consistent number of stitches on each row. Once I had enough stitches I used this prototype to play with yarn fringe. Things looked promising so I moved on to creating an actual dance belt:




You know, I had a heck of a time finding a crocheted bellydance belt until I realized a belt was usually a REALLY long scarf. So I made a scarf 18 stitches long and just worked at it until I got something long enough to fit around my hips. Then I used really long fringe on either side to give me something to tie it on. The fringe is just long strands of the same black yarn attached to the ends with a lark's head knot.

So now I'm in the process of adding colorful yarn as fringe to the bottom of the belt. I decided to get one really colorful, dread-like yarn and then work with other textures that match a color in that yarn. So I've got some wavy golden yellow, blue suede, and black fun fur!






I'll post when I get all this fringe done!

I feel like my life hums in and out of a solid, coherent state. Some days everything is just too much and I want to hide underneath my blanket and cry. There is too much to do, not enough time to do it, and it should have been done months ago. Other times I feel as efficient as a machine, getting a million things done in one day, checking items off the list. What was I so worried about? I think to myself. This is doable, and now is the perfect time for each task. This Monday was really efficient for me. I came in early, and used the extra time to tie up random loose ends that have accumulated over the weeks:

Sending out the next e-mail for Life Sciences Career Day
Moving an experiment to completion
Ordering lots of items that are running low in lab
Getting our 2008 taxes near completion
Sending out all the birthday cards that needed sending
Updating the jewelry insurance
Sorting random junk mail

Days like that remind me that I’m happiest when I’m busy. Sometimes I bully myself about not getting enough done, and that’s unfair. I think I expect to get more done than is humanly possible, and I can’t often meet my silly standards. Maybe someday we’ll meet in the middle. I’m just hoping this “getting’ it done” phase lasts for a while longer. I’ve got so much to do it hurts, you know? Then again, so does everyone else.

My current, sudden passion is crochet, which happened by chance: at the shimmy workshop the teacher had this fantastic hip belt that was a fantastic array of yarn colors and textures, creating a fringe belt that was, yes, a bit muppet-like but ultimately cheerful with great movement. Researching that kind of belt online I was able to determine its construction: the belt base is crocheted, and then all the various yarns are attached to the loops of the crochet. So I decided to teach myself how, and within two days I’ve kinda gone off the deep end. I’ve lost myself to it for hours at a time, and it’s wonderful to have the brain so occupied, so consumed that it can’t get overwhelmed by the rest of life. But of course you can’t ignore the rest of life forever. We’ll see how long this current passion lasts: I love starting projects more than keeping with them.

Running In Heels

Ok, I’ll admit I’m someone who enjoys reality shows. But by now there are lots of subgenres to reality shows, so I’ll specify: I like reality shows that let you see what someone else’s reality is like. My current indulgence is “Running in Heels” on the Style Network, which follows three interns at Marie Claire magazine.

I’ve done internships before, but of course those were at research labs, not magazine headquarters. Is there common ground to be found here?

Nope. And that’s what makes it fun.

As far as I can tell, based on this show alone, being an intern means you mostly run random errands for those higher up than yourself. By luck or hard work you end up eventually getting to help out with more interesting things, but there are no illusions about the fact that you are everyone’s beeotch.

Something about all of this feels refreshing and escapist. Perhaps that your work is straightforward: everyone else tells you what to do and you do it, and gain success by doing it well and reliably.

Oh and there’s lots of infighting and competition amongst the interns. And perhaps this squabbling is the *most* fun, because there are three interns featured and one of them, the D.C. intern, is extremely insecure and competitive. Every time one of her peers succeeds, it is unfair or the other person cheated. They couldn’t have actually deserved the praise. This intern focuses all her energy on knocking down or ganging up on the other interns, at the expense of actually focusing on doing anything right. Within three shows she’s switched alliances between looking down her nose (along with the Californian intern) at the Midwestern intern for her behaviour at a party to linking up with that same Midwestern intern to mock the Californian. D.C. intern swivels back in forth trying to gain support of one intern against the other. It will be fun to see with the other side of the triangle, a Midwest-California intern union, works together against her. It’s classic girl drama.

I guess in the end I love this show because it reminds me how much I’ve learned/grown in my life so far, even if I have lots of work ahead of me. When the head of Marie Claire told the interns they clearly hadn’t actually studied any magazines ever, they all reeled and acted like they had been torn a new one. I had to laugh, because statements like that are clear “putting the fear of God into you” statements. She’s putting the scary front forward to get them to respect her and listen to her, but I doubt she actually thinks they’ve never read a magazine. And overall their work just doesn’t seem that hard. Yeah, it requires you to have no other life, but you’re just paying your dues. Not that I’m an expert on the fashion industry, it’s just interesting to see how another industry lives.

Aaaaand BREAK!

Whoah, it’s spring break? When did that happen?

My first clue was that my building was devoid of undergrads claiming every square foot of table space with laptops and papers spread out “just so.” Then I noticed the buses were less crowded. There was even less traffic? Yep, it’s Spring Break already. For grad students like myself, this is really all it means: fewer undergrads. Like me, most grad students aren’t even changing their work pattern, let alone going anywhere fun. But as sad as that is, it’s still a sort of vacation from all the undergraduate-related crowding, noise, and mess.

It’s also a slight bellydance break for me, which is actually good. I think I’ve taken on one too many dance activities this semester, and with extra show practices it was getting a bit crazy. Lots of sore muscles and exhausted 10PM’s for me. But I DO have some pretty nice upper body muscley-ness going on, which is fun, and rare.

The weather is actually warm right now, so Andy and I took walks on Saturday and Sunday around the neighborhood, scoping out houses, dogs, etc. I had to joke that this was our way of affirming ourselves as more than just lab rats. See? We could go outside in the daylight! I like our walks together, because we talk about our lives together and generally catch up on our current state. And I love picking out houses we like, paint colors, landscaping . . . even though we likely can’t afford any of it.

There’s plenty of big stuff to look forward to in the months ahead. Highest on my list is Andy defending his thesis at the end of May. I’m sure it’s more terrifying to him than it is to me, but I’m still kindof breathless about it. “You’ll be FREE” I keep telling him. I’m oh-so-jealous. But in the meantime I realize he’s going to need lots of support and patience, so I’m hoping to get myself in order to be the less-stressed one. That’s how it works best, when we take turns being stressed. Ironically, I’ll probably actually be very stressed but oh well.

The Spring UW Bellydance show is coming up, so that will be awesome and all-consuming until it’s done, and then it will be a little sad. I’ll go through dance withdrawl all over again. Of course, there’s still plenty of stuff going on in the dance community, and I need to remember that I hope to graduate from studio class level 2B to 3: a big step up in challenge and intensity!

Career exploration has been one big push to get some contacts for information interviewing, and now I need to push myself again to actually meet with these wonderful people. I need to figure out if this career I’m thinking about A) Is what I think it is, and B) Is something I could actually get into after graduating. Once I figure that out, and assuming all looks good, I’ll need to choose a date to finish and just push through all this work I have ahead of me. “Just”. Hah!

Lights, bushels, etc.

God bless my husband. Whatever show we were watching on TV ended, and on came one of my favorite trashy shows “Fashion Police: Oscars Edition.” It’s all just a big saucer-of-milk catty comment fest focused on what the stars were wearing at the Oscars (or other awards show). I expected Andy to retreat to the computer room, but he stuck with me. We watched a few dresses together, and to my surprise he had a lot of opinions about color, design, jewelry. And maybe even more surprising was that the fashion experts on the show echoed his opinions.

Fact is, Andy continually surprises me. In this case, he has always claimed to have no fashion sense and yet every opinion he voices is in line with those expert in the category. He hid that light under a bushel, you know? And sometimes I wonder what lights I’m hiding and people would be surprised to see. I become tempted to make a value judgement on hiding versus shining lights. It seems great to shine you light, but it’s a lot of pressure and people come to expect it continually from you. But if you hid the light, you are underestimated, but able to surprise at key moments. Hmmm. Just something to think about for today.

Microsteps

“Microsteps” is a term I picked up recently from a book I’m reading about introverts. A microstep is a movement so small it may seem nearly imperceptible, and yet still it moves you forward. By tiny movements forward, you make progress without overwhelming. It’s a tough thing for a spazmo like me, because I always want to try harder than I need to, and then get overwhelmed when I actually TRY to do that much.

It reminds me of learning Jiu Jitsu: I was working with this tiny, fierce lady whose name I can’t remember. As we went through one particular move, she shook her head, and pointed out: “You’re taking too many steps. More steps than you need to. Stop thinking about the move and just DO it.” I took a deep breath, shut off my brain and just did the move, quickly and without a lot of fancy stepping: the move went seamlessly.

Many years later, I was in an Argentine Tango class and having trouble. I kept losing my balance, kept getting yelled at for making my moves too big. “You have to collect your feet” one of the dancers advised me. Collect my feet? The phrase means to return your balance to underneath yourself after every step. Especially for such a close, subtle dance like Argentine tango, you have to always be collected and in control of your own balance, though you might lean a little into your partner.

A year or two after that, I found myself learning another lesson in bellydance: turning. From my early days in ballet, I wanted to whip around, up high on my toes. But that was a big no-no. Basic turns in Middle Eastern Dance, I found, were actually just walking. Your feet kept going calmly forward while you turned over yourself.

And now here I am, working very hard on my shimmies. The shimmy we’re learning starts simply: alternately bending and relaxing your knees to get your hips moving up and down on each side. By drilling it slowly, I can get up to the middle pace and keep the movement relaxed, but at fast speeds my knees tense up and the movement becomes a shiver. “It’s just that your legs are moving SO FAST” observed my teacher about a year ago. It was only yesterday that I realized I might be trying to do the move an order of magnitude faster than I need to.

It all comes back to how I’ve treated academic challenges in life up until graduate school: I’ve thrown myself into the assignment—typically at the last minute—I’ve overextended myself to get the task perfect. But there is no calm control in this approach: I try to do too much, too late, and expect it to be too perfect. And I’ve gotten by with that approach for a long time, with much success. But long before this flailing approach failed in graduate school, I was already being told it didn’t work in Jiu Jitsu, tango, and bellydance. Maybe the body is just more honest, or maybe I just can’t wield it as well as my brain.

I’m starting to see the value of the microstep. Of the small movement that seems too easy, but is all you really need to move forward, and leaves you ready to make another microstep, instead of flailing about and losing balance and focus. We’ll see how this impatient young lady can implement this concept . . .

Today’s weather is foggy, snowy. Quiet. And that’s really ok with me. I fully realize that life-craziness is highly dependant on both outside and internal forces: sometimes outside craziness just rolls off your back, and sometimes it hooks into you like a burr. Last week it was just too hard to shake off the stress. I’m not trying to say my life is crazier than yours, more that I was having trouble shaking it last week.

And I’m not saying, really, that this week is any easier. External forces remain constant: writing a journal article, trying to move my project forward. Practicing how to teach bellydance, learning 3 separate choreographies . . . beginning to design my own choreography for the first time. I’m still immersing myself in the self-help section of the bookstore, learning to embrace my introverted self and stop brushing my right-brain-ness to the side. In tiny microsteps I’m trying to move my career exploration further. That is starting to gel a bit, so I’m waiting to see if I feel the same way as the days pass over it. I might have an idea, the vaguest hint of a plan. My worry—as with all decisions I make—is that my mind will change and I’ll be trapped somewhere I don’t want to be.

My freewill astrology horoscope is exciting this week, and maybe I’ll apply the idea to this whole life-path thing:

"Dear Rob: In my dream last night, I was playing with a lion in my garden. Suddenly it jumped up, put its paws on my shoulders, and got face-to-face with me. I realized it could either swallow my head or kiss me. I was excited by the possibility of the kiss and also scared because I sensed it wanted something from me but I didn't know what. Can you offer any insight? -Leo in Limbo." Dear Leo: A lot of Leos are dealing with themes like this right now. Here's how I'd sum them up: The thing that's most appealing to you happens to be wild. You need to exercise caution even as you go forward to engage with it more intimately. Just as you want something from it, it's asking for something in return. You'll have to know exactly what that is in order to protect yourself from its wildness.

What does the wild thing want?

Veil work

Last Saturday night, we were all over at Roger’s to watch some more of Season 1 Heroes. I joked that although there was an awesome “80’s versus 90’s” music battle going on at Club Majestic, I wouldn’t be going because I was an old fogie who didn’t boogie down anymore. To which Andy astutely replied: “yeah right, and just how many bellydance events are you going to tomorrow?”

Two. And I couldn’t be happier about that! Actually, one was just a council meeting, but the second was our first practice of the club advanced piece for the spring show in April. I’ve been practically gasping to get this started, because I get to dance with veil and I’m so excited to learn it.

My mom has pointed out that I was actually in my first dance performance around age 3, and it was with scarves. I don’t remember that, but I DO remember trying to make a ribbon stick—like the rhythmic gymnasts use—out of a twig and toilet paper. TP can’t withstand high velocities, it turns out: it kept breaking every time I’d flick it around.

The point here is, I’ve always loved dancing, even though I forgot I did for most of my adult life. It brings me such absolute joy, and I’m so happy to have an activity that counters the stress and challenge of grad school. And I definitely felt bellydance withdrawl over the weeks when no classes had started up, and practices had yet to begin. And now here we are! I was wiped out by studio practice on Thursday, and after last night my shoulders are a little funky, and my right hamstring just continues to be cranky despite stretching. It’s all awesome. I like hearing what my body has to say, because when I get stressed I feel like a kite floating miles above my body.

Veil work is challenging. I mean, at first blush it seems like it should be easier: a light, floating piece of silk that is much flashier than anything you can do with your body. But I’ve heard the phrase “the veil never lies” before, and I get it. If your posture and arm carriage is bad: it highlights it. If your movement of the veil is off, it looks awkward. Not to mention that dancing with any prop adds probability for error in your performance.

But heck, it’s so darn pretty!

Here's a link to my **FAVORITE** dancer, doing amazing veil work (as always)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zx2MxOVp1Rk

In other news: I dreamt that I went to Washington D.C. and was sitting at a kitchen table with President Barack Obama. There were lots of people at the table and we were sharing jokes and laughing. I’ve never really dreamed of a president before, and I had this weird sense of knowing him really well even though I’ve never met him. It’s probably just media over-exposure and celebrity. But it was a cool dream nonetheless!

Simultaneous

These days, I’m amazed at my own ability/propensity to be multiple things at once. For instance, today I feel completely nervous about graduate school (again). When will I finish? What will I do next? Am I working hard enough?

Simultaneously, I’m not worried about anything at all. Andy had his 6-month prospectus meeting yesterday, and it went splendidly. His committee thinks he’ll be ready to graduate in 6 months (actually, they think less than THAT). We had such a nice evening out with Sarah and Roger for a fancy, celebratory dinner, and then home to watch another fresh episode of LOST.

I’m in this flux of emotions, where I’m so nervous for my own future, so critical of everything I have and haven’t done. . . but each wave of anxiety is answered back with an equal or greater wave of glowing calm: who really cares about the anxieties of grad school when all these other things in my life are so damn good? I often lament that I don’t know what I want to do for a living. That I can’t find the fire in my belly. Can’t narrow down a true calling. But right now I think it’s pretty silly to worry about those things. And I like having the energy to laugh at them.

I know the months ahead are going to continue to be a whirlwind. It’s just all momentous. Andy will be finishing up, and I’ll be working to do the same. We’ll both need to identify new jobs, and I’m so excited for our life together outside of grad school. My brain’s nature is to race ahead and neglect the present, however, so I’m trying not to wholly live in the future, and try living in *today* you dig?


Most of the good things in my life have come through a willingness to set aside fear and take a brave chance. So hear we go!

I just don’t do Mondays

Today I learned that no amount of sleep or relaxedness can prevent my weekly Monday morning anxiety. I went to bed early last night. Finished my book. Went to sleep at a decent hour. Woke up only a little early. The minute I walk into this darn building, I’m already starting to clench up and feel overwhelmed. I get into lab and of course my bacterial colonies never grew: the experiment, once again, didn’t work for mysterious reasons. The experiment I spent a great deal of the weekend checking in on and working my schedule around. Down the tubes.

This is the part that drives me crazy about scientific research: I get my act together and do my experiment, and depending on some sort of mysterious life force it works or doesn’t. I try to be patient. I try to examine the variables. I try to remove all emotional attachment from whether or not the experiment works, but find that impossible. The sooner it works, the more is done for my paper. The sooner my paper is done, the closer I am to graduating. Ugh.

I’m just sooo ready to not feel on edge like this. To actually feel like I’m doing enough, and making progress that has a direct relationship to how much effort I put into it. To feel smart. To feel competent. To feel helpful and appreciated. Blargh.

It’s just one of those Mondays. Soon the week will pick up and I’ll have plenty to keep me busy and moving forward. But until then. . . yuck.

Okay, to brighten things up a bit: One of my career books asked me to imagine my ideal life, and I’ve detailed that on here before (It basically boiled down to a house with trees and pets, and time to read and dance). A smaller version of this exercise that I like to think about before bed is not “the ideal life” but instead “the ideal afternoon.” So here is my ideal afternoon:

It’s summertime, when the weather is warm and the undergrads are out of town. In my ideal afternoon, I’m sitting at the Union Terrace with a good book in hand—lately I see something slightly literary like a Faulkner novel. I love the terrace in the summer: everyone is escaping from somewhere to slip off to the terrace for a beer with friends. The people-watching is fantastic. I’m sitting on one of those cheerful metal chairs with my book and a cold beverage, looking out occasionally at the sailboats out on Lake Mendota. I’m wearing a cute strappy sundress, sunglasses, and usually my hair is in short pigtails. I’ve got some cheery nailpolish on my toes, and I can wiggle them in the warm air. At my feet is a dog—sometimes it’s a cute pug and sometimes it’s a sleek lab. In my ideal afternoon I’m waiting for Andy to show up from somewhere, but that’s the only time constraint. I think to myself: maybe the dog and I will take a walk along the lakeshore path in a little while. Or maybe we’ll just sit here. When Andy shows up we’ll get some Babcock ice cream.

That’s my ideal afternoon. It’s usually a variation on location and outfit, but the relaxing, reading, and having little to do remains the same. I encourage anyone to think about their ideal afternoon: it’s the nicest thing to think about before drifting off to sleep.

It’s going to sound silly, but . . .

It’s going to sound silly, but last night I dreamt I was singing. Awesome, joyful, soulful singing about some sort of song of finally being free. I also dreamt I was getting ready to perform again for Pippin/Godspell, and I couldn’t remember the opening words to my solo as Grandma Bertha: “It’s time to start livin”

I woke up, and remembered the words:

Oh, it’s time to start livin’
Time to start taking from this world I’m given
Time to take time, cause spring will turn to fall
In just no time at all.

Anyway, I didn’t really think of my singing dream until the inauguration started, and Aretha started singing. Nah, hadn’t been singing “My Country Tis’ of Thee” in my dream. But it did make me wonder who was really singing in the dream. Was it just me? Or was the country singing and I was joining along? I’ll never know, and I’ll never claim to know. I like to think that the joy we’re feeling today is tangible, communicable even. And I’m glad to share it, waking or sleeping.

I watched the inauguration in the main lecture hall of the Microbial Sciences Building. There was cheering and clapping throughout, but my favorite outburst was in response to Obama’s claim that we will make decisions based on facts and data, to which someone cheered “DATA! YEAH!” We scientists have been waiting to hear that for some time.

Impatience

That’s me right now, or at least one side of my coin at the moment (the other side is mildly stomach achey and withdrawn, and typing everything backwards). I just feel impatient.

Partly it is this time of year: the window between New Year’s and the start of the new academic term at UW, where nothing is scheduled and things are open for limited hours at best. Mainly I’m impatient for all the bellydance goodness to start up again, although I know once it gets going I’ll be kindof ridiculously busy: I’ll be doing club practice, show practice, and two studio classes (one will be hip-hop fusion!). My first studio class was frozen out last week, which bummed me out greatly. As for the rest, I’m sure it will start soon, and I’m being good and not harassing people to tell me when it all starts.

I’ve also signed up for a basic sewing class, because even though I know I can sew basic things, I’ve kindof learned as I went and I think I may be doing some things slightly wrong, which will be fine for basic stuff but could be trouble with more complicated sewing projects. But that class doesn’t start till February.

And then there is the general impatience for it to be spring already. It’s so silly: it’s January for goodness sake. It can’t be spring for awhile, especially here. But already I’ve got this lust for green plants and tropical scents.

The thing is, I’ve got lots of science work to get done, and in part I just want to somehow fast-forward and have it all done instead of doing it. We all know that’s physically impossible. So I guess I’m picking every shiny, more “fun” thing I can think of to do instead. I am all too familiar with my procrastination habits by now. Ugh. I know I need to be chanting “Move! Move! Move!” and just get to work. Just freaking HURL myself at it. But knowing what you need to do, and doing it are two different CONTINENTS, man.

Luxurious Saturday

After spending most of last weekend in lab, it has felt awesome to spend this Saturday mostly at home, just putzing around. A hot bath and "Country Living" magazine, a stretchy round of yoga followed up with coffee. . . Oh man does it feel good, even if it's just a brief respite.

As I may have stated before on here, I'm an INFP. INFP is a personality classification that, in this case, stands for Introverted iNtuitive Feeling Perceiving. This, of course, makes me sound like kindof a wishy-washy, wussy type. Then again, is that such a bad thing? Anyway, I'm most definitely an INFP whether I like it or not. I was perusing a facebook page for INFP's today, and stumbled across two key statements in the careers section that gave me that "slap up side the head, DUH" feeling:

I do not enjoy the detail (of research)...and that makes me feel lazy, which I am not, I have ridiculous amounts of energy, but ONLY for the things i am passionate in.


I think in general, since us INFPs are such imaginative people, there are many things we would like to do, and for some of us it's hard to decide or let go of our "ideal" career (that is not our thing.)

Man, I feel that way alot, and it sure does help to know I'm not alone on it. Reading about INFP's, I get the sense that I might not be specifically "built" for doing research, but that perhaps I'm stretching myself to see just how far I can go. And then I think, oh man, what am I doing trying to be something so different from myself? And then my brain reminds me that there is value in stretching yourself beyond your perceived limits. This thought entered my head:

"Humans take swimming lessons even though they aren't fish"

I mean, compared to fish, we will always suck royally at swimming. We aren't even really aquatic animals (aquatic ape theory aside). And yet, there's value in learning how to swim, unnatural as it may seem. I've been stuck with alot of drowning imagery in regards to my PhD work, and so maybe this will be a more valuable, positive way to think of it. Maybe I'm a human swimming with fishes, but I'm still swimming, not drowning.

Ok, back to cleaning up the apartment, just a little.

January just isn’t my favorite month. Ok, aside from my lil’ sis being born in it. I think the most positive thing I can remember about January was when I was in undergrad and, after a long, boring time at home in WV I couldn’t wait to get back to Hiram.

After all the fuss, the parties of the holiday season, January’s kindof a letdown, isn’t it? I mean, looking forward to the New Year was great because you could see all the great things you could do in the next year. . . but without having to actually DO them.

Frankly, January—and February for that matter—are my least favorite months of the year. Especially in Wisconsin, it’s just two months of cold and snow that I have to bear out to get to Spring. Although Spring doesn’t come in March, really, but still.

And I guess with the last three paragraphs I’ve kicked around, what I’m trying to say is that I don’t like living in this month or the next. I mean, geez, I know that there are all these amazing things ahead this year for us. The Obama presidency for one! Signs are looking good for Andy to graduate this year, which is a huge awesome thing.

What I’m struggling with is where I fit in to 2009. Will I finish my PhD this year? Will I find a job? What path am I going to take? Is it going to be Academia? Biotech? Clinical? Am I going to leave the bench entirely and just write or be a florist or something? Yeah, here’s 2009 in a nutshell for me, currently:

???

It should be exciting. Oh heck, it WILL be exciting. But for right now it kindof makes me, well, ill with the uncertainy of it. Truth is, I really like to be in control of everything, even though that’s impossible. And it’s silly because all of this will bear out one way or another, and it will very likely turn out just fine. Maybe it’s just the immensity of it all, because this year is a transitional year, and I just can’t figure out where I fit into it yet.

Oh well, it will be March before I know it.