This Is Nothing

Insane Graduate School Edition

5/26/2009

The thing that took me by surprise was that it was so much like our wedding. There was all this nervousness even though all the hard work was over and the day we’d waited for had finally come ‘round. There was the split feeling of wanting to be done with the darn thing already and wanting to savor the day as much as possible. Because every thesis defense I’ve seen as a graduate student, I’ve imagined it was mine. Envisioned how I’d do my introduction and my acknowledgments. And so this talk was the strangest of all for me because it was Andy’s. I’ve seen all the work that went in to the experiments and papers and the thesis itself. It’s still not my defense, but I’m more attached to it than any other defense.

There’s also the anticlimactic nature of it all. 6 years of our lives have been driven towards this point. Innumerable long night time walks where we’ve talked over our research and the seeming endlessness of the PhD program. Like we’d never get there. And now one of us has!

I cannot lie: I am jealous. A graduate student is naturally competitive, and it’s always been a challenge to share his joy when his experiments worked when mine were failing. To be happy for him as a spouse instead of a colleague. And oh how badly I want to be up there giving my defense. Acting the expert and being so beyond it all. But I’m reminded of how much work I have yet to go. How many more miles before I sleep. But I will get there.

Andy’s talk went brilliantly. Today he was a scientist and an expert in his field. I’m so proud of him and I continue to feel like he’s just too darn good for me, and that’s how it should be.

Now he’s at home, hopefully taking a nap. He kept saying “It hasn’t sunk in yet. It isn’t real yet.” And I can imagine how that feels. How do you turn the corner after walking down a street for six years? Happily, of course. But the momentum of those years is great, always driving forward with no end in sight. And here it is!

It continues to be a strange existence as both fellow graduate student and wife, but I’m enjoying the challenge! Although I think I could use a nap too. . .

0 Comments:

Post a Comment

<< Home