Self-realization x 1-kajillion

It’s another one of those “crunch times” folks. I don’t know, sometimes I feel like in my life there are only “crunch times” and “recovery times” and what I’d love to have is mostly “hummin’ along times” with an interspersing of crunch and recovery.

But then I find that I slide always into one extreme or the other. Can’t get any work done unless it’s ALL work and it’s ALL on a too-looming deadline. And everything takes so long to do right. Which makes ever looming project seem impossible.

Well, lately it’s all come to head, because:
1. Now it’s the holidays too.
2. It’s looking like Andy will graduate soonish, and I *maybe* I have an end in sight.
3. There are so many good things in my life, like dance and Andy, and I’m not enjoying them because I’m always guilty I should be working.

So in addition to reading journal articles and drafts of my paper, I’m also chipping away at two self-help books: one on anxiety, and one on perfectionism. It’s a recent realization on my part that I’m a perfectionist. It’s a concept I’ve found laughable, because my gut response is “I’m SO not even close to being perfect.”

If I was a perfectionist, wouldn’t everything be perfect, neat, and in control and I’d be mostly driving OTHER people crazy with it all? Wouldn’t I be inhumanly on top of it all?

Oooh, the evil reality of it all: I place myself so far away from perfect BECAUSE I’m a perfectionist. I will always consider my life, apartment, and appearance shamefully un-perfect because I am a perfectionist.

Every page I read from this darn book. . . it’s like a boot to the head coupled with the thought “Good lord, that’s ME.” The constant need to avoid making ANY mistake. The need to always be right, or even feeling I’m right by not being correct somehow. Never wanting to start a project, practice an instrument, try anything new because if I can’t do it perfectly right away, it’s too distressing.

But then I thought: “Ok, well, I’m a perfectionist in all these academic/learning pursuits, but that’s it right? I’m a nice person, and amongst my peers relatively well-adjusted!”

And then I got to the chapter on relationships. See, the author argues that behind the need for perfectionism is the belief that by being perfect, one can be in control and guarantee success and love. It’s all about control. If I’m cool enough and amazing enough, my friends won’t leave me. My love interests won’t leave me. . . it shot me right back into college when my boyfriend cheated on me. I remember being upset, sure, but primary amongst all my thoughts was that I was so much better than the other woman, how could he cheat on me with HER? Coupled with the notion that I had done everything to be the ideal girlfriend, but I must have failed. If I had been the perfect girlfriend, this would somehow assure me love. I look back and go “man, sometimes sh** happens, and there’s nothing you can do about it.” Oh, the whole mess hurt for lots of reasons. But looking back on it, it called into question the very core of my belief in perfectionism. And on some level that was good for me.

Oh man, where was I?

There’s just been a lot of moments of realization. Lots of bells going off, and clouds parting with rays o’ sunshine coming down. So much of my own strife stems from feeling that if I’m not my ideal, then I’m a failure. As a straight-A student, I’ve never been too comfortable with B’s. And up until grad school, I’ve been able to get by with my level of perfectionism. But here in grad school, everyone is brilliant and all my perfectionism does is keep me from completing deadlines, from getting my work done. And I know I need to stop avoiding things I can’t do perfectly right away, because at this point that’s where the learning is.

Ok, this entry was more for me than for anyone else to read . . . but I did see a lot of myself AND other people I know in that book. I think a lot of folks have brilliant, active minds and parents that assure them that if they get enough A’s they’re guaranteed a good life. And I think we’re all overthinking things just a bit.