This Is Nothing

Insane Graduate School Edition

7/08/2008

Yet more excessive navel-gazing


We all have pictures ourselves, in our heads. I have come to realize that the picture I had of myself was a sort of photo-negative of how I might actually be.

I’ve thought of myself as accommodating, shy but friendly, poorly understood. Not especially fashionable. Not especially coordinated. I’m an English major pretending to be a science nerd. I’m not a good student: I almost always procrastinate until the last minute. I’m sloppy. I can’t keep the kitchen clean, and can’t keep my clothes off the floor. I indulge myself a lot, in magazines and craft projects and snacks—trying to stay afloat. I don’t make dinner at home often enough. I don’t keep my lab bench in order, and my desk is a weigh station of papers and post-it notes.

Oh, there were hints that I was wrong about myself, but ignored them. My favorite clue, looking back, was this: my government AP teacher once told someone that she liked me because I was “such a perfectionist.”

What, is she CRAZY? I thought to myself. I must have her really fooled. I’m so sloppy. I procrastinate. What she sees on her desk is really not my best work.

Being in grad school has taught me a lot about myself because:
1. I’ve met a whole class of students who are frighteningly like me.
2. After awhile, when you no longer change courses or have your summers off, you are forced to see the common denominator that is yourself.

My largest problem is this: I have a driving need to be in control, which is road-blocked by a desire to have everything perfect, the first time. Not perfect the first time means FAILURE. It means I’m no good at it. God forbid I can’t do something right the first time, because there have been too many assignments, projects, roles where I DID get it right the first time, or with minimal effort.

I often set the standards for myself absolutely unrealistically high. And lately I’ve found myself asking: “what is all of this for?” In science, the things that move you forward are good research, networking, and a bit of luck. All of this other crap is just me fighting the perfectionist that screams when things aren’t completed, beautiful, and with a big bright “A” at the top of the page. I don’t know where I’m going with this, but I needed, once again, to get it out on paper. Ugh!

So here are two paragraphs of random things:

Today on the bus I saw a girl wearing an enviable outfit. At least, I envied it. It was so damn simple: a white, thin t-shirt with a white, thin camisole underneath. Soft wide-leg linen pants that were magically unwrinkled, and avoided looking like pajama pants. The faded stripes in those pants were brought out by a medium-sized hobo bag that was also subtly striped. Cute beaded sandals . . . and her single accessory was a silver toe ring. Near the end of the ride, she pulled her hair up in a loose ponytail. It was all so darn comfortable and effortless and yet put-together. Today I wished I could dress more like *that*.

---

Though completing grad school is still a ways off, I’m contemplating getting a tattoo to commemorate the end of this struggle. It is a strange woods that grad school has led me through, and it has changed and marked me. I’ll also admit I’ve always wanted to have the experience of getting one.

But what would it be? Currently I’ve been meditating on the story my mom likes to tell me from time to time about “drawing the tiger.” When I was very young, mom took me to her preschool class to “help out” (aka, keep an eye on me while teaching). One day, mom drew a tiger for the class to see. I tried to draw the tiger but ending up bursting into tears: I couldn’t make my tiger look like mom’s. “Amber” she said, “I’ve been through college and have a Master’s degree. Maybe when you’ve had all that schooling, you’ll be able to draw a tiger like me, but you are just starting out!”

Looking back on it now, I’m still trying to draw that freaking tiger. I see how amazingly brilliant other people are here, and I cry and stress because I can’t just do what they do. It isn’t coming easily.

Also, even though I’m sure Mom’s tiger was good, I bet my brother could draw a better one. . . and there is undoubtedly someone who can draw a tiger even better than that. But that doesn’t mean these other tigers are unacceptable. There will always be someone better, but that doesn’t make you a failure.

So for now I’m thinking of that darn tiger. It’s tough because most tattoos of tigers seem either cliché, too scary, or too much like a zoo poster. I’ll keep looking, or eventually enlist someone with more rendering skill than I.

Ok! That’s all for now . . . thank you for listening to the rambling!

2 Comments:

Blogger nick poston said...

I think i might be the same way in many respects. At least in the aspect of our mental picture of our selves matching our actual selves. Growing up i always though of my self as a science nerd. I was going to be a great scientist or at least write sci-fi books. The fact i cant spell or remember what things are called half the time not with standing. Finding art was somewhat a blessing to me, but came with it's own set of problems. The perfectionist thing. I recently came to realize that's was the major reason for not getting as much done as i should i'll do the same image or sequence over and over becoming more and more frustrated with it and in the end deciding not to send it out cause "it's not ready yet". Ive decide to try to be less perfect and focus more on completion. I'll let you know how it works out but so far i feel happier.
On casual cool dress: I think you could totally pull that off and look ten time better most of that outfits charm was in the confidence in which it was carried not the pieces them selves.
On Tigers: If your trying to draw that tiger still... this will sound weird and i need to take more of my own advice here but.. you can't draw the tiger unless you are a tiger believe you are and your "hands" will create image.

um on me i know i dissapeared for a bit sorry i kinda got down and went all coocony. If you want to totally kick my butt i probably deserve it. by the way i totally adore your rants... flees before getting butt kick oo look shine pictures ...

7/08/2008 7:54 PM  
Blogger Spazmo said...

I won't kick your butt--I'm just happy to have you back! I was a little worried :(

My mom--who has gained infinite wisdom from teaching the very young--said she often gets a kid that won't even start to draw a picture because they don't want to make a mistake. I bet to some people that sounds silly, but I think you and I and Alice and many others can understand exactly what that feeling is like. But you've jumped that hurdle!

7/09/2008 11:15 AM  

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