Song for this entry: Ben Fold Five, "Evaporated"

Yes, here I stand, sad and free. I guess, well, I guess that some things can't be rebuilt. Some things we can reach towards forever and never find. And sometimes, sometimes we feel like we've got the best chance at happiness of anyone, and sometimes we are wrong. There are alot of songs running through my head, like Evita singing "Where do we go from here? This is not where we intended to be." There is also an entire marching band of Ben Folds Five songs stuck in my head. Fuck, I watch too much Ally McBeal I guess, what with all the musical hallucinations that are running wild.

Anyway, Dave and I tried. ..I guess. .. but it just didn't work out. I wasn't ready to love anyone anytime soon, and he wasn't ready either I'm guessing. We just felt miserable with eachother, sometimes. Sometimes we forgot and it was. . . well, it was heaven. But mortals, we're not meant for eternal paradise in our lifetimes. It just isn't going to work. And in the end, I let him go. I was strong and I did it, because that is how it has to be. It has to be. I'm holding on to this certainty, tight enough for white knuckles if my mind had any. I'm thankful for my good friend Nick, who is being nice and supportive. I'm going to stay away from letting my urges get the better of me--I don't feel like running out and making my life more complicated. But I'll probably do it any way. A girl's got needs you know.

SO, here I am. . . feeling like a helium balloon some kid let go of. Flying up up and away from everything. I just used another metaphor in chat: Like going down a steep hill in a rollercoaster, and your mind screams that you're going to crash, you're going to fast!!! But you KNOW you won't. You know you'll make it to the bottom and back again, and you'll probably get in line to do it again. And I will. And it took me a long time to get to be ok again, and I guess I'll retrace my footsteps. I'll get there. It will happen.