Late-night conversations are always the best

Or at least, I think they might tie with talking while walking. I don't know how it works, but conversations come easier when you are moving, or when you're trying to put off going to bed and having it be Sunday again.

I've got seminar on Wednesday, and need to give my practice talk tomorrow for lab meeting. I'm the first person from our lab to give a talk at the student seminar series, so no pressure or anything. It's going to be fine, I know. I'm a good speaker, when I practice. I'm writing a note to my future self to not even bother with powerpoint until I've got a fully practiced speech. Because otherwise I putz around with powerpoint for a week and don't start really *talking* it out until Saturday. But enough about seminars.

The stress is starting to settle in. I knew it was coming, and I know what it's doing. But somehow I wasn't really prepared for it either. I get this nagging feeling that I'm putting life on hold for 3 more years, instead of getting a "real job" and starting a "real life."

This is all stress-induced bullsh**t. I have a real life, and a great life. I live paycheck to paycheck, but I have a all the things I need. I've got amazing friends, with whom I sometimes share an uberbrain closeness. I've got a guy who's all the things I never thought I'd actually find in one person. I live in Madison--hotbed of liberal satan worshiping apparently--where it's beautiful and safe and random. And I can do all this. I can give a freaking seminar. I can study and become a better scientist. I can get the PhD. It's just hard accepting the stress for what it is and letting it pass through me. Blargh.

So, in honor of all this rambling and "stepping away from the ledge" talk, let's revisit some classic sci-fi, and a speech that lots of us memorize and think ourselves cooler for doing so. I'll admit that's not really all that cool, but this passage does have some value:

The Bene Gesserit Litany against Fear.
Pg 19 of Dune

I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.