Sunday, September 18, 2005

If I've learned one thing in life, it's this:

Mom is always right. Absolutely always. Dad is darn smart, but Mom always knows best.

Egads, I spent so many years thinking she was stupid and fluffy and emotional. But whenever things got hard and complicated, she knew the right thing to do, and the right advice to give. Do I get to have this talent some day? God I hope so. For now, I've got mom's voice inside my head every day.

Life wasn't meant to be fair, Amber.

Who can you control in this situation, Amber? Only yourself.

You need to confront the situation--I never let things go until I do--and then, once you have, you move on.

You have ALWAYS cared too much, Amber.


Lately, things haven't been as hunky dory as usual. In the grand scheme of things, has it been that bad? Nahh. It's bad in my tiny little snowglobe world. I have many many things to be happy about. It's just lately I've felt like people are upset with me for reasons that I can't agree with. Sometimes I feel like, by being nice initially, I end up screwing myself over in the long run because people expect that kindness to last forever, regardless of how they use it.

I grew up thinking--and likely learning--that if you are kind and honest to people, you will be a good person and will reap happiness. In miniature, I used to think that all you needed to do to be a girlfriend and happy in love was to be easygoing and understanding, and crap that didn't really garauntee anything. I got a bit shat upon, and made it through "once bitten, twice shy" style.

Truth is, to be that good person who always does right. . .you'd be a martyr. And if you avoid matyrdom, well, people get upset. And god have I tried to avoid upsetting anyone, and that's impossible. Am I right to act the way I do? I don't think there's a good answer. There's no right answer. That's life, apparently. It makes me sad sometimes. After all those years being shut out of social circles because I was weird and used big words, I thought that I would never find myself on the other side. I never thought I'd be the monster, or the enemy I always I despised. I never thought I'd be a snob, or a prep, or whatever the hell I used to call them. And I've been troubled recently by that thought.

Number one, were they really that bad?

Number two, am I being like them, or am I getting pushed into that category by others?

I begin to wonder how much pushing I did when I was younger. How often I wasn't happy with myself, and blamed it on preppies and their endless clothes and boys and coolness.

Coming here, for the first time in my life I have felt truly cool and looked up to. And it's been great, giddying, and scary and lonely all at the same time. There will always be people who aren't ready to be comfortable in their skins, there will always be more people in my life than I have time to be close friends with--I'm really crappy at maintaining huge hordes of friends, and kindof can't relax for long in those situations anyway.

So, I've got to do what mom says. And that's to take care of me, and be kind and carry on like it doesn't bug me when people label me or talk behind my back. I can't control that--well, at least until I hone my mind control powers. I'm sorry for whatever stupid, negligent bumblings I cause result in hurt. But I can't be responsible for everyone else. It's too damn tiring.

After all this rambling. . . all I want to say is that I love my mom, and talking to her brings me so much damn strength. I hope that everyone has someone like that in their lives.

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