Sunday, September 19, 2004

The Things They Don't Tell You

Lately, I've found myself complaining more and more along the theme of "I have too many social events to attend, too many people who want to spend time with me."

And I find myself thinking, what sort of ridiculous person am I? I've spent whole years of my life without close friends, not trusting my family or having anything better to do than walk to the video store or clean my room. I've gone on and on, trying to be likeable and make everyone happy, because wasn't that the way to BE happy?

Lately, it's clear it isn't.

You know, your parents tell you all sorts of things about growing up, like how you can do anything you set your mind to, that you'll have to make your own decisions and be responsible for yourself. All sorts of general growing up things that we've heard for years. But there is one thing that--now--I can clearly see they left out: growing up involves losing great people from your life. You will invest yourself in people and places, and inevitably have to let them go because you're not done growing yet. This isn't something bad or good. . .it's just life, but nobody ever explained it to me. Maybe nobody can. One of those damn life-lessons you can only learn through awkward steps and crashes.

This weekend really hasn't been all that good. I mean, there have been good parts, actually really good parts. But it's that spinning, where-am-I-going-really sort of feeling that I'm left with.

I'm not happy right now. And I've got to learn from what I've seen in other people, that really no person or location can fix that. It's so stupid and cliche, which makes it all the worse that it's actually true.

I wish there was something constructive about this entry. It makes me feel better to have typed it, but I know that its going to sound trite and self-important--that is sometimes exactly who I am. This is the bad side of Leo. You'll read paragraphs upon paragraphs about how grand, stylish, loyal, and likeable leos are. But rarely to you read about the other side of the coin: all the people you step on--especially the ones you care about, all the times you're so busy looking inside yourself that you miss what's going on around you. The jealousy, the envy. . . Worst of all, the way you assure yourself that if you just groomed a little better, just opened yourself up a little more, that you would be happy.

But things will get better. Life is never one thing for long, so I bet by next week I'll be skipping around gleeful about something. Just right now, things aren't so good. A hug would be nice.

Soundtrack to Right Now:Hurt, Trent Reznor (covered by Johnny Cash).

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