Friday, March 14, 2003

Cheers to . . .

Cheers to the teenager left in my brain that wakes up around this time--always this time of night--to tell me what it wants. I mean, I know how parents feel now. They've done everything they could to make this brat happy. A wonderful life, great opportunities, nothing to worry about but some homework here and there. Impress a couple people, keep climbing up the ladder. But there she is, whining about how she's missing out on something, or how she'd rather be . . .

FOR FUCK'S SAKE BRAIN, SHUT UP!!!!

Really, I'm tired of it. Yeah, it's a very ambiguous rant. I'm really tired of all the muttering and whining that stays in my brain to bug me in the late hours. I'm tired of the recurrent dreams. I want a real break. I don't want to mess things up. Because really, I'm happy. Tired, stressed, but happy. But sometimes I worry I'm just assuring myself I'm happy because I'm afraid to really be sad. I don't know. And I don't want this to seem like some cry for help. I think I'm really stressed, because I haven't done much work at all this week, and I should have. I have so much work to do between now and the 3-week. I can't decide whether to really relax on the break and work my ass off during the rest of the 12-week, or just never stop working and just be moderately busy.

I want things to be easy and simple. I want to wake up in the morning without anything looming over me, and more importantly, go to sleep without feeling like I've done something wrong, or that my life is wrong somehow.

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