Feeling sickish and wishy

I think my sinuses are unhappy with me. I have one of those headaches, you know? Where your head hurts and feels so heavy that you swear someone brought in trucks during the night and poured cement up your nose. When my brother gets sick, he acts really nice. That's usually how you can tell when he's sick. Me on the other hand, when I feel ill I get weepy. I don't wanna be sick. Not on my last week before the always long and this time definitely not restful christmas break. Another christmas, another new year's without someone to smooch when the ball drops. Hopefully the last one though :) for a long, long time.

It's weird. 2002 is almost over. Many times I have vowed this year to celebrate the demise of 2002. I still have plans of drinking several toasts to its end. But New Year's is a funny time. You tend to feel like you can look back and see yourself a year ago. It always fascinates me, to look back with some sort of sad affection for what I was a year ago. What were my expectations? What was I thinking then? This time round' it's a little creepy. Just a little. I mean, this time last year I had no inkling of what the spring would be like. I don't know. I just wish I could give her a hug. I like to pretend things are always ok; that I'm so badass that none of that stuff can touch me anymore. And for the most part, that's true. I love the one I love and I get love back, and that's a far finer thing than can ever be described. I just know now that you have to live with a little fear in your gut every once in a while, sometimes. It's going to be a hell of spring this time around too, but for different reasons as far as I can tell.

Everbody's got wishes. I wish I could be stronger; I wish I could kick ass and be taken seriously. I wish I had some clear simple thing to fight for and feel that I was helping the world. I wish I could be a space pioneer. I wish I could wake up and know exactly what I wanted to do; to see things with true clarity. To know when people were lying, to know what people needed to feel better. I wish I could be a strawberry blonde again, and finally feel like I honestly express myself through my clothing. I STILL wish I had a big house where we all could live. As stupid as it sounds, sometimes I wish I could give everyone I care about a hug that would help. Sometimes I wish I could be honest and not hurt people's feelings. I wish I could do the merengue and all the other ballroom latin dances. I wish I could drive a boat--I wish I had a car. I wish I could speak more languages and do so fluently. I wish I had a gigantic saltwater aquarium, a parrot, a crow--I wish I was trained to handle hawks and kestrels, I wish I could ride a horse. I wish I could change shape--and flying wouldn't hurt. I wish I had a beautiful house with a swimming pool, a hot tub, a grotto, a garden, a library, a fireplace, surround sound, and overlooked the ocean. . . . Oh well :)